| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:21:54 AM | Thank you all for your advice. I will try to let her know somehow.
Lucky: he has rights, because he was never found guilty. The 2nd time we went to court for domestic violence, the judge said she believed me, but I had no proof, ie, hospital records, picture... The film that had the picture of the bruises was exposed, so there went the proof. The 3rd time, I had done everything that I was told. Had the hospital report and the police report.....everything I thought I needed and still lost. Which is why I think the judicial system sucks! His lawyer said I was making it up because of the custody battle that we are in. And, yeah, what's really bad, is my kids saw him hurt me. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:22:03 AM | Hi DartGirl...
You are an awesome, caring, woman to be concerned! :)
But...you said the keywords and answered your own question when you said that you were once warned and did not listen.
She will not listen either...it is not about HOW you "warn" her....it is the reaction you will get. And in all honesty, you may simply make her want him MORE...sick, hunh?
If you know of a mutual friend who knows both this new girl and of your history with this guy...ask him/her to give a friendly heads up to her. And then stop worrying.
What an awesome person YOU are!
Hugs! | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:33:25 AM | | think of your kids first. question and examine reglarly and often. if there is damage being done to them the other woman will also know of it. court records are public but if you didn't win, there will be no mark against him there. if you did, make copies available for her. she can look if she wants to or not as she chooses. she will no doubt think you are being mean and spiteful unless some of the signs are already there. good luck to you and your kids. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:50:43 AM | Hi Dartgirl,
I was in a very similar situation. I told her, once she asked, that the man she was with had a penchant for hitting women. She was already with him for a few years and there was no question that she had already seen his abusiveness. However, she already had a child with him and she had also already demonstrated a knack for picking up and sticking with abusive losers, as her ex-husband was abusive toward her as well.
However, I did tell her something she didn't know. I told her how he drives by my place and how he has left love longs and messages on my phone.
She didn't believe me, with me being the ex.
The man has cheated on her and at one point pursued me as if he was a single guy.
Her loss. The more occupied she keeps him, the less I need to worry about him showing up at my door in the future.
In short, say what you wish, but I doubt your words will carry much weight. You are the ex. Nothing you say holds water for long.
Let her learn on her own. It's unfortunate, but you've already had enough dealings with this man in the context of relationships. Leave it alone and let someone else learn their life lessons the way you had to and concentrate on your life. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:56:30 AM | babylonia: I agree that I have to leave it alone. She would not believe me, just like I did not believe the others. I even lost one of my beft friends because I chose to believe him instead of her. I just don't want her to go thru that too. And, to make matters worse, she has children, from a previous relationship, and I don't want them to see him do that to her.
Sucks to have a bleeding heart  | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 9:01:03 AM | SurferX: That's what I'm afraid of. I know that she would confront him, who wouldn't? And, being the manipulator he is, he would make it out to be all my fault. And, yeah, that would trigger a confrontation.
For now the nice thing is, my ex's dad has to meet me to pick up the boys, until we go back to court. The only reason he showed up was because he didn't want me to wait any longer while he drove the kids to his dad, and his dad bring them to me. I get really nervous when I have to see him or talk to him. Get the whole butterflies in my stomach, and not in the good way! | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 9:10:37 AM | | whoa, took my sweet time...I agreed with lucky on page 1^^^^ that's what I want to know too. Anyways, and I agree with Chuck. You have no ties to this woman you met for the first time, do you think she's going to listen to you? Would she be his gf if she didn't think he was a 'great guy' in her own eyes? I can hear the reply now, something along the lines of butt out, or mind your own business. Yes it would be nice if you could warn her, then she can call you jealous, he will freak out on your for trying to break them apart (of course she'll tell him what you said), then stones can be thrown... but it's not your obligation. It's never too late for her to leave his ass. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 10:46:12 AM | ^^YUP!
The funniest thing I was told by my exes s/o was that she 'knew' I was calling and leaving love songs on his cell phone for the past five years. I bursted out laughing because a) I didn't know his cell number, nor where they lived (and didn't care); and b) He was the one doing that to me but for the longest time I had no idea who the hell was sniping my voicemail!
They turn things around magically, and are quite convincing.
Let them live. Most people would rather believe in their sight through rose-coloured glasses above fact and truth.
That isn't your problem - your problem is now her's. Send her a thank you card.  | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 10:51:17 AM | | ^^^ Yeah, it is really easy to get the girl to be on her guy's side, no matter how much of an ass he was with his exes. Would the girls be with him in the first place if it wasn't easy to beleive every lie dripping out of his mouth? *sigh* Some people can sink so low. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 10:54:58 AM | Doing the right thing isnt the easiest but its the one that helps you sleep at night. This is not an easy situation to handle no matter what route you choose. You need to forget what everyone has said and do what YOU feel will let you look yourself in the mirror. What YOU feel is the right thing to do for ALL people involved...not just this new girlfriend. YOU are accountable for the decisions you make and YOU will have to answer for them one day. It is easier to walk away and say let the chips fall where they may....but is that the RIGHT decision for YOU as a person to make.
Again, my heart goes out to you...I would not want to be in your shoes. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 10:57:11 AM | ^^Very true, but she also must think about what is best for her children. Certainly not a contentious and adversarial relationship, aggrevated by her revelations to his new squeeze.
I think it's a bad idea to talk to the new girlfriend. I've been there and it isn't worth the stress - and doubly not worth the stress it could cause on their kids. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 11:01:22 AM |
Very true, but she also must think about what is best for her children. Certainly not a contentious and adversarial relationship, aggrevated by her revelations to his new squeeze.
Exactly, that's why I said she has to take into perspective ALL the lives she is effecting in making one decision of whether to speak out or not speak out. She has to do what SHE feels is the best thing for everyone....not the easiest for everyone. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl friend?
Posted: 8/7/2005 11:19:16 AM | | I was married to an abusive person (1970). When he left me, I was 8 months pregnant. I warned his new girlfriend and she ignored me and then was abused also. I warned his next 3 wives, but they all chose to ignore me and they were all abused by him also. So, I say don't waste your breath or energy stressing over it.. My ex is dead now, (serossis(sp) of the liver) so I don't have to worry about his abuse anymore. What goes around, comes around. He will pay someday for abusing you and anyone else....but people...when someone starts abusing you, get the Hell out of the relationship as soon as possible cause it won't stop without counseling on their part... | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 2:39:43 PM | Should I warn her of this, or just leave it alone?
Just one thing to keep in mind ...
You can't ultimately prevent him from finding someone else.
You can't protect everybody.
If you do, expect some retaliation from him or some other Fallout.
Ask yourself what possible consequences you could inherit as a result of ringing the 'Alarm Bells"? | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/8/2005 7:16:54 AM | I was abused by an ex-wife. She was out of control and would run home to Mommy at the drop of a hat. She had the entire town believing that I was a monster. After 10 months of the crap, I quietly took a day off from work and went to a lawyer out of town. I filed papers and put up with a lot of heat. She ran home to Mommy, taking our little boy with her. I trudged through the divorce proceedings, doing exactly what my lawyer instructed.
I watched her with with new boyfriends. After each relationship, word would get out about her abusiveness. Eventually people saw it for what it really was. My business was keeping in contact with my son. It was so difficult that I had to take police to their house to get my boy for a weekend. I was in court countless times, for most of his life!
Now he is 21 and traveling the country, while taking a semester off from college. He and I are the best of friends. As was previously mentioned. Don't concern yourself with strangers that pass through your ex's life. Your children are all you need to focus on.....
(I learned the art of patience) Time wounds all heels. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 3:48:53 PM | @ dartgirl...
All you need to be concerned about are your kids. Your responsiblity is to keep them out of your issues with your ex and his present girlfriend.
It's time for you to really let go of your ex and stop feeling that it's your duty to save this woman from him. Anyway, what if he dumps her and finds another and then another...are you going to be out there trying to save them, as well?
If I were in your situation, I would make sure that the children stick to a schedule of visits with their father and put my interests, concerns and care into their well-being and happiness.
Keep the door of good communications open with your ex and his new girlfriend, and mostly with your children, for your children's sake.
Your ex is not your problem anymore.
It sounds like after you finally met the new girlfriend, it brought up some old feelings in you about your former marriage and you want to tell her so she'll leave and then you'll have punished him. My sense is that it's more about your own hurt than it is about caring for the well-being of your replacement.
You have had enough trouble in your marriage, why go looking for more trouble in your divorce?
Look after your kids and get on with your life!
Good luck!
I know all this is not easy.
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 4:18:00 PM | ugh.. morally and ethically, yes, you should tell her.
the only catch I could see is that she may react like you did: and not believe it. You did stick with him, didn't you?
In fact, people's minds are so messed up sometimes that if they are told to watch out for a certain behavior, they end up dismissing it when it happens. (I don't know why.. our "protect the ones we love" behaviors are stupid sometimes..)
I don't know how to get it through to her in a way that she will be open enough to know "okay, I'll be on the lookout.. first time he hits me or verbally abuses me, I'm gone, because the pattern is still there."
But, yes, morally and ethically it's the same as "I know someone that is in danger: should I tell them?" Of course. The "how" is the tricky part. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 4:41:05 PM | | ya know, when i first got with my abusive ex....i just thought anythin he had to say had ta be tha gospel truth...i just closed my ears to those nasty lil rumors about him an his first wife...after all, SHE was so hard fer anyone to get along with...tha poor misunderstood man was just trying to make her happy all tha time an nuthin worked....she couldnt be pleased with a mansion on a hilltop...he did everthing for her and she just NEVER appreciated him...blah, blah, blah........but you can bet yer sweet potato pie that it wasnt a year later and i was recognizin signs an patterns i had seen my whole life ......thru my father and his father before him....and at that time i may have been more receptive to tha warnings......except by then, he had me pretty well convinced that most of our problems were my fault.......when i finally did leave........well, i was hospitalized ....due to domestic violence inflicted injuries.......and he was in jail....can ya guess who got out first? and he was even given back his guns while i had to wait two more years to get my clothes and pictures of my kids....i lost alot...but in tha long run, i found myself......this gal might not be receptive right now......but if he follows his pattern....one day she will be..........and you might be tha one God uses to save her life........it is a tough call........but if i was you, i would have a serious talk with that gal that looks back at you every mornin in tha mirror........shes tha one ya gotta live with .........an no one can judge ya more than she will..........so just look right at that gal in tha mirror an ask her out loud, "am i my sisters keeper?" cuz ya know, no man is an island, alone unto himself........what effect will it have on yer life, yer childrens lives, and yer concience if you do nuthin.......if you can walk away, and never wonder...then do so....but if a small still voice inside you asks...."will she listen now" an wonders when no one else is around.......well, darlin, yer tha only one who will be kept awake by tha lil voice... | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 4:58:53 PM | You don't know this women, nor do you know her past or what her relationship is like with your ex.
It's not worth it...stay out of their relationship.
It's not your battle anymore.
Keep your nose out of their business...the girlfriend isn't asking you! | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 6:26:45 PM | Hmmmmm, this is a job for FISHBILL...but I dont know if I have a clue....you know there's gotta be someone out here who is REALLY CLEVER, a Bill Clinton or Henry Swcharzanegger type.
Perhaps you could mention something to the ex along the lines of "if I find out you are abusing her, I will testify" or "I hope your anger management classes are going well or you are going to loose her too". but then he knows you know she knows, you know? I know...
HOW ABOUT SPYING ON THEM anyone up for a road trip, that sounds like fun. Its not really stalking if you are trying to help someone.
Or this, the next time she is with him, give her a "big hug" and look into her eyes and say "how are you doing with him" "is he treating you well" that way you dont have to mention anything obvious, and he wont catch on, and if she is in trouble she can whisper "HELP ME, HELP ME" IN YOUR EAR. | |
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