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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 4:41:05 PM | ya know, when i first got with my abusive ex....i just thought anythin he had to say had ta be tha gospel truth...i just closed my ears to those nasty lil rumors about him an his first wife...after all, SHE was so hard fer anyone to get along with...tha poor misunderstood man was just trying to make her happy all tha time an nuthin worked....she couldnt be pleased with a mansion on a hilltop...he did everthing for her and she just NEVER appreciated him...blah, blah, blah........but you can bet yer sweet potato pie that it wasnt a year later and i was recognizin signs an patterns i had seen my whole life ......thru my father and his father before him....and at that time i may have been more receptive to tha warnings......except by then, he had me pretty well convinced that most of our problems were my fault.......when i finally did leave........well, i was hospitalized ....due to domestic violence inflicted injuries.......and he was in jail....can ya guess who got out first? and he was even given back his guns while i had to wait two more years to get my clothes and pictures of my kids....i lost alot...but in tha long run, i found myself......this gal might not be receptive right now......but if he follows his pattern....one day she will be..........and you might be tha one God uses to save her life........it is a tough call........but if i was you, i would have a serious talk with that gal that looks back at you every mornin in tha mirror........shes tha one ya gotta live with .........an no one can judge ya more than she will..........so just look right at that gal in tha mirror an ask her out loud, "am i my sisters keeper?" cuz ya know, no man is an island, alone unto himself........what effect will it have on yer life, yer childrens lives, and yer concience if you do nuthin.......if you can walk away, and never wonder...then do so....but if a small still voice inside you asks...."will she listen now" an wonders when no one else is around.......well, darlin, yer tha only one who will be kept awake by tha lil voice... | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 4:58:53 PM | You don't know this women, nor do you know her past or what her relationship is like with your ex.
It's not worth it...stay out of their relationship.
It's not your battle anymore.
Keep your nose out of their business...the girlfriend isn't asking you! | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 6:26:45 PM | Hmmmmm, this is a job for FISHBILL...but I dont know if I have a clue....you know there's gotta be someone out here who is REALLY CLEVER, a Bill Clinton or Henry Swcharzanegger type.
Perhaps you could mention something to the ex along the lines of "if I find out you are abusing her, I will testify" or "I hope your anger management classes are going well or you are going to loose her too". but then he knows you know she knows, you know? I know...
HOW ABOUT SPYING ON THEM anyone up for a road trip, that sounds like fun. Its not really stalking if you are trying to help someone.
Or this, the next time she is with him, give her a "big hug" and look into her eyes and say "how are you doing with him" "is he treating you well" that way you dont have to mention anything obvious, and he wont catch on, and if she is in trouble she can whisper "HELP ME, HELP ME" IN YOUR EAR. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/11/2005 10:33:09 PM | Hi Miss Dartgirl,
While it is NOT your obligation for you to tell her about him, she does have a right to know, especially if kids are involved. However; I have found it is not what you tell the person but rather it is how you tell the person. If and when you do tell, even if they do not believe you, you made the effort to let them know of any issues the person has, now what they do with that information is up to them. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/12/2005 12:22:50 AM | Everyone makes good points both for and against warning this woman, but you are between a rock and a hard place.
You know what he is, and you know what she is likely in for, but the reality is that she will probably react the exact same way you did when it was you being warned.
Does that make you any less obligated to make the effort? Who knows?
I have in the past, tried to warn a friend of a man who I knew for a fact was abusive. She is still with him and is no longer my friend. She has also admitted that he does hit her.
Would I warn her again? Yes, at least then I know I tried. Part of his pattern was to alienate her from her friends, I would have lost her friendship eventualy even if I had not tried to warn her.
You were in her position yourself once.. how did he react towards the ex that tried to warn you? Did he seek some form of revenge on the woman? Is he in a position to take revenge on you if you say anything? The odds of this woman believing you are anything other than a jealous ex telling lies is very low to begin with. If warning her could put you or your kids at risk then I would say, do not say anything at all. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/13/2005 7:22:25 AM | no one here wants to see tha op risk her or her childrens saftey.....on tha other hand, tha fact that tha op has a conciense an is concerned about this womans saftey is also plain ta see..........its too bad that this is not somethin as simple as pushin someone outta tha way of a oncomin bus.......but buses dont retaliate an abusers often do.........
...............we can only offer theories, an advice or opinions here....none of us are walkin in her shoes or dealin with this particular situation in our lives right now.....we may be in similiar ones but this is her story, not ours, so tha bottom line is tha balls in her court now.....my heart goes out to you, dart, cuz you got a hard row to hoe...... an sometimes tha most powerful thing ya got goin fer ya is knowin there are ppl who care on tha other side of tha situation.......be good to yerself and utilize yer support system girlfriend......theres nuthin wrong with leanin when ya need to............. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 6:39:52 AM | to all of you for your input. I will just do as his first ex wife did to me, somehow let her know that if she needs to talk, she can call me, because I know how he is. It won't be easy to do, because it's court ordered that his dad meet me to exchange the boys. I think its better that way.
It sounds like after you finally met the new girlfriend, it brought up some old feelings in you about your former marriage and you want to tell her so she'll leave and then you'll have punished him. My sense is that it's more about your own hurt than it is about caring for the well-being of your replacement Gingertea, I understand why you made that comment, but it is so far from the truth. This isn't his first g/f  I don't care about who is seeing, I just don't want them to go thru what I went thru. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Thanks to all of you! | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 6:56:28 AM | | trvlingman: I know that it's not. But, I would feel bad if something happened. Plus, if I did say something beforehand, it would just make me look like I'm jealous, and that I am not. She can have him and hopefully he has learned not to do things like that anymore. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 8:26:05 AM | "You could always mail the police transcripts!"
but then again some abuse goes unreported...how well do you know her??
she may think you as being an x might be up to no good.
some women can just crawl out the window if they have to from those types! I had too after my "now cremated" hubby put a lock on the inside of the front door..
You should give some thought as to : can she handle hearing it or is she in denial? | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 8:37:42 AM | Can you not contact the agencies in your/her area and have them contact her.
Have them say that he has had charges against him for abuse?....I don't know if they would or even if it is legal...but it is a way for her to find out and you not be in the line of fire.
other than that..I am glad I am not in your shoes and I have to agree with most on here abusers both male and female should be locked up....beat up...whatever...just get them out of society.
Good luck with your dilema | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 8:47:19 AM | Dart, you mentioned that this lady in his life has children. This point stuck out for me above all others. Realistically, though I likely would tell you to walk away from this situation and leave well enough alone for your own children's safety, I now find myself looking at her children, and thinking....yes, but should any child be subjected to witnessing such horrific behavior? You know how our children look to us...mother's are GOD to children in the first decade or so of their lives. (Then they hate us, have kids of their own, and settle on realizing we're human... ) The bottom line? Any child witness to abuse internalizes the experience in one form or another, regardless of whether that abuse is physical or emotional in nature.
Clearly, the judge feels, at the very least, that the two of you together create an unhealthy environment for your children...hence his father acting as mediator for the time being. (Which, I have to admit, leads me to suspect he/she did believe you were being abused, however had insufficient evidence by which to convict. This furthermore means that delivering court records to his current g/f is out of the question. Though if you had managed to gain a conviction for the abuse, his court docs would be a matter of public record, because you haven't, he could easily take you to court for defamation/slander for bringing them to her attention. Sigh....I love how according to the letter of the law, the abuser has to more or less attempt to murder the survivor (THESE WOMEN, IF THEY CAN SURVIVE THIS, ARE NOT VICTIMS!!) before the courts are allowed to do anything to help them.)
Normally, given this, I would say just protect yourself, Dart...but she has kids too like I said in the beginning...hmmmm...
I like what Ladydi said about asking yourself what to do, looking in the mirror and asking "Am I my sister's keeper" was I believe how she put it. I think ultimately, you have to meditate on this, write on this...whatever you do to ground, do it now. Once you have grounded yourself, and have decided what course of action feels right in your gut, ask to be open to opportunities that arise for you to put your decision into action. (Whether that decision be to tell the new g/f, put your nose to the grindstone and continue with your own inner work (which it sounds like you have been doing a lot of already... ) or one and then the other.)
Above all else, surround your self in protection, follow your heart and allow your soul to grow from the experience. And, though this may not be the perfect place to say it, Ladydi's advice on this really blew me away. You are a wse woman, Lady...thank you for sharing your words and wisdom. Old souls such as yourself speak volumes in few words; bless you for taking the time to do it.
May the Universe bless and keep you all.
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 8:51:25 AM | dartgirl
I have only met this girl one time, and I have no idea on how to get ahold of her. And, blastkist, I was warned by his first ex wife, when I was pregnant with our oldest son. I was also warned about how he was from others. I didn't believe her, or my friends, like the fool that I was, I defended him, and I turned my back on my friends for him. What is so bad is that when we went to court regarding Domestic Violence, I told the judge that I started it so he wouldn't get into trouble. We have been back 2 other times since, and I've tried to be honest, and tell them the truth this time, but it has backfired. I think the judicial system sucks!!!! I just don't want to see her hurt the way that I was. He is very manipulative.
How could I go about trying to warn her without her thinking that I'm just jealous?
I was in a simular situation.
This is what I did. I went to the county courthose. This is of public record in the pathonatary office. On their computer you can locate all the arrest judgements against him from way back, whether civil or criminal.
Copy them all and put them in an envelope.
When you exchange the kids again, tell you you realize she won't believe you, because you didn't believe it either, so here's proof of his abuse so she can decide what to do.
Walk away knowing in your heart you did the right thing.
As far as being afraid? There are protection from abuse orders you can file against him if he starts anything with you even if you have children together. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/15/2005 9:23:26 AM | In theory, yes....Dart can file a restraining order and a bunch of other legal documents against her husband should he start something. Now, are you ready for the startling reality? To file a restraining order against a party, you must provide sufficient evidence that this party you are filing against presents a significant risk to your person or mental well-beling. What does that equate to in English? If he hasn't actually hospitalized you, and/or been convicted (CONVICTED being a KEY word here, ladies and gents) or committing acts of violence towards you...you aren't getting a restraining order. You could call the police, but again, unless he is weilding a gun/knife/baseball bat and/or has already caused you significant bodily harm...they really can't help you beyond removing him from the premises on the night you call them, and slating the event as a "domestic disturbance." It's not that the courts don't want to help, and it's not that the police don't want to help. Unfortunately, the legal system ties these people's hands, making it extremely difficult to charge an individual with assault and battery, and/or retain the supporting protective documentation (ie: restraining order) unless the defendant has exhibited EXTREME behavior towards you in the past that is otherwise documented. (In English: Basically, if he hasn't tried to kill you...it ain't gonna happen baby.)
Dart, I really feel for you. This is a hard situation to be in...like I said previously, trust your heart, surround yourself in protection, be safe and warm. Allow your spirit self to guide you in this decision...our eternal selves know what needs to be done even when our conscious selves are completely at odds. Trust that part of you...and be blessed.
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