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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/20/2006 11:31:05 AM | | From a mans point of view..Key question-has he verbalized committment, told you he would only see you? Since you called it a relationship one then assumes the parties are seeing each other exclusively. If this guy is still active at the site I think he is playing you and is still looking. Do one of two things: If you are crazy about him and truely believe this is it confront him and get him to delete his profile. If he does keep an eye on him, if you can check his incoming email lol, he may be at other sites. If he doesn't dump him, move on and find guy who is true to to you. That's my opinion. Cheers and good luck to you. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 12:11:33 AM | you can still be in a relationship and be on a dating site, I talk to a couple people here who are friends. But it doesnt mean I am keeping my options open or am looking. Sometimes when I am bored I come on the forums.
When I got together with my girlfriend I changed my profile of course as I am not interested in dating anyone else.
I used to get a ton of messages daily, after changing my profile I have not recieved even one from anyone other than people I have known from before. Its clear in my profile I am not looking and well it "is" a dating site so most people who message you are looking for dates and well I do not message new people.
I wouldnt care if my girlfriend wanted my password to check my mail, If it really bothered her I would delete my profile.
The site is good for other things besides just dating, Its like a free version of classmates, I have talked to old friends that I had in highschool who I have lost touch with.
you cant always assume the worst, not every guy is a player. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 3:51:46 AM | Sigh ... In this online-eye-candy-store-day-and-age, I'm not the least bit surprised that this dialogue continues. True ... There ARE a lot of folks who are strictly on here for the Forums and platonic friends. Then, again, there are those who are secretly looking, even if in a supposedly exclusive relationship, "keeping their options open." It's a matter of being honest versus being dishonest (cheating), having boundaries and trust.
1) He's not being honest with me about his online profiles.
2) Threaten him with ending the relationship, he removes them.
3) Find he's *still* got a few online profiles you didn't know about.
4) Threaten him with ending the relationship, he removes them.
5) He says he has to work late, but comes home smelling of beer and faintly of perfume...
6) Threaten him if he's cheating on you, you'll end the relationship.
7) Eventually he leaves you for another woman, at the very least tired of being manipulated, controlled, and accused...
...8) You rant and rave on POF about how he's a lying SOB and all men are jerks, and absolutely none of it was your fault, because even though you ignored the *multiple* warning signs of dishonesty and had to keep threatening him to get your way, its all his fault for leaving you, especially after all those many months you spent trying to *control and manipulate* him into being what you want!?!?! Msg. 701 ... Some very good points. It was kind of a harsh post, but SADLY true for the most part. I say "harsh" because finding out that someone you care about is cheating on you is usually a traumatic ordeal, involving a lot of grief, which includes a sense of being stunned and some "bargaining." (Ugggh!) Most people do not want to believe it has happened, and usually when cheaters are confronted, they just get sneakier about it in the future, as illustrated in your points.
It's common sense that if you are in an exclusive relationship, change your profile to reflect that you are not "available," hide it or delete it, if you're not here for the Forums or chat buddies.
If you find out that your "significant" other is still "on the hunt" and you hang around, you're most likely guaranteed more heartache. (Some of us have learned that lesson the painful way.)
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 4:21:10 AM | Once two people are seriously dating I feel that to be on this online site would be fine IF other friendships have been established that either person wants to continue which do not include wanting to meet in person or overtly sexual content. However, it is a bit confusing that a guy would even want to meet you and still is continuously online as if he is hoping to find someone else "just in case" things don't work out. I'm thinking that at least in the beginning he would be IMing you every minute if he values the opportunity for a relationship to have a special meaning. I also feel that if one or the other continues the online friendships the conversations should be shared shared with your significant other. I personally prefer for both of us to "hide" our profiles once we are planning to date just each other. However, nothing is written in concrete and heavens knows we all need to pick our battles!  Sharon | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 7:29:25 AM | Msg. 701 ... Some very good points. It was kind of a harsh post, but SADLY true for the most part. I say "harsh" because finding out that someone you care about is cheating on you is usually a traumatic ordeal, involving a lot of grief, which includes a sense of being stunned and some "bargaining."
I actually had originally wrote #7 as "cheating", but then rewrote it as just smelling of beer and faintly of perfume, because yes, cheating is ugly, but I also wanted to kinda leave the option open that he may *not* have been cheating. He may have been out "with the boys" and hey, danced with his friends GF with no romantic interest at all. The hint of perfume doesn't neccesarily make a cheater, *cheating* makes a cheater, however the lying about working late does at the least make him dishonest.
Arugably, yes it was kinda harsh, but the point came across. Having been cheated on, I agree that it hurts like hell, and certainly isn't something I would wish on anyone.
Then again, at one of my old jobs, we *did* work late a lot to meet some insane deadlines, and the boss had a bottle of tequila in his desk drawer.. when we finished a long night sometimes he'd pull it out and we'd do a few shots to 'celebrate' ("thank god *thats* over") at say 2AM. If I came home to a woman that was constantly accusing me of lying and being out at the bar, or worse, cheating, I would guarentee you that relationship wouldn't have lasted long, and I've never been anything but monogamous and faithful in any relationship I've been in. Luckily the one "drama queen" that I dated, that came out very early, and it lasted less than a week I think before she started "manufacturing" accusations, and I just ended it there and then. I have no room for that in my life.
My point was that a healthy relationship is based on honesty and trust. If your partner is being dishonest, and you don't trust them, especially *early* in the relationship, then what kind of relationship do you really have? If your partner is continually untrusting of you in the relationship, even though you have been nothing but honest, what kind of a relationship do you really have?
In general, people who are honest are usually honest in all aspects of their lives, and people who are dishonest about things usually are continually dishonest about things in their lives. People are either trusting, or show a lack of trust. I perhaps have been burned sometimes by trusting when maybe I shouldn't have, but I would far rather err on the side of trust than the side of mistrust, because if I start questioning everything and everyone, I would be poisoning my relationships from the start (personal opinion). | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 7:36:22 AM | | Thank you singleguy! The OP took my remarks as me not supporting her "standing up for herself" when, on the contrary, I was trying to make the point that she deserves someone that doesn't require this much emotional strife. I also made mention of the SLIGHT possibility that she may be assuming this relationship means to him exactly what it means to her and wanted her to take this into consideration. I do realize however, (I am a recovering drama/crisis addict) that some ppl not only put up with, but NEED scandal in order to remain interested. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 8:20:24 AM | First single_guy64 1)I have NEVER called my boyfriend a lying " anything' or made reference to " all men being jerks". Kindly read all the posts before you offer your view of what My relationship is. My guy has removed the profile and has confirmed his intentions by doing so.
2)Where do U see mulitiple warning signs on anything? You state you would never ask a woman you just met on a dating site to remove her profile ? I never asked when my relationship was new. I have been in a relationship with this man for over 4 months and all that time the profile was on. He has proved his commitment by being honest about his intentions with me by removing the profile. I am NOT going to toss a relationship aside just because he had profiles on a dating site prior to dating me and DIDN`T remove them because we had just met. I choice to communicate how I felt about the profiles being active AFTER we in a commited relationship.( 4 MONTHS) Choicing to leave him without talking with him first wouldn`t be very fair to him.
3) I believe this thread is"What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site" Not lets only read half the posts and then jump all over tiggycat !!
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 8:44:35 AM | | La mom..I never said I had to agree with you... All i am saying .. this thread isn`t here to harrass me and MY desicions. You have your opinion and I respect that. The thread is>>>What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site? If all my post had been read... I wouldn`t be singled out for taking a stand in MY personal relationship when the thread says "What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site? Any rude remarks directly squarely at me are taken as nothing other harrassment!! which isn`t what this site is for!! Apology accepted!! | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 9:16:10 AM |
I choice to communicate how I felt about the profiles being active AFTER we in a commited relationship.( 4 MONTHS) Choicing to leave him without talking with him first wouldn`t be very fair to him.
I agree totally with that statement tiggycat, but your original words were not just "communicating how I felt", but to be exact:
threatening to end a relationship when the other person isn`t being honest and up front.
There is a *large* difference between open and honest communication, and "threatening to end it". Telling someone "y'know, I notice your profile is still active, and I think we should both have our profiles hidden now that we are in a committed relationship" is communication. Saying "Remove your profile or the relationship is *over*" is control, giving an ultimatum, and generally not a healthy sign.
Maybe it was just your wording. I'm all for open and honest communication. I just don't feel that demands and ulitimatums are healthy in *any* relationship, as they generally start building resentment over time, on *both* sides. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:06:19 AM | Reiterating what I said in previous posts on this topic, referring to nobody in particular, any successful relationship is based on honesty and trust. If one can't be honest about their feelings and/or trust the other person, in a non-controlling/demanding/ultimatum type manner, then I would think that relationship is headed in a decidedly wrong direction. Most of the people who have posted on here in the "positive light" have said the same thing, its about trust and openness.
As I said about the woman I've met:
am I gonna be asking her to remove her profile? No, she's made a lot of friends on here, and we both enjoy the forums. We actually laugh about some of the email's we've gotten.
We laugh with each other about some of the emails we get (she gets more than I do, the comments she makes about "wtf does a 22y/o want with me??", or getting IM'd by a "1/2 naked guy" have led to some quite humorous conversations about the way people think). We've had long conversations about our past experiences, being cheated on, and have a lot of trust between us that we are both very monogamous people looking for a real long-term relationship. Neither of us feels the other is *hiding* anything from the other person, because to me that would be a "red flag". As I said previously, I believe in err'ing on the side of trust rather than mistrust, because while it may get me burned once in a while, approaching a relationship from the side of mistrust can be toxic in the long run.
What I worry about is when I see people talking about "getting on their (the other persons) computer and checking to see what sites they've gone to", "seeing a dating site in their browser and searching for their profile", "he gave me explanations that I'm not sure I believe". That sounds like trust issues. And on the flip side of things, hearing "He removed his profiles" followed by "A few weeks later, I found other profiles on other sites", or worse "I've found them emailing others, and not just as friends", is a sign of dishonesty and lack of respect for the other's feelings. Either one (or both combined), in my mind, does not lead to a healthy relationship.
Mind you, yes, trust issues can sometimes be resolved & worked on, and sometimes things that can be seen as 'dishonest' can be simple mistakes or forgetfulness (reminding myself here that yes, I do have a profile on another dating site that I actually have not logged into in well over 6 months at this point, something I personally might not have remembered for a while w/o typing this). Things are not always "black and white", and every situation is different.
So to answer the topic, what do I think of someone (guy/girl) in a relationship and still on a dating site? Depends entirely on the level of trust you have with the person, how honest they are about their reasons for being there, and how committed you both are to your relationship. Ongoing mistrust, ongoing dishonesty, and lack of committment to communicate, change, and resolve things will kill any relationship. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:19:42 AM | Small points and probably already been covered.
To us females, 2 months is a long term commitment....think 2 years for a bloke...theyre rather backward creatures, and we women must try to remember this.
Therefore, he's probably not even thought about it, just goes on there through habit of trawling the damn sites every day for the past infinite period.
Secondly, TALK to him. Approach him with a casual attitude, not a full on GIVE me answers attitude and COMMUNICATE! Ask him if there is really any particular reason why he's still got his profile running when you thought things with you both were going so well...explain that maybe he should have considered your point of view?
Make your feelings clear....again men are really very simple creatures..think of them as children and that they need everything spelling out to them very clearly in order for them to understand.
If he still proclaims that he doesnt understand, has no idea what you're talking about or "babe, you know I love you" and still refuses to take your point of view in removing his profile, and your instinct is so insistant that something really is not right then think of yourself, maybe this guy doesnt deserve your love? Never think low of yourself and believe yourself better than him. Take the high road and explain to him that really you think that he is not ready for the type of relationship you have to offer and that you feel there is someone out there who is fully deserving of your attention.
Be positive of yourself, your heart will mend and you will find that 'one'. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:30:40 AM | | Some very good advice, with the exception of treating men as children who need things spelled out. Well, I can only speak of MY EXPERIENCE, but the men I socialize with are quite intelligent, free-thinking individuals that understand basic English. Otherwise, totally agree with being very open with your feelings at all times. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:39:47 AM | | ^^ My point, Driven51, is that if you are at this point in the relationship in the first place, of setting up fake profiles to try and "lure him into a trap", then you *already* lack the basic trust that a relationship *should* have. I personally wouldn't see the point of staying in that relationship in the first place, if I thought I had to setup things to try and "test" the persons honesty and committment to me. | |
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