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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/7/2007 11:09:26 AM | | About a year ago, I had posted a profile here, since I've moved, and when I did, I thought that I had put my profile inactive. Well as life does, it goes on and we don't think to this stuff after a while. I ended up meeting a guy, we dated about 3 months, and to my detriment, through unfortunate circumstances (no he wasn't looking on this site, but had viewed an employees inappropriate usage on company time) he come to see my profile, seeking a ltr. The two weeks prior to this discovery had been a time of soul searching, as he'd been away traveling alot, and wasn't available to me as much as I'd of liked. A few things transpired on his part that left me feeling like it was time to question if I was what he really wanted, or was he truly as tied up with his business as he said. After nearly a year, I visited this profile I made, not to seek others, but to remind myself what it was I was really looking for and force myself to question this to myself, so I read my profile....it was not something I'd ever thought I'd have to explain, but sort of a self affirmation because I felt I my emotions were clouding what it was that I wrote and wanted when I was not influenced by being in love. There I read it, it was old, i changed my pic to show me now, and when I signed out, I felt better, and thought still this profile was still inactive.....apparently not, because he seen it, and he feels I was out seeking another while with him. This wasn't the case, I knew I wanted him, but felt by considering his words and actions, I had to question as if it was me he wanted. When he told me of what he'd seen, I was shocked first that it was viewable, and then I told him when I had made it, which was long before I had met him, and that I was not aware it was being viewed, and without him asking, I went back to it and deleted it. It's been 6 wks now, throughout this whole time, I've apologized over and over, explained this to death, asked for a second chance, explained to him as well how his actions and words left me insecure, but that I'd not walked away due to my fears, but that I knew sometimes things were not what they appeared to be, as he'd shown me prior to this unfortuante event. I feel so badly, judged for something that appeared to be one way, but was very much the opposite. I've not seen anyone, I've continued to tell him that if I really wanted someone else, why would I put so much effort into explaining, and providing proof (as I deleted it, and sent him confirmation as to when the profile was posted) that it would be easier to have started anew with someone else, but I was steadfast in my attempt to show him that it is not what he thinks....whether there is a we or not. I do not know what to do at this point, he's still so angry, and doesn't want to talk to me even. I feel just awful, and I feel now after all this time, what can I do? I ended up coming back to this site, not to really find someone, but maybe to find others who can share their experiences with me and sometimes what we can learn from others is worth its weight in gold. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful to hear them, as I truly care for this person, but can't find the way to reach him. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/7/2007 12:41:08 PM | | Well, as someone who has been on the other side of this I can only tell you that you had a choice to delete your profile and you elected not to. Inactive is still keeping your options open. However, if you're willing to renegotiate, do that. If he cares for you he will be open to the negotiation, otherwise, move on. The incident will always hang over the two of you and you may never be on a level playing field again. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/9/2007 9:08:44 AM | | I met a guy and we dated for a while, well I got suspicious because his name was still on the sites. I made up a bogus name with a great profile real sexy. Guess What He took the bite. I talked to him under my name not telling him who I was, I asked him questions, He acted as he was single and has not had a date for years. I dumped him and I also told him who I was after now he still talks with me and we are friends, but thats it. He keeps trying for a date but I told him you screwed up. If they ask for a picture just find one somewhere, But I dont suggest using this just to gate a date, only to check on the one you think might still be looking. | |
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melx
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Joined: 11/19/2006
Msg: 857 | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 11:19:06 AM | | This very thing ended my last relationship, I have no problem with him being on a dating site (he said for friends only) but when he kept changing is profile to attract other women I said good-bye. If you read my profile you will see that I have no desire to have someone that needs this type of forum to help with self esteem. Not saying all are here for that but we have to keep it in check or we get lost in the fun of it all. | |
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MTM80
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Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 861 | |
| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:40:21 PM | | I dated a girl for about 3 months that i met off another site and we both still kept our profiles. A few weeks in I thought it would be only appropriate to change my status from single to taken so i'm not still advertising myself. I talked with her about it but she never changed her status and when i mentioned something about it she said that she still fills out her tax form as single(yes this is coming from a girl). It bothered me but i still dated her and this girl did say she was committed to me but in reality she never was. That was her problem, she wasn't ready for a committed relationship but was kinda in one with me. Looking back I should have ended things early with her but gave her the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion this girl ( wanted to always keep her options open and basically strung me along for a couple months). Point is ITS JUST NOT GUYS WHO DO THIS AND WOMEN PLAY ALOT OF GAMES THEMSELVES. I learned it the hard way | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 2:42:31 PM | | Well..... watch your step.... Maybe he isnt as serious as you are in the relationship... Sounds like you have been doing your homework and you might want to confront him about this and find out if your and his relationship is on the same page .... Also there is more than just a relationships on this site .. Friends are also on this site....We do meet them along the way and this posting of forums give us things to do when we need to talk or feel like we want to contribute something or another...Good luck with Friend.? lover? Just where are you two at??? Ask him...face to face dont forget to aknowledge his reply.... | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 3:24:38 PM | I believe it all depends on why you are still on a dating site while you are dating someone at the time. I am dating a very nice guy now, but I still have my profile active. I am here to chat with the numerous friends I have found in this pond. I also love reading and posting to the forums.
I have stated on my profile I am not looking for a date. My guy took his profile off this site when we got together because he was looking for a long term relationship.He wasn't looking for friends or posting on the forums.
I wouldn't have a problem with him if he was still on here to chat with his friends. One requirement would be to state in his profile he was attached and dating. If his profile indicated he was still looking for a date, we would probable have a problem.
If our relationship wasn't strong enough and he felt he needed a back up plan just in case, he would be out the door in a New York minute. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 3:55:23 PM | | I usually don’t have the time to post on the forums, but couldn’t pass this one up! I was once in a long-term, exclusive (so I thought) relationship with someone and discovered that he was doing the same type of thing. Mr Romeo had a few ads posted on various dating sites and a few posts on "adult" sites as well. Smart cookie that I am (grin), I happened to find all this out along with the fact that he had been frequently emailing and chatting it up with various chicks online. I confronted him about this shit and all he could say was "you have nothing to worry about, I was just messing around but I'll stop if it makes you feel better". He tried to make me sound like I was being unreasonable. Long story short, he never did knock off the high school behavior. He was a liar and a cheater and eventually wound up having some freaky sex session in some cheese bag motel room, two counties away with one of his hags from the internet, and his trusty digital camera. I had no idea that this had occurred, and happened to be waiting at his place for him to come home from work so we could go out for dinner. I picked up the camera from the counter to look at what I thought were possibly some vacation pics. Uhhhhhh, they weren’t vacation pics. They were some masterful shots that happened to be time stamped, how do I say this…within the prior 24 hours period! The content was not quite what the average person might expect, given the circumstances…But, THAT’S a story in itself, best told over a bottle of wine…a very large bottle of wine… or maybe you’ll just have to wait for the book… ;o) | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:17:41 PM | you need to discuss it with him and tell him you deleted your profile and ask if deleted his. Then you would know if he is committed. Maybe you are more serious than he is. Unless 2 people have had the "discussion" about being exclusive....they can still be dating other people. Dating is different from "going steady" as we called it in the old days. That would mean a committment.
Don't take anything for granted or jump to conclusions. If things are as close as you think it is then the discussion wouldn't be hard. You might even want to do the deletion together. But he could always sign up up another profile name if he really wanted to. | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 5:13:01 PM | I think there are many benifits to this forum other than just trying to find a date or relationship. People are here for the forums which provide information, support, and a different perspective on something that you may be experiencing at the time. It provides social time for those that may not be able to spend much time out. It is an escape from your reality, if need be. It is also a way to be expressive, define yourself, and contine to check back with your own profile to remind you on a bad day about all the things that are good about yourself. It can also be a way to build confidence and possibly self esteem.
That being said: There are many ways to relay your dating status, wants, needs, desires, and interests on your profile. I think if you are seeing someone you should define the perameters of of your relationship to eachother. You should discuss expectations, goals, and perceptions of the different stages of dating to see that you are both on the same page. Such as what does casual, dating, or exclusive mean to both of you. One of you may perceive that dating means one thing and the other may feel that dating actually means something else.
Once this is done and you are on the same page you should discuss how eachother feels about keeping your profile and how you are going to define your relationship status on your profile. You can change what you are looking for from "dating" to "unavailable". You can also update your profile by including that you have met someone great and you are seeing where this is going but you would like to continue to be social and chat with others within certain boundaries.
What is so hard about that? If you are not able to do all of the above then maybe you should question your level of maturity and ask yourself if you are ready to have a mature and healthy relationship. If you are not ready in these ways and persue a relationsip one of you are more likely to end up hurt.
Being in a mature and healthy relationship does not have to mean that you are in a serious relationship. It simply means that you are self aware of what your wants, needs and desires, expectations and boundaries are and you are able and willing to communicate them clearly to the one that you are in a relationship with. This should apply to any mature and healthy relationship, including friendship, family and even business relations.
So about my status and hopefully about yours: If I am dating my profile will say so. If I am single and looking, my profile will say so. If I have certain expectations, boundaries, needs, wants, desires, my profile will say so. If you are nervous that revealing all of these things may appear to be _itchy, egotistical, or just plain psyco and that you may be limition your dating options because of such you should think of this...
If one can not be honest, self aware, and respectful enough to themselves and others do you really want to date that person?
Relationships end up in disaster because we or the other did not make our expectations and boundaries clear from the beginning. And when those expectations are not met and our boundaries have been violated the relationship falls appart. But the other is only to blame if you have made yourself clear and they are not able or willing to give you what you require out of that relationship. And even in that case no blame should be assigned because it is not necessarily intention that defines what we are able to give and receive in a relationship, it is who we are. Count your blessings if you have discovered that you are not able to meet eachothers reqirements early on in your relationship because you have communicated with eachother. Be grateful that you didn't end up marrying or having babies or buying property, etc, etc with the wrong person.
There are no mistakes in life only lessons. Finding the right person is like test driving a car...if the one you just drove does not meet your requirements, then no hard feelings. It's not the car's fault it is just the way it was made. Be grateful for the experience of trying it out as you have learned something and move on to the next vehicle! | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 5:25:06 PM | Relationships "do" mean different things to different people I have been dating this guy from another site. I was online with him for about a month before we actually met. I couldn't of been more thrilled with that encounter. We have since been dating for 1 month. I asked him one day.."what number in line I was?" (great way to say it,huh?) I explained I wanted to know if I was to be one of many (This was after a few dates, hey a girls gotta right to know) he said he would tell me if there was ne thing else going on. I deleted the profile from the site I met him on. Seemed only right to me. I'm not into dating a string of men all at once, so when he posed the same question to me I said your number 1,2 and 3 in line. Sometimes things can be unspoken. I stay on this site because I have several folks I like chatting with. I explained this to him and he was cool As far as exclusive time will tell. Dating is dating right, but I foresee being exclusive in the very near future It wouldn't bother me if he still had his profile on line, at that point in time. We could delete together (boy that's sappy,lol) | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 7:05:13 PM | I think it's like a kid in a candy store. You know, just cant get enough and always looking for more.
It is one thing to stay on here for friends and forum, its another thing to keep looking.
IF they are truly into you, they would put their status as not looking/ not taken and change their profile slightly.
Thats the only problem about internet dating I find. Many of the guys keep looking for the NEXT best thing.... Not satisfied in todays day and age. And that sucks. lol
Thats just my two cents... | |
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| What do you think of a guy who is in a relationship and is still active on a dating site?
Posted: 1/27/2007 10:33:37 PM | Once you are in an exclusive relationship, your profile should be gone or it should say that you are not available. On a site like this, you need to keep your profile if you want to participate in the forums, but you can indicate that you are taken and only here for the forums.
Based on my experience, it is a red flag. One relationship I was in, I met the guy from another site, I hid my profile, he indicated in his heading that he was taken, but did not hide his profile. I would go into the site during the day to see his picture and re-read our initial emails. One day I noticed his heading no longer said he was taken, but he said he accidently deleted the heading and just put in something shorter. Two months later I found out I should have paid attention, because he found someone else.
Another relationship, where we were exclusive, the guy said he had his profile active to just chat with friends he had made. I was okay with that at first, until my intuition told me something was wrong. I then asked him if he had told his "friends" that he was dating someone - I found out his "friends" still believed he was single.
Not everyone is the same, but the chances are very high that if the person does not indicate in their profile that they are not available, then they are still looking. Of course there are also those who say they are not available, but will tell those they might be interested in that they actually are available. | |
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