| Jokes
Posted: 8/16/2005 11:34:30 PM | Go for it Matt
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| Jokes
Posted: 8/17/2005 1:31:12 AM | no
you, bass master!
Q. how do you know a blonde has been at your computer?
A. there's white out on the screen
Now for a joke from my work (train driving)
A train is going down the tracks when the locomotive engineer spots a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. He promptly stops the train and goes out to the sheep and has his way with it...
when he's finished, he turns to the conductor and says, "ok, now it's your turn"
So the conductor pulls down his pants and sticks his head in the fence....
hehe
sorry about the shop talk | |
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Posted: 8/17/2005 1:49:53 AM | Ok....that was BAD Matt....
I'll 'member that one
What's the differnce 'tween parseley & pussy?
Nobody eats parseley.
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Posted: 8/17/2005 1:37:44 PM | What do you get when you put 27 politician's and 3 lesbian's in a room?
30 people who don't do dic* | |
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Posted: 8/17/2005 1:40:03 PM | | what has two legs and bleeds profusely? | |
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Posted: 8/17/2005 1:54:24 PM | half a cat
geez people....what did u think it was? | |
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Posted: 8/17/2005 2:19:49 PM | This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along
came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?"
The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking
a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do
you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The
rabbit said, "No". The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the
rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass.......... | |
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Posted: 8/17/2005 2:22:55 PM | This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every
time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife
came home and announced that she was going to the National
Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars.
The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand
dollars with you every time you go to a convention."
He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you
have your own ****. What do you need a thousand dollars for?" | |
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Posted: 8/18/2005 12:35:07 PM | A couple for you all...
1. A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel jammed down his underpants. "So how did that happen?", asked the doctor.
The man replied "I have no idea but it's driving me nuts!" 
2. I went to my local butcher's shop yesterday and he told me he'd recently sacked his apprentice...
"Why?" I asked...
"Because he kept sticking his d1ck in the bacon slicer."
"That's terrible," I said..."so what about the bacon slicer?"
The butcher replied "I sacked her too!" | |
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Posted: 8/18/2005 11:31:06 PM | | Trying to move a HORRIBLE thread out of sight!! | |
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Posted: 8/24/2005 10:44:55 AM | | wanna hear the best pick up line ever! ok just imagine this, a guy walks up to a girl and says, "i may not be the best looking guy in here........but im the only one talking to you!" LOL NOW THAT IS FUNNY! | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 11:48:56 AM | | thats awesome freebass. | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 12:29:22 PM | A man and his wife were driving down the road in complete silence, they had fought and were not talking. They approached a farm with pigs, cattle, sheep, chickens and it stunk like hell. The man turns to the wife and says "Your relatives"
She looks him in the eye and says "Yea, my inlaws" | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 2:00:08 PM | A man is at the SuperBowl and hates his seat!He is in the nosebleed section so at half time he starts to look for a better seat.
All of a sudden he spots an empty seat on the 50 yard line!He runs over and says,"Hey, are you alone? Because I would pay you whatever $ you ask for if you allow me to sit here for the second half of the game!"
The man sitting beside the empty seat replied that he didn't want any $ and invited the excited sports fan to join him.
As they spoke about the game the lucky sports fan inquired why the seat was empty.The man told him that the seats had belonged to him and his wife for the last 25 years and they had a tradition of going together.
When the sports fan inquired where his wife was ,the reply was that she had passed away.The sports fan gave the man his condolences then asked,"Couldn't a brother or an uncle come with you today?"
The man replied,"No they are attending her funeral!" | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 8:40:25 PM | There once was a hermit that lived out in the woods in this old log cabin.
From time to time, two of his buddies from town would come and check on him and bring him supplies.
One night, they were sitting around the cabin, drinking some beers when one buddy looks at the other and says, "man, that other night at the whore house, fu*ck, that was AWESOME! SEX eh dude??"
"Yo Bro, it rocked!"
The hermit looks at the both of them and asks, "What here is this sex you two are talking?"
They both look at each other, look at the hermit and ask, "You have never had sex before??"
The hermit looks a bit agitated, and said, "Well hell yes I have, just wanted to know if it was any good..." looking away trying to hide his lie.
So his friends tell him about this whore house in town and at the end of the night, this hermit has it in his mind that if his two buddies think its so damn good, he might wander into town and check this whole SEX thing out...
So the next night, the ol' hermit walks into town to the local whore house, walks inside and sees this guy standing there holding a clipboard. The man holding the clipboard looks up and sees the hermit and asks, "Hi, can I help you?"
The hermit looks at him nervously and asks, "Yeah, I'm here to get me some of that sex!"
"Well," says the guy, "let's see who's available..." looking at his clipboard he goes down the list and finally finds a spot where one of his girls is open. "Yeah, I got a girl here for ya, her name is Sally....Sally Sandpaper..."
"Ughh! That don't sound too appealing...I don't know..."
"Well, there she is", the guy points up towards the railing and lil ol' Sally looks down at the hermit and giggles and waves a hello.
The hermit looked at her and thought to himself, "well she don't look too bad..."
"Sure, I'll go with her then," he explains to the man. The hermit heads up the stairs and Sally takes him to a room. When they get into the room, Sally kinda explains what they are going to do and removes all of her clothes and then the hermit's clothing.
So one thing led to another and Sally hops onto the hermit and starts riding away....
"Soooo, how doessss that feel misssster??" Sally musters up.
"Ooooooh, OOOOOOH Sally! Owww, OUCH! Stop it Sally, STOP! That hurts!!"
Sally stops what she's doing, and gets off the hermit and starts to walk to the bathroom, "Ok honey, I'll be riiight back!" she says with a wink.
A few minutes later, Sally comes back out and assumes the position on top of the hermit and starts riding away....
"OooOOh, OOOOOoooooOohHhhh.....SALLY!! That's aMAAAZING, what did you do???" asks the hermit.
"Well....when I was in the bathroom, I picked all the ssscabs and let the pusssss run out...."
Hahahaha, ok...you can close your jaw now people!!  | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 9:05:44 PM | Thas gotta be one of the most thoroughly disgusting things I've heard in my life, Daisy...
I love you. | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 9:09:49 PM | | You liked, you know you did! :P | |
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Posted: 8/25/2005 9:28:29 PM | 'Course I did...thas why I added the "love you" part.
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Posted: 8/26/2005 4:17:31 AM | Oh God, that was revolting!
Beware of the wrath of SHELLS!!! | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 9:17:29 AM | The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested
an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to
see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do
for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,
and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Dopey shagged a penguin!" | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 12:15:32 PM | What do you call an Indian Peeping Tom?
Took a Look
How do you Top a Truck?
Tep on the brake, Tupid!
Where do newfies keep their Trees?
Between their twos and fours
Where does the government keep their armies?
In their sleevies! | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 12:55:27 PM | A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says.....
"Fuuuuuuuuck..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!" | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 12:59:09 PM | OMG 
After daisy's joke made me have cold shakes and a blood curdling scream, i was afraid to read anymore!, Freebass your the mahn! | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 1:47:45 PM | I had to go to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
"Your honour, who in their right mind would park in the fast lane?"
One time I was pulled over for speeding, and the cop said "Did you know that the speed limit is 60km an hour?" I said "Yeah, I know.. but I wasn't going to be out that long."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night....
When I was a baby I kept a diary... Recently I was rereading it. It said "Day 1, still tired from the move. Day 2, everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot."
Recently I was kicked out of a movie theatre for bringing in outside food. My argument was that the consession prices were outrageous. Besides I haven't had a BBQ in a long time.
First time I read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
I put instant coffee into a microwave and I almost went back in time...
Driving back in to Canada I was asked by the borderguard if I had any firearms.. I said "what do you need..."
My friend George is a radio announcer. Whenever we go under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.
I was born through cesarean section.. you can't really tell. Although when I leave the house, I go through a window. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 4:06:32 PM | PMSL at "Fast Lane"!!!
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