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Posted: 9/7/2005 4:47:54 PM | There are some damn funny jokes here...
Here is my contribution
More from Little Johnny
A school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the
word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all
his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
" The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and
I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word
"fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little
Johnny was noted for his bad language..
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried..... | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 5:59:35 PM | Some more for ya
LIGHTBULB
Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.
BLIND DATE
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another
minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have
a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if
something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he
lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad
news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
NEW VEHICLE
A couple had been debating buying a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a
truck. She wanted a fast little sports car. The couple fought
endlessly about the issue. Everything she liked was out of their price
range. "Look," she said. "I want something that goes from zero to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up,
so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.
SUBSCRIPTIONS
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me
subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason."
Cliff says, "Why?" Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to
see places I'll never get to visit." | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 8:38:55 PM | A man walked into the doctor's office and complained that he could not find a comfortable position to sit. The doctor examined him and told him, "I'm not suprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case of hemorrhoids."
He then gave the man a supply of suppositories, and told him, "Go home now , and use one of these each morning and one at night until they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are."
The man went home home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of hemmorrhoids.
"well" said the doctor, "did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, i did" said the man. "I took one every morning adn one everynight as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow. For all the good they did me, i might as well have shoved them up my rear!" | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 9:06:29 PM | OK, this one takes a bit of imagination, so close yr eyes....
Errrr......waitaminnitt..........
NO, DON' CLOSE 'EM!!! OPEN YR EYES!!!!!
{whew! close call!!}
OK, just pretend yr eyes are closed, & picture yrsef in a jungle hikin' yr way merrily along.
Ya hear a strange noise to yr right, so ya veer left a bit & keep goin'.......
A while later ya hear a noise to yr left, so ya veer right & keep goin'......
All of a sudden ya enter a clearing & come across a cannibal pygmie on a huntin' trip.....
WHAT DO YOU DO????
Wipe 'im off & say yr sorry. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2005 9:21:05 PM | Ok my turn. An oldie but a goodie...
Three old, old ladies were walking in the park late at night.
Suddenly a flasher jumped out of the bushes and flashed them!
Now, the first old lady? She had a stroke!
And the second old lady? She had a stroke too.
But the third one? She wouldn't touch it.
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Posted: 9/8/2005 3:09:45 AM | So this body builder dude was admirin' 'is all-over tan in the mirror one day, when he noticed it wasn't exactly all-over. His poor dangly bits were fishbelly white.
So he decides to even 'is tan out by goin' down to the beach & buryin' all of 'imsef save the aforementioned pale part.
After 'bout 10 minnits of tannin' a coupla old ladies happen to walk by. "Would ya look at that, Margaret," sez the one ol' lady to her friend, "Back in the day we had to use all our feminine wiles & charms to catch one of those, & now that we don' care anymore they're growin' wild" | |
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Posted: 9/8/2005 8:46:53 AM | Here's a few more for you guys...one from grade 5.....one from grade 7 and one from the retirement home.
1) Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
2) The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
3) A fireman and a lawyer were in car accident and showed u at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the fireman to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the fireman says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Firemen are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before." | |
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Posted: 9/8/2005 12:04:12 PM | | oh snap^^^^^^^ | |
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Posted: 9/8/2005 12:11:43 PM | Mom & Dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. Matt's riding a new bike....." a minute later
The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
~~~~~~
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside this refrigerator...." | |
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Posted: 9/9/2005 8:17:13 AM | EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many non living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air
part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to
the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,
didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
to push, he keeps trying! | |
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Posted: 9/16/2005 12:19:04 PM | So I was in this singles bar a coupla years ago where I met this gorgeous dark skinned beauty. I assumed she was new to the area, as she din' speak a word of english. In fact, I had no idea what language she was speaking. But regardless, we somehow hit it off & ended up at my place fer some....uhhhh....recreational activities. So after the kissin' & heavy pettin' was over & we had made our way to the bedroom, there I was between her legs about to get down to the good stuff when she held my face, looked me in the eye & said "Ungalawwa". "Yeah, sure...ungalawwa, Baby", I replied, & proceeded to get busy. "Ungalawwa", she repeated w/ this look of passuion on her face, & by that expression I knew she wanted me to pick up my pace (which I did). She kept repeating that same word, getting louder & louder 'til she was screaming it at the top of her lungs w/ a look of pure extasy on her face..."UNGALAWWA!!! UNGAAAALAWWWAAAAAA!!!"
Couple days later I was down at the pool hall nursin' a beer when I overheard this dude laughin' & tellin' 'is opponent "Ungalawwa!". My curiosity got the best of me, so I walked over & asked the guy "S'cuse me. I heard that word before...what does ungalawwa mean?"
"Wrong hole" he sez. | |
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Posted: 9/16/2005 8:23:24 PM | A newly divorced man is contemplating life while walking down the beach one day and stubs his toe. He looks down and realizes it's a lamp he has kicked. Picks it up yadda yadda and a genie comes out.
3 wishes and all that but the proviso is his ex wife gets whatever he wished for except double!
So for the first wish he says, i want a hundred million dollars, the genie says "it is done, But... your ex now has 2 million (and will probably go after half of your money)
oh, yeah, damn...
next wish he says i want a mansion in bermuda with all the amenities...
Poof, it is done says the genie, but your wife now has two....
begrudgingly the man accepts reality.
after a while of long and hard thinking, the genie finally asks, "OK, the third wish?"
the man says....
"I want you to beat me half to death." | |
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Posted: 9/18/2005 9:56:13 AM | I TOTALLY STOLE THIS FROM A GUYS PROFILE...............
I NEVER EVEN CONTACTED HIM AT ALL CAUSE HE AINT MY TYPE......
How to tell the sex of a fly?
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." | |
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Posted: 9/22/2005 7:12:01 AM | A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says: "Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." | |
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Posted: 9/22/2005 2:52:44 PM | my turn!
Q. what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. DAMN!!! | |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 8:24:49 PM | Four brewmasters are on a convention and are out having dinner, when asked if they want drinks:
Billy Joe Coors of Coors brewery requests a coors light, while jonny labatt the 4th asks for a blue, Frank Busch of Anhauser Busch opts for a Bud but James Guinness simply goes for a soda.
they ask him "aren't you going to have a beer?" to which he replies, "well, if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I" | |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 7:57:16 AM | | what is kate mosses favorite tv show ..................................who's line is it anyways? LOL | |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 12:18:40 PM | One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
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A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?" | |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 2:42:50 PM | anyone who likes good humour should go to this site http://www.office-humour.co.uk/
it is full of funny signs, pics and one liners etc i have a hoot reading them! | |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 3:37:48 PM | A passenger in a Gullivers taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "please don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied "I'm sorry. It's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the past 25 yrs."
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Posted: 10/4/2005 3:57:13 PM | | ^^^^^ | |
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Posted: 10/4/2005 8:51:41 PM | 3rd Grade Promotion
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 3:46:46 PM | *stolen from the Nova Scotia thread*
Air Force One
George Bush,****Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force
One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says "You
know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I
could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy." | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 3:47:59 PM | *stolen from the Nova Scotia forums*
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Indiana and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third
day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from California. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes
were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper. | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 4:00:43 PM | So this Newfie is out on the ocean mindin' 'is own buisiniss & rowin' out to 'is favert fishin' spot singin' "I's the bye that builds the boat, & I's the bye that sails her.......".
This UFO happens to fly over & spot 'im. One Alien looks to 'is buddy & sez "Wonder what'll happen if we zap out 1/4 of is brain?". 2nd Alien shrugs, then hits a button. ZAP!!! A bright beam of light flashes outta the ship & squares the Newfie on the top of 'is pate. Newfie kinda gives 'is head a lil' shake, then continues on 'is merry way singin' "I's the bye that builds the boat.....".
The Aliens see the results & note them down. !st Alien asks 'is partner "Wonder what'll happen if we take half?". 2nd Alien shrugs, then hits the button. ZAP!!! "I's the bye that builds the boat........".
Well needless to say, the Aliens are kinda amazed. They make a note of the data, then the 1st asks "3/4?". Shrug. ZAP!!! "I's the bye that builds the boat......."
Now the Aliens is startin' to tink their equipment is broken, so the 1st Alien suggests takin' the Newfies entire brain. Shrug. ZAP!!!
And off he goes, rowin' 'is boat, happily singin' "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy....." | |
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