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Posted: 10/14/2005 4:46:32 PM | WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 4:48:25 PM | A Quick headline
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the crap kicked out of him.
Male/Female Dictionary
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bee-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing baseball without a cup.
Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 25 channels every 2 minutes.
Communication (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Bum (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Sex
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
Making Love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What women do while the man is screwing her. | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 8:54:09 PM | Bod, you rule, and you're keeping this thread alive....
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 8:55:49 PM | Q: What's funnier than swinging a dead kitten around in the air, at the end of a rope?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
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Posted: 10/14/2005 8:57:57 PM | A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes." | |
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Posted: 10/16/2005 10:11:33 PM | Man of the house
The husband had just finished reading the book,
'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up
to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,"From no on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is
law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied,
"The f*cking funeral director would be my guess?!"
LOL I just had to share.... | |
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Posted: 10/17/2005 1:22:31 AM | @ Matt - Thanks man. I haven't been doing a good job of keeping the jokes clean but...
@TCPL - That is so wrong and sooo funny.
Here's another Johnny joke
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." | |
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Posted: 10/17/2005 1:23:39 AM | The Moral of the story is?
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat ofthe car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess and the moral of the story is 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but whenthey hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f&$k away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
The Monks
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...... | |
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Posted: 10/17/2005 4:47:40 PM | I laughed my ass off when I read this in a bathroom at the University:
lim GPA->0 (BEngg) = BA
Here was a little back and forth I found on a toilet paper dispenser in the Math Sciences building:
awoman = new Woman();
awoman.doit();
^^^^ No, no, think 'throwaway':
new Woman().doit();
And here's one I found on the internet recently:
Q. Why do programmers get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A. Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 | |
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Posted: 10/17/2005 4:58:32 PM | ^^^ WTF???
Geekspeak or sumpin'? | |
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Posted: 10/17/2005 6:05:45 PM | | I think you need to be an engineer to understand it? | |
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Posted: 10/17/2005 6:10:38 PM | | Where's Matt when we need 'im? | |
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Posted: 10/18/2005 4:43:43 PM | geekspeak for sure. as an engineer, i can confirm that...
*stolen from NS forum*
Did you hear that Ashton Kutcher is getting rid of his playstation? Seems he's spending all his time on Bruce Willis' X-Box... | |
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Posted: 10/18/2005 7:41:24 PM | | har har (x-box) | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 11:58:32 AM | COWBOY
A cowboy walks into a bar, and orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm here. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains..."It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though!" | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 12:29:38 PM | Loyalty in Marriage
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... ......You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth."I think you're bad luck, get the fcuk away from me." | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 2:12:41 PM | So this guitar player (sorry Matt, but I gotta) walks into a bar & strides up to the bartender & sez "Barkeep, gimme a dozen shots of tequila staraight up!"
Bartender sez "WTF, Man...? somebody die & yr tryin' to drown yr sorrows?"
Buddy sez "No, I'm celebratin' my 1st blowjob"
Bartender sez "Cool, Man!!! Lemme buy ya one more on the house!"
Guitar player sez "Naw, tanx, but no tanx............if 12 don' get the taste outta my mouth, one more won't help."
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Posted: 10/22/2005 2:14:56 PM | | lmao!!...high five freebass.... gotta keep them guitarists in check | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 4:13:01 PM | | phlbbbbbbbbbtttttttt! | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 4:32:24 PM | Awww......c'mon Matt....No retaliation????
JAM TART!!!
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Posted: 10/22/2005 4:46:12 PM | so the truce is over eh...
in a battle of wits my friendly enemies, i find my opponents unarmed. | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 4:47:34 PM | Google the word FAILURE and hit
I'm Feeling Lucky
lmfao | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 4:51:46 PM | David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ' how did things go for you back on earth?' David says, 'not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.' 'Great', says St Peter, 'what was it you did while you were alive?' ' Oh I was in Real estate.' 'Good oh, come on in' says the St.
Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. 'yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in.
Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. 'yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my stuff, which is at Cash Converters, cars rooted, no education, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.' 'Oh well', says St P. 'and have you been a bass player all your life?" | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 4:54:43 PM | | Don' be playin' stupid w/ me, Matt...........I'm a natural | |
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Posted: 10/22/2005 5:01:41 PM | Q. Whattya call a Bass Player with half a brain?
A. Gifted
Q. What did the bass player get on his IQ test?
A. Drool
Q. Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car?
A. He had to break a window to get the bass player out!
Q. What's the difference between a bass player and a mutual fund?
A. The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Q. What is the difference between a bass player and an onion?
A. Nobody cries when you cut up a bass player...
take that. | |
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