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Posted: 10/22/2005 5:44:34 PM | ^^^Dumbass broke 'is own window 
Whaddya call a guitarist w/ a new bike?
Theif!!!
Whaddya call a guitarist in a 3-pc suit?
Defendant.
Whaddya call a guitarist that's in tune fer 3 songs in a row?
Urban Legend | |
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Posted: 10/23/2005 6:08:39 AM | Whaddya call a guy who hangs out with musicians all the time?
A drummer | |
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Posted: 10/23/2005 3:04:25 PM | What was the last thing they do to Tickle Me Elmo before he leaves the factory?
The give him two test tickles...........hahahahaha | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 8:13:47 PM | A couple more for you all
BRIEFING
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were
killed." "Oh, no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His
staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up
and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
OPPOSITES
A theology professor at a rural community college started the class
by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness,"
said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said
another. "And how about the opposite of woe?" A redneck in the back
of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would
be giddy up, mister."
STING
A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"
KITCHEN SINK
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's where you clean vegetables. | |
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Posted: 1/19/2006 6:45:20 PM | A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time! for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me! pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow."Well, noo," he said,"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
A TRUE CREDIT TO A SCOTSMAN.............................. | |
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Posted: 1/19/2006 6:46:14 PM | A Newfie, let's call him, Wally, is driving home after downing a few at
the local pub.
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of
the road.
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet
another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a
slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the
trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to
a stop.
The officer, approaches Wally's car and asks him what on earth he was
doing.
Wally tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops
him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Wally, that's yer air
freshener!" | |
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Posted: 1/20/2006 9:01:02 AM | What do you call a cow with no legs???
- ground beef
I know that was a groaner but I liked it. | |
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Posted: 1/20/2006 2:41:53 PM | There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got ON TOP of him and disgraced his family." | |
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Posted: 1/20/2006 2:44:20 PM | Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
They can wash their crack and re-sell it. | |
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Posted: 1/20/2006 2:57:08 PM | A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to
farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return
home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to
speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to
a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
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The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
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Posted: 1/20/2006 3:23:54 PM | Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?" | |
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atebis
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Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 112 | |
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Posted: 1/21/2006 7:31:41 PM | DONT FLAME ME FOR THIS ONE, PLEASE!!!
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night." | |
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atebis
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Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 113 | |
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Posted: 1/21/2006 7:35:52 PM | still! i AM a blonde, so this is okay! lol...
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde. | |
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Posted: 1/24/2006 4:07:55 PM | Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the anal-optic nerve. It's responsible for giving
people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your azz, and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. | |
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Posted: 1/24/2006 6:29:17 PM | What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones sing "Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!"
The Scotsman sings "Hey! McLeod! Get offa my ewe!"
Is it still considered racist if you're Scottish yourself? | |
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Tall83
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Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 116 | |
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Posted: 2/15/2006 3:55:26 PM | I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off!"
They said "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."
Then I thought..."****...I could win this..." | |
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Posted: 2/18/2006 7:56:46 AM | A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." | |
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Posted: 2/20/2006 11:12:25 AM | A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh,
.......
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........
........
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box." | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 1:55:10 PM | Two 90 year old men, Al and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Al visits him every day.
One day Al says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Al from his death bed, " Al, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Al is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"
"Al--Al."
"Who is it? asks Al sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Al--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In Heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Al.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there IS football in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Al. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're playing Tuesday." | |
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Posted: 8/22/2007 10:27:05 AM | Not All Is What It Appears!
Recently a routine RCMP patrol officer parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window. He seemed to be trying to catch a fish and a number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked
the horn and then switched on the lights. He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters ! This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfoundlander, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."  | |
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Posted: 8/22/2007 11:30:34 AM | to continue Matt's fun - sorry Bass
bass player is interviewing for the band, he is ok, but nothing special.
lead says sorry buddy but not what we are looking for
Bassist says: "but wait I have a gimick"
"gimick? what is it?"
"I can play with oven mitts on"
"Gimmick? I tought everyone did?" | |
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Posted: 11/12/2007 6:08:02 PM | A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that
the most common form of marriage proposal these days
consists of the words:
"You're what?!?" | |
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Posted: 11/12/2007 6:09:16 PM | Bumper stickers
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ? | |
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Posted: 12/4/2007 8:14:14 PM | Two fish were swimming along, when one of them
swims into a concrete wall...
he turns to his fish buddy and says, "D A M !" | |
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Posted: 12/5/2007 1:05:59 PM | When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle,
she was attracted to him, and during her questions
about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. '
Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.' | |
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