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Posted: 12/5/2007 1:05:59 PM | When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle,
she was attracted to him, and during her questions
about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. '
Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.' | |
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Posted: 12/12/2007 12:06:38 PM | MY DAD IS A FATHER TOO
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and whispered, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. " | |
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Posted: 12/12/2007 9:09:59 PM | Why the English wore Red Coats...
A long time ago, Britian and France were at war.
During one battle, the French caputured an English colonel.
They took him to thier headquarters, and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is, if they get shot the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants. | |
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Posted: 12/13/2007 8:16:54 PM | After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her
aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could
solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked RCMP for help. Within a minute, RCMP emailed the
White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
So now try to read it upside down! Ha Ha Ha !!!! We Canadians are so clever.
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Posted: 12/13/2007 8:24:41 PM | I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. | |
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Posted: 12/13/2007 9:05:39 PM | And in keeping with the theme that has seems to be emerging ...
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting by in CANADA (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in North America.
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do don't you!
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Posted: 3/9/2008 8:48:53 PM | The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than
the spoon or the teacup."
"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?" | |
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