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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 8:13:09 AM | first of all, let's include women in their 30's, 40's and 50's who are still in decent physical shape. I don't think it's because they can still wear a bikini that makes them picky. They're older, wiser, more discerning about who they choose as a companion. And I think the same theory holds true for men who are older. Especially those of us are are divorced and have been dating for a while. We know what qualities we seek in a companion AND those things that are deal-breakers.
and I don't think it's just looks that are the issue. It's that ever elusive "chemistry". I've gone out with good looking men. Big deal. And if the chemistry isn't there for me, it doesn't matter how good looking they are. I'm drawn to a great smile, I'll admit that. And someone who is fun and makes me laugh. someone with whom I can have a good conversation on a variety of topics.
I also admit that, maybe because I work in health care and I see so many people who are train wrecks - sometimes as a result of not taking care of themselves, that I DO look for someone who takes care of themselves and is pretty healthy. I want someone who isn't going to die of a heart attack or lung cancer or emphysema in a year or two. No, I don't care if he has six pack abs and I'm not looking for a body builder. Just someone who isn't on the fast track to the cemetery.
And I've also dealt with the weight issue. I've lost 30 lbs in the past year. I recently went out with a man that I had gone on a date with about 3 years ago. We never went out again but have stayed in touch. We went on a date a few weeks ago and he pursued me this time, much more so than last time. I asked him why..being the curious person I am. He admitted that it was because I had lost weight.......and grown my hair out (guess it's a guy thing). but I'm the same person now that I was 3 years ago.
We can't condemn people for their likes and dislikes or what qualities attract them. Everyone is struggling with the same things and out there doing their best to get along. And we all stumble ( some of us more than others). And we all make mistakes.
Let's try a little tolerance, shall we? And less generalizations. And less assumptions.....remember. The word assume means "make an ASS of U & ME.
ok, maybe not but it works for me.
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vhdc
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 152 | |
| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 9:17:11 AM | | Being healthy has nothing to do with ones attraction, or perceived attractions. I put a lot of effort into my health and want someone who does the same. We tend to surround ourselves with "like-minded" people. Why would I be attracted to a man who is unable to keep up with activity level? or, who is not interested in his own well being? | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 9:39:11 AM | | I am considered beautiful by some and look young for my almost 54 years. i dance and workout and i am still overweight... in that i could lose 20 lbs if i still had a metabolism...and i am not firm and thin...and guys still need to point it out to me...in fact they always seem to mention it when they first meet me. "you know you could lose a few pounds" I tend to not go for guys who are smaller or thinner than me..i want a big man who i think would find me a perfect fit. A girlfriend once reminded me...that it doesn't matter if you have a few extra pounds or are not cover girl material...or perfer not to pretend you can walk around in tight jeans and look good... Halle Berry, Jennifer Aliston and a host of other beautiful skinny women were still screwed around on and betrayed by their men. When it comes down to it i think there might just be one person who doesn't care about all the superficial crap and just adores you and adores being with you just because your you....anyway i just want to find a man with inner balls! | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 9:49:48 AM | | Again, I hear all these “good reasons” for justifying being so focused on the weight issue. I maintain that this is plain hypocrisy. Obese people are plan repulsive and ugly? So be it! At least admit it instead of finding all kind of stupid excuses that no one but yourselves believe. I’m a healthcare professional but still not shallow with the weight thing. I’m not obese and still not shallow about it. I met overweight people who could follow me in most activities. I have an extreme dislike for hypocrites, but even worse, shallow hypocrites, sorry. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 9:50:11 AM | | Again, I hear all these “good reasons” for justifying being so focused on the weight issue. I maintain that this is plain hypocrisy. Obese people are plan repulsive and ugly? So be it! At least admit it instead of finding all kind of stupid excuses that no one but yourselves believe. I’m a healthcare professional but still not shallow with the weight thing. I’m not obese and still not shallow about it. I met overweight people who could follow me in most activities. I have an extreme dislike for hypocrites, but even worse, shallow hypocrites, sorry. However, for those, it's their lost! | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 10:02:44 AM | | ok, I would love to give some in put to your question. I come from both sides of the weight issue. Last year March 9th. I weighed 330 pounds. I was a very large woman. Do you know how many men wanted to date me? I bet you guess is not ZERO. Some of the people were just plain cruel. They would Bark at me Moo at me even one person threw a slim Jim at me one day from a moving car and said that if I took it out of my back pocket I would loose weight. I am quite sure that at that time OP you would not have dated me. You say you like thall thin or skinny women. Hang on isn't that a double standard. Where do you get off saying what you are saying about heavy men when you make it clear that you are not attracted to heavy women. Maybe the same thing that you are not attracted to in heavy women is what they find unattractive in heavy men. Ok I decided to have Gastric by-pass March 9 of 2005. I have lost 175 pounds. I now weight 135 pounds. Most people who see me find me to be very pretty cute attractive things like that. I like to date heavier men. None that are morbidly obese. I find heavier men very attractive. I like to call them squishy cause when I lay my head on them it is soft and nice. My last BF is 5 foot 10 weighs 250 lbs. I Will never date the men that were mean to me before I dont have any time for them. The point is thought that most men are harder on heavy women then women are on heavy men.It is more acceptable for the man to be heavy. How many cases of Belemia or Anorexia have you heard of in men to fit the views of society. If someone like Britney Spears weighed 250 pounds I bet you would not want to watch her on stage. So yeah you like skinny women but that does not make us all liars. It makes us who we are skinny or unskinny both the same. It would be nice as a woman to stop being so harshly judged and critised by alot of the males. Most time if you would just accept us for who we are you would see that some one would love you and date you for who you are. I am not trying to catagorize all the men I do not believe that all men are like this, I know that they are not. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 10:28:44 AM | ok Dunkitty
I have been with thin men that sweat more in the sack then heavy men. Dont you think that it can be somewhat gross to be sweated on that way that maybe he is sweating cause he is enjoying himself. Oh and about the back problem. It seems funny to me but even with thin men I am rarley on bottom. There are so many different ways to go you dont have to go that way all the time it would cut out some back pain. All you have to do is decide that you like to do some of that work. WOW Back pain is gong. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 10:48:01 AM | Ace, I don't know if you are still following this thread...it has really taken off. I have to say that I don't understand the question, really. You yourself say you prefer thin women, very attractive women, but if the women on here prefer thin, very attractive men then it's insulting that they are not the slightest bit interested in you???? Despite the fact that you have a great personality?
I'm sure you are a nice guy and all, but the fact that you think looks shouldn't matter (if they're yours) but that looks DO matter (because you want to date thin, very attractive women) to me is not only a looks "deficit" but also a personality "deficit." This is a personality trait I very much dislike, regardless of what arena it's in. It seems to be very widespread these days. People seem to think if they personally break the rules, it's because the rules are stupid, but if other people break them, then it's because they're bad people. That's a poor analogy because I don't think being fat or thin equates to good or bad or rules, but it was the simplest way to say it. Bottom line is that negative things are only negative when someone else is doing it (or being it.) This is pretty widespread in our culture now.
There are lots of reasons why the majority of people prefer thin people, whether they themselves are thin or not. In my opinion, the potential for sex is a big part of that. I have dated men of all sizes when I myself was thin (when I was much younger) AND now that I am almost obese by the clinical definition. I find that for the most part, sex works better when both people are of average size. Too skinny is not comfortable. And you would be surprised at how many women do have a genuine fear of being squished. (Notice I didn't say squashed - squashed = death, and it HAS happened.) Squished is just that very uncomfortable feeling.
So I don't know if you have a question about what to do about it, but I'll offer some advice, and you can ignore it if it's unwelcome.
I am a BBW so whether I find you attractive and would date you or not isn't really at issue, right? Right, you want to date thin, very attractive women. But, I will offer you a few tips, if you want them. I was thin until I hit my early twenties and have contined to blossom for a couple of decades until I am now more than a few pounds overweight. I still get compliments and turn heads from time to time, but I don't get attention from the hot looking, big money-making guys, and I don't expect to. These guys think they have earned the right to date extraordinarily beautiful women, and whether or not that's a nice trait, and whether it's true or not, I don't stand a chance with them and I don't waste my time with them. If you want to take your chances with the A-list women who are thin and beautiful , go ahead, but definitely consider it a crapshoot, not a realistic chance.
As far as attracting the most attractive person you can get, when it comes to internet dating sites, paid or free, if you are not slim or slender (of either sex) or a wealthy, tall man or a very beautiful woman, you have to bring your A-game if ya wanna play, no matter what other great qualities you bring to the table.
If you are overweight, your photo has got to be REALLY good looking to get people's attention. Now you don't want to dummy anything up, because that's deceptive and doesn't work in the long run. But you do have to put your best face forward.
The worst thing about a lot of the overweight guys I see online is that their pictures are also terrible. Facial hair styles from the 70's (can you say Fu Manchu, handlebar, Grizzly Adams?) Hair that is not cut, combed or styled or is unflattering to the face shape. Photos where they are not smiling or their neck has disappeared behind a double chin. The women's photos aren't much better. For these photos, you have to pay attention to tiny things that most people don't notice, because the whole picture gets impacted. First impressions COUNT, even to those for whom looks aren't everything. Don't just use any photo for your personal - get a friend to snap an entire roll of film or take as many digitals as you want. Groom yourself to the last detail (trim/shape your facial hair, style your hair, smooth or shape your eyebrows, ladies put on at least every day makeup, wear a color that flatters your face) and smile, smile, smile. Try different expressions and different angles and then get at least a second opinion before posting the photo. A great photo makes a huge difference!! | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 11:00:11 AM | | I might be interested but I am short and a little too old for you. And live in a different state lol. Seriously, I hope all women are not that shallow! Maybe they are. Men certainly are concerned about what we look like. No pic, no answer!! So shallow ! Good luck and I know there are women out there who would be excited to meet somebody who will treat them well and be a lot of fun! | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 11:41:06 AM | I'm a little confused... why in your original statement do you only mention the beautiful petite women?
If you are overweight (which face it, these days like 90% of the population is with you!) and say that you never see skinny minnie women with larger men... I ask you this! Have you seen "average" women with heavier set men?
I know I have, heck I've seen girls that weight around 110 lbs that have fallen madly in love and married heavier set men. I've been to the weddings, I've seen it with my own eyes. I have a good friend who weights close to 400 lbs who has a girlfriend that barely hits 150 lbs... she may not be skinny but the ratio is deffinatly comparable!
It is possible, just give yourself some more credit. Just because the skinny girls that you have been attracted to aren't jumping your bones doesn't mean there aren't any out there that would. They might not be the next covergirl for maxim.... but don't they deserve just as much of a chance as the "perfect" skinny girls? | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 1:12:28 PM | Honestly, what someone looks like is what FIRST attracts me. But, people that get attention are way better.
I probably wouldn't have talked to you, because I almost never make the first move. If you had said something interesting or something that caught my attention (not the standard stuff) I'd talk to you. I have no problem dating heavier guys. But they assume I won't look at them. You'd have to get attention first. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 1:42:41 PM | I agree with you completely. And don't mind the comments from those who warn you about getting older and having kids.
First of all I am a firm believer in genetic body types.
I am also a firm believer in "there is someone for everyone"
I am 31, I have had two kids, and have a net 8 pound weight gain since high school. I eat normally, exercise when I feel like it, which isn't often, and I just think I really got lucky. I'm not afraid to admit I am proud to BE a size 5 at my age, but I also give all the credit to good genes. And I hate when people point fingers or get angry at me like I am this way just to spite them.
Thirdly, I do not believe in the "Looks don't matter, it's all about who you are inside" statement. Let's face it people: LOOKS DO MATTER. But on that note, that attraction is different for everyone. I have gone out with men I thought were gorgeous that none of my friends found attractive at all. It's a tough thing we are all trying to do here. You can't force someone to be attracted to you, and you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone else. It's not in our control who sets off the butterflies. You will find your person. There is one for each of us, and you will know it when it happens, and you will BOTH know it! | |
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vhdc
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 163 | |
| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 1:57:38 PM | | Far from hypocrisy. Attraction is an initial physiological reaction to another being (call it lust or, pheromones) from there you can find other attributes (usually starting in the brain). What I find attractive the next woman may not. With that being said, I want the person who lives with the brain (that I find attractive) to be interested in their own health and be able to hike out of a canyon. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 2:14:01 PM | | EVERY ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE ATTRACTED TO WHO THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO. I'M OVERWEIGHT, AND I'M NOT HAPPY WTH MY BODY. BUT I HAVE NO PROBLEM GETTIG DATES. I ALSO KNOW MANY SKINNY WOMAN WHO ARE WITH FAT GUYS. POINT IS THE ATTRACTION IS EITHER THERE OR NOT. YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ALL THE HEALTH ISSUES, SAVE IT, NO ONE KNOWS WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO DIE, NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. ALSO MOST FAT PEOPLE DO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELFS, THERE JUST FAT!! IF YOUR ATTRACTED TO SKINNY PEOPLE FINE, YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT. IF YOUR ATTRACTED TO FAT PEOPLE FINE, YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE?? | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 2:15:14 PM | I agree! And also with VHD. What is interesting to me about his post is that he is resentlful that other people have preferences in looks, even as he puts his out there - and defends them. So he is exactly the behavior he decries.
Of course looks matter, and it is silly to expect people to apologize for liking one type over another. No one can "guilt" me into liking a certain type. There is nothing to apologize for over having preferences.
Dysfunction is there only when it becomes the sole determining factor as a relationship develops. A man taking abuse because he loves to be seen with her on his arm, a woman taking hateful behavior for the same reason or because he is wealthy...other than that, we all do not need to apologize for not being sexually attracted to all good people. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 2:20:10 PM | | But it IS a health issue. Yes, we all know some person in their 90's who smokes and is obese, etc and is just fine. But it's the exception, not the rule. You can deny the impact of gravity and believe with all your heart and soul that it is not a real phenomenon, but it is still affecting you. Yes, no one knows when they are going to die, but you are kidding yourself if you think obesity does not have a high likelyhood of shortening your life, not to mention creating many ills that are no fun to cope with. Denial does not mitigate those very real effects. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 2:30:14 PM | There are dating sights just for heavier people but off hand I can't tell you the name of one of them.
For me, I lost a fiancee 5 years ago to cancer & it turned my world upside down. I want someone that loves themselves enough to be VERY health conscious because I do. It is not a vanity thing but a health issue with me.
Good luck because everyone deserves to be loved.............. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 4:55:17 PM | My reply has nothing to do with my not having a pic. He wanted a truthful answer and I provided my personal opinion. Obesity, male or female is disgusting to me and is the biggest turn off. I am not talking a lil extra cushion but OBESE.
So he posted a pic. Even if he dint, my answer would not change, I would not date a huge person. I am not attracted to rolls of fat. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 5:08:32 PM | @ happy snuggler
you know you never would have had to tell me you were overweight....the fact that YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS ALREADY LET THE FAT OUT OF THE BAG
CAPS LOCK OFF PLEASE
the capn' | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 5:36:01 PM | lickul8tr, lets face it, he had the courage regardless of his size to put a picture up - you dont!
How many "a few pounds overweight" are you ? Because we cant see you - we know what you are looking for! - but we cant see you!
Why?
(Silly question eh?) | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 5:42:23 PM | Allow me to weigh in on this subject, if I may- and sorry for the bad (if appropriate) pun-
When I married my ex, we were both young, and in pretty good shape. I was in the military, so I was buff, and she was nice-curvy, but not overweight.
Then she had 2 kids, and gained a fair bit of weight. About 50 pounds. And you know what? It didn’t change how I felt about her at all. I loved her and wanted her as much as ever.
Then I got out of the military, and middle age spread began to take effect. I gained weight too. And I thought she’d be as understanding of my weight gain as I was about hers.
She went on a fitness kick, and dropped a lot of weight. She went from a size 12 to a size 6. And a funny thing happened. Suddenly I wasn’t attractive to her anymore. When I was in shape and she wasn’t, I still loved her. But when the tables were turned, she didn’t feel the same way.
The last woman I dated seriously would be considered overweight, but it didn’t matter to me. She treated me great, and we were wonderful together. We ultimately parted for other reasons that had nothing to do with the physical.
The most recent woman I dated was simply too big for our bodies to fit together. I liked her a lot, and we were a good match in other ways, our bodies just didn’t fit. And part of that was me, not just her, so I accept responsibility for it as well, I won’t put it all on her, that would be unfair.
Let’s all be perfectly honest for a minute- there’s a lot of back and forth about how the very attractive don’t give the less than perfect a fair shake. I think we all know that’s true. And we also hear a lot of people saying looks don’t matter- Which we all also know is NOT true. I’m not saying everyone out there is shallow, I’m saying that we ALL want to find the most attractive partner we can, given everything else is good (Respect, communication, etc.) And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. If you were choosing between two people, and they scored EXACTLY the same on a compatibility test- and the ONLY difference was one was very attractive and one wasn’t- Who would you pick? BE HONEST about it.
Finally, A person doesn’t have to be perfect…….just perfect for YOU. My personal taste is for women who are nice, soft, and round. That’s my preference when it comes to body type. But we all have a limit to what we personally find acceptable.
I am willing to give any woman a chance if I find her charming, intelligent, we share common interests, and I connect with her on an intellectual and emotional level.
Sexiest woman I ever met was pretty overweight, but man, did she own her sexiness. It was all about her attitude, and how she approached the world. And I once knew a woman who had no body to speak of, very thin, didn’t have much in the way of curves…..but so sweet, and genuine and loving and caring that she couldn’t keep the guys away.
To sum up, try looking at the whole person. If you give someone a chance, you just might be pleasantly surprised. Good luck to you all, and be kind to each other. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 5:43:09 PM | WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!!
those folks who do not post a pic. along with the nebulous "a few extra pounds" usually mean it's a lie
been there done that got burned
no pic no contact! dems da rules I live by
the capn' | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 5:43:25 PM | I have a friend that was married to a 550 lb. man. She was about 135 of average height. She married him because she loved him and he was fun to be with. Later he became controlling and insecure and it ultimately didn't work out. However, it wasn't his weight that was the issue. Although, she did say that having to hold his gut out of the way and always having to be on top was frustrating.
I am a larger woman, tall and curvy. Some men like me, some don't. Different strokes for different folks. Some woman out there will really get with you. I prefer a man who isn't completely huge, as I am active and I want someone to be able to keep up with me, and although there are some really overweight men out there that could, the majority couldn't.
And, as a side note, are you opposed to losing a few pounds? Aside from th benefit of attracting a greater populous of women, you will also decrease the tension on your joints, lower your risk of heart disease, diabetes, etc... It would be good for you, and you are more important than any abstract idea of a woman you want to fall in love with someday.
Good luck, I wish you well. | |
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| OK< a challenge on the weight thing....
Posted: 9/14/2006 5:53:44 PM | "Again, I hear all these “good reasons” for justifying being so focused on the weight issue. I maintain that this is plain hypocrisy."
I'm sorry. I don't think you know me or anyone else on here well enough to call me a hypocrite. Sounds pretty close minded to me. and........maybe......just maybe..........a little shallow. | |
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