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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:03:04 PM | | Woman, my girlfriend knew that I was going for a drink after work and knew the coworker I was going out with. I didn't tell her I'd be home at a certain time, and I got home around 9 or 10pm or so as I recall, nothing unreasonable. My point was that I had the opportunity to cheat (willing participant, location) and it didn't even occur to me. So if it happens again I expect to be equally oblivious. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:07:46 PM | | In relation to the subject question, I find it impossible to consider cheating if you are truly a moral and decent person. It doesn't matter about the chemistry, the desire, or what you want. It's a matter of common decency, and sacred vows to the one you supposedly profess to love till death do you part. You never compromise that vow. To do so means you no longer or never loved the partner you married. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:35:46 PM | I'm sorry for my assumption virgonomic. Yes I know that saying about not assuming anything because it makes an as* out of u and me. A thousand apologies.
Even while I was blah blah blabing, I kept thinking about a time, now a million years ago, when a co-worker where I was teaching wanted to go out for coffee. I mentioned this to my now exhusband and he told me that it was fine for me to have male friends. I told him that I saw more than friend in the guy'e eyes as they wandered all over me while talking -- some things you just know. Again, my husband thought it was fine. All I could feel was how badly I wanted just a teeny bit of jealousy. I know it sounds like I am needy or insecure but if you have a husband pushing you out the door to go have coffee with a guy who you have clearly told him you believe has other ideas, you can't help but feel --- a little less valuable to your partner. I chose to not get together with the guy.
I suppose then, I was thinking from my perspective when I read your post. I avoided the opportunity. I saw it as offensive that a guy who knew that I was married would think that I was the type of person who would cheat.
We have also had out-of-town visitors -- a couple. Both my husband and the guy's wife had gone to bed -- separately -- and the remaining visitor, my best friend's husband, wanted us to "get it on." We did not and they never were invited back.
I don't see any of these things as opportunities. They are insults. I never see these apparent opportunities as something that I can be satisfied for having refused them. I feel sad that they ever happened.
I suppose, having said all of this, I now see why women get angry at other women who cheat with their husbands. If you know that a person is in a committed relationship, back off. Cheaters are slime but I don't have much better to say about the people that prey on lovers from within that pool of relationships. | |
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LANGA
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Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 155 | |
| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:58:31 PM | | Never ever. That cannot happen. It's not real love if you cheat on them. Even if you cheat on someone after lets say 20 or 40 years of marriage and everything going well and you seem to love eachother until a certain point where lets say your partners looks fade away in some way shape or form or they aren't as rich or good-looking as they were before and you end up cheating on them or divorcing them because of it, that just prooves that you never loved that person to begin with and that you were't serious in your heart about that person. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 7:08:13 AM | Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
The DYSFUNCTIONAL can and do.
Also,its not a matter of love alone to think so is VERY foolish. Love alone has no magical quality to change character to think it does is foolish for it goes against history.Its not LOVE its CHARACTER/Ethics that makes a commitment meaningful.  | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 7:34:15 AM | Now a million years ago, when a co-worker where I was teaching wanted to go out for coffee. I chose to not get together with the guy. I avoided the opportunity. I saw it as offensive that a guy who knew that I was married would think that I was the type of person who would cheat.
??????????? How is getting together for coffee with a friend or co-worker cheating??? I know some people quite well that are always doing that and they're not cheating, or at least it sure doesn't look like it to me. Men and women often talk or get together without being intimate. What kind of a world would this be if everyone was intimate with each other and had zero amount of self-control? I personally wouldn't want to offend a friend/co-worker by trying something stupid and losing a friend. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 9:37:33 AM | I wonder if you speed read over my post and missed vital content. Of course going out for coffee is not cheating. I've gone out for dinner with male friends and gay girlfriends -- both potential partners in their choice of gender -- but in those circumstances, there was not such an obvious move-thing going on as with mr. coffee date. I was replying to virgonomic's description of looking over photo albums and having wine with a co-worker. I don't see that as cheating either. The whole point is when you are aware, fully conscious of the sexual attraction, the vibes that the other person is sending your way. When you do hang out with a person like that, are you not just at the very least encouraging that person? Virgonomic must have known, later, that the wine-woman was setting up a make out atomosphere or behaving in a different way. Can you not pick up when a person is asking you for more than ust a coffee date? Do I have to go into the details of things that coffee guy said and his moves or can I not just say that there were many things that indicated that this instance was not just coffee.
Men and women often talk or get together without being intimate. What kind of a world would this be if everyone was intimate with each other and had zero amount of self-control? It would be a ridiculous world. But then, that is a ridiculous statement if you actually believe that women and men have to maintain safe distance. In my home, I have two room mates -- one another female and the other a male heterosexual. We get along just great and bounce ideas off each other. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 10:25:46 AM | | For some reason I get the feeling this subject has been recycled over and over but here we go again. The "Once a Cheater always a Cheater" rule is really not letting anyone being forgiven for an indiscretion. A Person can rob someone, or kill somone and they usualy get a second chance. But damn if a person has an affair they're ostrosized for the rest of thier life. Did we forget what human nature is? Does everyone need to be so consumed with the perfect mate there is no room for faults? Yes I cheated on my wife and you know what I admit it its becuz I Didn't love her. Does that make it right ....well no but by the same token I got married for the wrong reasons and divorced for the right reasons. I have always made it clear I can care less about your past it had nothing to do with me so why should I hold it against you. If you live your life judging people on thier past as opposed to who they are now you will never find the perfect person. I'm sick and tired of people using thier past as an excuse to hold it against a valid nice Guy or woman. He/she cheated on you...so get over it! move on...the next possible mate shouldn't have to run thru a bunch of hoops to prove thier love for you. Love is a commodity and hard to find and when you do find it stop poking holes in it to see if its real. I have NEVER been in Love....and my thought was when you find true love you wouldn't even look at another person or think of sex with another person becuz my Idea of Love is I have found Heaven on earth why would I want any other destination?....These are my opinions but then again what do I know? | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 11:33:23 AM |  to NefariousX
The present is called that because it is a gift. The past -- I have no desire to go to my past so why would I go to someone else's past? There are other threads where the subjects lead to people mostly agreeing that you really shouldn't or don't want to tell all or know all about your matey. If cheating is in that person's past on a habitual basis (a not so subtle way of saying, "Honey, I don't love you any more & by the way, you might want to get tested.") could be useful info. Absolutely we are human. And that is why I tried to avoid situations when I might be too animal-human.
NefariousX, you are brave and honest. I do applaud you. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 11:36:56 AM | | Well I see it as you're either a cheater or not. Whether or not you are in love with someone, depending on your beliefs, you will either be faithful or ..well not so faithful. But with your question, I would think that if you are TRULY in love with someone, that no, of course you wouldnt cheat. How could you have it in your heart to do such a wretched thing if you love that person? | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:30:36 PM | well, well....let's see
@deadman, that sacred vow stuff is garbage. Just words, ask your pastor how many of the people he personally married later came to him about marriage counselling and adultery. Give me a break. Sure, in a perfect world that might be true but this world ain't perfect and it happens every single day right in front of your eyes.
@marathon....you might be right about the dysfunctional bit. Obviously people can love their partners and still cheat but there is something dysfunctional about it all for sure.
@nefarius.....sorry, but I am a bit of a grudge holder....that whole forgiveness thing is best left in church in my book. An armed robber, a murderer, a rapist....sure, their parole board may have decided they deserve a second chance and depending on the nature of the crime and their behaviour in prision, I might even agree with it but they will always be known as the robber, murderer or rapist in my mind and I will never trust them as openly as I could someone who hadn't done those things. People can and do change but it is very rare, mostly people just say they've changed and then repeat their actions once they think they can get away with it. As for cheating...this goes double. But it's ok, I typically don't believe other people when they say they've never cheated either, it is just so common place out there. That's why I don't get too upset when women think I'm lying about it. Just accept it and do your best to show that you are loyal....words mean nothing.
@woman-chat-er-lie....I love your username first of all. Next, I totally agree with your posts about the flirting with flirting and keeping secrets from your lover. I call that emotional infedelity, they get together, give each other smouldery looks, maybe a brush of the hand on the cheek, talking about problems in the realtionship, how different things might have been if only.....blah, blah, blah. We all know it's wrong, it's disloyal and it's disrespectful - the fact that they kept their clothes on is irrelevant. Again, it's about the same sort of dysfunction thing.
My guess might be that your husband wasn't all that cool about you going to see this snake-in-the-grass loser for coffees but maybe was really interested in seeing if you would go at all? | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:37:07 PM | | t.d. and h..if you don't hold marriage sacred as a trust, then you are not true marriage material. But by the same token, your intended must hold sacred the vows of marriage as well. It's not a one-way street. You can trash my views, but not my beliefs. If you cannot find a sacred meaning to love, then in my opinion, you should not marry. To deny sacred vows is to deny true love or you would not be afraid to accept that commitment. Unless you regard your future spouse as a sacred soul to whom you would give your life, then you do not love her. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:49:28 PM | | I say cheating is all about the cheater...it actually has nothing to do with how the feel about the cheatee, more about how they feel about themselves. It'a actually a self-destructive behavior like drinking, or gambling...because of the consequences. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 4:03:03 PM | personally I would never cheat on the one I love. This is not only while involved in a marriage but just a relationship. I don't and won't judge another on whether they do or not as long as I know I am true to myself and I remain that way.
Moundpuppy | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 7:02:16 PM | | @woman-chat-er-lie: Apology accepted, though not really required. I'm glad I was able to explain my POV. I found the situation flattering, but I did not pursue a friendship outside of work with this individual. I would not maintain a friendship with someone who propositioned me while I was in a committed relationship. Kudos for handling that situation correctly. | |
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eira30
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Joined: 1/19/2004
Msg: 170 | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 8:25:37 PM | | @deadman, I am not trashing your views intentionally I just totally and wholeheartedly disagree with you. I'm not a christian and my love is as strong and pure as any. In fact it is far greater than the vast majority of marriages formed under the eyes of god in holy matrimony because I have never cheated on a woman nor do I suspect I ever will. Believe it or not, but christians did not invent marriage or LTRs, when and if I do marry I will be making an oath and taking vows with my wife before our families and our community - your god will have nothing to do with it. I will honour those vows and be true to my wife, I know this for a fact and if I can find a woman I can trust half as much as myself, I will consider myself the luckiest man on earth. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 9:01:55 PM | Good question I don't think it can be summed into one word or a specific answer. If you honestly, and truly love someone, there's no way. If you do, you're fooling yourself...You made a mistake, which we all do, but that part is to be shared with one person only. That's the ideal answer which holds ture for true love which is not very common nowadays as people are cheating every time they fornicate. Technically of course.
Good topic, I'm gonna keep my eye on this thread 'cause sometimes really bad things happen for thewrong reasons and as much as we'd like to think we are, none of us are perfect. Is it acceptable. Well that is a different thread I suppose.
God Bless | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 10:10:26 PM | @Nefarius....that is a good point actually
There are plenty of suck-ups in here who do that exact sort of shit but in this particular case it just worked out that way. For your amusement there is another thread in here where woman-chat-er-lie and I have been arguing back and forth all day long. Take my word for it, I don't pull any punches, I say what is on my mind regardless of how nice the package is. In my experience, the kind of women I am attracted to appreciate a guy who speaks his mind.
Nice try though. | |
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| Can you cheat on a person you are truly in love with?
Posted: 9/5/2005 11:14:00 PM | | For me there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I could cheat on someone. Having been on the other side of the fence, I know how much it hurt me, I could never hurt anyone like that. Also when I am with a man.. He is all I want, I don't understand how anyone could cheat on anyone they really love or even anyone in general. :) | |
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