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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 10/30/2005 6:04:01 AM | It is interesting. If you take the time to really learn to recognize this type of abuse, and you set boundaries not to be broached by anyone, you'll find that you still meet these people and they will still pull the same type of behavior on you. Because you set your boundaries and stay firm to them, they won't stick around long. They're not getting what they need with those boundaries in place.
I realized in reading this that I am drawn to a certain type of co-dependency - leftover bit from "mom" I guess, but I realize also that I'm never successful in getting these relationships anywhere (I mean absolutely nowhere) because my boundaries are so set that the tricks to put me in that codependent place don't work.
Hah. There's something to make me feel pretty good about the relationships that never got off the ground. Now I just need to take away the element that draws me to these guys.....as it is certainly a waste of time. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 10/30/2005 6:36:55 AM | Theories are just that, theories! Most woman, suddenly find themselve in am abusive relationship-because they didn't see the warning signs, first off.
Then, there are other woman who want to "help" the troubled soul-but, in-turn, find themselves being the victim.
Normally it natural for humans to be compassionate towards others-that's what sets us apart from animals.
The blame game, of who is really sick-is usually based on who stays or who doesn't-then it becomes even more difficult because, nobody really has the answer except the two parties who are in the situation.
My niece got married-after getting right out of the army. One night she went back home, to her parents house. Apparently,her newly-wed husband,..beat her up! We were all pissed off and wanted to kisk his ass. She begged everyone to cool down and let it go.......... 4 days later, she went back to him. A couple weeks later-she''s back home with mom and dad-but in a worse condition. We were upset again but, didn't comtemplate murder as an option any longer. We wondered, why did she go back in the first place for. She heals and 1 week later, she goes back to him, yet again...........the same things happens. My sister in law-grabs her, throws her in the car and drops her off at the police department. She told her, "Tell the police and file a complaint. You are a married woman-deal with it" Then, my sister-law-leaves her there right out in the parking lot and drives off.
Well, my niece did file a complaint and later that afternoon, went to a lawyer and filed for divorce too. Now, she's married to another man. She says-"All the warning signs where there when we were dating and I saw them-but, i wanted to be that one that helped him."
I'll tell ya-any guy who it's me-will get a 2x4 slammed over his head! | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 10/30/2005 7:24:43 AM | Some interesting posts here. I felt the need to comment on a few.
I wasn't exactly "moved" by some of the compassion some have shown here. Being an abuse survivor is not a choice most have made, they were victims of a circumstance and it doesn't matter how many times you are in an abusive relationship, it is NEVER your fault if you are the one being abused.
I refuse to incriminate the victims of abuse because the abuser needs a damn excuse for what they did and to drag the rest of the human race down with them. Abusing someone is a choice.
Yes, codependency is a major factor in the conditioning many have learned in their homes of origin. Abuse isn't only about slapping or hitting or beating someone anymore. Emotional abuse is one of the most rampant that can affect people far more deeply than any form of physical abuse and especially if it was done to you as a child. The long term effects are staggeringly difficult to overcome. Depending on the severity of the abuse and the chronic nature of it, you can be forever altered psychologically and that leads to a conditioned response to the outside world. This includes the choices you make when it comes to relationships in the future.
An abuse survivor who doesn't get treatment and help to discover their faulty thinking patterns based on a set of rules (codependency) that wasn't theirs to live up to is not likely to have much success in their relationships.
Do you realize that if you have ever called someone a "bytch" or "***hole" that you participated in abusive behaviour? How many here have done it and yet they don't see themselves as abusive. Yeah right...look in the mirror, it's not just hitting anymore. Manipulating someone, verbal assaults when you are angry, name-calling, putting someone down, criticizing their gender, making fun of their characteristics, calling them blanket terms that apply to their gender are all a form of mental abuse and most of us have learned that response from experiences that steeped us in that reaction. It's important to take responsibility for what we say and do. There are many people who ongoingly practice abusive behaviour in these forums and most of YOU are as tolerant of it as the victims you say are just as responsible. Ummmm something is a little off balance here.
then it's definitely their fault as much as the abusers.
So it's as much the victim's fault as the abusers huh? Well, thankfully the rest of the industry doesn't share this view.
I think many here do not quantify the "mindset" of an abuse survivor and how it impacts their choices. You don't see the world through the same lens. Your self-esteem is completely eroded depending on how young you were when the abuse occurred. You begin to see yourself as one of the abusers...no better. Well you WERE better until their impact taught you differently. Especially if it occurs in your formulative years. We are conditioned to high tolerance of behaviours which "normal" people would run from. It escalates. Most of us eventually reach out for help knowing that we can't do this anymore. Some of us never get that epiphany. For some, it is so deeply ingrained in their psyche that they can no longer differentiate the dependency from the attachment to an abuser. Abusers are very good at making you completely dependent on them. Most victims have broken homes or bad family bonds which they do not have to turn to. For many their homes were just as abusive as their current offender!
For myself, I not only was abused as a child but later entered into what I would label as abusive relationships. Did I cower? NO! I stood up to them with the same abuse I was having thrown at me. Heck, I've even participated in some good ol' abusive verbal bashing here and no one mentioned that what I was doing was abusive and wrong. Hmmmm I don't think it's only the scapegoated survivors who are being a little numb is it?
Abuse continues because we allow it to. Hitting the abuser over the head with a 2x4 is a violent thought and might I add, abusive... no more wise than the abuser themselves.
There is help available for anyone who wants to stop the cycle of attraction to the abuser. I avoid abusers now at all costs and I do not feel one iota of compassion on them other than that they were likely victims of abuse themselves. But, they made a choice and they must be held accountable for it.
Clearly many here are clueless about abuse, what it is, how it works and what it's like to be a party to it when you had no other choices.
In my case, there was no child protection services to rescue me. And I'll be damned if I'm going to take this tripe that I'm as much at fault for the abuse as the abuser...bull...I was a child and as a young adult woman, I was still THAT CHILD that no one bothered to take a look at let alone help. I mustered up the courage to leave those abusive relationships as an adult woman, hoping that they would change. I now know better.
I think this is a good time to look at how abusive the members of POF can get on these boards. I can't say as I have walked away feeling wonderful some days. Why do I stick around? Maybe because it'll help someone out there get a "clue". | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 10/30/2005 10:13:21 AM | Babylonia... shes right on the money honey…. Kick him in the nuts, pull out his hair and cut off his arms, he'll never slap another woman... Go girl go  | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 10/30/2005 10:11:04 PM | Blastkiss, you rock! tell it like it is.
I was abused as a child, in fact my father attempted to murder me, he had cut my throat
with a broken bottle, and if not by the grace of god, and my older brother stepping in
and saving my bacon, I would more than likely be dead.
I refuse to have compassion for an abuser, you are correct to say that it was their choice
to act out as they do.
I refuse to be a victim to someone else's sickness, I had no way out of my situation
when I was younger, and when in my marriage, I in fact was attempting to escape from
the all of the sick behavior, but what do you do when a cop shows up and laughs it all
off? or tells me that I have to leave because of a domestic abuse situation,
The ex was good at acting, and playing to the police, and putting the blame upon me,
she laughed and taunted me continually, and said often, that I was screwed.
And I was screwed, up until I filed for divorce, and got my day in court. I want to share
this memory with others here.
Once I filed for the divorce, she went down and filed an order for protection against
me, I was taken into police custody, and escorted from my home at gunpoint, in front of
my son, when the O.F.P. hearing took place, she sat in the courtroom acting out her
little game, crying and carrying on like O poor me, abused woman, when the judge
and lawyers went into chambers, she stopped the tears, and looked back at me,
and put on this evil smile, to let me know that I was dog meat!
God the hair stood up on the back of my neck. But her game ended that day,
as the order for protection was vacated, and a custody evaluation was ordered,
after the evaluation was completed, The court placed an order upon her limiting access to
the children, and no contact with me, for a period of one year.
I was awarded custody of the children, the house, and she got limited visitation,
and she still to this day, lives in her little world of denial, telling the children that their
memories are flawed, that certain events never happened, and on and on.
I stay away from the abusive people, and I try to be very aware, so as to not get
sucked into the sickness any longer.
Thanks for setting the record straight blastkiss.
Warren | |
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