| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 7:46:48 PM | OH God I've met guys on here that still talk about their exes and they have been divorced for years. Just because you don't say names...your feelings and attitudes based on prior relationship experiences tend to show through with your current attitudes.
I think to judge anyone based on the idea that they are separated or divorced is ridiculously ignorant. You can't possibly believe that a person isn't capable of being present and emotionally available for a new relationship based on some stupid paperwork.
Do they not at least deserve the benefit of the doubt that maybe they have dealt with it and have done all they can to deal with it. I was divorced from my husband the second I found out he was cheating. I don't have the "paper" divorce yet because I frankly can't be bothered worrying about it as I don't plan on marrying anytime soon. When we can afford, we'll get the lousy papers done to make the lawyers happy.
Not everyone thinks a piece of paper is the word of God. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 7:56:01 PM | I was "separated" for the last time (it took 3 times to "take") from my ex for a year and a half. He lived several hundred miles and 7 or 8 counties away. i worked in a job with contact daily with the public, yes, I had the kids at home, but had I "wanted" to I had plenty of opportunities, got hit on like crazy, but just was not tempted in the least. I even wore my wedding rings still, didn't realize THAT was a turnon. But separated for ME is still married. That's just me I don't expect anyone to think the same. And yes, divorces can take time to complete and finish, sometimes it's a drawn out process. But anyone who's honest enough with me to say the're separated I won't date. Period. I've been lied to several times on this and both situations ended promptly. You're NOT divorced if your divorce isn't finalized, doesn't matter you have no intentions of getting back with your ex and are trying to get your house sold or whatever. Last guy who lied to me admitted that on our first date and I met him here, and he still calls me now and then. During our enjoyable dinner, he still talked about his ex and his emotions were raw and totally surface. I haven't shut him out completely only because I feel sorry for him. Yeah, I know that's not a good idea, but it'll be some time before he's ever dating available again. We had a fun enjoyable evening and I'd do it again, he's interesting and intelligent, not a bad way to spend an evening. I made it clear to him what I think and how I feel, so he knows he's not what I want but we enjoy each other's company.
edit: I agree with blast's post that the paperwork isn't the key thing. i've just personally never met anyone who is separated that isn't still emotionally attached. When you're on a date with someone new is not the time to relive the special good times with someone else. If someone was emotionally detached from the situation meaning over it and ready to move on, then yes, I'd consider that and the paperwork wouldn't be an issue. I've just personally never encountered that situation. | |
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skylab
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Joined: 12/11/2004
Msg: 28 | |
| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 8:00:39 PM | ********************************************************************************************************************************************
This is what I have experienced.
When I finished my divorce, I did not need a year to get myself together.
However, some people do.
I have dated "seperated" women, and here is where the deal-breaker is for me:
If divorce activies have started such as papers filed...attorneys talking...waiting for the judge...negotiating alimony/child support...well, these are usually indicators that she isn't going back.
Then we can see what does or doesn't come next.
However, if the "seperation" is just an experiment, or intended as a marriage refresher, I will pass, thanks. No need to expend emotional investment for some other dude's payoff.
BZZZ thank you for playing! | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 9:11:37 PM | | Seeing as we're all individuals, we all deal with our personal ups and downs differently and in our own time. I've met some that have moved on and are good company to be with within a few months of ending their marriage. Others that are still a slave to bitterness many years afterwards. I look for clues such as anger. If there's still noticable anger, maybe they're not ready to date and it's best to cast your line on the other side of the boat. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 9:16:35 PM | Oh my Gawd...No..emphatic..No, absolutely not. Been there..done that too...and quite frankly they are not ready to date...and hating your ex so much that dating someone else would drive her crazy...is no reason to be dating...and quite frankly I don't want to be anyone's hate f**k.
Thank you for indulging my rant... regular progamming will resume shortly.... | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 5:38:37 AM | I won't date someone who is newly seperated or one who is going through a MESSY divorce. I just don't like the drama. If he has been seperated a year or so and/or the divorce is amicable with NO fighting over custody/property issues or stalking involved, then I have no problems with it.
IMO, has to be done on a person by person basis, it isn't rational to just make a flat rule. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 6:55:43 AM | | Now there's a bad idea. I've done it a couple of times. As long as you keep your distance and just keep it "friends" (you know what I mean) then go nuts and sow those oats. Otherwise I'd say you're begging for trouble on this one. Not a hard and fast rule of course since every situation is different but generally you're either going to be the rebound or you're going to get serious about them long before they get serious about you. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 8:12:26 AM | Absolutely not a good idea with the separated women anyway. I dated a woman recently who had been separated from her husband for a few months and was in the middle of a heated divorce battle. She was terribly stressed out and anxious about her future. Plus he was a controller who didn't allow her a life outside the home so her social skills and self esteem were lacking. I did everything I could for her but in the end, her situation caused too many problems for us and we split, her call. She apologized to me for being a pain in the ass, which I assured her she wasn't, but she didn't feel it was fair to put me thru all the crap.
As for divorced women, thats a different issue. They have been seperated for a while and had time to adjust. The issue could be their views on men. Do they harbour resentment towards us? Have they lumped us all into the same hateful mindset? Are they still fighting with the ex? I find divorced women much easier to be with than seperated. And once you are in your 30's, chances are the women you will meet will be either seperated or divorced so you might not have much of a choice.
Its very subjective and depends on the person. You can't stereotype it, that wouldn't be right. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 8:47:26 AM | | My husband and I were separated for 15 years before he passed away, making me a widower. Neither of us planned to marry again, so why get a divorce? I considered myself as single and led my life as a single woman. Men always knew that I was separated, and also, that I did not plan on marrying again. So, I see no problem with it as long as they'e honest about it up front. As far as the newly divorced women, depends on what kind of problems you had with them. Ruling out everyone in that position would be kind of drastic! | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 11:17:26 AM | | Hey brainsandbeauty, you are correct. The experts do say to wait one full year after the divorce is final. Good rule of thumb I think. I also agree with you about asking questions about the past. Nothing wrong with that. You can really find out a lot about how someone is if you talk about the past. Behaviors have a way of repeating themselves. If someone is very angry and bitter about their ex consider that a red flag. It is understandable to be bitter after a divorce AS LONG AS they don't take that stuff out on you. I've been on the receiving end of the women are from hell womanhaters club and it makes me wonder why these people even date. As for the comment the women made before about everyone having baggage. Yes, I agree. Everyone has baggage but some baggage is A LOT heavier in some than in others and it is each dater's right to refuse to date someone based on the facts of their baggage. I am sure there are many wonderful men and women who are ok to date while going through a divorce. If they are ok with their divorce, amicable with their ex- great. However, and think about this, if in your dating experiences you have had some negative dates with people going through a divorce, doesn't it make sense that they would avoid those people based on their experience??? Yes, I believe so. And the comment about not dating someone because of their race, come on now. Let's not be catty here. Stick to the issue. Divorce, child support, custody, money, the property, the house- divorce is hell and you are typically in an extremely emotional state- anger, sadness, depression, worry. Yeah, that's baggage! Been there, got through it. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 11:19:36 AM | I honestly can't believe some of the replies here...
Being seperated myself, and currently going through a divorce, I have dated several men. Single, seperated, divorcing, whatever. I am dating that person because I think there is a connection - mutual interests, I like him, and whatever else there is that attracted me to him. I don't really care what his status is, as long as he is being honest about being without a g/f or spouse. I look at him for who he is, not what he is dealing with. There are many people with issues, and part of a relationship is being there for support. That is what counts. And to all those people that say "No baggage" - good luck finding someone with that, because EVERYONE carries baggage of some sort. Some people just know how to carry it better than others. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/22/2005 2:27:50 PM | | Separated....probably not. Newly divorced? Sure! Why discount an entire group of people because they are newly divorced? If he's a good man, makes you laugh, you have fun together...why not? Someone else will end up with him eventually, anyway. I just use a little more caution when dating the newly divorced...take things a little more slowly, and see what develops. Love is not for the faint of heart... | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/30/2005 9:30:06 AM | | I would deponds on why they r divorced & how long they been thinking about divorce. Cause alot t=of them r on the rebounmd. Nooo ty they r the ones that dont know whast they want but think they doo | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/30/2005 12:15:58 PM | | I totally agree with Jeopardy Junkie. I too stayed with my ex until I was absolutely positively sure it was over. People should not presume that just because you are recently divorced/separated that you still have issues. Many of us have dealt long ago with those issues, which is the reason we have left :-) | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/30/2005 12:26:13 PM | ^ I agree.
But we all know at least one person in our lives who is a runner. The moment they are
single they panic, don't know what to do, are unable to comprehend being single and run
into a new relationship. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/30/2005 6:50:21 PM | | I NEVER date a separated or newly divorced person!!!!! I did that once in my life and will never do it again.....My rule of thumb is a man needs to be divorced for at least THREE years or I`m not willing to take a chance... | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/30/2005 7:29:45 PM | chicken
Look, Dating is supposed to be fUN. My GOD!!! This topic cracks me up to no end. It isnt like you are going to marry them in the first month. Besides, it is DATING. Why should they have to wear the scarlet letter until some random amount of time goes by when they mirraculously "HEAL" and lose their "baggage" | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/30/2005 7:35:21 PM | | I can see why some people mmight be scared off by the words separated, as I've seen some nasty divorces that I wouldn't want to get within 10 miles of. But for other people, like myself, when the separation is physical, permanent and all the legal stuff has been dealt with and they are just waiting out the one year time frame before finalizing it with a signature on a piece of paper, whats the problem? Unless you're dating people that have emerged from an isolated pod like in a bad science fiction movie, everbody you're dealing with in an adult relationship is going to have a relationship history. You just have to take it on a case by case basis- for my sake please! | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 9/25/2005 8:59:25 AM | I have no gripe with dating a seperated person, just so long as they are REALLY seperated and the divorce is eminent and not on cruise control waiting for the ex to come around and take them back. I mean really, there are many degrees of seperation (heh) and they have nothing to do with amount of time.
I just have had the most gut wrenching experience with a "seperated" man (a POF-er, as a matter of fact) who claims to be looking for a long term relationship and wants to start a family and all that. He even told me that there was a snowball's chance in hell that he'd ever reconcile with her because "she isn't the kind of person I can be with anymore." But when we met for a weekend, he talked about nothing but his ex the whole time and she even called him while he was there (on his cell phone). Eventually he admitted that he is still in love with her and wants to get back with her. And it's been over a year since they split.
On the other hand, I have a very good friend who left her ex husband and never looked back. She met a man about a year later, they fell in love and are now married. They are both lovely people and I think they have a great relationship, not a rebounder. So really, time doesn't mean much in these things. It's where the person is in their own mind that is important and how honest they are being with you and themselves.
So there is seperated and then there is SEPERATED if you know what I mean.
Excuse me for rambling on in my very first post, but this one really struck a nerve. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:03:14 AM |
No need to expend emotional investment for some other dude's payoff.
BZZZ thank you for playing!
AMEN!
(sorry to double post, but I couldn't find the edit button to add this on to my
original response). | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:16:15 AM | It all depends on the individual and how they've handled the situation. Everyone is different and they react differently to an experience. I know people who have been divorced for years and though they're in a new realtionship they still can't get past what their ex did to them. I know others that were able to get over it and make a new, good life for themselves and then include someone else in their life.
As a general guideline, I wouldn't want to be the first person a newly separated or divorced person dated, simply because that usually ends up being the 'rebound' relationship. But once the person has had time to come to terms with how their life has changed, and decided to make a fresh start, I see nothing wrong with dating them.
There's always a chance when you meet someone that they may meet someone they like better, or go back to an ex. One doesn't have to have been married and now separated/divorced for that to happen. By not giving oneself the opportunity to know a separated/divorced person, one is cutting out a lot people...and possibly a potential great person. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 9/27/2005 5:50:23 AM | I've been separated for well over a year and my divorce is soon to be final. I date and have dated throughout the process. I think most of the answsers to this question come from people who have been burned by others.
Dating is just that. Dating. Y'all are putting the cart before the horse, trying to determine the outcome of any relationship before it even starts or if anyone even knows if there's a potential for a relationship.
I've met some single, never divorced men who are in need of some intensive professional help.
There's always a chance that you could meet someone special, or that it all could just be a disaster. Dating is a risk. It is highly individualistic and unless you all want to go into an emotional glass bubble, no matter who you decide to date or try to meet, divorced, single or even married, you truly take your chances.
I'm out here taking my chances, looking for emotional stability. Wish me luck. | |
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