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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 4:04:38 AM | I think it's ok for him to go out with friends(females).
That's assuming those are not dates, you know where he's at all the time, and there is not too much drinking involved. Being drunk is the #1 excuse to have sex with your friends.
Also, don't let him spend too much time with his friends. There should be a majority of time spent with you. Otherwise, you'll end up losing him. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 10:09:29 AM | | The Op's 2 and 3 post discussed her BF bugging her about other male friends, so this topic goes beyond "can men and women be friends". You know, the posts here about trust are to the point. But how far does that bond of trust go? So I am curious, if anyone here has been burned or disappointed by someone you trust? You can be friends with a rock if you want if you are single. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 5:21:35 PM | As I see it, when I am sexually aroused by a woman that changes the nature of our relationship entirely. It's not a friendship. It may be friendly, we may do the things that friends do and it may go on for many years but my heart knows something that she doesn't. It's a lie. It's a waiting game. It isn't a friendship.
My friendships are real, and open, trusting and rewarding. My friends and I don't typically keep secrets for one another and I genuinely want them to be happy and will go to great lengths to help them achieve happiness, sometimes at my own expense...they are my friends.
If I'm lusting after a woman who thinks of me as a friend and she tells me about her new boyfriend, I might be tempted to play up and possibly emphasize his negative points, look for opportunities to spin the details of the stories she tells me about their relationship (because that is what friends do right, talk about thier relationships) to cast doubts into her mind. This isn't friendship.
I can only imagine the posts to follow, "just because you are like that doesn't mean I am, I can love my friends and want them to be happy AND want to fu ck them"...bullshit.
You can't even enter into a discussion like this until you are mature enough to accept the fact that sex plays a role in the vast majority of your relationships. Why did you get hired when the ugly girl was way more qualified? Why does your girlfriend have to get a ride home every day from the guy in the mail department when people in her office drive right past your house? Why is it that your partner's "friend" always happens to be at your place when you call home from out of town yet never seems to come around while you're there?
When I'm in a realtionship I make an extra effort to make sure my gf knows exactly where she stands and how my friends factor into my life. I treat her with respect by not behaving in ways that would make her doubt my loyalty. Jealousy isn't her problem, it's my problem...why would I give her any reason to be jealous if I loved her? It's about respect. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 5:24:30 PM | | Yes, but one of them wants sex. There's only two types of women in the world: The ones a guy has slept with and the ones he hasn't slept with yet. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 5:28:30 PM | | I think it is entirely possible for men and women to be friends with no sex involved at all. I have several guy friends and that's all they are, friends. I don't have sex with them and our friendships are just fine without it. i think it just depends on the people involved. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 5:33:25 PM | Okay, the post was whether or not people can be friends without screwing, yes?
Answer: Yes.
However, the first post goes into how you can be made to feel the fool because homeslice is seeing multiple babes and only getting it on with the one, so all the other potential dating isn't really dating. Or whatever.
My question is, does that mean that sex is the be-all, end-all qualifier for what constitutes a relationship? | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 7:38:53 PM | Men and women can't be just friends. Some blame the natural sexual tension that exisits between men and women. Still others point to the jealously which plagues rational people, when your mate befriends someone of the oppsite sex.
Lets face it most of us start thinking those lil green envious thoughts when our beloved is spending most of their time hanging out with the opposite sex, and still others boil it down to the inherent differences between the sexes.Which brings us to this point of simply men and women just can't be friends, especially when they are attached or dating someone .Right?
Well the experts and I say wrong!!! The age old belief from a completely different and biased era where the women stayed home and the men were the main and only providers, and the only way men and women were supposed to be around each other was purely for romantic interludes.
Well that era is long dead and our ways of thinking on this topic seriously need to change.
I mean we can work with each other,be in group social settings with each other, and have sports interests.This nice and refreshing cultural shift is begining to put forth a whole new message.
Even though it can be tricky at times, men and women can successfully be close friends without any sexual innuendos being involved, and if you are one of those that think not then you really need to do some serious rethinking.
On a whole, society has long signaled out romance as the ever typical male/female relationship, because it helps us to procreate. The cross-sex friendship , has been trivalized or ignored. We have rules for how to appropriately act in such romantic relationships, and also have rules for same -sex friendships.
However ther are very few platonic male-female friendships today in our culture.This gives us a huge loss to even define these relationships.
I blame part of this on the media and hollywood, due to the simple fact they portray that sex always comes between men and women making true friendship next to nearly impossible.
And the media (tv) doesn't help either.
I mean almost everytime you see a male-female friendship on tv, it always ends up being a romantic relationship.
Take Chandler and Monica off of "friends" for instance, they started out as friends, but then all of a sudden they are having sex, and in a relationship.
It is these simplistic cultural images that makes this hard to overcome, and not be biased about, and it's no wonder we always expect that men and women are always on the road to romance.
Experts and councellors did a poll from 150 men and women on what they liked and disliked about their cross-sex friendships.Topping the womens dislike list was the sexual tension factor. And well the men mostly replied that sexual attraction was their main motive for initiating a friendship, and also these men(like most) believe it could even strengthen a friendship.
So on an average about 62% of men and women said that sexual tension was the main factor in their cross-sex friendships.
Friendship should be a natural pairing of equals. But in our culture where men have always been more equal then women, male dominance and power is baggage that both sexes are likely to bring to any type of a relationship.
Women tend to subconsciously adopt a submissive role in these types of friendships, however this is changing as society is beginning to wake up, so to speak, and treat both genders with more equality.
Society may not entirely be ready for friendships between the genders, with no sexual innuendo's.
Naturally and it's happened to me, people with close friends of the opposite sex are often bothered with nudging,winking, skeptisim: (one of my fav age ol questions I usually get and it makes me smile is) Are you guys really just friends?... Lols of course we are, I mean if we weren't there'd be a whole new level of umm interaction between us, I usually reply.LOLs
This is especially true in the older adults who grew up in a biased society where men and women were naturally "off limits" to each other untill they were wed.
Has people develop serious relationships or even get married, making and maintaining cross-sex friendships gets increasingly harder. Some will say bah it's just because the person your in a relationship with is having insecurity issues. Well I beg to differ even people, the most ever sure and secure types and couples don't want their girlfriends / boyfriends to be establishing a new friendship with the opposite sex, even more so if that person is alarmingly attractive.
And in the older generations cross-sex friendships numbers are even more dwindled.In a poll only 2% of the friendships elderly women have are with men.
Menhave rated cross-sex friendships as being higher in overall quality, and nurturing then their same sex friendships.
This is simply due to the fact that men canrelate and talk to women,which isn't so when they are with their buddies. And women rated their same sex friendships higher on all these same counts.
Women expect more emoitinal benefits from friendship then men , so is it any wonder why we has women are easily disappointed when we don't get them.
personally speaking from a womans perspective , all tha sharing in a female - female friendship does get exhausting. Hence why we need men every once in a while for just friends. With men we joke and banter without any of the emoitional issues that we have to worry about with our girlfriends.
Men just don't get sensitive about things that women do and besides being friends with a male also gives us extreme clarity and insight on how and what men really think.
Overall in reality sex isn't always on the agenda. I mean even friends who are attracted to each other recognize that certain qualities they tolerate in their friendship just wouldn't work in a more serious relationship.And after years of considering someone as a friend, it becomes harder to see a cross-sex friend as a romantic relationship possibility.
On a final note though , whatever the challenges of male-female friendship in order to succeed as friends , but the genders must be open and honest communicate exactly what their relationship will mean, and how they will deal with it and establish such appropriate boundaries.
Ciommunication with your mate and your friend is the overall key to keep the lil green eyed monster called jealously at bay. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 8:09:04 PM | Wow, you were all over the place^^^^^I think you argued both sides rather well and your facts pretty much put the nails in the coffin?
Sure it would be a wonderful world if we could just all get along and be friends.
I don't need to rethink anything.....my life experience speaks volumes and women are not much better at keeping sex out of their friendships than men are. In fact, if you do a poll of women's vs. men's profiles in here I bet you'll find a far greater number of women are specifically looking for friends in hopes that one of them will become a romantic interest.
It isn't new and it will never change. Humans are not only social animals, we are sexual ones too - the combination is volatile.
Don't blame me for telling you what you already know.
The vast majority of people out there have been and will be unfaithful in thier relationships. Those of you who are reading this post....it was a "friend" that you cheated on your partner with wasn't it?
My guess is that the women being honest with themselves mostly said yes while the guys likely were saying no. The guys who cheat in general (and this is only a guess) took advantage of an opportunity while the women cultivated the encounter over time through "friendship" (in general).
I'm not saying that it's impossible for men and women to enjoy healthy and honest friendships, I'm saying that the person you love is probably thinking about fuc king that friend they spend so much time with. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 9:32:21 PM | Wow,
Of course men and women can be friends without sex. I know I have plenty of women friends. I wouldn't think of having sex with them, they are too special to me for that. I think as a friend you always look for what is best for your friend. I am very supportive of my female friends in what they choose in life and as long as they are happy I am. I can talk to them about anything and since I never made sexual advances on them they respect who I am and what I want to do. A real friend can seperate lust from love in a friendship and knows where to not cross the two. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/14/2005 9:44:07 PM | Well the experts I listen to (DR. Phil, Dr. Joy, and Dr. Laura) say people in a committed relationship should respect their partners, and not be alon with members of the opposite sex. So Yes you can have all the opposite sex friends you want, just not in private. Are there any other experts with a different conclusion? I would love to read what they say.
TDH you sound like you know what you are talking about. There are so many posts on POF about unfaithful partners who runaway for someone else, and let me guess, they were "unfaithful" with someone they knew, some "friend" who became a lover, unless they met a complete stranger for a one nite stand, then who cares. Well, I care. I have female friends, but they know and I know, not to spend time alone anymore when one of us gets in a relationship. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 12:10:41 AM | FLguy...I'd get suspended if I said what I truly think of your post. I will say I totally disagree with you and find it unfathomable that someone could believe such things. Good for you, you must be the exception.
@aquarium, I've had more than my fair share of lovers go to "friends", I've even have some go to MY friends. It's always the same bullshit. I also see it with the people around me in my life, my friends, thier friends, people at work, etc. I see it with women I meet who are involved, I've been that "friend" before.
In my youth, I thought it made sense to just be near the object of my desire in whatever capacity I could "just in case" and it is brutal having this goddess come cry on your shoulder every time some asshole mistreats her "why can't I meet guys more like you"? Now I don't ever waste my time with that nonsense - I don't want to fu ck my friends!
I might be able to forgive a random sexual encounter that happened once and was over but I could never forgive or forget the betrayal of someone building a relationship with someone else while they were with me and these so called "friends" are the only way that is possible. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 5:27:34 AM | okay - if what the people on here saying it cannot be done due to sexual tensions, etc... then am I and many others weird because we have these friendships? My male friends are more my brothers than friends, so does that mean sisters and brothers have sexual tensions? Wake up - just because you are the opposite sex - doesn't mean you are always thinking of jumping their bones.
To me with a few of my friends, that would be incest. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 5:33:03 AM | | I agree with Queen. I may have mentioned this before, but all I have are female friends....I wouldn't even imagine sleeping with them. It would feel like incest as Queen mentioned. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 5:49:57 AM | I have many guy friends and i dont beleive one has ever made a pass about having sex w/them. Maybe in there mind they would like to but they all have repect for me as i do them.
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 10:14:52 AM | | Why not? Men and women can be platonic friends. If sex is involved, it can no longer be platonic and it's difficult to be just platonic. It is about personality, how one defines the boundaries of friendship. | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 12:44:48 PM | Yeah TDH, some people dont see the big picture, or they aren't reading any other posts but their own. Sure some of you might have opposite sex friends. I've hade em too (and 1/2 the time they were girls I desired secretly (I was younger) I wanted to date. OK for all you who have here is the criteria for such a discussion. Some of you ignored important concepts.
1.It is ok to have opposite sex friends.
1a. And if a guy says most of his friends are female thats just plain freaky
1b. If a girl says most of her friends are male, thats just plain freaky. IF YOUR A FREAK ADMIT IT OK? I am freak, I admit it, its easy to be honest if you dig deep dont be afraid to question your character. Why do you girls think all these guys are "hanging around", not every guy, but most guys? (see below)
2.Its not OK to hang around them in private if you have another committed relationship
3.Maybe you never cheated LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE DO
4.Thats why its disrespectul to your mate, and RISKY
5.If the odds are 1/1000 that "two friends" get it on (when IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS)
then I might agree that its ok to HANG AROUND OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS IN PRIVATE WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP
6. But I think the divorce and cheating and AFFAIRS STATISTICS ARE MORE LIKE 1/5.
7. Its the "seatbelt" argument. Sure you never been in a wreck, but you wear your seatbelt right because THE ODDS ARE its gonna happen
8. I want my GF to be confident she is the only woman I spend time with alone, If I need to I can "chit chat" with my female friends: at work, at meetings, on the phone etc
9. A few weeks ago, it was revealed that her "ex-BF" who she went to the movies with (after she met me) is now in therapy because of their breakup years ago. And he wasnt' just hanging around to be her friend. She realizes that now and told him he couldnt come over any more. So I am really gloating! Hah! So that little "friendship" turned out like so so many do......
Anyone care to address the points? | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 12:53:03 PM | | well, i do believe men and women can be friends with out sex, but emotion is another story.... i have many guy friends bc i prefer to hang with guys ( less drama, u know what i mean ladies)....but i do know that most of them have over the years confessed feelings for me and more than one have tried to get in my pants...but.....that doesnt mean they did..... looking into your situation, it does seem strange for him to hang with THAT many women at one time, ladies man type..hmmmm... dont let him make u feel like the fool, play his own game, but be better at it.....enjoy YOUR life, and be less conserned about his, and he will start to see the big picture, rather its spending more time with you, on you, or not spending time together at all....you will find what u r looking for, if u stop looking for it.....listen to your heart..and you will know what to do, and whats really going on...other wise i dont suppose you would have posted this thread, huh?.you dont need any one else to tell you the aswere, you already know it.....have a blessed day......... | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 1:15:49 PM | aquarium
I will address one
If you are a woman and most of your friends are men you are a freak?
and vice versa
that is an small minded statement. (you asked for comments).
My best friend is a woman, but most of our friends are men - and thats the way its always been - there is less drama, and I seem to click with them more. It doesn't mean I have a man inside screaming to get out - but I am sure thats probly what you were hinting towards.
I just have been able to get along better with men. And as I SAID BEFORE they are more like brothers, and I their sister (most of them didn't have sisters).
So to say a statement like that is silly. I don't know if you were trying to imply that men that hang out with a lot of women are secretly gay - or vice versa. If that was the point - gay people are not freaks - and that was a bigot comment.
If that wasn't what you are implying - I apologise, but it sure came across that way. | |
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franke
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Joined: 9/8/2005
Msg: 124 | |
| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 1:18:41 PM | I'm with Emma and TDH
Communication, Honesty, Respect for others
"I would never have sex with my friends" doesn't mean you wouldn't want to just that you choose not too for a variety of reasons of well considered reasons.
and I would add - how could I have not have feelings of affection for my friends - I love them. If I choose to be in a committed relationship - it would be one that allowed me to express my affection for my male friends. I don't think it matters if it's male friends for women or female friends for men.
Dr. Phil? never alone with the opposite sex? really? sounds like he doesn't trust us. lol | |
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| Can men and women be friends without sex?
Posted: 9/15/2005 1:36:15 PM | The point is Queen, why do you think there are so many men being so nice to you so often that yourr female "friends" aren't in the ballgame? They are being nice to you cause you are chick and if you have 10 male good friends I bet 5 of them want in your pants, or are secretly pining away wishing they were cool enough for you etc.
Men are supposed to have men friends and women are supposed to have women friends. Isnt that normal? And I dont care if you do it, but at least know whats normal and not normal. When I do weird shit, like stay up till 3 am on POF, I dont try and convince anyone I'm normal, etc, I do it cause thats what I do, not cause its always right.
Thats why they have "boys schools" and "girls schools" and "boys bathrooms" and "girls bathrooms" and a "boys department" and a "girls department".
If I told you I was a straight male, and most of my friends were gay males cuase "we just get along better, less drama" what would you think? | |
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