| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/17/2005 10:29:00 AM | As a single mom of two boys, there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it is not easy being a parent. When my friends are discussing and deciding for themselves about the issues of child bearing and child rearing, I tell them what I have learned in my own life. It is forever. It is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is losing your identity as a grownup. It is having to deal with the father forever, whether you are with him or not (hoping, wishing, praying that he will do what is right by the children). It is worry, stress, grief, sleepless nights, joy, happiness, contentment, frustration, confusion, pride...all alternating daily, sometimes hourly.
So my advice to them is this (setting aside all those "surprises") if you are in a position to be making the decision, be sure it is something you truly want in your heart, women aren't all automatically maternal, some of us just don't have it. Have children with someone who wants them as much as you do, because if a time comes that he doesn't want you, you will at least have a better chance of him staying involved with them. Expect it to be difficult, you will not have all the answers, and sometimes you will really suck at it. Expect to sacrifice freedom, money, time and your identity. Expect to make mistakes, feel disappointments, expect to grow and learn and be humbled by the people your children grow into.
Having children is the easy part, raising them to become loving, kind, caring, considerate, contributing humans is the hard part. It's a difficult, sometimes thankless job, and shouldn't be entered into lightly. To have children or not have children may be a question with an answer that will never be agreed upon, but we must always respect a decision made either way, especially if its made for all the right reasons. | |
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LL3
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Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 129 | |
| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/17/2005 10:43:55 AM | I don't have kids yet for a couple of reasons.....Most important, I have yet to have met someone that I wanted to have kids with....secondly, I wanted to be grown up enough to make sure that I could handle the responsibility.
I knew enough of me when I was in my twenties, that I was NOT ready to have children. Simple as that. It was a choice, and a pretty selfless one, as it is now, if I am to have any in the future, I'll be well into my 50's or so before they leave the nest. Hopefully I've learned enough by now to properly raise a child or two if I get lucky enough to meet someone that I wish to have them with. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/17/2005 10:04:35 PM | Thanks heaven...people seem to forget about the individuality of the decision, and use the "we were put here to procreate and populate earth" argument or the "no way I'm bringing children into this evil world" argument a lot to illustrate the pros and cons of whether or not to have children. While the arguments are valid and provide food for thought in the great debate, the choice is private and personal and based on an individuals wants, needs and desires for how they plan to live out their lives.
One thing that is interesting to note....people who don't want children are often bombarded with criticism and pressure from their family and friends to have children, but the "childless by choice" aren't running around telling their family and friends to quit making babies, I thinks it's interesting to note who's minding who's business. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/17/2005 10:27:06 PM | i dont want kids, never do. Dont have the time nor money to care for one, nor do i like them.
To me, its a downer in my life. I have a lot to explore in this world and a loving partner to share it with. Just the two of us, is perfectly happy. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 1:01:32 AM | "it is losing your identity as a grown up"
???
Isnt it (having kids) adding to, furthering, or solidifying your identity as a grown up?
All I know is that kids are people. They were you and me.
Its the damned parents that you have to worry about...
Adults are "allot of work"!!!
kids are easy in comparison
about that there can be no question. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 1:15:12 AM | I don't really understand people who believe "Their way is the right way" (e.g. their choice to have kids is "right"..)
they can sometimes feel smug & "morally superior" becasuse of their choices..
and look down on people who choose otherwise..apply labels such as "selfish" to them..
I could view people who DO have kids as 'selfish' because maybe they just want to have someone who looks up to them and adores them..
as the poster below points out, mayb eit is 'selfish' to "need to pop out your own genes rather than to adopt those already here.
But then again, no need to feel self-righteous and look down on others because 'you' are so noble as to adopt, either..
Maybe you can score double points for the Afterlife if you adopt from a poor war-torn country? or at least feel somewhat smug & morally superior to others..
If you get right down to it, our motivations are virtually always 'selfish' to some degree..
even if it's just the "noble feeling" you can have about yourself about how "unselfish" you are..Yes I think Mother Theresa had some 'selfish' motivations to feel good about herself, that is not to say she was a bad person, perhaps people that derive these good feelings from helping others are 'better' people than those who derive their good feelings from partying & getting wasted all the time..
Maybe the people who decide NOT to are making a resposible choice.. maybe they KNOW they would not be good parents and so decide NOT to inflict another messed-up set of kids on the world..
why not ask why there are SO many obviously NOT ready for the responsibility who DO pop out pleanty of kidlets?
easiest job to get into, hardest one to do right..parenting.. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 1:15:20 AM | Didn't read all the responses, but I have always wanted to adopt...everyone has their own opinion, but I really don't have THAT desire to pass a bowling ball, plus in this day and age, why not take on the ones here, rather than bringing more into this brutal world in which we live?.. to all those who are and/or want to...just a personal opinion...  | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 1:15:29 AM | I hear the complaining from my friend often enough. It only confirms to me that I'm not
suitable to become a father. I remember my friend 7 years ago as a carefree fun spirit. I
couldn't picture her not laughing. Today I only see a shadow of that.
Joy? I can't fathom it from what I'm witnessing. I see reports of the violence unleashed
on children by there on parents. I see abuse stemming from frustration
and inability to cope.
If anybody here believes parenthood is gonna be easy I'd suggest you
speak to your friends who have kids. You can't just have a child like
you pick a puppy from the pound. It is VERY EXPENSIVE and it
swallows you whole. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:59:36 AM | for badboi
Once you become somone's "mom or dad", whoever you were before that is drastically altered, that is the identity loss to which I'm referring. An experience you can only relate to IF you've had children. I see by your profile, you have not.
And your comment....
Adults are "a lot of work"!!!
kids are easy in comparison
about that there can be no question.
If you had children, you would know that kids are not easy, it's the hardest job you will have in your life. When an adult is "a lot of work", guess what, you can just walk away, ignore them, never see them again if you so wish....have a child....see how far away you get when the going gets tough. Which is what my point is, being a parent is not "easy", raising kids is not "easy", it is a full time forever commitment and my point was, and still is, that people should respect other people's decisions about whether or not they want to make that commitment. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:27:55 AM | | In today’s world why must I have children…..never mind that I will have to care for them for eternity…yes I know selfish not to want too, but I would also have to allow one to come scream through my body….I look at the simplest moments in life (i.e. dinner with your family) and enjoy those moments like they were my last, appreciate every taste (burnt or not) every comment (snotty or not).. Those moments to me are special like having children….I am just not so sure I want them everyday. Yes I am young or course I may change my mind, although my doctor disagree and I am looking at getting “fixed”…..If for some reason I do change my mind(highly unlikely I have been asking to get “fixed” since 14). There are a few million starving dying children in the world. I imagine I will only be a prouder parent for being so unselfish to be able to love another’s child. See children are special yes and they make you look at life with a different light but why are you all waiting for children before you can see the world under that light. We all have the ability to view it differently right now!!!!!! Why do we need children or hurricane before we can appreciate what we have now!!! Plus I do have children they just are fuzzy and with four legs;) | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 2:50:51 PM | I don't see why it matter if someone wants children, or not. I don't think it is a selfish decision to say you don't, anymore than it is a selfless decision to say you do. Children are, to many people, a lifestyle choice.
Some people own homes, some rent apartments, some live on farms and we don't ask why. We are on this planet to exercise our free will, not to procreate. having the ability to do something doesn't mean we should do it. | |
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| no one is selfish really?
Posted: 10/18/2005 2:53:35 PM | | there are lots of reasons folk choose not to have kids . there carreer . or they are not ready for a commitment as of yet . but i wouldn't say they where selfish . i know kids are great i have 2 myself. and i adore them very much . we are living in the 20th century now times are changing . | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:10:32 PM | heavenscherubangel, I am glad some people stand up and say they don't want children, at least they are being honest, too bad there are so many who have kids who shouldn't have any such as abusers, petophiles and so on!
It is a real shame also that some have kids hoping it will keep a relationship alive and going!
Having a child is a prescious thing, to be wanted, to be loved and cherished. So no to being selfish in not wanting to have kids, kuddo's for being honest and not causing a child a tragidy! | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:55:58 PM | No I dont have kids and I have been careful not to. I agree with what you are saying of course we should respect peoples decisions. And I see what you are saying about your perception of yourself. You become an Island where before you were a stream.
I have had some experience with kids, trust me; and yes I could walk away and did, though not because of the kids, but because of the mother and the other
"adults" in the situation. I worry about having kids and having to walk from the adult, never the kids. Makes me think I should adopt some day.
That being said, people walk away from their kids, it happens everyday, for the right reason or the wrong, it doesnt matter, the "people" are here now and it is a better world with them however difficult it may be on them.
i.e. I think it is tougher being a kid than an adult. | |
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| no one is selfish really?
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:28:30 PM | @Lost-21: "we are living in the 20th century now times are changing"
Umm, I dunno about YOU, but the rest of us have been living in the 21st century for a few years now.. | |
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K8T
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Joined: 8/4/2005
Msg: 146 | |
| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:23:52 PM | Well heres my twisted situation...I dont ever want children personally...its way too much of a responsibilty that I dont want, but...I would love to experience being pregnant. Crazy eh... I'm just very curious at what it feels like to have someone growing inside you.
Also, I dont believe that not wanting children makes me selfish, its just where I'm at in life. Maybe in the future things will be different.
For now, I just love being an auntie to my two nephews, and my niece.  | |
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LL3
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Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 147 | |
| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:28:20 PM | | Well K8T.....here's my 2 cents....GOOD FOR YOU! I'm 34, have the greatest neices and nephew on the planet and don't want to make them cousins till WE'RE ready......Trust me, you are not being selfish.....It's a great call.... When you are ready and find that man, it all just falls into place.......Enjoy. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:52:49 PM | Some aren't capable of raising/ caring for kids, and kudos to them for realizing it, or not wanting to.
Selfish...would be having some, and NOT caring for them. The way my girls act...I'll just be happy if they manage to remain out of prison when they grow up. | |
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| People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think?
Posted: 10/18/2005 10:09:17 PM | I wanted to have kids just so I could get to play all the cool games again, and no one would give me a hard time for acting like one then. If all I ever do in life is be a good Father, Husband and Friend then I've suceeded in life no matter whatever shortcomings I have.
To those without them and considering them, when you are ready emtionally, financially (this is overated, they don't need THAT much), and with the right partner..you will be absolutely STUNNED by your capacity to love. ALso you will be stunned by how your patience/ will/ sanity will be tested also. | |
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