| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:31:59 PM | "I am upfront that no sex will be occuring on the first date. I actually say that, most men get quiet and so ok, wasn't really expecting it."
Assuming things go well on the first date & without trying to be a smart *ss -- after how many dates would you consider sex to *be* a possibility? | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:43:52 PM | | funny....I'd rather get to know a girl first as a friend.....guess I'm not "Man" enough! Just bustin' "your balls" | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/17/2008 9:45:46 PM | I'm weary of the "friends first" deal b/c in my own experience, that is ALL you will be. If emotions do develop for more, it's usually one-sided and the other party finds it off-putting, so it's a recipe for disaster. Now if you date a few times and no chemistry, then being friends is fine. But if you want to take things slow (and I do mean SLOW), then a guy is not apt to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind.
If I'm going to be friends with someone, then that is what I expect. If I'm going to date and mate, then I expect that. Don't blur the lines. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/18/2008 5:58:57 AM | I think men and women CAN be friends first, but it is not common or easy, unless they develop a friendship first for other reasons, and something else happens to develop later. I think this is because various social and cultural factors have worked together to create two dangerous assumptions / stereotypes:
1. that men, in general, are all about sex; and
2. that a woman's value is derived from how attractive / sexually desirable she is.
When you combine these two assumption together, it makes a lot of sense why men and women who are open to dating have a hard time being friends first. If a guy doesn't try for sex quickly enough, it can often lead to confusion, as the man isn't matching the stereotype, or, worse, the woman may be hurt and may question her value, both in general and within the relationship.
As someone who vastly prefers to be friends first, I have seen this play out a number of times, to my detriment. I even had one woman tell me (after the fact) that she was extremely interested, but when I didn't try and get in her pants by the second date, she figured I couldn't be all that interested in her anyway, so she decided a relationship with me wasn't worth it. We stayed friends for a while while she dated a couple other guys, and when she finally decided that maybe it would be worth it to give it a try, I was seeing someone, so it went nowhere. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:23:05 AM | | That is MY question to women. Why can't women be friends first. They just can't enjoy a cozy evening without wanting to get busy!!!! And then when you tell 'em no, they get all bent out of shape and ballistic. I think that they are used to men jumping their bones, they can't take it when a guy just wants to enjoy their company, lay back and relax. That is so sad!!! | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:35:20 AM | Guys want to know if we have a chance with you. We need an answer or else we're liable to feel rejected. But, it doesn't have to be a yes or no answer.
"Not yet" works very well with most guys. However, you should only say that if you're still considering the possibility. As soon as it turns to "no," then you really need to let a guy know that it's _just_ friends if you want to be a friend to him. | |
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Katir
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Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 58 | |
| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/18/2008 12:42:22 PM | It goes both ways... if it's the girl trying it then it's the excuse of "hey, it's 2008 for God's sake!!!"
So, men don't have to wait if they don't want to, and vise versa. From one gentleman to a lady, let me just say "I'm glad that you're here!" :) | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 5:11:36 PM | It's because we don't want to get stuck in the "friend" zone. I would much rather have a girlfriend who I was friends with first, before any romance started, than just start some kind of relationship straight off the bat.
I met this girl through a friend and I thought she was lovely. Even though some of my mates didn't think she was attractive and didn't understand what I saw in her, I thought she was beautiful and she had the most amazing smile that always made me smile too. I didn't want to mess this up as I honestly thought she could be "the one", so I wanted to take my time and just start out as friends. We seemed to get on really well, we had loads in common and had a similar sense of humor, we became really close and when I thought the time was right I tried to take things further, but she didn't want to and said those words that no guy likes to hear "you're like a brother to me". We're still best of friends and I know she cares about me a lot, just not in that way. She has a boyfriend now and that's really hard to deal with, but she's still a very dear friend and I'd never want to lose that. But I do wonder if things might have been different if I'd approached her for the first time as a potential boyfriend rather than a friend. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:03:47 PM | | I agree being friends is a mixed message. It's ok to say you want to take it slow. But to me friends means no possibility of sex or becoming your girlfriend or wife.I recently went out on a couple of dates , 3 to be exact. The first two went great , I respected the woman and didn't even french kiss , just a kiss on the cheek goodnight. We really hit it off , but I guess we both got scared , so on my third date I said alot of stupid things. I called her to set up a fourth date , and left a meassage. SORRY finally I'm getting to the friends thing. She called back and asked me what I was looking for. At that point I realized she had decieded that she wasn't intrested. So she mentioned the friends thing . Can we still be friends ? So I said I'm not sure if I am able to be your friend, but we have each number we want to call each other. They way I said it I never expected to hear back nor did I have any intention to call her back. Sure enough she calls me about 4 days leaves a message on my voice mail telling me everything thats going on with her and saying how she liked the way I dance. LADIES PLEASE I need your help here , If thats not confusing what is? So I called her back spoke with her for a little while , and said why did you called your sending me mixed messages , so she said I want to be friends. lol I told her I wasn't intrested . Was I wrong ? Could it have lead to something more ? | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:36:40 PM | Because women usually don't want to have sex with their friends. Period.
What are you reading this sentence for. That's it! Read the sentence above this one again. That's all the explanation you need.
The end. | |
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SDock
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Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 64 | |
| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:24:18 PM | that is the best.... love what you wrote. I have had several men want to meet me and then when I say yes they stop connecting.... then, I have those that just want to know my bust size.... get a life guys... there is more to us than the size of our chest. I don't ask you about your measurements.
I am yet to meet someone on here that is "normal" actually I am beginning to wonder what normal is!!!
yes and then there are the liars.... oh my... did I say that on my profile... sorry I guess I exagerated a little... yeah yah think???
I am too tired to care anymore... I realize the more I meet men the more I like my cat! | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:25:23 PM | I know what you mean. Most of them either want just sex or a serious commitment. There doesn't really seem to be a happy medium.  | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:35:25 PM | I have found that the "friends first" woman more often than not simply aren't ready for a relationship. She usually has a bunch of emotional baggage and is still struggling to deal with this baggage. If I want a friend, I will seek out a friend. If I want a relationship, I will seek out women who are ready for a relationship. I would rather not blur the two needs. If you aren't ready for a relationship, that's ok, I wish you well.
More often than not this approach limits the unhealthy people in my life. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:04:24 PM | Just tell them your expectations from the get go. You must be a heck of a woman to have men who want a serious relationship after a few phone calls.
Why can't Men be friends first?
Do you treat them like "friends". Frankly most of my friends are guys. I don't pay for their meal if we go anywhere. Going dutch is a good way of telling a man "this isn't a date"
My 2 cents | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:25:37 PM | | I am totally in awe. This is an old post, has survived with new comments, and most astonishing it has been mostly males responding . | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:36:18 PM | IMO the expectation/demand/desire for "friends first" (with the potential for more) is the general female equivalent to men that expect/demand/desire "sex first" (with the potential for a relationship).
From my experience it is basically the same as saying/thinking "I want that which I idealize in a long term, committed relationship without having to commit, accept responsibility, or be accountable, and have my desires fulfilled before even considering the other person as anything more than a self centered fulfillment to my needs."
So, IMO, it works both ways. Women (generally) don't want to be objectified for sex, and men don't (generally) wish to be objectified for emotional validation. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:45:49 PM | Ok , how can i say this but not be hated by every woman in the world.. Whatever it seems like u want to really know the answer, and your def not the first woman i heard say that before.. Heres the low on that, the straight dope, De Skinny. Men for the most part, are athletic, they appreciate a more juvenile sense of humor, are not sensitive to bodily rythms, are natural aggressive, problem solvers etc.. oh and very competitive on an inpersonal yet physcially aggressive way. Guys for the most part look to a companion (as in Friend) that reflect those modalities. They want a pal that they can make fun of and wont take it personally, someone they can play a sport against and will actually be a challenge, that ask a question because they need an answer not empathy.
So what happens is, for the most part men have contempt and are annoyed by women, (well contempt is a strong word) and to be blunt if it wasnt for the sex, men would almost never be around women.
Now in my defence I should say, most met are borish, unthinking, and loathsome creatures and would be entirely self destructive human beings were it not for the care of their mothers or wives which have essentially become thier domestic slaves.
As well I think women (in an aggregate sense ( by no means all women) unfortunatley havent yet realized that this is 2008 and its time to actualize thier full potentials put on their big girl hats, stop using sex as a means of access, become more aggressive active and intellectual.
Ya thats why men and women cant be freinds, cause their nothing alike, and you should thank god for sex, cause otherwise these two sexes would never bother meeting up! | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 10:06:18 PM | | I can be friends first, no problem. But if the person I am being friends with is super good looking, then this thing called biology clicks in and then just being friends gets a little....if you'll pardon the pun....harder. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 8/26/2008 10:58:02 PM | | Because I have plenty of friends with whom I don't have sex. Why do I need another? If I wanted a friend, gender wouldn't matter. If gender matters, then I am looking for something else. Why not cut the crap and admit that? | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:49:26 AM | Ten reasons why my profile says friends first and I don't want a one night stand:
1. My unit has a head, but no brain, so I generally don't let it make my decisions
2. I don't want to take advantage of someone's vunerabilities
3. I don't want to be taken advantage of by someone who could cry rape or only claim to be on birth control.
4. If she has no shame, I'm wary of STDs
5. If she has morals and feels shame, she may avoid me because she is embarassed
6. It takes time to figure out if she's looking to mother me, looking for a father figure or likes me alot, but wants to make a few changes . . .
7. The first date may be just after the manic episode and just before the depressive episode.
8. It takes me a while to spot the stalking ex-husband if he's had any military training
9. I'm interested in a whole person, not a few choice parts
10. If I make a friend and romance fails, I still have a friend | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:00:27 PM | | It depends on the guy. I have had both experiences. I think you need to make it clear what you want. I went out with a woman who just wanted to be friends only. After a period of time things went in a great direction. If he is a good guy what will happen will happen. I had 2 long term girlfriends where we had sex on the first date, and I a few girlfriends where it took time for the relationship to develop. Decide what you are looking for and it will happen. | |
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