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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 10/8/2008 5:35:17 AM | | It's entirely possible to be on a romantic date and not push for sex. That's called having respect.all I get is woman who want more from me . I was always told . a woman wants a man first and NOT be rushed into sex fast . where are those woman now . I live in wisconsin . if , the woman does not smoke , you have me . | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 10/8/2008 9:08:54 AM |
It's entirely possible to be on a romantic date and not push for sex.
IMO, if you have to "push" or "ask", it's not worth having.
True "seduction" is nothing more than promoting an atmosphere in which a woman feels comfortable doing that which she already wants to do. I never ask, or push. If there's mutual attaction, it flows as a natural consequence without needing to talk about it or ask questions beyond, the "where" the two of you are about to go for some privacy.
However, if that mutual attraction isn't strong enough for both to act on, then it's not the sort of romantic relationship that I want or need. If it's not there naturally, there are no hassles, no arguments, no pressure. We just go our separate ways. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 10/8/2008 10:53:04 AM |
She tells ME that I make her feel very comfortable.....guess I'm doing something right...or have I been FZ'ed?...who knows, right? All I know is, is that we get along pretty well, and "get" each other. She has no problem talking to me in conversation...and is actually happy to see me. She mentions there are certain guys that creep her out, but I don't
You will not have sex with her. Ever. | |
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VAPurr
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Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 104 | |
| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 10/8/2008 3:14:39 PM | Men have a problem.
If they don't come after you, they get called gay or non-sexual.
If they do try to be touching, kissing and like affection and closeness, they
get in trouble for that.
The way to control this is by controlling where you are. I had to learn this once.
It used to be sex was not done in public. Now I do a lot of email first or telephone.
As I got over 30, being close meant more to me than sex. There are many ways of being close without sex.
I have also noticed that online, people seemed to have forgotten romance and
being best buddies. Whats wrong with being friends first?
See if he really listens to you.
VAPurr | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 10/8/2008 3:28:17 PM | Sorry, I don't date friends.
If I did, I wouldn't be here, for starters.
Also, most of my friends have dated my other friends.
I'm sorry but, eeeeeewwwwwwwww! I'm SO not going there!
My best friend was an FWB for a short period.
I'm SO not going THAT route again either! | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 7:24:18 AM | Before I found this thread I dated someone. It felt like we were going in the right direction. Yes I thought he was a decent man and I was sexually attracted as well.
He ended it, by sneaking into my apt and leaving a typed note on my keyboard, 3 days after Christmas, saying that the guys on POF forums "made him see that being friends was a bad sign - that he would not get the wanted long term forever relationship- with sex, ever. So I wonder why he was the one who refused for over a year to get STD testing. I mean hello? so I had to be the bad guy. I was direct and said I will not have sex with you until you get the STD testing done and it is all good.
He never went. He kept promising he would. He was frustrated and whiney and on our last "romantic encounter" he assumed it was okay to just "slip it in". Although I wanted to go forward I had to say NO. It is my responsibilty to keep my body healthy.
I think he has some deeper issues.
My 1st point being: Although all of us have our own experiences, opinions, and stories it can be damaging to hear people to be so derogitory, and stereotype a whole gender when in fact our beliefs and experiences are individual. I see so many "ABSOLUTES" here (it's black, no, it's white), but I see the gray areas. I hope the readers here who are vulnerable to suggestions/follow the leader kids are looked out for here.
The main reason is I am writing on this thread is: when I changed some of my profile a couple weeks ago, before I saw this thread, I wrote and posted this:
==========
Reasons being friends first is important:
• For me, being friends first before leaping into becoming a “couple” EQUALS =
=FIRM FOUNDATION
=FUN
=FAMILIARITY
=FORGIVENESS
=FAIRNESS
• I believe you have to be a friend first for the relationship to last.
A FIRM FOUNDATION will keep you both on solid ground -especially when the relationship is on shakey ground.
When you have had FUN times together, both in the house and out - is gives each person something to anticipate and be excited about – which means MORE FUN!
.
Spending more time together can help each individual become that much more FAMILIAR with each other's: attitudes about the aspects of life, society, political view points, religious beliefs, music/art/creative likes and dislikes. Being friends also gives you a window into that person: self-talk, family dynamics, as well as those "relationship rules" we carrying around with us.
If relationships make it to this point then FORGIVENESS when the "other" makes a mistake, comes about a little more naturally.
.
Which hopefully will help both to be FAIR when they become intensely emotional. All together these components, as tools to start the relationship, can keep the relationship fresh and strong.
=================
Otherwise, when you are asleep, do not be surprised if your date is looking on POF for an answer to some questions that (s)he doesn't dare talk to you - the "non-friend-sex partner" about. A question that if asked to the boy/girlfriend directly, you could get the "real" live answer, think for yourself, and skip over the forum pro/con dance everytime you are distrustful.
Good friends trust each other---
So if you choose to do so remember the 5 F's ==
FIRM FOUNDATION,
FUN
FAMILIARITY
FORGIVENESS
FAIRNESS
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 7:41:46 AM | | My view is the same as yours, I'm a lady too, and I would want a mutual loving relationship, not just sex! I guess some men can be happy with just the sex? | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 8:50:45 AM | There is one simple answer to this question.
We, men, are creatures of actions. We are doers, hunters and providers.
Whoever read that book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, knows that men and women think very differently.
Men like to have a certitude, and not be kept fumbling. If things are being done too hard on them, they become depressed and withdrawn.
I do not say that man and woman cannot be friends. I have many female friends, but this is all they are, because I know that for one reason or another, they are unavailable to me, and that it is for this moment.
I cannot be just friends with a female single and looking for whom I have some attraction, because it is a conflict of interest there. Since the intention is getting to date her, the friendship goes out the window.
You may name it whatever you want, without attraction and a romantic interest there, there is no even friendship there. I met women declaring that they want to be friends only to see them disappear sooner or later.
You might want to go slow with someone, but do not kid yourself that you are just friends with that person... | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 9:48:42 AM | Why can't women reply to messages?
Why is the sky blue?
It's realtive...
I've much can be friends but if I've asked out a woman and been rejected and there comes a time later when she wants to become more than just friends. I reminder her I gave you a shot and I prefer to be friends only now... Talking about attitude watch how quckily she doesn't want to be your friend then or have anything to do with you any longer... | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 9:54:25 AM | This thread tells me there are men out there with a bit of "soul" and common sense. Hurray.
BTW
To all you guys who think waiting for sex ruins your chances - I have to disagree.
If I friend zone a man it's not because we left it too late to have sex. It's because sex was never on the cards, ever. No I don't string guys along for free dinners either.
You can make it obvious you are attracted to someone without jumping straight in the sack though. You can build tension. That's fun.
I can't remember who posted this but a guy said earlier that men want to rush sex so that there's a bond before she finds out your less attractive traits. Ha ha. Too true. Once you have great sex with someone it does sway our judgment and I have definitely noticed guys put on their best behavior until they have bedded women - who hasn't. Girls do it too of course.
I hate that, when you think you like a guy as well as have the hots for him but then you sleep with him, then he starts showing you what kind of nit wit person he really is because he thinks he "has" you and then you go off him. It's worse when the sex is great but then it falls flat because his front comes down and even the sex is yuck now. So disappointing. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 10:21:03 AM | 
Women crack me up
Men can't be friends first because after years of being dumped with the line, "I just want to be friends," we're conditioned to believe she doesn't want us when she says this.
So when women say this, it makes men think, "she's not interested."
This is your gender's doing. Perhaps if women dumped men using the truth, this little BS would not happen. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 12:49:54 PM | I never assumed a guy was gay because he only wanted to be friends. Men don't realize that I have alot more respect for them, when they respect me as a human being, not just another woman he got in the sack.
I know a man who does not date, is 46 yrs old, never married. He just does what mum says and mum says "no woman touches her boy". I do not make a cruel assumption, although I swear he's gotta still be a virgin. We're good friends, but he will not even look at me in shorts or a dress. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 1:52:36 PM | | ^I could be mistaken, but would you want him to look at you in shorts or a dress? Just the way it sounds like there's a hint of dissapointment there. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 2:15:33 PM | | In reference to "men" on "POF" here's my answer. Just like women on this site, most men are seeking a little more than a friendship. To achieve your goal in fulfilling a platonic friendship first, I'd suggest refining you filters to weed out the potential nocturnal-booty- callers, AND clearly state on your profile, "Seeking a totally platonic friendship FIRST - otherwise, keep steeping!" | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 5:43:12 PM | First, refraining from or not wanting to play the "Friends First" game, does not imply in -any- way that he (or she) wants sex in the first phase of knowing one another. "Friends First" means just-friends-at-first. Being just friends to avoid sex is like covering yourself in water and baking soda to prevent yourself from being caught on fire when you leave your house. In other words, it's too much and very unnecessary (and shows one's gotten burned before!).
1) If you're really interested in a guy, you don't want to be truly friends first (platonic or even close to platonic at first).
2) If you like a guy, you want to at least be more than friends in the beginning
3) Many guys don't like it because it is BS, if it's a planned situation of meeting one-on-one.
If after meeting a guy, it's "friends first", that means she's not that interested in him (but could be later on, maybe). Guys don't like that, and girls wouldn't like that.
If you're friends first, that means you're just friends before you'll consider yourself more than friends. That means she's going to be exploring other options, specifically, and at the same time, be only friends with you. WTF?
Thankfully, many women don't really mean it that way, and just mean taking it slow. Unforunately, some do mean exactly what the phase says, and many like the confusion because they'll switch "what they're looking for" or the route they want when meeting a guy, by what they feel on the fly. Confusion! | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 1/31/2009 8:39:23 PM | When I said "Friends first" it appears both genders have defined what that word "friends" on a completely emotional experience scale.
I want to do things together that are fun and helps me to see how this guy I am attracted to has more than just sex in mind. So in other words - I want to get to know different sides of you, things that you lovc, or how you hold yourself in public.
I want to have fun w/o the pressure of the sex card being played too quickly o change. I want to get to know you/the guy and feel safe , and time to listen to my intuiton. See if you respect both physical and emotional boundaries; to see us do a varity of things together.
Sorry for any poor grammar, sp, etc... I fell alseep a second ago... and aSleep well everyone  | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 2/1/2009 12:58:56 AM | ^^^^^
it appears both genders have defined what that word "friends" on a completely emotional experience scale.
No, it's not a gender thing. It's what the word means and the context. Girls will use it to mean something new and different -sometimes-, yes.
I want to get to know different sides of you, things that you lovc, or how you hold yourself in public.
Does that require being JUST FRIENDS? People do that if they're not bent out of shape and trying the "Friends First" game anyway, right?
want to have fun w/o the pressure of the sex card being played too quickly o change
You're just explaining WHY you use the phrase. We all understand. However, read the words. No sense in that. Just say "I want to take it slow" or "I don't hop into bed". No need to confuse someone and say they're just your friend at first by saying "Friends First", then having to back pedal and explain what ya mean by that to him if/when confusion causes questions, etc. | |
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| Why Can't Men Be Friends First??
Posted: 2/1/2009 6:55:17 AM | On a dating site looking for friends??? To have a friend you have to be a friend.
What are rotary clubs, churches for?? Find me interesting?? No thanks. Have shelf full of interesting stuff!
Into me! Yes! Do I want into me and friend in same package, Yes! Where was the question?
Want to get to know me? Not a problem, in fact if I want to get to know you it is very likely I will encourage it.
Problem is; Partner or Friend??
I will not waste your time if I think of you as a possible friend, have some not what I seek. Always room for more friends? Wonder about that statement.
May happen that is where it stays not an issue. A relationship partners so much more yet still has to encompase friend. So it may come to pass that it does not work for both.
Other possible is finding someone who you can talk with but so far in so many ways that accepting as friend does not become an issue.
Find want chemistry, that kinda suggests things are up a notch over friend. Then sex, not a four letter word but taboo. Yet here is where things get screwed up. You want a friend and then if all is reasonably acceptable more. Wow does that ever sound like a strong chemical reaction.
Chemistry suggests some kind of reaction, you know butterflies, weak knees, loss of spatial awareness other than that georgeous person. (kick me for spalling). So being lucky enough to finally find that. Lets be friends and get to know what each other is like. You know what. Those annoying little traits that you see should be endearing little habits your whatever has. | |
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