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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/23/2008 1:32:30 AM | What is it with these women
u can see hes a loser yet u still hang around. ill bet he beats u too.
and then theres all these decent guys out there who dont do that and u dont wanna know them. i just think some women get off on being treated like shit | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/23/2008 1:46:07 AM | he hasnt phoned AA in two yrs??? then i doubt he ever will,and to be scared??? scared of what-keeping a wonderful woman and showing how much he thinks of you by going to AA,scared of getting back to normality and extending his life and liver etc if he quits now,scared of getting his self respect back??? i dont know if i could stay,your still a punch bag with this man but psychologically | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/29/2008 4:47:14 PM | I think maybe I was a little hard on myself about calling myself an alch. It's my weakness , that and pretty small women but I don't want to go without the women. I go to work EVERY work day, I work harder than most, I don't hit women children or animals or allow it around me , I am not abusive. This site sure has a lot of tough love experts on it. Well that sound's like their alcohol to me, they have this need to be tough guy, to flex up and bow out at people who aren't like them or that have a weakness that they cannot accept because it is not their weakness. It is probably best to leave an abusive constant drunk, and I am truly sorry that you lived with and through this no one should have to. I submit that there are probably millions of folks who qualify as alch's weather they think that they are or not, those who go through life with no real conflicts . I don't see budweiser in financial trouble. I know I have a weakness and have found how to control it for the most part. Trying to stay away doesn't seem like the right approach to me because then you worry about the slip.
I'm sorry for the people who die because of drunk drives, I'm also sorry for the ones who die because someone was paying too much attention to their cell phone or their misbehaving kids in the car, or the person who had a heart attack while driving, but I don't hear the same anger as you hear about the drunk driver. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/29/2008 7:17:35 PM | So..he's great, part of the time
He loves you...part of the time
He would do anything for you...part of the time
Is that good enough?
You have to break it down to the bare bone.
All the fun/love whatever you feel does not overshadow it otherwise you wouldn't be on here. Its not ok.
You have to get away, and STAY away. He knows you'll come back, why would he change? He knows you're not going anywhere. So..go somewhere. And go somewhere without talking or checking up on him. Move on. You have to get over the hump of "missing" him....and then you'll be fine. From the sounds of it, you haven't been able to do that yet.
Find someone who will love you and treat you with respect 100% of the time. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:01:54 AM | | I've had an alcohol problem all my life I'm now 45 and recently came to realize that even only a couple of beers pretty much kills my erection and when it's a choice between sex when available or drinking I don't need to drink anymore | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:16:09 AM | | RUN and dont look back!!!!!!!! That kinda life is for those who dont wish to fully live life! You need to find yourself again. Good luck REMEMBER>DONT LOOK BACK! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:28:14 AM | most of the responses you're getting on here are pretty kneejerk....+you're right,people are putting their 'own stuff' into their replies...
I'd say don't be panicked into anything...this guy,who you obviously love,has a major illness that is 3fold physical,mental and spiritual..his remorse is real alright,but his alcoholism has only a short memory... addiction plays havoc with behaviour+'doing the right thing' is nearly impossible....try as he might.
Right now he is no more responsible than anyone else with an affliction...except his recovery will only begin when he becomes aware fully of the extent of his illness+this will only happen when he actually stops drinking(the fog needs time to clear)
....BUT THIS DOES HAPPEN.... there are 1000's of men+women no longer drinking(yes I'm one)+leading pretty normal lives.
His reluctance at going to AA isn't uncommon(part of the illness)....I'd say it doesn't matter the hell the reasons INITIALLY for going to AA..if he says he wants to do it for you,let him..it's not dishonest,it's just letting him find out for himself....because once there,he will hear+learn that NO 1...he has to do it or himself...+he can stop any nonsense that his head will have been telling him for years about everything.
If AA is still too big of a step,there are good treatment centres that push the 1st few steps of AA in a medical/educational kind of way...I'd recommend this type.
You could check out AL ANON for yourself...+get good hard information about the illness of alcoholism,+also make some friendships with other women who will know where you're coming from...check out also ABOUT.COM...there's a ton of info on there+elsewhere on the internet..
Hope you're ok+as i said...don't panic eh?
A bit of patience+a calm mind...hopefully your guy will find the help he badly needs+you start to see a future together...it'll be a case of 'tough love' from you+I won't say it won't be a struggle for you...but good luck+god bless you both. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:31:41 AM | | well i can say one thing , as a recoving alcolholic , being sober almost 12 years now , if he really want to quit , you must quit enabling him. most love one are the one that help and alcoholic to drink. one thing is you can't scare and alcoholic , and as long as you keep going back he won't quit . have you try going to alnon. it is a group that helps love one deal with the alcoholic. i'm sure he does love you and wishes any thing that he could just quit, but it isn't that easy , has he ever went to a rehab. you can tell him ,if he go to AA , we are a group thats been through it and can help him sober up, but he must be willing to get the help AA deals with the problems with alcohol , love one must make the person own up to his action, remember he is a very sick person and does need some help in dealing with this. i would say in his mind , that you keep forgiving him and go back , can justify his drinking. if you want to truly help don't point any finger at him .let him know until he get help you are going to back off and leave , no one should have to live life this way . good luck to you | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:44:24 AM | | oh yeah+you don't 'get off' pointing the finger eh?...bet you think you're one of the decent guys...you ever heard of 'live+let live? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:57:33 AM | best you ignore his remarks about al anon being a twisted programme...like everything,you must try it yourself+make your own mind up...
the over zealous get themselves into most organisations+could be this persons experience is based on such an encounter....
there are plenty of level headed people in AA+al anon....stick with them. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:16:08 AM | | you should yourself attend an alanon meeting, not sure if that is correct spelling, there are meetings for families/friends of addicts, i know someone who went and it helped them. look into this, go, ask many questions..good luck | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:03:03 AM | | Hello I'm Gary and I'm an Alcoholic! I have now been sober for nearly 25 years. I know the dilema you have from experience of being the offending party. I lost everything through my Alcoholism. A business, two houses, a marriage etc etc. The problem you face is that the guy you speak about will not stop drinking etc till he reaches his "Rock Bottom" Only then will he look for Recovery. I would sujest you contact Alanon which is a sister organization of AA. They could help you to handle the situation you are in. I hope and pray that he will find his way to Recovery. He has nothing to fear from AA we would welcome him with open arms. The only requirement for membership of AA is a desire to stop drinking. I do hope this message will be of some help to you. Gary. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:03:19 PM | I just gotta say it --- I have read some of THE most ignorant replies through out this thread....Just a couple --- "Sociopath? Will power? (alcoholics) don't wish to fully live life?" Gimme a break! Alcoholism is a DISEASE, so sayeth the AMA, ( it meets the 5pt criteria). Would you call someone with cancer, diabetes or high blood pressure (for example) a sociopath? Would you tell them to use willpower to get over it?! Alcoholics are not bad people, they are people with an illness! And those with the capacity to recover WILL recover and live life to the fullest!
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt ". -- George Eliot
Just my 2 cents!
Hey Gary, congrats on 25 yrs, you are a miracle.
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:34:07 PM | It can be a long , long (sigh) long, painful journey!
It can get worse when children come into the picture.
I won"t tell you to leave him or stay with him...that is for you to decide.
You can"t "fix" anyone, love or no love. That is Their Work!
It's Not You and Him. It,s You, Him AND the bottle as the Mistress...
Go To Al-Anon Please! Please! For You!  | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:35:04 PM | Please think about this carefully----I lived with an alcoholic for the past 20 years. Recently, I left him and we are in the process of a divorce. Are the feelings of love still there--I wouldn't call them love because the booze destroyed that, but there are still feelings---but could I ever go back to living with Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde---NO!
I know the rollercoaster ride you are on---it goes up and it is good and he is that charming, caring, wonderful man. And then something happens--who knows what---and the rollercoaster goes crashing down. The ride isn't fun. My ex never raised a hand to me. But the verbal abuse was subtle---I still felt terrible---I still walked on eggshells trying not to get him angry---and I still didn't like the a$$h0le that he was when he was drinking.
He would quit for a while and things would be good----the problem was that each time the lows got lower and the highs weren't nearly as high, and there were shorter and shorter times between the lows and the lows lasted for longer and longer times.
I would give him ultimatums--his family or the booze--he would choose the family for a little while, but then start "sneaking" a beer. Then saying--"It's only one beer" and it always leads back to that roller coaster ride.
My advice is that when you decide you have had enough you need to leave. Unless he really, truly wants to stop--for himself--it won't happen. He cannot stop just to please you. I was always told that "once he hits bottom--he'll quit" Well, my ex has hit bottom several times and was only sober for a few months at a time.
Here's the kicker-----if he were to stop drinking (and I mean really and truly with not even a thought of booze ever in his mind)--I still could not go back to him because I would always------ALWAYS----be listening for that sound........the sound of a beer opening in the middle of the night. I cannot trust him to stop, because he made promises so many times--to please me. I do believe that he does love me, but that he cannot stop drinking by himself and so he won't. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:00:41 PM |
But who is really worse - you or him? I'd pick you because you're the enabler. You're the person who gives this guy his power by believing his line of sh*t. As long as he can convince you to stay in this sordid affair, he'll continue his horrible behavior. Of course, he'll likely continue it without you, but at least, you'll be free of him. And why do you stay? The abuser quickly spots his victim when picking a woman for a relationship. These are often women who don't see themselves as having much worth or value. I suppose the buzz word is self esteem. But there is more. Many women are used to dominating and controlling men likely having a father or numerous BF's like this with drinking problems. They feel comfortable only with men who'll tell them what to do or unwilling to run their own lives. Women with weaker personalities in theraputic situations often take years to change their behavior to get out of bad situations. The stronger ones or the few fortunate ones walk away and don't look back.
I'm sorry, so very sorry, that you wife was killed by a drunk driver.
That being said, if you've never loved/lived with an alcoholic you have no clue what you are talking about.
I've been told by several people---not just friends---that I am one of the most confident, self assured, strong women they have ever met.
My husband was the first and only alcoholic relationship I ever had. There is no history of alcoholism in my family. I was not, nor have I ever been, the pathetic person you have described---and I am not the exception to the rule.
How dare you say that every person who loves/lives with an alcoholic is an enabler. For me, personally, you are just a bitter, little man, who cannot even spell. I NEVER bought booze for him, bailed him out of jail, paid his fines, called into work, or any other enabling thing. I made it almost impossible for him to buy booze and yet, he still did it. Excuse me for providing (with very little financial help) a home for my family and putting food on the table.
For everyone else--sorry for the rant.
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:26:53 AM | First of all alcoholics or drug addicts will not change for kids, family, or anything else; only for themselves.
You are part of the problem; classic enabler. You are loving him to death; literally.
He's scared to death to go to AA because they will make him stop drinking. He's afraid to stop drinking.
you need to give him an ultimatum because you are addicted to him really. You need to say if you dont try to get help today. not tomorrow or next week. Today. They I'm gone. I wont give you shelter, money, support, I'm done.
What you are doing is FOR YOU; not for him. You want to make sure he's safe and supported and you are enabling him. He has no reason to change. When he has no other support or options, he might change. You also have to accept that he may never change. But what you are doing now is destruction. Your not helping just making the problem worse. He has no reason to change until he has hit bottom and has no one and has no where else to go. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:01:31 PM | | I am dating an alcoholic who has been coming and going through the AA program so he is not new in AA...myself I don't have any addiction to alcohol but decided to choose the sober path n I have mulipe yrs of sobriety and I am a friend of AA...I have told him I can read books on AA or NA or how people are when they use to drink and how they are handling their sobriety but I have told him I don't want to read all that ..I just want to read him because he has told me that no one knows how he felt or gone through which I saw as a gd arguement....I have never dated anyone from AA ...I am taking my chances and to see where things will go...I have thought about about leaving when he relapsed twice but I chose to stay b/c I want to and we have been going through rough obstacles together...all I can say is I have been relying on my own instincts...yes he does love me n etc but it doesn't mean its okay to relaps...he knows I have chosen sobriety as my way of life ...its a great challenge ic but life without challenges can be boring n nothing is perfect in this life.... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:34:32 AM | walk out girl!!! been there than that!!! reading all this is like reading my own story. There is a long way before it get better if it ever will. I dated my ex for 2 years, he promised to go to AA which to his credit he did only to stop at the pub on his way home. I can asure you that there is alot more about him that you know. He probably lies just about everything, it's like they live a double life, the life that you dont know kills you once you find it out. It's a very long and hard road ahead if you stick around. Alcoholism is very selfish, once they are drunk is all about them and when they are trying to get better is about them as well. I could go on forever, but the botton line is that is not worth it. Let him go, He has to deal with his issues on his own. I did, it kill me and it's taken me a year but slowly one day a the time got over it and now am here looking for someone new. It's painful but it will end, if you stay it'll be for the rest of your life.
wish you all the best!! | |
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Dpin
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Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 246 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:53:38 AM | | Well said. I dated a recovering Alcoholic when he was in his second year of sobriety. It was an eye opener. i learned so much about the disease and the process..and it is a process. He is trul;y dedicated to his sobriety for the first time in 18 years-I was not with him when he drank, didn't even know him. Unfortunately we are not together anymore. As a lay person I was ignorant as to what a huge process this is: It's not just, stop drinking and attend AA. There are emotional issues that have largely been repressed or dealt with by drinking, etc...that the person now has to learn to deal with without using alcohol. What was difficult was, perhaps things would have been different if we met later in his sobriety. He told me that he was learning that Year 2 was often more difficult than the first year. As he explained it, the crisis was now over, he had stopped using. Now it was piecing his life back together, and learning how to live, feel again(most emotional states are haulted at the age one starts using-so its like i was dating someone with the emotional maturity of a 19 year old). We got caught up, got involved quickly, talked of love and then literally , one day it was a complete turn around: He wasn't sure of anything, including me. It was devastating to me. He really tried to do the stand up thing, but I still got hurt. I can't fault him for where he is on his road to recovery, I just have to wonder if i met another recovering alcoholic would length of sobriety be a factor? I don't want to be judgemental, I've got my demons, but I ask is it realisitc to proceed with caution in a relationship with a newly recovering alcoholic? Any advice? Congrats on your years of sobriety....Keep strong. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:01:02 AM | I can not say I can help,
BUT the drink took a very close friend of mine, she was only 45. and a alcoholic,
she was doing well, I was coaching her at the gym, then she slipped off the waggon
next thing I know she died,
at 45
If he is going that way he needs help before it kills him
or you need to walk away before he drags you down with him | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:26:25 AM | Somebody in one of my AA groups once said 'alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages'.
The first thing to do is go to Alanon, you will find it very helpful. There is NO future with an alcoholic/addict. There will always be a hole in the relationship. There will always be some dishonesty. There will always be an elephant in the living room. An addict may love you but that is not the point when it comes to addiction. I love my children with all my heart but I still drank knowing (intellectually) that it was hurting them.
You have also stated that you would leave him 'if you thought it was best for him'. Leave him because it is best for YOU. He has to deal w/ his own life. His well-being is not in your hands, in ANY way, as long as he is an active alcoholic.
Part of hitting bottom, for him, might be losing you. But you can't leave him for that reason, if you really want him to be well; leave for your own health, and let him take care of his own. If he really wants to quit drinking he will take that first step---rehab, AA---for his own reasons.
And don't worry about 'finding someone else' etc that is way down the road. You need, as a codependant person,to get well yourself. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 10/11/2008 6:49:41 PM | | He is a liar. Alcoholics lie. That's what they do. He will lie to you because he is selfish. Alcoholics are selfish. You say he has gone so far as to call AA? I "dated" someone off this site who went to AA on a friday and showed up drunk at my house on that Saturday. I staged 2 interventions for him. I gave him blood, sweat and tears. He also told me he loved me, until he sobered up and took it back. I won't let this man ruin my life, but I think of him and the damage he's done every single day. I saw that movie today "Pay it Forward". Maybe you know which I mean, otherwise, google it. Someone recently did something amazing for me and I vowed to pay it forward. Here I am doing so, for you; here and now: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER, YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS, YOUR USER NAME ON THIS SITE AND NEVER ANSWER YOUR DOOR TO HIM. He is not Jekyl and Hyde. He is diseased. Please. I've had stitches and lost 2 jobs because of "my love". If I didn't help myself, I would have died. Call his family and friends, tell them what you know and then never speak of him again. I realize in posting this, I am tainting my own reputation with any future love. So be it. The man of my dreams will realize I've been through hell and back and emerged the person I always was: a kind, forgiving, loving soul who won't let a diseased person ruin the past 36 years of my life. The man of my dreams will be proud of me and not let my experience scare him. When you were a little girl who did you imagine would be your prince? An alcoholic? You are suffering from co-dependence. Think back to the time before you met him. Were you happy? You drink with him, don't you? Alcohol will change your mindset and confuse you more. This is abuse. If he abused you, physically, would you stay? His emotional abuse is the same. It's time to say "Enough" and take back your life. If this man ever sobers up for good (which, sadly, is mostly impossible), he will remember you. Let that be enough to guide your through the rest of your days. And know that if you also emerge alive and joyful once again, you may save another woman with your own story. God Bless you. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/23/2008 12:51:06 PM | Top Ten Reasons why Beer is Better than Women:
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. | |
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