| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:26:27 AM | doooooo get back to me i have had experience of that okkkkk i feel the main thing is to detach but of coarse that is easier said than done,i do also feel you seriously do need to chat to someone who has been in your position and survived it ok send a mail to me and ill see iff i can help okkkk | |
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| dateing an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:30:58 AM | I cannot believe you stereotype like that,my father is irish and he is a non drinker,my immediate family dontttttttt drink,well i aint gonna go into long winded defence but what a shallow posting  certainly dont agree with trvlinman posting | |
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| dateing an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 8:13:41 AM | I was married to an alcoholic for ten years and after he walked out on me.............I blamed myself for years. Alcoholics have a way of blaming you for everything that goes wrong in their lives and after living with one for awhile, your behavior imitates that of an addict, except that your addiction becomes them as the substance. You know that it's not good for you, but you keep going back expecting a different outcome. The only outcome is that you sink further and further. Recovery means total abstinance.
It is extremely difficult to resist the urge to want to help but the only thing that derives from your helping is that you wind up hurting yourself repeatedly and they continue to use booze as the only way they know how to cope.
I congratulate all the recovering users who responded and think it is so wonderful that you found a way to stay sober and learned to cope. God bless you in your sobriety.
I think those of us who stayed with the user need the support of each other because we all know that the one we love or loved would wind up killing us inside. | |
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| dateing an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 11:47:22 AM | I have never met an irishman or woman that doesnt drink.
mabey they exist.
not in my family though | |
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| dateing an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 2:59:20 PM | | well maybe you have never visited ireland,but thats not the issue the issue here is a person just like yourself suffering emotionally at the hands of alcoholism,i my self have experienced from both angles and it wasnt with an irish man,i come from a none drinking irish family,i dont want to plaster any of my emotional issues over this forum,i am wishing to give a bit of my personnel experience to the writer of the forum ,its just that my buttons were pressed at the 1st message you sent trvlingman,we all deal with experiences differintly and i would like to pass on my experiences to the writer and hope that it will give her a little guidance,coming from my experiences ,and the healing process until now,to give a bit of hope that to detach with support will free you to move forward healthly and happily .which benifits you and the drinking alcoholic. take care | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:06:04 PM | Not to make light of a serious conversation but, I would have left him just for the fact that his mother does his laundry for him.
Glad to know you realize it's YOUR life and it's not worth living a crappy one. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:19:19 PM | Check the Internet for MELANIE BEATTIE's works.
Perhaps, a support group might also help.
The mastery of Alcoholism: In simple terms, "The consequences for remaining sober must be more rewarding than those for NOT being so."
Much luck and success in your fight. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:33:40 PM | | This thread brings back very painful memories. Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic will hurt you more than you can even realize while you are still in it. I tried so hard to help, I tried to make things work. In return I got statements like "I know I'm an alcoholic and I like it that way!" You can not fix someone else's life. The relationship I was in got so bad, I felt suicidal. I shared this information with the alcoholic and stated that I was getting help so I could get better. They were not concerned that I was experiencing life-threatening depression, they were much more worried that I would reveal "their" secrets to a counselor. It's been years, I feel better now. But I would strongly urge you to get out of this relationship and concentrate on getting your life back on track. Nobody deserves to play second fiddle to substance abuse. | |
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bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 34 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:46:45 PM | I have read each comment that you all have written. I cannot thank you enough, expecially those in recovery. I have spoken to many people but no one that has 'his' perspective, those of the addict. Many statements have hit home to me. I realize now that to stay with him would be to destroy us both. I can't do that.
I will do my best to stay away from him. To go to an Alanon meeting and to understand that I am my own saviour not his.
Thank you all!! This has been more helpful than any of you could ever know....
bns | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 4:19:24 PM | Dear bns. I sure am glad if you just go to Al-Anon and seek more info. That's the 1st step forward. Do purchase books by Melanie Beattie.
You are not going to find some-one with an active addiction just posting on here. They seem to need the security of those of like minds about them. That is why the AA like societies work. Because we are not alone, but in company of many like us. It is a WE program and it helps to relate to others with a like problem.
The AA program for Alkies like me are not just about not drinking either. It is a 12 step program on how to live your life. Many of us never learned the proper skills from the beginning of our lives for many various reasons. It is actually a 'Life's Skills' learning course. Once you learn the tools, your in control for the very first time in your life. That makes you free.
Dear trvling man......I am decended in many books from the original King of Ireland. We do have some drunks in our family. But many social drinkers and abstainers as well. The theory is that it is an hereditary illness. That is up for specualtion. The debate goes on. No one ethnic background owns that. Irish does not = Drunk. The idea that it is an illness is even debatable in some circles. The medical profession has accepted it. Some of the general population has not. So I think that is why some don't appreciate being painted with the same brush.
bns.......I wish you luck......contact me anytime......
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bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 36 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 5:34:02 PM | Thank you so much Ruby Lips! I also wish you the best of luck in your search!
I will be fine. I am very angry right now and I think I will use that ;)
I will most certainly keep you in mind should I need wise councel!
Thanks again!
And for the record trvling man...this alkie is Dutch | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/6/2005 8:24:19 AM | bns~ Actions speak louder then words...........
If "HE" wanted to quit he would get himself to AA..
But listen chemistry is the whole person. If you judge the whole person by their looks, then I must say you have issues on a personal level and are perhapes insecure in yourself if you judge like that.
Alcohol and drug abuse are extremely hard for someone to kick.
You need to look at yourself.
Why are you truly with this man.
How does it make you feel when he goes Dr. Jekly on you
Why are you putting yourself through this?
Staying with him is in a way enabling him...
You could join Alanon.... (not sure if I spelt that correctly)
Why do women stay in physically abusive relationships or mentally abused relationship?
I know it will hurt like hell.. but you need to figure out how to leave this man. If he gets his shit together and can PROVE it to you.... then and only then should you think of going back to him. You need to do it for YOURSELF... not for him... you need to take care of you. You can't control him or fix him. He is who he is. He is the only one that can fix himself.
I dated a sweetheart that had a drinking problem
He would justify it by saying... at least I'm a sweet drunk..
But he would flake out on me all the time.. make plans.. and be too drunk to do them.
That doesn't work.... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/6/2005 9:03:02 AM | bns, this is a sad read.
stop trying.
Do it, or don't.
go to alanon - works good for anyone addicted to the substance addicted.
aloha. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/14/2005 10:44:32 PM | alanon could make you worse than better.
the blind leading the blind when the first blind
doesnt even have eyesockets does not produce
mental health...
it is a twisted program.... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 10:02:51 AM | its so easy for someone to just say run , get out, go etc...
which is truly the best advice, but when you are in it, not so easy. my dad is an alchy and every guy ive ever had relationship w/was too. i was w/one guy for over 10 yrs dealin w/his crap. 1st you feel sorry for them, want to help them,,,they know this and they use you for it, over and over and over til theres nothing left of you. but we are responsible for our own lives. i now could care less about this man and he is the father of my child, but i dont let him near her and she cant stand him either. he has hit rock bottom over and over and over still does not stay clean.
you stay w/this man you will end up hating him and yourself for years to come.
resenting him and living a bitter life.
no person is worth it.
and who knows, you leaving just mite make him wake up.
be tough, get a support system and keep talking to ppl. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 1:27:50 PM | | Why is a twisted program? Did you try it? I was seriously considering going..now you have me concerned. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 1:54:40 PM | | Been there, done that. For 5 years with my ex. Your best bet is to just break it off and let him know if he ever needs your support with his quitting, you'll be there to LISTEN, but not to take him back. Losing you just might scare him enough to consider AA for real this time. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 2:18:34 PM | Why is a twisted program? Did you try it? I was seriously considering going..now you have me concerned.
yeah...for 8 years. from day one something smelled fishy. took me 3 years to figure
it out. then spent another 5 years studying to see if i was right or wrong, and what it does to people. al anon was founded by an alcoholic. imagine that...the person who put you there in the first place. the 12 steps and their program have been adopted pretty much verbatim... problem is they were designed for the alkie...and not the alkies victim. so i have seen sick people get even sicker with its hypocracy...twisted "truths"...some super sick psychology...and its control freak nature. btw...aa has a 95% failure rate...thus
the blind leading the blind when the first blind has no eyesockets.
go with your gut...even if you dont understand it...its never wrong.... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 3:41:03 PM | | I would think al-anon might be worth a shot, although it did not work for me. It seems to help some. I did not like the emphasis on powerlessness, maybe it's just what they were working on when I went. Seemed to me like what I really needed was to connect with what power I DID have over my life. Once I was able to do that, I was able to make changes. I also tried a woman's support group for awhile and that helped some. I think there is a problem with support groups in general though and that is the belief that the people in the group are somehow flawed and will always need the group. If you challenge that belief, they say you are in denial about your need for the group. And it can be a challenge to the group norm of being flawed if you actually start to get better. That eliminates the support pretty quick like! Disclaimer: I have no qualifications in this field at all-just an opinion based on personal experience. Take it for what it is worth. Look everywhere you can for a solution, but do it with your eyes wide open and your BS detectors on. You can make it. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 5:35:25 PM | | Thanks, Hey POWER to the people. I like your point about choice. Once you see you have a choice, things get better! I wish that I would have understood that much sooner. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/15/2005 8:39:34 PM | You are going to have to make a decision to love yourself enough to take care of YOU now... He will take care of himself when he is ready and not one second sooner... and that may be never... that is the cold hard reality. You will never make him do it. Nothing, not your love, your relationship, children, parents, NOTHING, will take precedence over his addiction, until he chooses to get healed, and sometimes they just never do.
Be kind and fair to YOURSELF. look out for YOU.
You may love him, and you can want him to stop, but you cannot love him enough to make him stop... it just doesn't work that way. As painful as it is to walk away, it could never compare to how painful your life would be staying with someone like that.
You already know the answer, now take care of YOURSELF.
God bless. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 7:34:27 AM | | Love or no..you will have years to invest to help get to those meetings and try to find a solution. No guarantee it will even work. I would run like hell. | |
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daking
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Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 50 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/16/2005 6:38:12 PM | | Alcoholism is a disease folks!! and just like a person with cancer needs treatment, so does an alcoholic need treatment. It is sad to see so many people misinformed about this disease. I have lost friends to the terrrible disease. I truly hope that they will seek help to get that under control. There are many stories of success with Alcoholism and chemical dependency. Get the facts about the disease and understand what you can about it.It is a progressive fatal illness, that has no problem putting a person in his grave or jail. It does not descriminate against age, color, or creed. | |
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