| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:05:34 PM | o dear he needs help and like yesterday
met a man once would fight rather then to hand over his drink
and knew a few died just to drink
{pulls up a chair and looks u in the eyes}if he has got 2 the pt. of pukin- shut the bthrm up tight windows and all and when he wakes up and walks in their it'll sober him up lol
no seriously-i held in w/ one for 7 yrs. -what can't he live w/o more then the drink? | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:08:18 PM | no apology needed angel...youre not butting in...
interesting info you wrote...
however...the us is again behind. for years now, europe has an 85% success rate in treating alcoholism while aa has only a 5% success rate. europe does not suscribe to this disease garbage, but instead teaches how to control ones drinking, and not quit forever. results speak for themselves. i think the problem here is that most clinical treatment centers employ sober aa participants, thus there is no objectivity to be had.... | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:15:49 PM | What does he do when he's drunk? Does he hurt you?
Alcoholism can be beaten.
If he doesn't hurt you when he is drunk, and is such a geat guy when he is sober, maybe he is worth fighting for. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:34:36 PM | GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! It has been 2 years plus of your life that you will not get back so what are you waiting for? If he is too afraid to go to AA that is just another excuse to not do it. You are enabling him by continuing to put up with his behaviour and forgiving him. How much more are you willing to take, you are already on line getting advice from strangers so it sounds like you have had enough. Get a back bone and leave before you waste anymore of your life.
Best of Luck. | |
|
RonniG
|
Joined: 8/12/2004
Msg: 80 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:37:55 PM | I doesn't matter how much you love him. You can't cure him or change him. He is addicted to alcohol. The only thing you can do is seek help to understand why you suffer so much. Please seek assistance in an AA and/ or Alanon program. There are folks there that can help you help yourself.
My alcoholic ex called me after 5 yrs post divorce, when I begged him so long to seek help and quit drinking during 6yrs of marriage. He wanted to thank me and wondered why I didn't tell him sooner. DUH!
I'm fine now- I understand my motivations and will never put myself in that position again. I'm seriously NOT confused. I'm not alone, there are dozens of folks that have dealt with this and you can too! | |
|
RonniG
|
Joined: 8/12/2004
Msg: 81 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 9:57:29 PM | Hi Boise,
The disease is not the alcohol, the disease is how the alcoholic reacts to the alcohol, drug, addiction, whatever.
We can try to regulate, tax, restrict, label or whatever as long as we want. The problem is the addict and his or her relationship with the substance and the problems and hurt caused by that addictive relationship. If you look past the alcohol you might see the meth, cocaine, and other addictions that we might choose to wreak havoc in our lives. Stop being mad with AA. If another solution helps you stay clean and productive more power to you. Help is help wherever you find it. You just won't find it at the bottom of a bottle. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/18/2005 10:07:44 PM | | I lost my wife to the drink. Went to jail twice,to try to save her. Ask me anything | |
|
| |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/19/2005 10:25:10 PM | hello RonniG
The disease is not the alcohol, the disease is how the alcoholic reacts to the alcohol, drug, addiction, whatever. yeah...this is the standard aa propaganda..but still no cigar. how someone reacts to any substance including food is not a disease..but simply a reaction. an allergic reaction is not a disease. feeling sleepy after eating turkey is not a disease. and again...asking aa to substantiate this...they could not...thus they are fulla shit. they do not have any functional standards of credibility to go by...just their typical self serving twisted hymenism. btw...this subject has been argued before the u.s. supreme court..and in all instances, the supreme court has ruled that unlike an epeleptic (sp?)...alkies must be held accountable and responsible for their actions. thus, the states were give full liberality to determine the legal amount of this 'disease' one could have before being thrown in jail. in the last year of the clinton administration...the federal govt mandated thru unaminous approval of both the house and senate that states lower this limit to .08. thus...its the only 'disease' thats also legislated on a federal level.
anyone with any conscience would get mad if they were constantly lied to and deceived.
however...alkies being the inate liars and truth twisters that they are..cant figure this out. aa does no service doing this to those who want to recover by promoting that they cop out by claiming they have a disease, thus an excuse and lame justification for their dysfunctional behavior.
now maybe you have more insight into why aa has a 95% failure rate!! | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 8:42:10 AM | | you are so right i to am dateing a alcoholic but he is a vary loveing and careing person at times it seems he wonts to shut me out and other times hes not it can get pretty confuseing but im sure he gets confuessed to i know he loves me even with his dranking problem and i am so much in love with him i know i cant help him stop but i know i will always wont to be there for him because thats what being in love is all about i learned that some people with a dranking problem is not all that bad ive been with straght guys thats been more abuseive in my life so i fill that you cant go by if the have a dranking problem you sould just go by how they are to you and fallow your heart. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 10:04:54 AM | anybody can be abusive whether they are a substance abuser or not.
one does not have to be an alcoholic to exhibit sociopathic or psychotic
behavior. i run into em all the time. however this type of behavior is
more predominant and a text book characteristic of a substance abuser.
they are not all dopes...they are sharp. if they were not they couldnt suck
in people like they do to love them. however down the road...when your
confusion and chaos starts to really shred your guts...just remember this...
if an alcoholic cant con you...then they beat you down...
and it doesnt matter if drinking or sober...they possess a life sucking dysfunctional
mentality.
"i know i will always wont to be there for him because thats what being in love is all about "
ummm...not quite...this is what an abusive type of love may be all about, but definitely
not a healthy love. your love is not going to fix it...ever. it just continues to enable the process of them wrecking you...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritaully, sexually, and financially.
i humbly suggest you read some past threads of how many people have stated to
...stay away...run...dont get involved...etc. billions of people before you have learned this..the hard way. so learn from us who have been there, and not make the same mistake we have. but the bottom line is still...your choice..
i wish you the best... | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 10:30:10 AM | I was dating guy 15 months ago. I couldnt handle his drinking. Couldnt handle even being around him for that matter. I just had to get out of the relationship before my daughter was born. I dont look back. I couldnt bring up my daughter with someone that drinks all the while. He needs help and first he has to admit he does. You cant help someone that doesnt wanna help them self.
 | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 10:39:33 AM |
he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat
You now know what he really loves......alcohol
He is wonderful when he is sober....I just can't count on that.
If he isn't dependable, what qualities make him so good?
Is he sober more often than not?
I can't help but forgive him.
When you forgive him, you are enabling him. | |
|
feist
|
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 89 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 10:57:50 AM | I had to check and see who had writen this becasue for a fleeting moment i thought it might have been me. I am sure I am just one of the women who can relate to your story.
You know what you should do however you don't want to do what is best and this is where you are confused. If he is going to get better he needs to be selfish during his time of healing. He has to do it for him self, by him self... you can not fix him no matter how much you love him or stay by his side. He is scared to death of getting better, of admiting his problem and dealing with the under lying issues. By staying with him you are telling him that you accept the drinking- even if that is not your intention... This is my advise and you don't have to take it but it is what I think is best.
You need to leave him. It may sting to hear it but you must leave him. Does not mean that you can't go back to him but you have to set a sensible amount of time that he needs to be sober till you can trust that he is in it for the long run. This addiction is not you responsiblity... it has nothing to do with you other then the fact that you love a man who is an alcoholic.
If you choose to stay, you need to be very senstive about his recovering. You must go to meetings- even if before you start before he does.. do not make it easy for him to drink... do not clean up his mess, do not offer to go buy him booze, do not hang around him when he is drunk or drinking. This is his problem he has to take responsability for it. If he parites to hard and vomits and makes a big mess and then has a massive hang over the next morning.. he has to clean it up... you are not his mother you are his lover and his friend. Be open with him that when he cracks one open that you are not going to argue- just tell him.. you do not want to be around him when he is drinking and leave.. if you live with him then go to another room and read or do something. Just do not hang around with him. Make it clear that you are not willing to be around him when he is drinking. You must stay incontrol of your life.. do not allow him to choose the beer over you.
Keep your self estem in check... you do deserve better then a man with a drinking problem.. there are loads of men out there. If you are ment to be with this man, it will happen..do you really want to start a family with a man who has this problem? Do you want to bring kids up in a family with a man who has a drinking problem? Be honest with your self about what you want from life, a relationship and yourself..
I don't know if I have helped at all.. I feel for you- please message me if you want to share further my dear, my thoughts are with you. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 11:17:10 AM | You are all wasting your time giving the OP any advice. She knows in her heart what she's going to do.. and she knows in her head what she should do.
I was her... at one point. I was with an alcoholic for 2 years. I even had a beautiful baby girl out of it. We argued a lot, he cheated on me, he verbally abused me... he kicked out his daughter and myself when our daughter was only 6 months old.
The OP will come to her own final answer in the end. Whatever that answer will be will be up to her. It doesn't sound like she wants to leave.... Based on experience, you CANNOT help those who do not want to be helped.
Again... you are all wasting your time telling the OP what to do and why. They will in the end do what they se fit whether you agree or not. | |
|
| |
xpxpk
|
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 92 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 1:12:20 PM | | Diggy, the OP is asking for help and advice....not the judgment you are providing. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 7:16:02 PM | | christieth43, No amount of abuse is acceptable in a relationship. I am concerned that you state you have been with straight guys that have been more abusive, as if the abuse from the alcoholic OK because it is less severe. It is very hard, I think it's impossible but I might be wrong, to get your head on straight and get a good look at what is going on if you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse. I would encourage you to take some time away from this relationship at the very least. I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like you are setting yourself up to be controlled by this person. Trust me, you do not want to live like that. I hope that you can find someone that is qualified to help you through this: a friend, family member or professional counselor. I think that you can probably find support here on POF. So many of us have been through similar situations. We feel for you and wish you the best, but, as much as we might want to, we cannot be with you physically to offer support. Please, please, be careful and take care of yourself. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 7:22:09 PM | It sounds like you know what you need to do...move on and find someone else who's wonderful when they're sober and when they drink. If he chooses his beer over you, then you know what you need to do, hard as it may be to do it.
I dated someone who stopped drinking as they knew they had a problem (after getting arrested for their 2nd DWI); they went to AA and didn't have a problem being around others who drank socially. But, he still had a lot of issues and a lot of anger; he also could be very rude and obnoxious to people. I don't know if he was always that way or if it had something to do with his drinking and then stopping, but, while I gave him credit for staying sober, I couldn't deal with the obnoxiousness, especially when he did it to my family. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 9:21:10 PM | | An addiction is an addiction no matter what it is... Look at yourself closely... is this a familiar setting for you? Are you the type of person that needs to be needed? Chances are you've already said yes to both questions. Now you need to ask yourself "Do I want kids with this guy?" My 18 month old was with Dad in a trailer, and dad smokes.. Dad was so very very drunk he couldn't open the locked door when I got home from work. What would happen if his cigarette caught fire in the couch? It scared me so much that my baby may die from my selfishness, I made plans to move the next day. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/20/2005 9:26:53 PM | @redrocks
I applaud you-how brave to act so quickly. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/21/2005 1:43:54 PM | I've read a great many responses to this question and heard a lot of advice.......Now I guess I'll throw in my 2 cents......As a person being on both sides of this problem.Both as a child of an alcoholic parent.....and later in life finally giving in to my own alcoholism and finally seeking help.1st......to the woman who posted first........alcoholism is a very selfish disease.......it is also said that the drinking,drugging or what ever else a person may be doing that is effecting and affecting thier lives in a negative,is a symptom of a greater underlying problem....e.g. PTSD,abuse or perhaps depression{thier have been a great deal of studies linking the two}
Alcohol is a double edged sword....It can make us feel good,helps us to celebrate,it can take the "edge" off a really bad day or experience.But to some people...and it can happen at any age,time etc.it can show the other side of the blade.......where it can begin to "hook you " with its effects.....Just think of how you have your own little 'Comfort" things that you always fall back to when the s&&t hits the fan.......Other physical things to remember is that alcohol effects 100% of the body.....It is not just a mental weakness or addiction at that point.......As a matter of fact most alcoholics are trully sick of it......unfortunatly the physical aspect of it has them stuck.......The greatest mis-conception about drug an alcohol detox is that a person can die from drug detox.......FALSE.........You just feel like you want to die.....The alcoholic can DIE from detoxing.....that is why it can be so hard for a person to sober up....If they have gotten to the maintanence stage,.......Needing a couple through out the day,in order to feel physically "good" it becomes all the harder...
As far as being in love or living with the alcoholic who is "active" as other people have mentioned.....YOU are not going to change him,,,,,,they need to hit rock bottom or as some people put"get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired......."you need to protect yourself,if that means putting distance or getting out then you NEED to do that......you do not want to get sucked into his boat when it goes over the falls.If you choose to stay in the relationship all you can do is to get ready to help him back to his feet and show him the way to get help....As my godfather and aunt did for me some time ago.......BUT he must walk through that door......you can show it to him etc......But he needs to walk through it.....
I've heard a lot of people suggesting al-a-non etc......that may help you......but to get a better understanding and to perhaps help your self....I would greatly suggest going to actual AA meetings.......and listen......and if you feel comfortable,introduce yourself as a "supporter".You will gain a greater understanding and will probably meet other "supporters as well.In the end it can only be your choice.....you have seen into this mans heart and soul.......You alone know what you can handle and can't......It is a choice that you need to make with your self,the right education and if you are inclined in a religous or spiritual way......prayer or meditation.......
Be safe in your next 24,
Vallant | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/21/2005 1:58:46 PM | | He can not quit drinking for you, the kids, the job, or anything but himself. When he truly wants to quit-for himself-he will do so. As long as he keeps drinking it is because he wants to, and puts himself, and the booze, ahead of all else. The reason he is scared of A.A. is that it might work, and he might actually give up his beloved booze. Right now that is the last thing he wants to do. So, put up with him as he is, or dump him. If you need to, move to another state, or country, to get away from him...and don't contact him, or anyone who might contact him, until you are settled in your new life. He is addicted to booze, and you are addicted to him. The cure, for both addictions, is the same...Cold Turkey...total abstainance, and withdrawal. | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/21/2005 2:01:55 PM | | As having experience in this type of thing I will say that you should leave him. He suffers from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can however be arrested at some point when he is ready and then recovery is then possible. I know what you mean about the Dr. Jeckyl thing cause while he is drinking he is not himself. When he is sober he can be the nice guy you fell in love with. Think about it this way, he is taking a mind altering substance and that is the root of his behavour actions. He does not mean to do wrong things I am sure but he is messed up and needs help. AA is a great place to get this help because only an alcoholic can best understand and help another alcoholic becase they can relate personally. Nobody can explain how exactly it works but AA has a proven track record that if you really want to quit and get your life back it can be done. The whole key is that you have to want it and it will take time. Relapses can be a good thing if you don't die from it first because it sometimes inforces the persons desire to stay sober. I struggle with my addiction for 7yrs and the beginning was tough but I now have years of clean time under my belt and sure the hell don't miss the hang overs. Today I have no problem being around people that drink just as long as they don't expect or push me to drink. Today I am a better person for learning and dealing with my problem at a young age because unfortunately many don't realize they have a problem until they are over 40 and they lose everything. Its definatley harder to get back on your feet the longer you stay in your addiction and the older you get. There are many great people today that have gotten their lives together with the help of AA and never go back. On a happy note I say keep him if he gets help because recovery is possible. Have a wonderful day and good luck..... | |
|
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/21/2005 8:52:57 PM | 6) If you don't think other diseases are promoted with advertising you have never seen a Victorias secret commercial.
theres a saying that came out of the ol wild west days sometime in the early 1800s.
'never argue with a drunk or a fool'. great wisdom waaay before aa was formed.
this saying is still true today...simply because no one can ever tell an alcoholic what
to think or what to do...nobody. inspite of any fact, evidence, or truth...their way is the
way of the almighty..period.
the above victorias secret quote is a wonderful example of unmitigated stupidity, and twisted & warped thinking..not to mention the other illogical logic arguments presented in that post. also...one of the most hilarious examples ive ever come across. this acute dysfunctional thought process reaffirms why alkies are so unattractive to a functional thinking person...and for a woman...forget emotional availability.
yes you do indeed have a disease...but it isnt alcoholism...its hymenism.... | |
|
Home
login 
