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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:53:18 PM | daking...i saw a victorias secret commercial last nite while watching the
'apprentice'...
please tell me how this tv ad is a disease? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/24/2005 8:19:52 PM | | You need to think about who is most important in your life. That answer should always be YOU! Do you really feel like being the back burner is booze? You may love him but relationships take alot more than just love. And if you love him so much then it should be easy to tell him the truth. I dated an alcoholic for four years. We were married and had a baby and now that we are not together I am on cloud nine. It has nothing to do with other guys but it has everything to do with you. Do it for yourself and for your future. From the bottom of my heart I wish you the best of luck in your decisions and pray for your fears. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/24/2005 11:24:21 PM | You are in love with a man who is in love with his bottle.
They all are wonderful when they are sober, which is just a break for the drunk, until he gets more booze.
A lot of good that does you and him, when he puts in a call to AA and then acts like a big baby, because he says he's too scared. He's not scared to drink and make you miserable.
You have discribed an abusive drunk of a boyfriend.
When he chooses his beer over you in a heartbeat, does he make you feel like you are loved and special?
All abusive men have the same lines...they get all stupid and sucky and confess how bad they feel for being such a bast*rd. But it's just a lot of empty words, because they are not scared to repeat the same selfish and abusive behaviour, and that they do very well.
Go get some help for yourself and kick him to the curb.
Don't make is drinking your cause!
He's not going to change or grow up, if you are still in the picture, trying to save him.
It's his choice to get a back bone and go get the help he needs, but no one can do it for him. He has to do it alone and because he wants to, for real!
He's just paying you lip service, when he tells you what you want to hear.
Stop feeling so bad for him. He's not feeling or thinking of you when he does his Dr. Jekyl and Mr.Hyde, act on you. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 12:48:33 AM | I said it before, you are enabling him. You are giving him what he wants, when he wants it.
I know this sounds mean, but you will never come first............ move on. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:32:13 AM | An alcoholic is somebody who is drunk. Period.
I am not an alcoholic. To preface this.
The current definition is largely "When his life is unmanageable". If you call him at 3am and need help because your car is broken down and he just happens to be on a tiny binge on the blue moon and slightly drunk and can't drive - his life and your life are unmanageable. Getting drunk more than once every two years is being a binge drinker alcoholic.
The cure. The cure is to find a Higher Power, to find a god(s) as you understand them. The cure is to get out of your egomania and self and start living to do God's work, be it creating children, films, inventions, good things.
Can a concerned woman help an alcoholic? Never, except to tell him he's an alcoholic and needs to get to an AA meeting where he can sit down and hear other similar stories instead of sitting at a bar stool and blabbing his mouth off to nobody who cares.
Alcoholics Anonymous is not affiliated with any religion. It is free. You do not need a sponsor to join. You can walk right in. The only requirement is that you identify as an alcoholic and make up some name.
I myself am not an alcoholic. AA is relies on anonymity, hence the name.
I know of close friends for whom AA has worked miracles in their lives.
AA is a human program for a spiritual disease. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:34:12 AM | spritiual disease ?
was that a play on words as in spirits, liqour...? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:36:10 AM | Good point. Spirits, as in alcohol, is actually a misappropriation of the word, spirit, which has a longer historical "spiritual" connotation.
Yes Spirits is what heavy drinkers are after.
Many heavy drinking men are very egotistical and self-centered. What they lack is spiritual worship of things, an entity, above and beyond themselves.
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 7:28:13 AM | Ok, Woah Woah Woah....It's been a while since I've come back to this thread and a few things were said in the first 3 pages that were directed at some comments that I had made in regards to her situation.
Number 1
I would NEVER encourage anyone to stay in an abusive situation! That is NOT what I said. It is up to the individual to decide what he/she can no longer tolerate from their alcoholic partner.
Number 2
NO, the alcoholic does NOT LOVE booze...I have spent enough time around them in recovery settings to know this. They hate the booze but they are hopelessly addicted to it. This was NOT a moral choice on their part. At some point, the alcoholic has lost his/her ability to avoid the drink altogether. Herein lies the nature of this life/mind/spirit destroying addiction. It breaks down all will to stay away from it. The alcoholic lies to themselves (DENIAL)...which is the very nature of addiction! NO one EVER consciously chooses to become an alcoholic.
Number 3
Yes, in many ways, the al-anon member is just as sick as the alcoholic in that it is considered "insane" to expect the alcoholic without treatment to do something that a non-alcoholic would do. THEY ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. It would be like expecting a child to not get on your nerves from time to time. That is impossible. I was referring to the idea that many think that the AL_ANON is BETTER than the alcoholic. Bull...no one is better, the alcoholic is simply an addict who is behaving exactly as an addict would. It isn't a question of better or worse. Healthy people do their best to assists the alcoholic in coming to terms with their addiction but if they understood alcoholism fully, they would also know that no amount of effort on their part will make the alcoholic stop. That is the nature of alcoholism...it has to come from inside of them...no one else. To believe you can "change" the alcoholic is , in fact, an insane idea. Only the alcoholic can find his/her bottom.
Number 4
NO, Al-Anon is not supposed to EVER tell you to leave a relationship with an alcoholic. The idea of al-anon is to help the other partner to learn how to live apart from the addiction and to make healthy decisions around whether or not to remain with their alcoholic partner. It is meant as a forum to talk about the difficulties the addiction presents and how to safeguard yourself from the harmful effects of loving anyone who is alcoholic. It also helps them to understand the disease more fully and interestingly, how to look at their own "shyt" so to speak.
Number 5
The only thing that will create the will to quit is acknowledgement of the consequences of continued drinking, which can include poor health, loss of self worth, loss of career, and the destruction of important relationships. The world says "walk away and let the addict find their pit" for good reason. If the alcoholic decides to quit, he must do it on his own, and it is a decision based on the damage that he has created through drinking.
The VERY crux of alcoholism and its incidious denial mechanism is that the alcoholic CANNOT see this! That is exactly what Al-Anon and AA are for. To inform you that you can't expect the alcoholic to suddently say "Oh, goodness, I never realized what my addiction was actually doing harm to anyone!" Again, it's called "denial"...Until that alcoholic has a) a spiritual experience-an aha if you will b) the will to stop c) hit their bottom and last their last shread of will to get help or rehabilitation, they will not see the harm they have caused. It would be far too painful to acknowledge...they make excuses instead to offset the emotional pain of knowing that their addiction has not only harmed them but their loved ones. Alcoholics DO love others...although while actively addicted, are incapable of demonstrating that.
I for one am tired of watching people demonize people who have this addiction. Some of the most brilliant and fine people I have ever had the privilege to meet have been alcoholics...recovering or active.
It is a falsehood and a lie that all alcoholics are abusive. I have met and known many who were NOT abusive...even while drinking so this is a stereotype statement that needs to be abolished. There are abusive people out there who are NOT alcoholic so I'd throw caution to those who are eager to place alcoholics in such a category...yes, perhaps that has been your experience...but that is not the nature of alcoholism...
Would I want to be married to an alcoholic/addict again? No...because I lack the spiritual/emotional fortitude to withstand the perils of living with the disease but we don't need to throw compassion out the window because we have had bad experiences with it. If it were me, and I had this addiction, I would want to know that someone still loved me no matter what and that they would be honest with me about it and that this disease of the mind/body/spirit is not about my moral fortitude but about a physiological addiction that has taken on a life of it's own inside of me, one which every true alcoholic is as baffled by as the person watching them actively drinking.
Do you honestly think someone would choose it? Come now.
Tolerance, pity and compassion but that doesn't mean you have to be anyone's victim...the alcoholic needs help more than someone who doesn't...I wish people would recognize that. It's like watching someone commit suicide and not have a shred of compassion for the hopelessness they are in. Just not fair.
WHAT IF IT WAS YOUR CHILD? Statistics say, it just might be. Then we'll see...what unconditional love really is. Don't test the universe...it just might see if you can cut the grade. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 7:50:33 AM |
Do you honestly think someone would choose it? Come now.
Direct quote from an alcoholic: "I know I'm an alcoholic and I like it that way." Symptom of disease or choice not to treat it? I really don't know, but I am glad that I no longer have to deal with the emotional pain of hearing statements like that. I don't think that it's right to demonize alcoholics, but I think it's wise not to date them, which is the topic of the thread. And I'm not a big fan of constantly putting the responsibility on the co-dependent partner that tries to hold things together, as our society seems to do. My alcoholic refused to leave until I threatened to walk out with nothing and leave him total responsibility for house payments. I had nowhere to take the children, it would have meant leaving them with him as I would literally be out on the street. So, until things got bad enough to give that ultimatum, I took steps to make sure we held onto our house and had food on the table and because of that I contributed to his addiction by keeping him fed and clothed?
I do believe alcoholism is a disease, I just don't think that we should allow alcoholics to evade all responsibility for their actions . . . it's not even helpful to them. Living with an alcoholic can also be a slow suicide.
WHAT IF IT WAS YOUR CHILD? Statistics say, it just might be. Then we'll see...what unconditional love really is. Don't test the universe...it just might see if you can cut the grade. If you are dating with an eye towards marriage and family, this is another good reason to avoid dating an alcoholic - studies show a strong hereditary factor in this disease. And this is a true heartbreaker because you cannot change this for a child anymore than you can for an adult.
It's hard to show love and compassion without getting emotionally attached and drained. BK, I admire you for having learned to do this. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 8:17:53 AM | Direct quote from an alcoholic: "I know I'm an alcoholic and I like it that way."
This alleged quote does NOT represent all alcoholics. It is merely there to support your belief around that. I have seen a different side of the illness. I do not refute the plausibility that someone actually made that statement. It does not, however, speak for alcoholics the world over so is ineffective in providing substantial proof of anything. I would however, be interested in knowing the source of this quote? Who said it and where can I find this?
but I think it's wise not to date them, which is the topic of the thread.
That was not the topic of this thread. That is what most if not many chimed in with. The original OP was baffled about her situation and asked for assistance as to what to do. The thread title was not "Whether or not you should date an alcoholic." Many, however have taken it upon themselves to make that determination.
And I'm not a big fan of constantly putting the responsibility on the co-dependent partner that tries to hold things together, as our society seems to do.
This is the fallacy of the para-alcoholic's thought process. They NEVER WERE IN CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE. That is what al-anon is for. To drive that idea home...which is the idea of "powerlessness" that you apparently were not very pleased with. Apparently you have thrown that idea out in support of your own personal version of what is best for you...acceptable but not representative of what they teach in 12 step programs because NO ONE has power over the addict/alcoholic...it's a lie to the self. An ego distortion. There is only one you have control over...YOU.
I had nowhere to take the children, it would have meant leaving them with him as I would literally be out on the street. So, until things got bad enough to give that ultimatum, I took steps to make sure we held onto our house and had food on the table and because of that I contributed to his addiction by keeping him fed and clothed?
Placing our emotional/financial/home life security into the hands of an addict/alcoholic is like giving a child a shotgun to play with. It is foolish once you are educated about the nature of the disease. That is what Al-Anon helps with. They assist in finding ways to become independent of the addict/alcoholic so that we do not need to needlessly suffer at the hands of their addiction. I have been homeless because of what my ex husband did but it did not revolved around alcohol. It revolved around him deciding to have an affair with a co-worker...it was no different in its effect on my family. We were left high and dry. These things happen in all walks of life...I am not belittling the difficulties you faced, but the alcoholic is not to blame for our failure to see that we were trying to rely on someone unreliable. I blame myself for being so dependant on my ex for my security. Not that there is anything wrong in expecting him to live up to his word but the very nature of humanity says that it is wise to insure our own security and not expect it from anyone else.
My alcoholic refused to leave
This is a good example of the undignified way in which the partner/spouse of an alcoholic addresses them. Our words speak volumes...this man you are referring to has a name, and he was and is a person aside from his addiction. I am not saying that you were wrong to have left him. I am saying that his addiction should in no way diminish his personhood. It is no better than calling a woman "my old lady" or "the bytch" said this or that today. Abusive and wrong. Perhaps it was an oversight on your part but it spoke volumes to me.
I just don't think that we should allow alcoholics to evade all responsibility for their actions . . .
Of course we shouldn't. That is the nature of the 12 step programs. They hold the addict squarely responsible and accountable for their own actions. But, who, do-pray-tell holds the para-alcoholic accountable to theirs. Do you think that you had NO part to play in the addictive scenario? It is a dance, it takes two partners. One who thinks the alcoholic will "change for them" and one who "refused to change". Both ideas are ill fated and far from factual.
It's hard to show love and compassion without getting emotionally attached and drained.
It isn't hard once you have allowed the support groups to show you a better way to love the alcoholic/addict. Love doesn't always mean that you live with them. Sometimes , the most loving thing you can do is learning how to love yourself in spite of the alcoholic.
BK, I admire you for having learned to do this.
I thank you for that encouraging statement but I cannot take credit for anything I have learned so much as having a willingness to see it from their perspective and that maybe I truly did lack a sounder understanding of what it might be like to suffer from alcoholism. It took a lot of exposure to them to understand. I was moved with compassion and their honest sharing. I was broken-hearted at the harsh judgements I had made against them because of the pain of the illness created in my life. Unmet promises...and oh, how the alcoholic is a passionate soul full of promises they genuinely do wish they could carry out. The disease has destroyed their intention.
I have no courage compared to the alcoholics that I saw in those rooms. Some were whiteknuckling it to get through the next hour without taking a drink. That took REAL courage...they were the true heros...fighting an addiction that for some, seemed hopeless.
I would like to recall "Ron"...a very special man who died from liver failure...Ron was a homeless bum. He had gone through the gammit with alcoholism. He lived on the streetrs for the longest time. There was something special when he shared. It was raw and real. It wasn't hard to see that he understood the true nature of humility. He was an embodiement of the human spirit losing the battle against the "ism" of alcohol. I will never forget his funeral. There were 100's of people there...and we all sang wonderful, cheerful songs for him, songs that he liked...and even his long lost family had come so that we could meet them and share what we knew of the "Ron" who had finally made 2 years in sober. His spirit had finally won...the battle...and alas, when he finally found it, he gave it up so that he could have peace and so that we could all better understand the nature of the disease of alcoholism.
Interestingly, his family did not seem to understand how he was so well loved. You see, they had nothing good to say about Ron...we had much. Because we made a choice. We chose to love the alcoholic anyway. The choice is yours to make. Loving does not mean living with them or letting them run your life. It means learning what compassion is on a soul-destroying disease and that they are a victim of it too.
Go in peace Ron. You were loved.
I apologize for the lengthy posts...I felt it was worthy of Ron's memory. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 8:58:55 AM | BK,
I can't prove anything about the quote. It's something that was said to me personally by an alcoholic. And it could be that the quote as not "true" but was a product of denial.
You are right about the OP, I was sidetracked and I apologize.
You are right about not placing our financial security in the hands of another person. But my point was really that I should not have been blamed for keeping a roof over our heads just because it prevented a person suffering from alcoholism from reaching bottom and recovering. Our financial lives were entangled, I will learn from that. But I resent being accused of enabling just because I made sure the bills were paid. We were buying a house together, should I have let the mortgage payments go, or refused to put food in the house?
You have a point about the term "my alcoholic." But I was trying to be somewhat respectful of this person's privacy by not using a name, etc. I know that during this relationship I definitely had issues of my own that I had to deal with and I admit that this influenced my behaviour towards the other person in the relationship. If I don't admit my part in this, I can't change and grow.
My problem with the Al-Anon group that I attended was a personal thing, and I am sorry if I came on too strongly and left the impression that these groups are not helpful to anyone, because I know that they help some. Maybe I wasn't clear on what bothered me about powerlessness. The group I attended was working on powerlessness. I had already accepted the fact that I was powerless over alcoholism. My problem was that I felt powerless over my own life and actions as well. So it was partly a question of timing. I needed to learn to find and assert the power I do have over my life and they were working on something else at the time.
I am very sorry about Ron. Alcoholism is so devasting to so many people.
No need to apologize for the length of your post, you had things to say that are worth saying. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:14:10 AM | What bothers me, is that people lump alcoholics into two categories:
Either you've been sober x number of years and haven't touched a drop, in which case you're a hero;
Or you're a hopeless drunk who doesn't deserve compassion.
Why don't people realize there are alcoholics who are fighting hard, who drink less than their bodies' addictions demand and who can even attain moderatley long periods of sobriety (but have trouble with forever).
These people are trying and deserve some compassion.
And no, NOT all alcoholics are abusive.
According to stats I've read, 10% of people are alcoholics. It crosses all social classes.
It could happen to someone you know and love.
Addiction can happen to nice people.
Addiction might even happen to you someday--especially if you consider yourself morally superior to addicts, and therefore invulnerable to addiction. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:22:16 AM |
But I resent being accused of enabling just because I made sure the bills were paid. We were buying a house together, should I have let the mortgage payments go, or refused to put food in the house?
No one is ever qualified to judge the actions we have taken around the alcoholic. While it is very effective and even advisable to get educated about what can be done to safeguard ourselves, it takes a few hard lessons before we fully understand the impact this disease can have on our lives and homes as well as our relationships. You did nothing wrong...you did the best you could under the circumstances you were in.
Keep in mind that accusations are simply that. Being accused does NOT make us guilty and there is never a need to defend yourself against them. I think most people do the very best they know how when dealing with someone they love and are committed to having the disease of alcoholism.
Enabling is a learned behaviour. We often believe it is the "loving" thing to do. There is no shame in not fully understanding that the results of enabling are detrimental to the addict reaching their bottom faster. That does not, however, predict that they ever will. No one every truly knows if they will get recovery but there are certain things we can do to at least sway it in that direction. Sometimes praying for them to get recovery is the ONLY thing one can do about it.
Alcoholics have a tendency to respond well to tough love from their own counterparts, in other words, other alcoholics. Thankfully, the best solution is to direct them or direct those who are recovering toward an alcoholic who has managed to stay sober by whatever means. No one understands an alcoholic better than another alcoholic for some reason. There is also a bonded trust between them that few will understand. I felt very much like an "outsider" in that sense when sitting at those tables. In this case, I would be quick to refer them to the experts in their own disease...and let them roll with that punch. Non-alcoholics, unless professionals in the addictions field are not very well qualified to understand this disease and what it's like to have it.
All I know is that there is hope despite their sense of hopelessness. I think as compassionate people it is our job to share the victory stories of those who did conquer this addiction and managed to remain sober despite its lifelong nature. You are never NOT an alcoholic once you have been one. Just like you are never NOT a diabetic once you have been diagnosed.
It is very harmful for the alcoholic to be judged and often gives them yet another reason to drink. That does not mean it is our responsibility to make their lives easier for them...but it is advisable not to make their lives more difficult than they already are.
I like to say it as "If you aren't part of the solution, then you are part of the problem."
That's not mine of course, I just borrowed it LOL!
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:26:15 AM | | if it can't be cured in 6 months, leave. Amazing all the torment that goes on, whether this, cheating, or physical abuse..and people stick around in it | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:26:17 AM | | Yes I dated one for 6 years.. He has to hit bottom before he stops.. ANd he has to want to stop.. NOoneor nothing U say will stop him until he wants to.. Thats is the question for U? Do want to put up with it until he does?? Could be a real longgggggggg time.. I myself,did not.. AND let him go... Dont u think U deserve better??? (It is an Illness for him..) It is Your choice,and It will be your life if u decide to stay... GOOD LUCK.. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:53:59 AM | | As an alcoholic that has been 19 years sober and 23 years clean, the best thing that happened to me was, my boyfriend walked out on me. This prompted me to put it down andget myself straigtened out. I went to AA. It is a tough road but I had to hit bottom and loose the best thing I had in my life. He didn't come back into my life for over a year. We married a year after that, and stayed married to 15 years. You can't do this for him it has to be his desire to stop. Right now he knows that you will always come back/forgive him so he has nothing to lose at this point. For you there is life out there and the best thing you cvan do for him is to walk away. Sometimes this is a wake-up call and I hope for you also. Good luck to you! And God be with him. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:54:15 AM | | As an alcoholic that has been 19 years sober and 23 years clean, the best thing that happened to me was, my boyfriend walked out on me. This prompted me to put it down andget myself straigtened out. I went to AA. It is a tough road but I had to hit bottom and loose the best thing I had in my life. He didn't come back into my life for over a year. We married a year after that, and stayed married to 15 years. You can't do this for him it has to be his desire to stop. Right now he knows that you will always come back/forgive him so he has nothing to lose at this point. For you there is life out there and the best thing you cvan do for him is to walk away. Sometimes this is a wake-up call and I hope for you also. Good luck to you! And God be with him. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 11:09:02 AM | Beware of mantras--things chanted repeatedly over and over again until they are accepted as truth.
"The alcoholic must hit rock bottom to want to stop"
"Anything that keeps the alcoholic from hitting rock bottom is enabling"
"Only other recovered alcoholics can help an alcoholic"
AA is full of these.
In other countries besides the US, Therapists and psychologists do not worship the ground AA walks on like they do here. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/25/2005 11:48:42 AM | Um, just RUN AWAY. It won't get any better unless he decides to make it better. Nothing you can do about it.
Forgive away but don't put up with it. He's got a problem, and you are letting it become yours. There is no reason to stay if you know what it's going to be like, is there? Do you enjoy your life with him?
Good luck to you. My alcoholic ex-husband got to the point of hiding empty bottles around the house. I kicked him out and amazingly my life got a lot better! Not that the first little while wasn't hard but overall I am a lot happier for it. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/6/2005 9:32:05 AM | | so when you go on you rodd binge trvlingman, does that mean i can kick your ass?? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/6/2005 9:48:36 AM | | trvlingman , the more i read your post the more i wanna kick your ass.......Most ppl here are talking about a sensitive life isue and all it comes down to you is how youd like to fight with drinkers . I hope a drunk cathes you on one of ur binges and beats the crap out of you!! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/6/2005 3:03:22 PM |
You can't change someone.. my father was an alcoholic for years.. even when he wasn't drinking. hehe. At any rate.. your best bet is to get out of the situation.
He says he wants to quit, because he doesn't want to lose you.. been there done that. The only way he is going to quit.. is for him, and until he hits bottom, that isn't going to be happening.
Im with meik on this one....I dont doubt he cares for you...but he has to care about himself first in order to be worthy of you. It is sad and very hard to let go, when you know someone ultimately has a good heart...but bottom line, when it comes to alcoholism, that is a lifelong battle. To stay with him and hope he one day changes is just unrealistic. He may indeed get his life together, and when/if that day comes...then good for him and good for you. Unfortunately many alcoholics take years to even get sober and even more years to stay sober consistently.
If you still feel the need to stay with him try not to lose yourself in the process. If you lose who you are ...no one in this situation will win. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/6/2005 4:03:43 PM | I dated two. Both didnt admit they were until they couldnt hide it any more. They lied about it on purpose cos they knew it was a deal breaker. They werent 'recovering' they were hard core drunks, when sober NICEST men in the world. Due to the fact I didnt know they were alcoholics I thought I was loosing my mind. I'm a very logical, rational person.. it wasnt a fun time
They lie, they steal, they live in a delusional life. They will suck you dry mentally but must certainly financially, if they are predisposed to being mean when drunk, they will hurt you and maybe kill you ( of give it a really good attempt).
They will do what ever it takes to keep you cos no one else will want them for good reason, they will try and control you via kids or pets or whatever they know is your 'soft spot'.
Of course they love you more than youve ever been loved before, a drug addict will sell their soul to the devil for the next hit, an active alcoholic is no different (at least the two I dated fell into this category). The will use the alcohol as an EXCUSE for being a**** but they are the ones that are to fault, they just like having an excuse
This is what I did to make my decision. Perhaps you can use the same question/reasoning to make your decision
I wanted kids and I had to visualise having a kid with the 'unknown' . Would I want my child/baby in this mans company in the car, cos dont you know they still drive when drunk. Would I want my child bouncing around from 'nice daddy' to 'messy daddy' or 'evil daddy'
Would I be able to control him or watch him so as he couldnt drink EVER, cos I knew what the consequences were when he did
The answer was no
RUN DONT WALK, DONT LOOK BACK - Remove yourself 100%. Change all email address, move if you can
PS. No offense to recovering/on the wagon alcoholics, I support your perserverance (sp) | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2005 11:34:55 PM | Run....dont walk away.I know this sounds really cold,but I spent years thinking I was the one who would make my alcoholic ex boyfriend see the light and all of his potential if I just loved him enough.I was a neverending support system to this person and do you know what?I finally walked away months ago and I couldnt be happier.As far as I know hes still an alcoholic.He also still has tremendous potential,but the alcohol is the crutch that will keep him from realizing it.Sometimes fear of failure causes people to drink to sabatoge themselves so they cant "fail".His family still makes excuses for him,believes his lies,and somehow even though Im no longer around.....his drinking is still my fault.The fact that this problem began before i was even a part of his life never seemed to cross anyones mind.Hmm.It was always my fault ...or some other poor unsuspecting girl or individual who "did something" to make him drink.Alcoholics always have just enough enablers in their lives to support their habit.The other interesting correllation is the enablers ususally have either been married to or are currently dating/have dated an alcoholic themselves,or had alcoholic parents /close family members.All I can say...when an alcoholic is sober....they are usually great guys and extremely charming.When they are hitting the bottle...they will lie and do whatever it takes to get more alcohol even at the expense of the people they are supposed to "love"..Its the alcoholic who is supposedly loses everything to this horrible habit.Dont believe they are the only ones with something to lose.I lost friends,some of my self respect for what I was silently suffering through (when I put my game face on and pretended everything was ok).,and alot of sleep on the nights when I wondered if he was going to drink himself to death.I wouldnt wish the disease itself on anyone,(and I do have compassion for those who sturggle with alcoholism or any other addiction)...and I also wouldnt wish being in a relationship with someone who is a non recovering alcoholic on anyone either.Im sure a few people might be upset with this post.Im not here to hurt anyone...just speaking from experience.A person has to want the help themselves and noone else can make them do it.Id say if someone is off the bottle for 5 years cautiously approach dating them...until then.,...youre wasting your time | |
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