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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 12:40:17 AM | It sounds like a slow motion train wreck to me, you don't want to see the distruction but somehow are unable to look away.. You know whats happening you know you cant change it but you just cant help yourself...
You need to tell him to take a walk and come back after 6 months sober in the AA program. You will allow him the chance to earn your love and respect. If he has enough drive and desire to get his act together and deserve your love then and only then you can date have a long engagement and marry. Expect him to choose the bottle over you but if you don't give him this chance you are an enabler and a blind fool who's own sence of self worth is so low you will accept damaged goods and be there when the train leaves the tracks. Give him the speach and dump him with your best wishes love, and hope that he loves you enough to come back worthy of your love.
Any other course of action and I feel for you and the pain you will be going through and the loss you will feel when its over will be filled with regret for not having better sense.
Has Mr. hyde ever hit you, does he speak to you like your a dog and later blame the drink if so run not walk away.... If you just have to be near him because he is so close consider relocating..... it would be worth it and you may find someone that is worthy of your love.  | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 7:30:38 AM | BNS
The sad part is,no matter what we write in this tread you will not take the advise.
I know because my Ex is an alcoholic,and the five years I lived with her,I did not take the advise of my family,friends and co-workers.
I like many others think that they will change and things will get better,perhaps because we love them,we want to believe it.
For five years I put up with the actions of an alcoholic,it was five years to long.
She like many alcoholics,blame many things for there drinking,there is always an excuse for getting drunk.The job,stress,you name it they have one.
They also blame there actions,the next day on them being drunk
I dealt with her drinking two 12 packs every night,and sometimes before her passing out
trying to kill herself,breaking things,being abusive to both myself and our children,she was baker acted and arrested so many times,the local police knew us on a first name basis.
You do not mention if you have children,if you do I would advise you calling it quits with him ASAP,If you decide to live with him that is your decision,but they should not have to. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 8:14:58 AM | Alis kat
I to at one time had compassion for people that are alcoholics and drug users,having been with somone who used both,but I am not sorry to have lost that feeling.
They ruin too many lives besides there own.
I would rather have compassion and feel sorry for people that deserve it.
There are way to many people who are suffering from diseases,that they could not prevent,
children with cancer,or heart disease to just mention a few.
The way I now feel about substance abusers,they should all be put on an Island,where they could OD or kill each other,and not some family out for a drive,or destroy a family as only one of them can.
I would never think of dating let alone live with one again.The women who loves a cold one,or 2 or 3 or 4 is a total turn off.
The bar scene,just watching a drunk act now is enough to turn my stomach. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 9:40:11 AM | http://www.london-on-al-anon.org/
Or the one in your area. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 10:06:14 AM | Yes, Al-Anon is a great suggestion. People there going through similar things as you, can relate, and truly want to help. And your alcoholic should go to AA. But he's gotta want it for himself, not for you or kids...Encourage him to go to a meeting and maybe he'll be able to connect with what people are saying and have at least some feelings of being "a part of." I am in recovery, and my wife just couldn't take the relapses. I would get some time and then think that I could "handle" it. Never could, never will. It took a fishing accident last summer that resulted in brain surgery, coma, 2 mo hospital stay to finally wake me up. Today, I am a different person; found my Higher Power, lost all the fear and sefishness. I truly enjoy helping other people with my experience, strength and hope. So, BOTTOM LINE? Get help for you, and if he doesn't want sobriety then say goodbye. All the best and hugs and kisses from South Florida, Ben. Oh, one final thought. Yes, alcoholism is a disease but we can do something about it...vs ovarian cancer like my mom, she was powerless. | |
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bailey
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Joined: 11/17/2005
Msg: 132 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 10:51:37 AM | | bns, I have been where you are and all I can say is RUN, and do not look back. you will not be able to change him and until he is ready to change he won't and you cannot help him.....this is something he has to deal with on his own and he won't with you there, hell he might not without you there. But 2 years out of your life for a man who does not care enough about himself to get the help he needs.......do you want to wind up waking up in 5 or 10 years wondering where your life has gone? Sometimes we need to just cut our losses and move on. Best of luck to you I know how hard it is to go and stay gone when they say how much they need you. You need to put you first girl. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 11:01:53 AM | you should know you cant change a man, accept him how he is, or leave  | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 1:12:33 PM | to the @op,i think the final decision is yours.Not everybody that dates or is married to an alcoholic leaves the relationship or marriage.It seems that his drinking has obviously effected you and i would strongly suggest that you learn detachment.DETACHMENT doesn't mean you walk away or run from the person you love.DETACHMENT means you detach from the disease of alcohlism but not the person necessarily.I've seen many people stay in all types of relationships because they were able to DETACH from the person they love emotionally and were AWARE that they were not responsible for their drinking or behavior and continued to stay in the relationship.THEY CALL IT DETACHMENT WITH LOVE.In some cases the wounds are too deep and the best possible relationship is one of distance.I think each case is different and i also think telling people to STAY or LEAVE in any relationship is FOOLISH. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2005 2:27:39 PM | | I was casually scrolling through these forums, and As soon as I saw this forum, I had to click on it. I have been seeing a 29 year old man for two months, that has a one on one relationship with, Alexander Keiths.. He LOVES his beer. Not occasionally, but everyday, in large amounts. He tells me that he wants to stop drinking and that he wants me to help him, and I say that I will, but he does nothing to help himself. He is a wonderful man when he is both sober and intoxicated,he has never hurt me in any way, but I have grown up in an alcoholic home, and I do not want to do this again. The thing is, I care about him alot, and even though I know I should just leave him alone, I think that it will be easier said then done. I really dont know what to do. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/14/2006 9:15:34 AM | | I suppose it all depends on if you are a heavy drinker or not and if that is what you are seeking out of life, an artifical means of happiness. I married a drunk many many years ago and I actually thought I could change him. Well needless to say, that never happened. So, he chose beer over his wife and 2 children and I have been raising them by myself for over 15 years (he is not a part of their lives). Do you think 1 day he will wake up and see what he missed? I highly doubt it. So sad, but then again, it is each person's life choice. So my advice to anyone considering dating a drunk, if you want a lasting relationship look elsewhere. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/14/2006 9:41:16 AM | I dated a girl once who did the Jekyl/Hyde thing when she drank. She would get drunk and accuse me of doing things she told me her ex-husband did. She would go out screwing around because she thought she was going to find someone with money to take care of her.
They would use her for sex and dump her. She would then try to get back with me, but I have too much self esteem to put up with that bs. I have an Uncle who nearly drank himself to death, and is now a big advocate of AA. I have another uncle who did literally drink himself to death at the age of 38. The shame of it is: I have a BIG hangover today. It's always that last drink that you think you need......I am afraid all of these people are right. Nobody needs a substance abuser in their life. It will only screw your life up. | |
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| Was dating an alcoholic !
Posted: 1/16/2006 1:46:38 PM | | When I started dating my ex he was 15 months sober and in February of 2003 he started drinking again . I , Myself wasn't a drinker . I started to drink myself . I think in some sick way I wanted him to see what it was doing to me . I'm now 7 1/2 months sober . It was a difficult relationship to be in . I tried so many things to get him to quit and towards the end when I started to drink he wanted me to quit something awful . I don't know if he is sober know . But I am . I wish the best for him . The Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde sitiuation sounds just too familiar to me . Other drugs were involved , as well . I feel for anyone in that situation . Thanks | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/17/2006 2:30:52 PM | Dating an alcoholic?
Cut him in half and count the rings!  | |
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Ldygmr
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Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 140 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/17/2006 2:36:06 PM |
Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.
What should I do???? Seriously confused here.
Looks to me like he isn't the only one with the problem. Read up on codependency. It's not a good thing.
If after two years he has not done what he needs to do for himself, he sure isn't gonna do it for you.
Whether you like it or not, whether it's easy or not, whether it hurts or not...YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM.
Get out before he moves to the next phase...getting drunk and beating the shit out of you for whatever slight that started him drinking that day.
You WILL come to harm in this situation. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/18/2006 10:14:07 PM | | I was married to a recovering alcholic. The big word is WAS. Not that everyone is the same or acts the same.....as he was in AA for many years....but I found after a while the "dry drunks" are a real nightmare to live with. To date, I have not nor will I ever allow myself to get involved with issues like that. Think of the "worse days" you have already dealt with. Now picture a lifetime of those days....enough said? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/22/2006 12:54:32 PM | I recently have left a similar situation...only thing is ..he was nicer when he was drinking sometimes...and a complete ass when he was sober. But he would stay out all night alot..and i'd never know where he was, He'd come home the next morning and sleep all damned day and expect me to forgive him and move on..yet he'd never tell me where he was or what he was doing and with who. So 4yrs later i decided enough was enough and have broke it off with him..thing is i have a 3yr old girl with him and only a part time job...so as crappy as this sounds i'm still under the same roof as him until April when i can get into my own place.
I know in the beginning all you want to do is help him...and as much as he says he wants to quit he doesnt...and he won't until his world comes crashing down around him..he sees you having the problem with the beer..not him. He is fine with it..he knows he messes up and says things that aren't nice...but bottom line calling AA isnt much of an effort...going to an actual meeting is an effort..I know what its like and it hurts like hell to see him go through that and watch the change happening within him beer after beer...but bottom line is you can't fix him and you don't deserve to go through that...he needs to want to get help staying with him just enables him...forgiving him all the time will eventually become normal to him and he'll expect it and gradually start taking advantage of that thinking you'll always be there forgiving him...
Just my opion however...and i sure hope things work out the best for you | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/22/2006 1:03:20 PM | My alcoholic ex-husband is an ex because of his drinking. He is allergic to alcohol - breaks out in '***hole'!
You won't change him and your staying is just making his life better, not yours. Why be a martyr? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 4/8/2006 7:15:48 PM | Make sure they get to meetings.
Respect their choice not to drink alcohol.
Never blow their Anonimity in any way shape or form. That includes hints, etc.
Use a little willpower and quit drinking yourself. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 4/8/2006 7:25:52 PM | bns
What you wrote could have been written by me, verbatim, and my advice to you although harsh, is walk away, for your own sanity. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. That is my number one criteria here now...no alcoholics. I drink sometimes, I don't mind if my date does, but I can't deal with that situation anymore. I'll always love him, just can't live with him or it anymore. Who wants to be with someone who will choose a beer over you......and I gave him that choice time and again. I finally smartened up and he found another severe alcoholic to be with......good luck to them both, she has ended up in hospital for suicide attempts 5 times since.
I wish you luck in your situation. Be strong | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/3/2006 9:44:39 AM | | The only thing to do is go to Alanon .. please.. it is the only way you won't feel crazy.. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 6/14/2006 1:44:37 PM | | life is not crappy. i"m glad to know now i am not the only one who thinks that | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/6/2006 10:26:30 AM | You can do nothing 4 him. He has 2 want to get help and until that day u will be living
a veritable hell. He "thinks" of going to AA? I have been in the program 4 3 yrs and sober
for 18 months. I know how hard it is, but he has to want help to get help. Good luck. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:17:24 PM | | I just recently left my bf of 8 years that I have two children with. He is an alcoholic and I do not drink!! I finally got sooo tired of worrying if he was driving drunk and in jail or dead when he didnt come home after work!! He was very mean and abusive both physically and mentally when he drank. I was very afraid to leave him becuz I thought I couldnt make it on my own and the fact that I loved him very much when he wasnt drinking. I tried for 8 years to help him change and it would help for awhile and then hed be right back at it!! Now he makes up lies so that he doesnt have to take our kids for the weekends or to school activites just so he can go out and drink! Finally I realize that I cant change him and that I had to change things for me and my kids!! I might not be able to pay the bills but atleast it isnt becuz all the money is going to his addiction. I might have to work a lot and I might have to pinch here and there but let me tell u I am sooo much happier!! I feel like a weight is off my shoulders!! I feel so much better not having to worry about him anymore!! I dont know if this helps or not becuz for 8 years those that love me tried to get me to listen and I didnt so I dont know if ull listen to a bunch of ppl u dont even know, but I truly hope for ur sake u leave so u dont get as far in as I was and feeling like ur drowning becuz someone else is drinking all the alcohol!! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:28:42 PM | Been there. Between the worry that he wouldn't come home cuz he was wrapped around a tree to him not being able to keep a promise to spend more time with me cuz he was passed out and too drunk to call.
It won't get better til HE is ready for it to. You can't do it for him and all the love and dedication in the world won't help him...in fact, thats called ENABLING. I'm sorry, but think of yourself and get out.
Maybe your leaving him will be the wake up call he needs. And theres no amount of advice that will make you give him up if you're not just sick and tired of it. | |
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