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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2006 8:39:19 PM | | I myself used to put my drink before other peoples feelings. Maybe if you offer to go with your person they might have the courage. A drunk is a very stingy person who lies and says things to try and make things O.K. just to tide things over only for a short while. I KNOW!!! Try to work with your person and give a lot of support. Best of luck Thelma | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/18/2006 8:57:39 PM | | Only read the 1st post of this huge thread but he needs to do more than call a meeting, he needs to go to them everyday, work the steps and live it. Nobody can make him understand this, he has to want it for himself. Alcoholism ruins people's live, ruins relationships and he will be the sad one in the end, when you realize you can only take so much. A good friend of mine just went through this, she was married to one, just like yours, a great guy when sober, eventually she left him and went to a shelter, she now lives in some half way house or something. She's so sad. He still drinks and has a new woman living with him. One night he set his own leg on fire. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2006 4:22:29 PM | hon....think about it, u've answered ur own question......u say u keep leavin, that should tell ya...u need confidence in urself......stay away, u said it urself, its not healthy for u....good luck
also...been there | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:14:18 PM |
He tells me that he wants to stop drinking and that he wants me to help him, and I say that I will, but he does nothing to help himself. He is a wonderful man when he is both sober and intoxicated,he has never hurt me in any way, but I have grown up in an alcoholic home, and I do not want to do this again. The thing is, I care about him alot, and even though I know I should just leave him alone, I think that it will be easier said then done. I really dont know what to do.
Msg 136, Alcoholism is chronic and incurable at this time. However, as you've seen from some of the posters here it can be controlled but only by the alcoholic.
I don't like to see that he is asking you to help him......I have known alcoholics and they all seemed to have one trait in common, they blame others or circumstances for their drinking. He knows you can't help him so that is already a power ploy.
I wish you much luck, realize you can't help who you fall in love with. If possible try to get individual one on one help from a therapist knowledgable in dealing with alcoholics. It is interesting to note that you grew up in an alcoholic home, this tells volumes as to why you may be attracted to one now. I think it would benefit you greatly to explore this.
Personally though I agree with most of the posters here, I would run, not walk from an alcoholic......It is way too difficult for most to handle especially if you're young and thinking of marriage and a family. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:24:43 PM | | In my experience people will only change if they really want too. I was involved with someone who drank and had the same Dr.Jekkyl, Mr.Hyde personality. He apologised but then always acted in the same manner. He blamed it on everyone but himself and I left. Best decision I ever made because he still has not changed. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:59:28 PM | A very dear family member married and alcoholic. He was a happy drunk, intelligent and an all around nice guy....except he drank and that ALWAYS came first. They have beautiful children. Great, intelligent kids who have gone without a lot because he ALWAYS drank. I spent quite a bit of time with him when I was younger and have watched him glide down the pit of alcoholism as all of the beautiful things that life is supposed to be have slipped away one by one not just from him, but the whole family because he ALWAYS drank.
He is now full of cancer, and has scerosis of the liver. He is no longer drinking, but only because he is incapable of going out and purchasing it himself and his wife will not do it anymore. She did for a long time. She tried to help him for quite sometime then we all watched her slowly come to acceptance of it and then swallow her up in her own spiral of denial. She was a strong independent woman that been compromised and humbled by the disease of alcoholism of someone whom she has always loved. He was a drinker when she met him so it was not an after-the-fact development
You obviously love him and want to help him. If you are strong enough to not have yourself dragged down you are a very strong woman indeed. Do be prepared what you may be in for if the drinking continues and you stay with him. It is not selfish to watch out for yourself.
encourage you to be careful and wish you the best of luck.
Take care | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/19/2006 9:51:02 PM | i absolutely agree with lilmetisgirl. she has given you a personal and a professional "opinion" and she has followed her al anon program. no one else can tell you what to do. contrary to the posts here, there are people who have stayed together. however, from what i glean it is an independent and oftentimes lonely journey. the decision will be yours, but not until you go to Al Anon. do nothing until you do and by the way, go immediately. not every meeting will be the one for you. in the beginning, they suggest to try to go to a meeting a day and try all the different ones in your area. also one meeting can vary each week, so don't make immediate judgements until you give each meeting a chance. more and more meetings today are filled not only with al anoners or codependents as their primary recovery group. many people who get sober or straight also go to al anon to in turn, deal with their significant others or to help the people they sponsor, which often times means stepping back and letting each person find their own comfort level with their "bottoms". not everyone makes it, but many do and some after a long, long while. going to meetings will transfer some of your addiction to him ( a key feature) to the group, while you learn the principles and do the steps for YOU. if you leave this man and don't go to al anon, you might just find yourself another one.
my joke is that i married and divorced a man with blue shoes. so i made sure the next man had no blue shoes. but wouldnt' you know, i later realized that both men had yellow shoe laces. so i made sure the next one had no blue shoes and no yellow laces and behold! i realized after the fact that all three men had light blue shirts... the story can be stretched as much as you have time to tell it. but the point is that you are not recognizing what lies deep within your "man" and you also haven't changed YOURSELF. it is your outlook that needs to be addressed. notice you will leave him because you don't want to hurt him or contribute to his disease (enable). but you didn't think about what the disease does to you or your own addiction.
they say in 12 step programs that the alcholic seeks to "control" his'/her drinking (subsitute any addiction here that you care to insert).... but the al anoner seeks to "control" his/her alcoholic...so much easier than to let go and accept.... instead of deny.....and find community and a higher power which need not be G-d.... or can be G-d....or mother nature.... or the 12 step comradery....or quiet moments....or connection.......this is a spiritual program but don't confuse it with religion....it gets to the soul of the matter....or the heart....or the gut.....whichever you prefer.
and as to me, i am an adult child of a jewish college teacher who said we don't drink, we freeze it and eat it! my dad was neglected and had a heart of gold, except when he was drinking. my mom's mom died early and in retrospect she and her siblings had many "attachment" issues although everyone loved her as well. my first husband was an alcoholic and together we found the program, only for him to get sober, go on what was called a dry drunk (no drinking but a lot of anger that the drinking originally supressed). he ran off with another woman and she is a dear friend today after several years of pulling the knife out of my heart. my adpted child turned to crystal meth to self medicate, and with a lot of tough love, i think she may be pulling herself up from her bottom. little sister goes to alateen and so far keeps far away from the chemical issues, but one never knows.
12 step is a way of life. you can travel anywheres in the whole world and there is pretty much always a meeting for you and new people to meet. GO FOR IT, and make sure you find meetings where the real work is done in the diner afterwards! i must also warn you, you will actually experience a number of belly laughs as you lick your wounds and learn who YOU are. namaste. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/27/2006 10:18:12 AM | I can really relate to your situtation. I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 yrs. I must admit it took me awhile to catch on as I met him when I was 17 and a bit innocent to say the least. He was verbally abuse to me for most of this time and when the boys grew up he started on them, but it was only when he was drinking. As you say Dr. Jekyl & Mr Hyde. I am now in the process of a sepertation which isn't making things any better. He did attend AA, I went with him and so did my older boy, and then he thought he could go it alone and he fell off the wagon. There is no easy way out, he is also a good person when sober but it perfers to drink even after knowing that he was loosing his family. I have encouraged him to book into a clinic for help but I don't know if he will.
Alcoholic are sick people and need help. I understand that but has totally distroyed my self esteem and has damage my boys and me mentally.
I wish you the best of luck, but it is going to have to be up to you, you can't change him, he has to do that for himself. Please take care.
Honeybee | |
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Damama
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Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 159 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:42:38 PM | i was with an alcholic for nearly 19 years, we had 3 kids and each time i got pregnant i prayed for a son as i thought that would change him....it didnt! He did 6 months in re-hab to quit and within 1 month of coming out was back on the same path. While i fully understand you feeling like you have to forgive him, be under no illusion, he makes a conscious choice daily to drink, he may blame his childhood, his friends, society and even you, but its innevitablly his CHOICE to put the drink to his lips.
It took me 18 years, 3 kids and 3 nervous breakdown and finally the death of my dad to wake me up and get him out of our lives before we all sank with him. 5 years on he is still doing the same, which proves it wasnt me or my kids that drove him to drink, unfortunately they want the drink more than anything else, and no matter how good you are to him or how much you want him to stop, his first love will always be the drink until HE decides otherwise.
I honestly wish you the best of luck but get out before he takes your identity...its a hard uphill struggle to refind yourself when you have disappeared!! I know im still doing it!
GOOD LUCK! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/27/2006 8:05:10 PM | Wow, this descibes my past relationship perfectly. When sober he is Mr. Perfect and no one comes close to him, yet when intoxicated he turns into another man that I can't trust. I've tried for 8 years to have him sober up and stay clean, he was able to for a while a few times yet always relapsed. It took me all the willpower I could muster up and it broke my heart into pieces yet I managed to walk away from him. .... To make it even worse he is the father of my child. Luckily, I found someone else whom helped me to overcome my attraction and love for the other man.
My advice, leave him if its meant to be it will happen if not then you'll find someone else to lovee u and treat u the way u deserve all the time. Oh, and he likely does love you ... an addiction is a disease and as much as we may want to put blame on2 the individual itr t | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/27/2006 10:18:32 PM | | leave him he wont change until he hits rock bottom and even that is 50/50 | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 11/27/2006 10:37:23 PM | | It is scary the way alot of people think today. To all the people that are telling this women to run like hell, this is just shit advice. You love this man with all your heart. He is sick and needs to be treated for his sickness. Stand by your man and dont give up. I went through this same situation for 5 years. It was a hard 5 years but she did stop drinking. I never gave up and it saved her life. Run like hell huh?? I would never run from people I love no matter what the reason or how bad the situation. Thing about me is,Im a child of God. Good Luck to you!! Write me if you need someone to talk to. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/2/2007 5:39:41 PM | | I am a 64 year old woman who wasted many years and many great opportunities on drinking. I went to AA 2 years ago, and it changed my life. I haven't picked up and don't intend to. The thing is you have to want to quit drinking....and usually it happens when something inside you clicks and turns the stupidity off. I drank from the time I was 14 years old. I was an alcoholic the first time I ever tasted alcohol. I am not talking about a few beers or a few drinks....I was a serious drinker....3 or 4 of the BIG bottles of vodka a week along with at least 14 or more beers a day. Oh yeah...I have been there. My life changing moment came when I heard about my baby granddaughters care giver mistreating her. I drank everything in the house took some lorazapams went to bed and passed out. I actually woke up the next morning without a hangover and I said I NEED HELP. I had prayed so many times for God to take the desire away from me, but I found out I had to do my part. So....I went to AA and I got help and I found out that no matter how much you screw up your family loves you and they want you to get better. My mom and dad are still living, and believe me when I tell you that they are so proud of me...Mom tells me that every day. And what a wonderful gift to give to your folks before they pass on. The gift of living a sober clean life. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/2/2007 5:50:31 PM | | I had bought a womans children some clothes for school because they never had much to wear,,,,,I returned shortly after to see how things were going,,,there mother had returned all their clothes so she could have money to but herself some alcohol. I think about those children everyday,,, | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/2/2007 5:57:34 PM | I can tell you from very personal experience that being with an alcoholic is very damaging...not only mentally, but emotionally and physically. I was married to one for awhile. I didn't know about his drinking problem until after we were married. I kicked him out a few times...taking him to his dad's house...hoping it would change him. He would always call and beg me to come get him and I did. It go to the point that every weekend he would crawl into a bottle and stay there until Monday morning. Let me tell you that is no way to live!
Now that I am divorced and don't have to put up with that nonsense anymore...I have healed myself and have moved on. My life is much better now and I know I am ready to move on with a new relationship.
My advice to anyone who is in a relationship with an alcoholic....get out! They will not change...don't let them guilt you into taking them back/staying. You will be lonely for a time...you will miss them...but in the long run, it's better for you to take care of yourself. The hurt does go away...and there is a brighter future out there! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/2/2007 6:32:33 PM | As I was playing around on my computer,I came across this woman,with the SAME EXACT thing I am going through. I have been with Donnie for 2 years,this month,and I am sitting in the house alone,and he has been gone on a drinking binge for about 4 days now. I will not let him drink at our house,because either windows get busted out,the cops show up,or he gets mad,because he wants me to hand over my money for his alcohol,I refuse. I know what it is like to have an addication,I used crack,for 2 years,and dated a dealer,and smoked over 1000 dollars a day. The day Donnie ,and I got together,I quit,I just walked away from the drugs,and moved in with him,right off the bat. I figured I would get my self together,and help him. He alway told everyone that if he found a good girl,who would love him,and would never cheat on him,he would quit the drinking,because then he would have a reason too. Well 2 years later,here I am sitting all alone. He had been through 2 out patient treatments,went to aa,and started counsling,and it is the same thing. He is always sorry,and really wants to quit,and is sick of the hang over,and all the things that go along with drinking. He holds out about 2 weeks,and on a binge again. I do the same thing as you do. I feel bad for him,and know he has a good heart,as long as he is not drinking,and his mom? Yeah,even though she knows he is killing himself,she will gladly hand him money,to go buy alcohol. I figured the woman would be glad that her son finally found a woman that loves him,and you think she would back me up,but never does. We've had many talks about the drinking,and him lieing,and hiding alcohol around the house,and he tell me that if I love him,as much as I say I do,then I would stay,because he says it was so easy for me to walk away from crack (believe me it wasn't) that he is not strong like me. I watched my mom kill herself slowly with pills,and no one would listen to me until she was dead,and my dad died,I am 27,have no family,no one, but him. I have found out that alanon is right down the street from me,where I sometimes go to aa with him,and I am going to make an apperiance there soon. I know what you are going through,and everytime,I swear I am done,and I will not go back, but look, here I am sitting at hime,on a Friday night,carrying the phone around with me incase he calls. And the funny thing is I keep saying If he does I will not answer......RIGHT
sorry so long guys,I just saw this,and it kinda felt good to release some of this... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:42:26 PM | I hear ya! I am enabling and alchoholic and I love him very much. But he hurts me a lot too and says he loves me. And yes he loves the booze more than he loves me. I am a professional woman with enough smarts to have a professional career yet this man brings me down so fast when he says he needs me.
I also need to learn to run, cut communication so you are not alone, my heart is hurting and will hurt for a very long time.
After reading through the threads I know what I need to do for myself and my self esteem and that is break off communication and let him lead his own life whereever that may lead.
I pray hard every day for his sobriety.
Walking the same path...and sharing in your pain.
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:55:36 PM | | OMG I spent half my life with a guy like that and only just divorced him recently, IT DOESNT GET ANY BETTER, sometimes it takes for you to be with someone else and him to be to realize that. Get OUT now before you bring kids into it, its not fair to them or you and I was with him for 14 yrs it was the hardest thing I ever did, and I sometimes think of the person he used to be and that was who I loved Not the alcoholic so If hes with someone else and he's doing better and being a better dad then life will work out the way its suppossed to, Thats my take on it and my life, But he won't change if u do everything to help him, he needs to do it, and the one thing you will learn is loving with detachement LET HIM GO | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/6/2007 11:40:25 PM | join Alanon, they will help you, you are experiencing the "honeymoon" syndrome with him, you fell in love with sober bob and when bob drinks he becomes someone else, that is why they used to call it spirits.
You must not care about how he treats you, because you keep going back. If you did leave, I would suggest doing when he was sober and tell him that when he faces his fear and goes to AA to save his liver, life, relationship etc. that it is possible that he will take control of the drinking and chose to live a sober life.
Then regardless of his decision, you must stick with the fact that it is a dead end road dating a person with a dependancy on drugs or alcohol to deal with life.
THese people live in fear and must numb themselves. They chose to drink, they must purchase it and drink it unlike a child with cancer that doesn not chose the disease, I have never thought it was a disease, that sounds like an excuse or a rationalizaion to me. However, what ever works for them to put down the posion and it is a toxic poison and a depressant that they chose to intake. It seems selfish what they have done to society, famiies, wives, husbands and their children. I dont have the answer, nobody does. but like the poster whos wife will not buy him booze, he is not drinking.... just a thought.
You must protect your own life and not watch him drink yours with his down the drain.
good luck
BL | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 12:10:48 AM | | do him the biggest favour anyone could...dump him and tell him why. not to mention you'll be doing yourself a favour as well. when we tolorate this kind of behavior...i don't care what the excuse...we're saying it's alright for them to behave this way. when enough people don't want to be around them they will either change their "habits"(it's not a freeken illness), or they will end up waisting their lives...either way they won't be affecting othere peoples lives. you don't just become an alchoholic...you have to learn how....i'm sick and tired of people considering it an ilness. it's not...it a f**king bad habit...learned behavior. i smoke...it's not an illness it's a bad habit...one that i am entiely responsible for. i spent many years learning how to. just like a drunk. stop pittying him...that's what they use to justify their shitty behavior....my dad beat me, my wife left me, my lot in life is unfair....every one...stop feeling sorry for them. they did this to themselves as a way of getting pitty...like children...the more you cuddle them for their skined knees the longer they will play it out. alchoholics are no different. apart from suicides...alchoholics and drug abusers are the most selfish people on the planet. they don't care about anyone else but themselves...period! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 12:44:17 AM | i wonder in all this time if you've gone to al anon yet? one day at a time. they say it's a beer mug. i say its a coffee mug! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 11:54:07 AM | You should be treated the way the people who love you wish you were treated. 
A friend of mine once said, "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 12:06:59 PM | | I am a firm believer in the expression "We lie in the bed we make"... for those of you playing the home game, that means we are responsible only for our own actions. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 2:46:36 PM | You really should try Alanon. (www.alanon.com). Its for Spouses / Significant others of Alcoholics.
My parents were alcoholics and the worst thing you can do is enable him. When you walk away, walk away for good. Let him know you WILL NOT be with an alcoholic. Don't go back and forth.
Good luck to you, I know how hard it can be. (My measly post doesn't even begin to delve into the life of an alcoholic and the harm it causes the family). | |
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