| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/7/2007 3:04:52 PM | | I WAS MARRIED TO A DRUNK.WE WERE WITH ONE AN OTHER FOR A LONG TIME. THEN THINGS GOT OUT OF HAND AND HE STARTED TO BEAT ON ME.LIFE IS TO SHORT TO LIVE IT WITH SOMEONE THAT LIKES TO DRINK ALL THE TIME. DO YOU WANT TO BE AROUND THAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.AND WHAT ABOUT IF YOU HAVE KIDS. THEY WILL THINK IT IS OK TO DRINK AND BE MEAN.YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR KIDS TO SEE THAT.THERE IS TO MANY FISH IN THE SEA..IT IS ROUGH LEAVING.BUT YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR FUTURE.AND A HAPPY ONE YOU WANT TO LIVE..AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU. NO ONE CAN DO THAT FOR YOU.BUT YOU..GOOD LUCK IN WHAT YOU DO.. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/10/2007 1:28:05 PM | One difference between being a drunk, rather than a Alcoholic---is ya don't have to go to all them meetins---and the Beers are Cold, and tasty | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/10/2007 2:16:30 PM | Al-anon may be what you are looking for. One meeting can't hurt, or?
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/10/2007 3:29:34 PM | I got one of them AA places a block from my Shop. Funny how many Folks I know there. I try to get um to have a Cold Beer, just to help um get through it all---I say AA is for quiters, that never learned to drink proper like. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/10/2007 8:20:06 PM | | One word, hun ... codependent. Please seek a counselor who is experienced in this area. A great book to check out would be "Women Who Love Too Much". Codependents are notorious for hooking up with addicts as they enable each other. Good luck :) | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/10/2007 8:39:23 PM | | One word, hun ... codependent. Please seek a counselor who is experienced in this area. A great book to check out would be "Women Who Love Too Much". Codependents are notorious for hooking up with addicts as they enable each other. Good luck :) | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/10/2007 10:02:25 PM | Well, I went one step further and was engaged to one. *Big* mistake, very big mistake...He was abusive and negative, wanted me to get sterilized because I was not *good enough* to be the mother of his children. Yes, he had self-esteem issues too. Luckily I did not marry him...I married another man many years later, and only after we married-and it was dubious it was legit, dumb of me, but many years ago..., I found out he was a recovering alcoholic. That was not an issue, but other things were....Don't even think of dating an alcoholic unless and until he has been in recovery and takes it seriously, and is committed to maintaining his sobriety. Otherwise, you are just looking for a life of heartbreaks and many disappointments, maybe even violence towards you and premature death for you and any children you have.
I know that sounds harsh, but that's just one of many scenarios....Dating an alcoholic is not something I'd recommend until and unless they are in recovery. Otherwise, it is too scary to contemplate... | |
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Rich44
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Joined: 11/21/2006
Msg: 183 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/11/2007 2:37:07 AM | I am an Alcoholic, sober almost 20 years.
This is just me, but him saying hes scared of AA? I have a hard time believing that. Sounds more along the lines of an excuse. Maybe he doesnt want to be labeled as an "Alcoholic"
Trust me when I say..."There is absolutely nothing you can do" until he makes the decision to stop drinking.
I wish I could talk to him....I hope all of this works out ok...Ive been around AA along time and more often than not, the outcome isnt anything good.
Catch me sometime online..I would love to help if I can | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/11/2007 6:32:37 AM | OK herers tha Deal, jerks are jerks, period. It is always easy to blame that Jerkdom on Alcohol or Drugs. But in truth those are just lame excuses and cover ups. "It's not me that's bad, the booze made me do it." Well I'm tired of this bull. It gives Honest Drinking folks a bad name. I've been drinking Adult beverages for more than 50 years. It has not only never been a problem, it is something I look forward to doing from time to time. I don't drink every day, nor every week. But when I feel like havin me a cold Beer I do so, no problem.---The difference is, I was taught how to drink responsibly growing up. ---Everything in moderation is the key to doing anything, from drinking to eating chocolate cake. "hiding from reality" by drinking is a myth. Drinking will only make bad things worse. Drinking should be a celebration of life, not a life jacket to get you through----believe I'll have me a Cold one after this rant---Peace out my Hommies.  | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/11/2007 7:40:48 AM | | Get rid of him, the frustration will be endless. Speaking from experience, CUT YOUR LOSSES NOW! Drunks will say or do anything to keep you around and to keep drinking. They lie, cheat steal, if he hasn't done it yet he will. Run like H**L! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 4:27:53 PM | Oh, BSN, I feel for you. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 8 years, the last 4 being married to him. Reading your posting was a total flashback for me. Only you can make the final decision and everything that we all say here won't change that.
I know that my ex loved me, to the best of his ability. But, I can assure you, that your life will never go anywhere with him, no matter how hard he tries (apart from completely giving up the booze and going full-on into rehab). I made every excuse, tried to "love him better," tried to do things that would hopefully keep him from drinking. None of it works. It does temporarily but never in the long term. In my case (and in MANY cases) the drinking becomes worse. You lose friends, you are never going anywhere financially, everything suffers and you become a different person that you really are.
I don't doubt that you love this man but, staying in a relationship with him will only make your life stressful. I'll bet money that, if you left him and kept him out of your life, you would start to realise that you are better off. I don't miss the panic I felt: on every payday, whether he was going to drink the money or pay the bills; when he was with our baby, would he drop her or drive with her; would he crash the car while en route for more beer; the list is endless. You deserve better and he will not change. It's not your problem, it's not your fault. You are a good person but he has a problem that you cannot fix.
Alcoholics, who can't bring themselves to stop, are poison to every part of your life. They may love you, you may love them, but you deserve a better life than what you are setting yourself up for. Perhaps you should go to the library and have a read through some books about alcoholics. I'm sure you will find, like I have, that every story is the same and every story ends up the same.
Be strong, do what you have to do and .... YOU GO GIRL. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 4:31:38 PM | And ... on the sunny side of things....
If you get out and make something of yourself, it is a huge learning experience for you. Like many other things in this life, living in an alcoholic relationship makes you stronger. You learn that you will not settle for something that is not perfect. You will get through this, girlfriend. And you will be the better for it if you get out and start all over again. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 4:54:50 PM | | I just divorced an alcoholic. I was with him for sixteen years total. It got worse and worse as time went on. He needed more alcohol to get his buzz, because he was becoming immune to it. He proceeded to drugs, and whiskey, which made him crazy...literally. He made a lot of empty promises, and I finally learned that whatever came out of his mouth was a lie. They tend to tell you whatever you want to hear, just to get you off their backs. I finally gave up, and watched him hit bottom. He actually had to be taken away to a mental hospital for a while. He lost me, his home, and his job, all in one day. When he had to go into a ninety day court ordered program, to become clean and sober, I heard all the promises again...but I knew better by then. He was right back to drinking the minute he was out of the program. My life was a living hell for a long time, but now I've never been happier! He's gone, and my house is now a home... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/12/2007 5:13:57 PM | i could have cried reading your post.your story is just like mine and it is so hard to escape these men.yes they have sober days when they are so lovely and yes they do tell you they love you but at the end of the day alcohol is the winner.it always will be.i am not that long out of my relationship because of alcohol and 3 weeks ago we decided to give it another go-it was fab-just like it used to be.we drove here there and everywhere last weekend,basically falling in love again but this weekend is a different story-we went out to a function on saturday night and i have not seen him since cause he is on a binge while im sitting at home playing mum, worried incase he will drive, vomit in his sleep etc.so my advice to you is get shot of him-do you really want to put up with sleepless nights worrying are they ok and endless days worrying about money.well i wont be anymore-hopefully i will listen to my own advice when he comes crawling back tomorrow
amanda | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/25/2007 12:50:47 AM | | I know what you mean by Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde...people who drink can be like that. I met a guy on POF who drinks and I had to break off our friendship because of his weird and crazy behavior, even had to put a block on him and now he follows me around the forums. Get out while you can. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/25/2007 9:42:17 AM | You can't change him he can only change himself, don't expect that to happen over night. My friend has this problem is still going through it! They have been together for 3 years and even though he said that he was going to change it NEVER happened. HE is an alcholoic and has gotten arrestted on drug/possession charges. If he REALLY loved you he would of stopped a long time ago. The only reason why he still drinks is because he knows you'll be around. He has you hooked ...
Best of luck! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 5/1/2007 9:20:22 PM | | Yep...You should have just walked away..Two years??? You really like to endure punishment..A person will only change their habit if they want to,and after that much time it seems like he does not want to... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:21:10 PM | | Don't give up on him......just yet.......He is sick....I am like him too.....Its hard....but if you support him to stop then he is very lucky.....some of us don't have that.....He should wisen up before he is all alone with it....... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 12:58:00 PM | I am a recovering alcholic. The bottle was my mistress. I to was like a Jeckle and Mr Hyde. He can talk the talk but you have to walk the walk. He will never be able to hold onto a relationship if he continues to abuse alchole. But remember all the help and counceling are meaningles. I stopped drinking because I had the desire to stop. You do it for yourself not for others.
Frank | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 1:10:21 PM | OP, I know how it feels. been there. Almost married one. Back and forth several times. I know he can be sweet and loving when "normal", even much better than any guys you ever met, only that does not last. Last time he had a physical fight with his elderly parents in my presence, hit one of them pretty bad. By staying you are becoming his enabler. He may or may not kick the habit (most don't), but he has to fall to the rock bottom and decide it for himself. And even then it may take years. He's not in control of himself, bottle controls him no matter what he says and promises to you. he may have good intentions when sober, but they evaporate when he sees a bottle.
I know you always want to hope, but leave, cut off all the contact. In time, if he recovers, he will meet a right partner for himself. But you cannot sit around and expect him to recover by the power of your love. If it worked, there would be no addicts because there would be someone to "love them" out of their problem.
Even if you won't have someone for a while, are you not better off tha living a desperate life between few and far in between sober moments? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 7:15:45 PM | I too have been in this situation. First of all I must say my dad was an alcoholic. Any man that has been in my life has had some sort of addiction. The last one I was with for 5 1/2 years. We started off with a great relationship. He is so sweet and charming. From buying me flowers for no reason, cooking for me, serving breakfast in bed, massages, to gifts of jewelry, just about anything to win my love, to drinking too much, mixing shots of whiskey or whatever with beer, to name calling, to finally threatening my life and the lives of my family. We broke up in May 2007 over it all. We started communicating again in July. He sounded so good (sober). Said he was trying to do what is right. We decided to try again. I told him although I didn't want to give him an ultamatium if he went back to drinking the hard stuff with his beer just know I will be gone. Everything was good for about 3 months. One night I got a phone call at 3 a.m. He was drunk, yelling and cussing into my recorder for me to answer the phone. I recognized the tone and thought I am not dealing with this tonight. I unplugged my phone and turned off my cell phone. The next morning I listened to the messages he left me. There was 8 of them. They progressively got more violent until the last one 2 where he threatened myself and my family. Said he would put us '6 feet under'. Later the next day he called and apologized into my recorder. The NEXT DAY he met another woman on POF! ONE DAY, After 5 1/2 years took him ONE DAY to move on! He is now charming her. He still calls me or textes me too. But he is her problem now. I tried to warn her but I guess she is just going to have to find out the hard way, like I did. He is an alcoholic and a compulsive liar. But such a charming one!
Cheers E & T  | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:30:38 PM | Oh my, yes they can be so charming, when they want to be. But when they are stinking drunk, they are anything but. Some drinkers loosen up and like to talk, and others get mean and won't stop until they get into a fight. Either way, it's no fun for anyone around them who stays sober. The difference between a social drinker and an alcoholic is quite clear. A social drinker can knock back a few and stay in control of himself. An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink all the time, but when he does? He can't quit until he runs out of booze, passes out, ends up in an accident, or in jail. They can't control their anger, or their temper. They say things they would never say if they were sober, destroy things, but the next day? They might not remember a thing that happened, or where they were, or who they were with. This is hardly being responsible, nor is it acceptable, especially if there are children present. I know, I lived with one for 13 years.
Anyone who has had their life become unmanageable because of someone else's excessive drinking can learn how to deal with it at Al-Anon. They will teach you how to detach yourself, how to cope, not to cover for them, not to lie for them, or make excuses for their bad behaviour. How not to engage in arguements, but to let the drinker suffer the consequences of his behaviour and actions. They are hard lessons to learn, but they start making sense once your own life gets under control, for the only person you are responsible for, is yourself.
It's only when an alcoholic hits rock bottom will be ask for help. Some make a recovery, too many don't and go back to the bottle, dragging others with them who don't understand how to cope. Alcoholism has destroyed many a good man and torn apart families. Don't let this happen to you.
Pink | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/10/2007 10:24:06 PM | {They say things they would never say if they were sober, destroy things, but the next day? They might not remember a thing that happened, or where they were, or who they were with. }
He always told me he didn't remember or said I was lying, that whatever it was didn't happen. So this time I forwarded the messages to his cell phone so he could hear himself talking to me that way. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/11/2007 5:13:32 AM |
So this time I forwarded the messages to his cell phone so he could hear himself talking to me that way.
In my case he brushed it off (messages) like it was something insignificant, saying he was not himself and I should understand it. and went on telling how much he loved me like nothing happened. he left threatening messages on his parent's phone - same thing. Like nothing happened. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 12/30/2007 7:55:56 PM | | All I can say is you read very few post were people say give them a chance. I understand you can never be cured and can fall of the wagon at anytime. I think it best to go with the odds and try and stay away from alcoholics. Maybe you can love someone but not want to be around them. I did try to date an alcoholic and as nice as she was when not drinking I could see it was not going to work. It can break your heart but it is better than breaking your life. | |
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