| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/2/2008 9:14:29 PM | I am so sorry you have to go through the drama for being in love with an active alcoholic. I went through that for almost 3 years. This guy was the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, I brought him to California from Georgia knowing the two of us were meant to be together for life, my soul mate, and I still dearly love him and I always will, even though I can’t be with him because of his addictions. You can’t make your guy get sober. He is making choices and it sounds like he is a very sick on alcohol. Have you tried al-a-non? It really works. If you want to talk more about this just e mail me
Good luck
k | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/2/2008 11:06:15 PM | | You can't change him(alcoholic).If you are going to stay with him I suggest al-anon. They help people deal with loved ones who are alcoholic | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/2/2008 11:30:26 PM | | Please, Please, Please, listen to me- my first husband was an alcoholic. After I married him he started to beat me when he was drunk, and the next day always apologized. I couldn't get away from him. I had to move cross country with my kids (the first time he found me, the second time he didn't) to get away from him and his abuse. They never quit. They are like crack addicts, they will sell their children or pimp you out for a drink. And even when he quit for awhile, he always went back and was angrier at me for making him quit. You deserve better. Please let me know how I can contact you before you make as big a mistake as I did. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/3/2008 12:00:09 AM | I am blunt and upfront.
I loved an alcoholic. I did not know she was one for almost a year due to my work schedule.
When she went sober for me, she changed. It was not the same girl that I had fallen in love with.
My point is that all of this is really simple. That drinking stuff is okay in moderation but *some* people can't handle it at all.
The second point is: If you want a long life together with him not dying from his kidneys shutting down, then he seeks help and does the *man* thing about the problem. Period.
It ain't easy and I won't say that it is. It's hard on everyone. Best wishes. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 1/3/2008 7:05:40 AM | Got involved with someone who was an alcoholic too. Like most people who do, I didn't realize it until I was already in too deep. And it's typical of my personality to put as much into a longterm relationship as I can until it's totally obvious that any more efforts are futile.
When I was going to Al-Anon (friends & family of alcoholics), there was one elderly lady with a point of view I've only heard once - ever - about this. Her husband was deceased and she said that despite everything she went through she'd rather have him back than do without him -- alcoholism and all.
She was trying to encourage me to at least think about that. But I was in my late twenties/early thirties and not big on thinking beyond the next day's breakfast. Am I glad I left? Yeah. Bankruptcy was bad enough. Shudder to think what my life would be like today. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:50:10 PM | I dated one , too and then I became an alcoholic,
sigh | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 4:56:59 PM | I am not saying there are not good sober/clean alcoholics, just giving you my story.
Wonderful man, sober 19 years. Good job, good income, busy with the church, well thought of................he traded the bottle for the broads. Couldn't put them down. Most alcoholics when they put the bottle down, trade it for something else. They have addictive personalities. Trade the bottle for coffee, cigarettes, women, food, anything to satisfy the craving for something. AA leaders told me he would never change and to leave. I did . I am happier and he has been through 6 women, including a new wife in the last 2 years............... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:05:10 PM | He may truly want ot quit, that I do not know. Remember people we all have weeknesses for some things that we have a very difficult time overcoming if at all. For some it is cigarettes, for some it's shoes, some it's being a jesus freak. We all have things like that and to others the same things are no big deal. But to the person with the attraction it is a real thing not easily put aside .
I might have a drinking problem, I truly like the taste of heavy thick beers like killians and gueniss and killians together, or st. pauli girl. If bud light was all we had I would never feel like having a beer.
Anyway, my point was that it isn't that easy sometimes, no matter how much they love you. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:14:31 PM | hi bns
im a certified drug and alcohol counselor....been there in real life with my ex and with my clients....run as fast as you can....join co dependents group through AA ITS FREE....and when you see all these people wasting their time and energy on the drunks in their lives you will get the courage to leave him....he is playing you....and all his promises are partof the game...and you will be the loser...and dont fall for the alcoholic crap of when he gets sober he'll change they never do....good luck | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 5:49:19 PM | | I was soooo needing to read this today! I personally have struggled with alcohol dependence. Back in 99 I got sober, lived a great life in recovery for 5yrs...moved away and eventually slipped again. However, with as much recovery as I have had and with the many changes in my life that have been made, I feel that I no longer have a "drinking problem". I have always had difficult relationships with men..either they are alkies, druggies, abusers, or irresponsible. My Dad is now needing recovery(he has been "dry" for 6mths) and I would like to be able to help him get to meetings, support him, and do all that I can do to help him achieve long term sobriety. Anyway, I have hoped that after getting things put in perspective in my life...I am trying NOT to get into a relationship with men who drink heavily. So, without saying too much, I really needed to read this to remind myself not to even have a 1st date with someone who I feel drinks too much...It's just not worth the chaos that it brings, and I'm too old to go thru the problems that it brings. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/17/2008 6:56:47 PM | Hi,
I have only read a couple of pages of this so I may be wrong but it seems that the most common reply to your question is to leave.
This seems a very simplistic response to a complex problem. My ex was an alcoholic and although it is awful to see someone hurting themself that way, he was placid both drunk and sober so his behaviour only hurt me because it hurt him. On the other hand, my son's father was a drug addict and had no impulse control so, although a good person, wasn't safe around my son so I had to end it. My point is that the addiction is the other persons problem. Your problem is the behaviour that stems from it and whether you can cope with that or not. To say, 'Get rid' because someone is struggling to cope with life seems a little callous to me. I am a depressive and listening to me bawling and hating myself was probably much more of a strain on my alcoholic ex than his drinking was on me (although they are probably just different expressions of much the same thing). We all have problems and a partner is there to support you and let you know that you are loved unconditionally. This idea of being an 'enabler' is misapplied if it is used to refer to anyone who has a relationship with an alcoholic. Your reaction to the drinking determines whether or not you enable it. A comparison which springs to mind is that of caring for an ill child. If your child is off school ill, you look after them; you give them nourishing food, keep their temperature down, make sure they rest etc., but you can go beyond that and give them more attention than they would normally get, be nicer to them, let them get away with naughtiness because they're ill, give them treats - the latter is teaching them that if they are ill, they will be rewarded and they are more likely to develop hypochondria or psychosomatic illnesses. The former shows them that you are there for them and will help them through harder times (though can't actually cure them). The same is true in a relationship with an addict or anyone else with problems.
Having said all of that, my initial response still stands. If you're unhappy in the relationship, leave. If you feel that the burden of his alcoholism is more than you can cope with then there is nothing wrong with leaving because of that too but the situation has to be addressed for you individually not in some blanket way. He may be an alcoholic but he is a great deal of other things too and all of it counts towards your decision. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/20/2008 1:15:18 PM | | He will not change until he is ready no matter what is said or done, and the reality is he may never stop. The addict will tell you exactly what you want to hear, and he will eventually take you down with him if you allow it. Unfortunately calling AA is not much of a move. I'm sure he does love you, but that won't change things. I just got out of a relationship with someone who drank when I met her. Quit-with much support-intense out patient program for months. Was sober for about 9 years, relapsed and never came back. I stuck with her for just over 2 years and watched her destroy everything we worked so hard for. In and out of rehab/detox hospitals/car wrecks-very serious ones too/lost job of 17 yrs. She is still a mess-people don't make changes unless they want to. I am starting to get my life back, I didn't realize how much she was killing me too. Even if he stops, it is a lifetime journey to stay sober. I would walk away. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/20/2008 7:10:24 PM | | my father is an alcoholic. He was awful when he was drunk. My mother thought that she was doing the right thing by staying with him b/c he was the father of her children. Until one day he got violent, and she gave him an ultimatum, either quit drinking and get help or leave. He chose to leave. Everyone is better off without him, he's no longer in my life. Honestly you cannot change someone with an addiction, THEY have to want to change themselves. You can't force them into rehab they'll just resent you and drink anyway. You know whats right in your heart. :) I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I know its tough, but I'm sure you're strong and you can get through this. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:30:02 PM | | I dated an addict...he was in recovery and did really good for a little over a year...they are the greatest people when they are sober, but by you going back because you want to or because he asks you, you are just enabling him...trust me I did the same thing. As long as you continue to go back he will never change anything!!! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:38:32 PM | | Its not only him with the problem it is you with the problem. He is addicted to a drug and you are addicted to him so now you both have a problem with alcohol. You need to look at your behaviors and character defects.......not his....run to alanon.....go to five or six meetings if you don't like it then go back your misery is still there waiting for you,,,,,,,,,,, | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 9:23:48 AM | I would see if he was serious about quitting drinking, (i.e. going to rehab, etc.)
and if he was serious, I'd hang in there. If not, I'd get out of the relationship.
I'm not going to be "first runner-up" to a bottle of booze. But that's just my
opinion. You'll do what you want to do. It depends on how strong you are. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:16:20 AM | I don't have any sympathy for you, and I hate drunks. My late wife was murdered by a drunk in a traffic accident.
I've had a lot of experience with drunks in my life too. They are sociopaths. They are people without a conscience who'll tell you anything to get their way. They are also extremely clever and manipulative. By any means, they'll achieve their ends.
Scared to death to go to AA? What a crock of garbage. What he values most in his life isn't you but his next drink. I can promise you that he'd walk over your dead body to get it too.
And his being wonderful when he's sober? Well that's a common characteristic of many drunks. They often appear to be very charming and charismatic when they are sober, but this tactic is similar to the spider luring the fly into his trap. There isn't any sincerity or honest feelings under his charm. It's simply his way to manipulate you and maintain his control over you.
And another wonderful characteristic of these scumbags is they are often abusive both physically and verbally. Of course, the next morning after they have beaten the crap out of you, they are filled with remorse and apologies for their behavior.
But who is really worse - you or him? I'd pick you because you're the enabler. You're the person who gives this guy his power by believing his line of sh*t. As long as he can convince you to stay in this sordid affair, he'll continue his horrible behavior. Of course, he'll likely continue it without you, but at least, you'll be free of him.
And why do you stay? The abuser quickly spots his victim when picking a woman for a relationship. These are often women who don't see themselves as having much worth or value. I suppose the buzz word is self esteem. But there is more. Many women are used to dominating and controlling men likely having a father or numerous BF's like this with drinking problems. They feel comfortable only with men who'll tell them what to do or unwilling to run their own lives.
Women with weaker personalities in theraputic situations often take years to change their behavior to get out of bad situations. The stronger ones or the few fortunate ones walk away and don't look back.
And finally their are only two paths for the drunk. He goes to the very bottom tier of human existence and dies, or he somehow musters the courage to turn his life around.
The Eagle | |
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Jax_xx
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Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 219 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:22:23 AM | Alcholism is a disease........it isnt about him loving the beer more than you..........he has to come to the end of himself........and i will say this......if u continue to go back and forth you are actually enabling him. 'Sometimes a person has to lose everything important to them before they see the truth.........no amount of talk will help him change.............this is one he has to do on his own. If you really love this guy, dont give him ultimatims, dont coddle him. You may be his friend if u can separate the two .........he can use your support, on the other hand if u cant separate yourself from him it would be best to not see him at all. Allow him to go thru the pain of his life.........and when he is ready......he will go too AA and clean up. Until then, move on with yours......this is a dead end unless he is willing to help himself..........your love and care cant heal this one................he has to heal himself! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:26:08 AM | Alcholism is a disease.....
since aa could not give me evidence proving this claim...do you have any you can provide me?
ps...right on EagleEricW | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:30:40 AM | | excuse me? rather stereotypical dont you think? that just because someone is irsih they are drunk or heavy drinkers, wake up and smell the coffee lovie | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 2:53:08 PM | WALK AWAY IT IS NOT GONNA GET BETTER !!
Its a vicious cycle that will never end. Ive been there and done that you can not change or fix a person even if they say they want to stop because saying you want to and actually taking action are two different things. its not worth an unhappy life!
good luck i hope you make the right decision | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 3:21:20 PM | | Run. Away. Now. Unless you hate yourself, of course. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 7:20:34 PM | | i was with one for 26 years off and on.i even married him.he would tell me he was sorry.and that he loved me.and i think he did really love me.he just loved his drink more.we was together since we was 16.we had kids and grandkids together.i think he really did want to stop drinking.just didn,t have anuff will power.he went to dry out places a few times but always started back drinking when he got out.he kept saying he was going to quit.he went to aa meetings and every thing.he just couldn,t stop.i loved him so much but i finley had to get out.the drink took his life dec 2 2007.i still love him even though he,s dead.his death has bene real hard on me.i would give anything if he hadn,t died.if he had of just gave his drink up.but his drink came befor any thing even his kids.erik or what ever you are calling your self.that was not right what you said.it,s bad about your wife.and i,m sorry that happen.but to say you hate acholics is not right.it is a sicknees thay have.and it will eventliey kill tham.thay are down on thare self worser than anyone else could be.and to blame the girl just because she loves him and wants to help him is just crazy. | |
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DSW77
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Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 225 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:57:50 PM | | Love sucks! best advice....Go on with your life! He wont change until he hits Rock Bottom!!! for some thats losing there licence,killing someone,going to prison,or losing a friendship...something has to hit them so hard that they wake up and say! 'I cant do this anymore!!!' life is a journey of self understanding! hopefully he will one day choose the right path! If he wants to change....support him!! if not....like I said move on!! | |
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