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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 5/6/2007 3:38:35 PM | If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 5/18/2007 3:48:55 PM | ..........That DRAFT BEER contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove my theory, I bought 3 guy friends 15 rounds of beer and observed that all of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive....................
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 5/18/2007 4:04:59 PM | DRUNK SLANG MEANINGS....
Alcoheimers .... the inability to remember what happened while drinking the night before.
beerjangling .... spare-changing for beer money.
bungie-shot ..... a shot likely to come back up.
funeral drunk .... to be depressed while drinking
LR time .......... the time women spend gossiping in ladies room.
Monet .....someone who appears attractive from across the bar, but less so up close. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 5/25/2007 8:09:54 PM | As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .......
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 5/26/2007 2:10:42 AM | If you pass out at a bus stop on a busy main road, you will wake up to see:
1 firetruck
1 ambulance
2 police cars
a bunch of guys in uniform looking at you smiling,
and one EMT saying," hey, buddy, we got a report of a "dead man in a bus stop"...
and if you are nice to them they will help you find your friends apartment, which you couldn't find because you were too drunk to see, and decided to rest in the bus stop...
( the apartment was right behind the bus stop !!!)
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/8/2007 8:09:25 AM | I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number nine million twenty seven's not bad
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:21:19 PM | so you 've all heard the one that women look better when your slightly intoxicated
i learn something else.
you don't give a crap what your drink tasts likte o you it tastes nice, to everyone else it is disgusting, untill you sober up in the mornin and you realise Vodka & Martini isnt as nice as James Bond makes it look.
seriously it was buy one get one free, me not realising thought i would give it a shot although i refrained from saying "Shaken not Stirred", i loved it when i was drinking it once i thought about it in the mornin i almost threw up and i still do when i think about the taste | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:24:51 PM | oo another thing,
NEVER say i don't want any trouble to an english barman in benidorm after hes been glassed in the head, it resulted in serveral fists and legs flying in my general direction.
i got cramp in my leg for a month after.
btw. i was not responsible for glassing him lol ::D | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/12/2007 3:20:09 PM | i learned never to go for a wee between two parked cars late at night after a drinking session. especially as one of the said cars was a police car with two officers in it.who proceeded to put the bloody headlights on an then got out an charged me with indecent exposure!! cheek!! well both cheeks actually. ha ha
that was years an years ago but i still remember it.
i also learned recently that using smirnoff ice is not a natural mixer for vodka!! i was tryin to get rid of the vodka b4 entering a club so i used the two smirnoffs i had to mix it with. big mistake.i only had four drinks. ws home b4 ten pm. ha
i also learned once when with my sister we went for a wee as u do v late an as we stooped down my sister said just make sure you dont lean back or u will fall into the wee. well as u can imagine where both blind drunk both doin are best to remain squated an both at the same time crashing forward onto out knees!!! i still bear the scars from that one. ha ha ha ha
soz most of mine sound like im in the habbit of weein anywhere but i can assure you the incidents where about twenty years apart. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/12/2007 7:40:42 PM | If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
“The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.”
Some basstard always manages to slip a Mickey in your 30th drink.
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/13/2007 9:37:55 AM | Things I have learned while I was drunk-
The floor moves when I walk all by itself-
I should not walk anywhere except to my bedroom - I tend to get lost.
Drinking games are not my friends -
My friends exploit me-
Mexican food taste really bad the second time around-
Shots are for drinking not for throwing
Pizza taste really good at 2 o'clock in the morning
People in clubs stare
Watching Tv and the room spinning at the same time does not work out
There are alot of attractive men in this world
Flirting with the bartender only gets you banned and a phone number
I have problems with my vision
Laughter is not always the best medicine
The bathroom floor is amazingly always cool at any given time of the season
Do not play drinking games with your friends unless you absolutely understand the rules-
Five inch heels dont cut it-
A good breeze from off the ocean can mysteriously rip your clothes off-
which leads to finding out that sand is not your friend. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/13/2007 9:41:12 AM | I found this one out last weekend...while  no less...
After be careful....that fuse on that stick of dynamite ain't as long as you actually think it is!
Cheers! | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/13/2007 10:35:59 AM | | Printed (upside down) on the back of a mate's shirt ... the Stella Artois logo, with the caption, "If you can read this, prop me back on my f***ing barstool! I guess he'd learned the hard way. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/13/2007 10:47:26 AM | - Don't drink Tequila with a Latino person. Even if she's 5ft nothing, she'll drink you under the table *and* be the person to come work your shift the next morning while you're at home praying for death.
- Don't go drinking the bar you work at/with people who recognize you from the bar you work at. For some reason people assume bartender=drinks like a fish, and will start buying you the most complicated shooters known to man.
- When your friend is on the dancefloor doing 'The Worm'.... it's time to take her home.
- When you wake from a night of drinking to find yourself in bed naked, you don't remember anything after 10pm, and your roomate tells you that she force-marched you away from the 'freaky guy' to take you home and put you to bed - do her laundry for a week in gratitude. (Considering that my friends had tattoos, piercings,and 'colourful hair'; I *still* shudder to think of what her version of 'freaky guy' was.)
- Alcohol+Cotton Candy+Amusement park rides = Noooooooo. | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/13/2007 9:43:18 PM | | Things I have learnt when I am drunk......Do not start an IV, do not draw blood, do not do CPR, do not operate any electrical machinery ie defibrillator, do not pass go, coz if you do you will fall down!!! lol | |
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/14/2007 2:36:18 PM | Dont surf profiles of people on P O F when your drunk.....you may find somthing best left alone.....I might of met a real ugly girl or it might of been a really pretty monster...
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/15/2007 6:48:09 AM | You are undoubtedly speaking of the beer goggle phenomena. To understand how the Rosie O’Donnel at the next table turned into Rosie Perez, you need to grasp what alcohol does to the brain. After that first drink, strange things start to happen in the noggin, namely:
1.) Dopamine concentration is increased, stimulating the pleasure centers.
2.) Serotonin neurotransmission is decreased. Serotonin is a behavioral inhibitor, it’s the brain’s chemical cop, making you bite your tongue and nod when you actually want to strangle your boss.
3.) Endorphin and enkephalins are released, creating a euphoric effect.
4.) GABA receptors are potentiated, creating an arousal state.
So, after about your fifth drink you will be be feeling euphoric, aroused and uninhibited. You feel confident, your self-esteem is riding high and you not only desire human companionship, you believe you deserve it. Ask any psychologist and he/she will tell you those with high self-esteem tend to think positively of others as well. And that, in addition to your reduced inhibitions (i.e. standards), is why you go home with Perez and wake up with O’Donnel.
Oddly, the beer goggle theorem doesn’t apply equally to both sexes. In a recent study, 46% of men said alcohol makes women appear sexier, but only 13% of women said the same of men.
Huh. Maybe they’re just not drinking enough.
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| Things I've learned while I was drunk....
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:59:12 AM | When on Padre Island, its not cute to throw your brothers $300 fishing pole into the sea because "the darn fish was just too big and ugly and it was gonna eat me!"  | |
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