| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 9/12/2005 4:48:45 PM | ONE FOR THE LADIES...
A woman in her fifties was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for awhile and ask, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues jumping and says, "I don't care. I just had a mammogram and the doctor says I have breasts of an 18yr old!" The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56yr old ass?" "Your name never came up!",she replied.
Bedtime Surprise...
Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray my penis I will keep.
If I wake, and it is gone, I hope I find it on the lawn....
I hope the dog that is running free, doesn't find that part of me.
Many precautions I must take, to keep this part I love to shake.
Much attention I must pay, to assure I put the knives away.
The mower, chainsaw, and the hatchet to. There's no telling what she may do,
To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe away from harm.
So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and cross my legs to avoid surprise...
A poem by: MR. BOBBIT  | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 9/12/2005 5:42:03 PM | A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!!!"   | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 9/13/2005 12:39:34 AM | That's a good one!! but I must admit I like some of the older ones like;
Why did the woman cross the road?........ Forget that!! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How do you drownd a woman?... Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
How do you keep a woman busy? LOOK DOWN
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How do you keep a woman guessing? LOOK UP^
One day Dave and Jon were chillin drinkn some beer. All of a sudden Dave piped up "Hey Jon what's your idea of a perfect night?" Jon replied "Well.... I'd have to say watching football, drinkn a cold one and a bj............. Hey... Describe the perfect women in 10 words or less!"
"4 Feet, Flat Head, No Teeth."
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 9/13/2005 6:09:36 AM | two blonde women are sitting on a bench in california at night, and one says to the other... whats further away, texas or the moon, the other female replied...
"duhhhhhhhhhh you can see the moon cant you!!!!" | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 11:55:21 AM | Don't imagine you can change a man.Unless his in nappies/diapers...
Never let your man's mind wander.It's too little to be out alone..
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? you shut your door..
Go for younger men.You might aswell,as they never mature anyway..
Women do not make fools of men.Most of them are the do-it-yourself types..
Best way to get a man to do something for you.Is to suggest,that they are too old for it...
Men are all the same.They just have different faces,so you can tell them apart..
Define a bachelor.A man who has missed the opportunity,to make some women miserable...
If you want a committed man.Look in a mental hospital...
Love is blind,but marriage is a real eye opener...
If he ever asks what sort of books your intrested in.Tell him checkbooks..
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 yrs.Even in biblical times,men would ask for directions..
Remember having a sense of humour,does not mean that you tell him jokes.It means you just laugh at his...
Sadly,all men are created equal...
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 12:32:04 PM | Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at****ail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 12:52:33 PM | ok you girls asked for it;
This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"
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Q: Why do they give female names to natural disasters?
A: When they come on to you, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, your house is gone, your car is gone, your dog is gone. . .
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Have you heard about the new Barbie doll?
It's called Divorce Barbie. It comes with all Ken's stuff.
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If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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Two men were in a pub. One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"
The other man said, "No! Is it true?"
"Yes, " said the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking cr*p and you drive terribly.
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Brittany was on her deathbed with her husband Adam at her side. "Honey, I need to make a confession." whimpered Brittany groggily, "I slept with your brother, your cousin, and your father."
"It's okay, Sweetie. I know, " replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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It's not that married men live longer than single men. When your married it just SEEMS alot longer.
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Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we care.
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How do you make a woman have an orgasm?? Who cares?
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Why are women like condoms? They spend more time in your wallet than they do on your dlck.
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There is a blond woman walking down the street with a pig under her arm. Suddenly a man stops and her where she won that. The pig replied I won her at the fair.
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Q. What's that useless piece of skin around a p*ssy called?
A. A woman!
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Why do women always watch porns through the end? They are waiting for the wedding to occur.
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What is a woman doing when she stares at a blank piece of paper?
Reading her rights
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Q- why do women have small feet? A-so they can get closer to the sink!
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A plane is about to crash and there's only the pilot and an air hostess aboard. The air hostess runs into the c*ckpit and whilst she's ripping off her shirt she says "make me feel like a woman before i die" and the pilot replies whilst taking off his shirt "iron this then"
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Q) What do Useful Women and Leprechauns have in common?
A) They are only found in folk tales!
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Whats the difference between a ho and a b*tch?
A ho screws everyone, and a b*tch screws everyone but you.
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Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a prostitute? Not much. They both give sex in return for gifts.
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Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?
You can always eat something out of a fridge
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What is the cleverest thing to ever come out of a womans mouth?
Einsteins c*ck. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 1:07:56 PM | Why Beer is Better Then Women
You can enjoy beer all month long.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
Hangovers go away.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never has a headache.
After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime.
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
A beer always goes down easy.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
Beer is always wet.
Beer doesn't demand equality.
You can have a beer in public.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
The Man Poem
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't b*tch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and snurly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to lay you.
I'm rational, reasonable, logical too.
I know what the time is and know what to do.
and I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all b*tchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance, and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man, and not a woman like you! | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 3:21:12 PM | ok lol 
Q:Why are men similar to laxatives?
A:They sure can irritate the shit out of you...
Q:Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
A:So oxygen can get into their brain...
Q:How do men exercise on the beach?
A:By sucking in their beer belly's.Everytime a fine women,in a bikini walks past them...
Q:Why do bankers make good lovers?
A:They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawel...
Q:What are two reason's why men dont mind their own business?
1.No mind
2.No business...
Q:Why is a women different from a pc?
A:A women simply want accept a 3 1/2 floopy...
Q:Why is a man different from a pc?
A:you only have to tell the pc once...
Q:Why dont men have midlife crisis?
A:They stay stuck in adolescence...
Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They cannot stand criticism...
Q:Why are men quite like blenders?
A:You need one but are not quite sure why... | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 7:47:20 PM | What's the difference between a man and a pig?
After a few drinks, the pig doesn't go around acting like a man. 
Why did the man cross the road?
Because he thought the chicken was a slut. (oldie, but a goodie!!) | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:24:35 PM | A man asked his wife how she could be so beautiful and so stupid at the same time. Her reply was, "God made me beautiful so you'd be attracted to me, and stupid so I'd be attracted to you."  | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/7/2005 11:09:09 PM | ok now one for each side
jonney and genny were playin' in the back yard haveing a bragging contest about what they had and could do
after a while jonney whips out his c**k and says you dont have one of those.
distraught jenny runs to her mother and returns a few minutes later smiling.
jonney say " so mom told you it was true eh"
" thats not all " jenney said while dropping her pants. " mom said that because i have one of these i can get as many of those as i like" lol
what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
nothin' she has allready been told twice.
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/8/2005 9:43:15 AM | @crooked smile:
What's the useless piece of skin around the pus*y called...a woman.
Of course, you know, this means WAR!!
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/8/2005 4:05:47 PM | Seeing that I adore being with women.....So sorry fellers I have to be on there side...
1st Woman: My Craig.... said he fantasized about having sex with two women at once.
2nd Woman: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?
1st Woman: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?" | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 10/9/2005 2:44:06 AM | Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?"
Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two balls, one in each hand?
A man's undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get, or how long it'll stay.  | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 2/28/2006 1:00:18 PM | what do you call a woman with two black eyes?
I wouldn't know, after the first one , I hit him so hard with a bat he didn't wake up until halloween, dressed up like a deer sitting on the highway with hit me pinned to his but. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/1/2006 1:13:55 PM | A poem for girls...
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the chequebook, pump my own gas.
I can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles, at any cost.
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date.
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.
And just 'cause I'm assertive, don't call me a ****.
Don't say to your friends, "Oh yeah, I can get her."
In your dreams, my dear, I will do better!
Flowers are okay, but jewellery's best.
Look at me you idiot... not at my chest!!!
I don't have a problem, with expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL, a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN. Get it?, you****?!
~Britt~ | |
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