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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/1/2006 1:18:19 PM | Now who said men are the smartest species?
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
> >>the high desert, an hour east of
> >>Bakersfield, CA, some guys, boating, were having a problem. No
> >>matter how hard they tried, they
> >>couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish
> >>in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how
> >>much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
> >>they putted into a nearby marina, thinking
> >>someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough
> >>topside check revealed everything in
> >>perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up
> >>and down, and the propeller was the
> >>correct size and pitch So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
> >>to check underneath. He came up
> >>choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped
securely in place, was the trailer! | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/1/2006 1:23:23 PM | Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/1/2006 2:38:38 PM | Q. Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
A. He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.
Q. What's the definition of a competitive man?
A. The one who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest!
Q. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A. An insurance company.
Isn't it a shame that God gave men both a brain and a penis, but not enough blood to run both at the same time!
Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Who cares" its not his house any more.
How to impress a woman:
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.
Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.
What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? ... really means, "There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... really means, "without you in it."
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?... really means, "We haven't had a fight in a while."
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... really means, "you cheap slob!"
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ... really means, "I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? ... really means, "I can't believe you have nothing planned!"
COME HERE. ... really means, "My puppy does this, too."
I LIKE YOU, BUT... really means, "I don't like you."
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... really means, "just not in that way."
YOU NEVER LISTEN. ... really means, "You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. ... really means, "I'm not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.... really means, "I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will."
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ... really means, "I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch."
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. .... really means, "We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/1/2006 2:59:23 PM | A woman comes home and says to her husband
"hunny i think i want to get a breast implant"
hubby says"
" why dont you just rub toilet paper between your boobs"
confused the woman askes
"now just how is that going to make my boobs bigger?"
He looks at her and replies
"Hell i dunno how it works ...... But it sure worked for your a$$" | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/1/2006 5:56:40 PM | Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
> > > 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> > > (because they are plugged into a genius)
> > >
> > > 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
> > > (they don't have enough time)
> > >
> > > 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
> > > (they don't stop to ask directions)
> > >
> > > 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
> > > (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor
> > > lock)
> > >
> > > (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
> > >
> > > 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> > > (so they won't hump women's legs at****ails parties)
> > >
> > > 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> > > (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
> > >
> > > 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
> > > (don't know.....it never happened)
> > >
> > > And my personal favorite:
> > >
> > > 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
> > > (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
>
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
__________________________________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
___________________________________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
__________________________________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
__________________________________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
__________________________________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The
wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
_______________________________
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
________________________________
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN.
________________________________
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
________________________________
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
___________________________
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
________________________________
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
_________________________________
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
________________________________
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
________________________________
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
________________________________
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
_______________________________ | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/4/2006 10:16:27 PM | 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/5/2006 9:42:15 AM | Thank you for this righteous curse, oh Lord. I am deserving of your Divine Wisdom, Insperation, and Judgment.
But Lord, if I may, I have a couple of questions.
Why the hell did you punish both of us when the airhead you gave me was the one that started it? Did she have "no-tap-backs", or what?
If I knew what you would have given me for a rib was this, I would have preffered a Frontal Lobotomy...at least I wouldn't care when she was PMS'ing.
And speaking of that...I mean c'mon. Just eww. And thanks for the lust factor for the damn thing...good joke on me.
Had I known you would give me such a wonderous gift, I'm pretty sure I would have chosen to mate with trees, thank you. But again, there is the lust factor.
So they're dumb enough to do anything even You didn't plan for, and we're dumb enough to just follow along behind them drooling.
REAL good plan.
Now...I'm lonely. Send another one my way.
~W.S. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:13:41 PM | Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always screw up.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:53:45 PM | Why is it a bad idea for men to take phone mssages?
They might end up like this: "Someone from the gyna colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is fine. p.s. I thought you didn't like beer?" | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/6/2006 6:55:15 PM | what do a boing 747 and a bleached blonde have in common? thay both have a little black box
what does a crashed 747 and a 400 pound bleached blonde have in common? they still both have a black box but nobody can find it. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/6/2006 8:26:27 PM | this one's kinda long...
a man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ''Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.''
The man said, ''Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.''
The Lord said, ''Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.''
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ''Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.''
The Lord replied, ''You want two lanes or four on that bridge?''
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/6/2006 8:29:24 PM | ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
And one joke that is more generalized:
What is the difference between Rape and Seduction?
Salesmanship. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/15/2006 4:26:27 PM | >THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > 8:15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses.
> > > > >
> > > > > 8:30 - Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday.
> > > > >
> > > > > 8:45 - Breakfast in bed: freshly squeezed orange juice and
> > >croissants.
> > > > > Open
> > > > > presents: expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
> > > > >
> > > > > 9:15 - Soothing hot bath with Frangipani bath oil.
> > > > >
> > > > > 10:00 - Light work out at club with sexy, funny, personal trainer.
> > > > >
> > > > > 10:30 - Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
> > > > >
> > > > > 12:00 - Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
> > > > >
> > > > > 12:45 - Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17
> > > > > pounds.
> > > > >
> > > > > 1:00 -
> > > > > Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
> > > > >
> > > > > 3:00 - Nap
> > > > >
> > > > > 4:00 - Three dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from "Secret
> > > > > Admirer".
> > > > >
> > > > > 4:15 - Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but
> > > > > gentle
> > > > > hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
> > > > >
> > > > > 5:30 - Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe. Parade before
> > > > > full
> > > > > length mirror.
> > > > >
> > > > > 7:30 - Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with
> > >compliments
> > > > > received from other diners/dancers.
> > > > >
> > > > > 10:00 - Hot shower (alone). 10:50 - Carried to bed (freshly ironed,
> > > > > crisp,
> > > > > new, white linen)
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:15 - Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > 6:00 - Alarm
> > > > >
> > > > > 6:15 - Blow job
> > > > >
> > > > > 6:30 - Massive satisfying shit while reading the Sports section.
> > > > >
> > > > > 7:00 - Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
> > >naked,
> > > > > buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
> > > > >
> > > > > 7:30 - Limo arrives
> > > > >
> > > > > 7:45 - Several beers en-route to airport.
> > > > >
> > > > > 9:15 - Flight in personal Lear Jet and renew Mile High Club
> > >membership
> > > > > with
> > > > > all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying
> > >growlers.
> > > > >
> > > > > 9:30 - Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
> > > > >
> > > > > 9:45 - Play front nine - 2 under. 11:45 - Lunch:
> > > > > steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
> > > > >
> > > > > 12:15 - Blow job.
> > > > >
> > > > > 12:30 - Play back nine - 4 under.
> > > > >
> > > > > 2:15 - Limo back to the airport (several bourbons.
> > > > >
> > > > > 2:30 - Fly to Bahamas.
> > > > >
> > > > > 3:30 - Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all
> > >nude
> > > > > who
> > > > > also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
> > > > >
> > > > > 4:30 - Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs.) - on light tackle.
> > > > >
> > > > > 5.00 - Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
> > >(bending
> > > > > over,
> > > > > naturally).
> > > > >
> > > > > 6:45 - Shit, Shower and Shave.
> > > > >
> > > > > 7:00 - Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated.
> > > > >
> > > > > 7:30 - Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
> > >fillet
> > > > > steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
> > > > >
> > > > > 9:00 - Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as
> > >you
> > > > > watch football game.
> > > > >
> > > > > 9:30 - Sex with three women (all with lesbian
> > > > > tendencies...some bending over).
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:00 - Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
> > > > > beer.
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:30 - A night cap blow job.
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:45 - In bed alone.
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:50 - A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the
> > >dog
> > > > > to
> > > > > leave the room.
> > > > >
> > > > > 11:51 - Laugh yourself to sleep.
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/23/2006 7:08:38 PM | 1) Don't imagine you can change a man.....unless he is in diapers.
2) What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?.......Shut the door!
3) If they can put a man on the moon.......they should be able to put them all up there.
4) Never let your man's mind wander.....it's too little to be out alone.
5) Go for younger men....You might as well, they NEVER mature anyways!
6) Men are all the same.....they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7) Definition of a Bachelor: A man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable!
8) Best way to get a man to do something....suggest he is too old for it.
9) Love is blind....but marriage is a real eye-opener.
10) If you want a committed man....look in a mental hospital.
11) If he asks what sort of books you're interested in....tell him cheque books.
12) Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes...it means that you laugh at his.
13) Sadly...all men are created equal.
AND MY FAVORITE BY FAR.......
14) WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN.....MOST OF THEM ARE THE "DO-IT-YOURSELF" TYPES!!! | |
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Gremmy
|
Joined: 5/28/2005
Msg: 73 | |
| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/23/2006 9:45:46 PM | We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
!
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and ! one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. | |
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| JOKES!!! Men vs. Women...Let The Bloodbath Begin!!!
Posted: 3/24/2006 3:12:33 PM | A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does | |
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