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ml456
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Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 576 | |
| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 7:57:26 AM | In the majority of cases that is not true. It's simply about attention and being made to feel special.
I didn't say that was the primary reason for all or most affairs. It is just one of several possible reasons. I have heard stories about men having affairs with much younger women. I wouldn't be surprised if the looks was a factor ( not necessarily the only factor ) in these instances. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:02:54 AM | I have heard stories about men having affairs with much younger women. I wouldn't be surprised if the looks was a factor
And I am telling you that statistics state looks are rarely a factor. Perhaps younger partners may be in "awe" but looks are not the primary motivation, and if they are, they are short-lived.
Stats. I just read 'em.
Men and women get lonely and look for someone that makes them feel special.
Pretty basic, pretty sad. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:12:43 AM | To get what their wife won't give them at home. The first thing that people have to realize is that are visual.
1) Need Visual Stimulation
Why do you think we have sexy lingerie? Sexy comes in all body types and sizes. It's more than just a physical look. It's a type of demeanor.
2) Need emotional stimulation
This comes in the form of some type of respect.
3) Need an acceptance stimulation
This refers to someone who desires you as much as you desire them. I think the best description of this is usually talked about as looking across the room at each other and communicating with your eyes.
I believe that if one or more of the above is missing from a guy's life, you're going to have a possibility of him having an affair.
I think women need more of an emotional connection, but men need that too. We just call it respect. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:23:37 AM | | For the same reasons women do, which generally turn on inattention. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:33:06 AM | Could be that your not keeping him happy , so he goes elsewhere to get satisfied
He may still be young minded & think its cool to have more then 1 partner | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 9:31:00 AM | The answer is very simple. People do what they do (in life) to meet thier needs.
Everyone has different needs (love, house, sex, children, travel, etc.). Everyone's needs are different. Some of those needs are not healthy (low self-esteen so you pick someone who re-inforces that and abuses you).
Another thread asked the question of love versus infatuation. This also comes into play in this question. If you truely love someone, you will ALWAYS consider your actions and how they will affect your partner. If that is not done, then the love is gone (or going).
Ask yourself this. Why do you want to be in a relationship? That will give you an indication of the needs you are trying to meet within yourself. Unless you have a frim understanding of what you want from a relationship, then you are not in a good position to be in one.
The problem is that society pressures people to be in a relationship, even if they are not ready. Some people will never be capable of a healthy relationship.
I have seen mutiple responses where the man is no longer appreciated for what he does. That says that such appreciation is one of THAT man's needs. If that is the case, then the man needs to pick someone who will always meet those needs.
Know yourself, then you can pick the right person, and there will be no need to cheat.
Just remember, some peoples' needs will be such (drama, exhiliration of the chase, etc.) that they will always cheat, since the act of cheating is one of thier needs! | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:01:31 AM | And I am telling you that statistics state looks are rarely a factor. Perhaps younger partners may be in "awe" but looks are not the primary motivation, and if they are, they are short-lived
Where did you get these stats? Just curious. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:07:23 AM | | Men cheat because not even they can have sex with their half ton wife, who used to be 125 lbs when they married. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:08:59 AM | | No excuse for cheating, divorce her and then find a thin woman to have sex with. Her weight has nothing to do with his lack of integrity. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:13:38 AM | Where did you get these stats?
A compilation of studies done by psychologists, psychyatrists and counsellors that broke it down to percentages and has been recently published. One in 2.7 men will cheat and of those in the study only 12% said the woman they cheated with was more attractive than their current partner. Their reasons were more emotional than physical and they were mainly looking for validation and to be made to feel important, successful and interesting.
Sex usually follows.
We all know women cheat too, and the reasons are pretty much the same, but the study I read was only based on men. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:15:16 AM | @ Msg 583: I guess that excuses all the women that have affairs cause it's too hard to trow a leg over the beer gut that suddenly appeared after marriage then?? .. Just wonderin?  Good grief buddy! | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:32:58 AM | Ok , too answer your question why do affairs happen? well its normally because the relationship has got boring with the partner , they are looking for excitement in the relationship, they like their cake and to eat it, they still like to feel like they are single.
The partner cant satisfy their needs., reletionship isnt healthy but they have the security of a homely needs. ie, partner cooks , cleans and washes their clothes.
I also do a little psychology, and body language type stuff too.
hope this helps. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:55:06 AM |
(Msg 561) With all due respect to Oprah and whoever may be the latest love and relations guru, the best book on the subject was written a long time ago--> The Holy Bible.
Let's see what's written there.
I Cor. 7: "[2] Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[3] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[5] Defraud ye not one the other, "
It states " to avoid fornication" (voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other) which certainly encompasses cheating. If more people paid attention to verses 4 & 5 there would be a lot less cheating.
Reasons given such as loneliness. Unappreciated. Ignored. Loss of respect. I don't believe a word of it. 
Our boss may respect us but we're not having sex with him. My neighbor will certainly appreciate me if I loan him/her a garden tool but it definately doesn't ignite feelings of sexual arousal.
If one takes a walk after finishing a large dinner they may pass a restaurant with appetizing pictures of various plates but they don't feel hungry. They are satisfied. The same applies to sex.
When people talk about not being appreciated or a lack of comunication with their partner or not feeling respected it is not those reasons which lead to cheating. Those reasons lead to "I'm tired", "I have a headache", "I'm not in the mood" which results in a lack of sex which then leads to cheating.
Take John and Mary for example. John comes home after working overtime and Mary says, "I didn't feel like making anything for dinner tonight." (John and Mary haven't been getting along all that well lately.) John then decides to go out for something to eat.
Did John go out because Mary ignored him or didn't appreciate him? No, he went out because he was hungry. John and Mary could have been getting along just great and John still may have gone out for something to eat.
Regardless of how one looks at sex it is a natural drive. (Well, unless one requires viagara.)  While there will always be guys who want to put another notch in their bed post most seek sex because there is a lack of it. Of course, it's politically incorrect to say one wanted to get laid so excuses like "not appreciated" and "not respected" are given. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 12:04:36 PM | | The thrill of the chase, someone who will do sexually that their wife will not do, the mistress is there for sex, no responsibilities with his relationship with her. I can only surmise what might be the causes, based on what I have heard women say who had husbands who cheated on them, and I have had my share of married men hit on me. Most have said that they knew I would take them up on it since I was single at my age and glad to get it, (nope, not from a married man), or they liked my body since their wives had bodies shaped nothing like mine. (for some reason some men think that busty women are into having affairs or casual sex more than women who are not well endowed) | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 1:15:53 PM |
(for some reason some men think that busty women are into having affairs or casual sex more than women who are not well endowed) or, perhaps more boob men like extracaricular sexual activities than do leg men?? (both observations are as far fetched as the other) | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 1:17:27 PM | "Why do men have affairs?"
I dont know, why do you like to breathe?  lol | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 4:17:51 PM | I read a study that said, in the majority of extramarital affairs, the *other woman* was generally considered less attractive that the wife by other people (including the cheater.)
Saying men only cheat because of the sex is ridiculous. It takes a special kind of man to destroy an otherwise happy marriage just so he can feel some strange.
In my case, my ex cheated to get an ego boost. He felt as if I settled for him and could do much better, but stayed with him because I was comfortable with him and we had kids together.
So when a woman who I KNOW he wouldn't have found attractive under different circumstances showed him some genuine interest, he went for it. It made him feel wanted and attractive. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 5:35:09 PM |
(Msg 595) Saying men only cheat because of the sex is ridiculous. It takes a special kind of man to destroy an otherwise happy marriage just so he can feel some strange.
It's not the only reason but it is the main reason. Again, it's not just to feel some strange. It's to have sex.
In my case, my ex cheated to get an ego boost. He felt as if I settled for him and could do much better, but stayed with him because I was comfortable with him and we had kids together.
I don't understand why a guy would seek sex elsewhere if he felt he had a better gal than he deserved unless that was the vibes the gal was sending. What guy would dump, say, a gorgeous movie star/model if that gal showed she wanted to be with him?
I'm not saying I don't believe you. What I am questioning is your Ex's mental state. It's not rational. If anything, it would cause one to feel special.
In my case I was a blue collar worker. My sweety has a university degree and made considerable more money than I did at my job. (Although my speculation/investments were quite profitable.) Furthermore, she is nine years younger, never married, no children while I'm divorced and have children. She is bi-lingual. Her family is well-to-do.
Considering all the above the last thing I would need is an ego boost. I don't understand how anyone, in a similar position, would require an ego boost assuming the desire for each other was real and one wasn't treated as an inferior.
So when a woman who I KNOW he wouldn't have found attractive under different circumstances showed him some genuine interest, he went for it. It made him feel wanted and attractive.
That's my point. Why didn't he feel wanted and attractive....feel genuine interest from you? It doesn't sound like all he wanted was an ego boost. It sounds like there were serious problems, at least in his mind. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 5:50:52 PM | Howdy Dave
I don't understand why a guy would seek sex elsewhere if he felt he had a better gal than he deserved unless that was the vibes the gal was sending. What guy would dump, say, a gorgeous movie star/model if that gal showed she wanted to be with him?
I'm not saying I don't believe you. What I am questioning is your Ex's mental state. It's not rational. If anything, it would cause one to feel special.
Well tell that to Shania Twain. I mean, what man as homely as Mutt Lange would give up that beauty for Marie Ann Thiebaud? Google this chick. She is so fugly that when she was born her incubator was tinted. But with a name like Mutt she knew he was a Dog when she married him.
Opportunity is the word. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 5:59:54 PM | | my ex always told me that he has low self esteem and didn't feel worthy of me. he felt that i was too good for him. he also was extremely paranoid that i would leave him for another man so he had to make sure that he was """"THE FIRST"""" in the relationship to destroy our marriage so that he could feel better about himself. somewhere in his warped mind, not making our marriage work and sabatoging it was the answer to his insecurities and not feeling worthy of the happiness that the stability and love of our family could have offered him. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:00:07 PM | ~OT~ I rarely watch Oprah, but I do know this particular author, so I did watch this episode. “The Truth About Cheating” (Gary Neuman). He's convinced and convinced me, that the cliche "it's about the sex" isn't the truth. It's also interesting that those he interviewed all agreed that often times the mistress wasn't as attractive or more attractive than their spouse. (I've never been convinced it was sex or appearance that captured my ex's attention ~ I think it was exactly what is stated below.)
In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat—and most of their wives will never know about it.
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What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex. "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20080827_tows_cheating/1
The link has the interview in it’s entirety and I think you can still download the entire book for free (not certain on that however, I downloaded it the day the show aired.)
(And yes, he’s got a book out about women who cheat ~ the show hasn’t aired to my knowledge, however.)  | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:16:26 PM | The easy answer is the same reason women may cheat. But since this isn't about women I'll make this exception just once. Hmm should I post one why do women cheat and compare and contrast the two? Sorry thinking out loud lol.
But I agree with some of the posters (sorry I've not read all the pages) that men may cheat because they want to feel that spark, want to feel needed, want to feel something. Maybe they are mistreated by their wife. I mean not physically but emotionally. Their wife may always demand this and that with nothing in return. I mean think of it this way I've heard many of time that a man does not appreciate what the wife does for him.
IE (this is just a easy example to compare, nothing more DO NOT READ INTO THIS)
A woman cooks, cleans, wakes up the kids, etc. The man comes home and gets mad because dinner is not ready when he got home. So the wife would feel under appreciated that she does all that for him but never gets to go out with friends, a night to herself or even a night with her husband. So she may cheat to feel that appreciation or even a spark.
Lets flip the coin. The man works all the time 10 and 12 hour shifts makes decent money enough that the wife does not have to work. But he all the time is almost falling over new clothes and shoes, etc. Well one day he surprises her and takes a day off, she gets furious that he is not at work making that money. Not happy to see him even after never seeing him but for a few hours a night. Well he feels under appreciated also. Feels like he is just a pay check and means nothing to her. So he may go and cheat with someone that "values" his time with them. Can't wait to see him again.
I mean imo both could be possible stories. Both are basically the same just changed gender roles. Neither are a "excuse" to cheat I think that people should at least have the respect for one another to work it out then if it doesn't and they split up (after a divorce also) then and only then should they start seeing other people.
The whole problem I have with cheating is that they have no respect for the other person. I've seen it my entire life, I don't feel like I need to give personal examples. So I won't but its a lack of respect and loyalty to the other person wither it is the MAN or the WOMAN cheating. No matter what the circumstances are.
Best of luck | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:28:25 PM | The funny thing is - its also stated that women are more likely to have an affair than a man.
As for why a man cheats LOOKS is not one of the reasons - and its not the idea of SEX because as most men feel its actually 'awe were married access to sex whenever we like'
Its actually really simple - having done a hugeee project on this in Uni - I'll tell you why men and women cheat ...
Men - Cheat just because adventure + danger - its a result of becoming bored, too stable, falling into a path that locks them in makes them predictable - no surprises you know what you get. The interesting thing is whenever a man does cheat he subconciously wants it to be with someone 'in some way related to the wife/gf' not by relatives or family, I mean maybe through 5-6 people they would know each other the wife/gf and the cheatee ... lol
Because its a subconcious way of telling themselves 'we still are dominant and in power' even though we're married, tied down, with kids, for 20 years... It goes back to primal times - males had multiple partners - its hardwired into them from prehistoric times...
Women - are a totally different thing - they wont cheat for money, looks, adventure or anything - they simply will cheat for (how this other man makes them feel... deep inside) - special, sexy, makes them want to go wild, makes them imagine things clearly in their minds... its much deeper why women do it - but both sexes have their reasons... | |
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