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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 7/17/2009 11:42:43 PM | So munchkin6 women have affairs because....
'A. They are fundamentally immature and B. They are inherently GREEDY and want the cream cake, for sure, but they also want the chocolate cake too and can see no reason why they shouldnt have both. They lack any real feeling and have no dignity or self respect and certainly no respect for their original 'partner'? | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:05:06 AM | So munchkin6 women have affairs because....
'A. They are fundamentally immature and B. They are inherently GREEDY and want the cream cake, for sure, but they also want the chocolate cake too and can see no reason why they shouldnt have both. They lack any real feeling and have no dignity or self respect and certainly no respect for their original 'partner'?
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Sounds like a woman that used me. Very, very much so.
lol | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:12:18 AM | | Ultimately it begins with lack of affection from their spouse. Why do some men have affairs and others don't? Some finally get fed up and make the decision to find acceptance in the arms of another. Some men look for sex outside of marriage simply because they are bored. I have a friend like that and he is always hitting on me. It's horrible but it happens. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:20:53 AM | Men have affairs for the same reason women do....because they get bored and take each other for granted. I don't think humans were meant to be monogomous creatures anyway.
It's an easy explanation...Couples get married...the honeymoon phase passes...we get more comfy with each other...losen up on taking care of ourselves...then kids come along... we become stressed and exhausted...eventually lose our patience with each other ....then all hell breaks loose. We stop appreciating each other and before you know it...we start looking for someone that will. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 7/18/2009 5:04:50 AM | I have never appreciated the thought that therewould be a reason for me to want to have an affair. I always figured that when a SO gets to the point of me wanting another man, I dump the SO, take a break, and find another man.
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:22:08 AM | Men who cheat are typically commitment phobic,narcissistic,passive aggressive with Madonna/Whore complexes.Some are simply sex addicts who can't handle intimacy.If you google any one of these terms you will find the definition and the reality of why men have affairs.
http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html
Commitment phobic men are tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships. In relationships they create great confusion, havoc, pain, and anguish as their behaviours are often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre.
These types of men can make women who are saints turn into mad women, as they play games with their minds and their hearts.
Commitment phobic men may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:
1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
4. They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
6. These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
7. Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
8. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
9. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
10. They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
11. They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
13. Commitment phobics behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
14. They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
15. They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
16. They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
17. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
18. They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
19. They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
20. They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
The Casanova Complex
http://soundingcircle.com/newslog2.php/__show_article/_a000195-000673.htm
Writer Peter Trachtenburg surveyed many men who admitted to having
affairs and came up with patterns of emptiness in men who could not be
faithful. The Casanova Complex of having affairs is more than a way
of acting sexually--it is sexual addiction where a major portion of
time the man's time is spent thinking about and pursuing sexual
activities. Trachtenburg, who says he has this disorder says, "Any
behavior that is used to anesthized pain is likely to become
addictive." The need to womanize is a disorder of the feelings
characterized by a man's compulsive and addictive--pursuit and
abandonment of women or by symbolic flight through infidelity and
multiple relationships."
The man who has sexual addiction cannot allow feeling the deep pain
within and his primary drug of choice becomes women. In this sexual
addiction, the man sees women as good and bad--Madonna's and whores.
In the chase of the new partner, he longs for the good mother. As the
relationship cools, she becomes the castrating mother. After the
chase and catch, he must discard her when the threat to himself
becomes too great as he cannot deal with intimacy. Ongoing affairs
are a pattern of conquering and manipulating women.
According to Trachtenburg, there is an underlying personality
disorder of narcissism in these men. In the early years there may
have been a devouring, nonnuturing, rejecting mother and an
ineffectual, emotionally distant father. The child's ego splits into
two parts: (1) A false self which meets the parent's approval because
the child is complaint and becomes a little adult meeting the demands
of the dysfunctional system. (2) The true self of the child gives up
and is withdrawn inward.
As the boy grows up he seeks girls and women with haste and an
intense courtship. Men with sexual addictions can be very charming,
highly romantic and are masters of instant intimacy. This instant
intimacy makes the woman feel special, singled out and valued giving
them a rush... The hurry gives the man a relationship rush. The man
needs to cement the liaison quickly as he knows that the "bloom" will
fade soon. There is emotional fusion due to sharing the erotic
excitement and the pseudo-opening of the self.
The man sets up a dependence on the woman for nurturance, acceptance
and excitement. His relationship with the primary woman (usually his
wife) in his life becomes symbiotic. He fears fusion or being sucked
into the woman. Affairs are seen as the means of escaping commitment
and the sense of being smothered and consumed by the wife. There may
be fear of his becoming femininized so he must act out sexually to
prove his masculinity. The man flees intimacy and he is frightened of
vulnerability. He is afraid of being truly himself with another human
being. He is incapable of being himself and has a damaged capacity
for connecting on a deep level in a long term relationship. Intimacy
feels like being devoured by the woman. He feels invaded, possessed.
Normal requests by the woman are seen as demands. The man must
withdraw quickly to protect his fragile ego so that he does not get
burned, leaving behind a string of broken hearts.
You asked....lol
I think they ahve STRONG Narcissistic traits that include Entitlement issues and fear of commitment and issues with women in general thanks to thier past relationships with thier MOTHERS. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:25:30 AM | http://www.gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html
Cakeman
Dr. Roger A. Rhoades
There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth.
Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel they have been driven to an affair by their wives. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation.
As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways.
It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons.
They want to have someone to have their babies.
They want to fit in with other people in their social circle.
They want to have someone to be at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents.
They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them.
No matter what the reason, some men do not get in a marriage to be faithful. These men see their wives as the next step on the ladder of adulthood. They have become unable or unwilling to keep up the pace of single life, but do not want to give up the thrill of the chase.
These men are what I call Cakemen.
Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time.
They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women.
They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered.
If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled.
In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world.
If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this.
On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend.
One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship.
When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility.
Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else.
In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship.
The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player.
When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service.
In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time.
One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man.
He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts.
The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net.
Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it.
This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack.
If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping.
It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage.
When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him.
The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation.
Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman.
These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job.
Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives.
Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication.
The best advise is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act.
The emotional stability you save might be your own!
© Copyright 1999, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:44:41 PM | | Can't speak for anyone else here. All I can say is that my wife is disabled. Last time we were able to be intimate was sometime in 1998. Been a long dry spell. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:37:05 PM | | Bandito: That's right on the money. It's what I like to call "grass is greener" syndrome. Women are NEVER satisfied and always want what is unattainable at the time where men are more happy being in the "comfort zone" when they've been with someone a long time. You couple that with the ADD lifestyle that women have become accustomed to and the media constantly telling everyone they deserve better and it's a no win situation for the guy who's genuinely in it for the long haul. I'm starting to think a serious "long haul" woman doesn't exist anymore. Nothing makes me leave a relationship. I'd work on it until I drew my last breath, unfortunately I've yet to find a woman that has my level of committment. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:44:29 PM |
That's why the majority on here are separated and divorced with kids,confused of where they were and unsure of which direction they are going...many with no knowledge of who they are or what they want.Always putting good men down,when most are at fault for their own choices/mistakes/imperfections and having failed many times...materialistic with no idea what real affection/romance/love is and seeking things that are basically unimportant.Chasing fantasies because living reality is difficult and many can't handle the pressures of being genuine.
Oh but? all the men here are perfect???
please.
get a grip.
that goes double for you cw. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:56:38 PM | | Actually, Bandito, I think you could replace the word "women" with "men" in Michelle Langley's scenario and it would still apply. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:01:26 PM | OP your question is too gender specific, truth is both men and women have affairs.
They do cuz they are selfish; the only person they truly love and care for in the universe is them and themselves. Plain and simple. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:58:39 PM | | Because we don't love you anymore and are tired of your bullshit but maybe just maybe want to keep you as a backup lay or are stuck if there's kids involved and don't feel like giving you the house that we paid for the last 15 years. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:31:18 AM | | Because you can, I think right here is the answer and will always be the anwser when it comes to a man, men cheat and or have affairs as their options may allow them to have. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:42:30 AM | | Is response to the aboVe poster so can women but the problem I think is people take each other for granted and are unwilling to work at a relationship and communicate one person gets lazy the Other gets frustrated and moves on but still keeps the backup in case they change or the love and loyalty(frienship) wAs never there. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:41:23 AM | With men:
It deals with the psychological need for "acceptance".
You may be "with" someone, but in all reality, you might not "accept" them.
For who they truly are.
Basically the different between good "love" and mediocre. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:45:35 AM | Reckless: No one said anyone was "perfect". If you stopped sucking up to the women with the whole "white knight" routine and actually read you'd see that. Don't say you aren't doing it either becuase there was an entire article about men cheating and a lot of man bashing and I didn't read any posts where you were bothering to defend men AT ALL. You should grow a set because the whole "quote then make a ridiculous zinger" routine is getting old fast.
Men cheat as well but it's usually not because they always think the grass is greener. I don't think there's as much life changing thought put into it. They're acting stupid as well but don't have the entitlement mentality that women have. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:58:25 AM | | The question OP like some are saying is WHY DO PEOPLE NEED TO CHEAT not just men because women has affairs as well and thats a loaded question thats one sided that you have to admit. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:07:57 AM | Men cheat as well but it's usually not because they always think the grass is greener. I don't think there's as much life changing thought put into it. They're acting stupid as well but don't have the entitlement mentality that women have
Men cheat because the other woman is NOT you. She can be less attractive, have less going for her and be worse in bed and men will still cheat! Why? Because she is NOT you. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:11:12 AM |
If you're a male, like most other males, you would probably never suspect that your partner is cheating, not only because of your wife’s or girlfriend’s seeming disinterest in sex; but also because you have the belief that your wife or girlfriend is a “good girl.” Unfortunately, males are frequently left/divorced by their wives and girlfriends without ever knowing about their wives' and girlfriends' infidelities.
This paragraph is so good and true that it deserves to be mentioned again!! | |
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| Why do men/women have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:22:53 AM | cw35 said:
Bandito: That's right on the money. It's what I like to call "grass is greener" syndrome. Women are NEVER satisfied and always want what is unattainable at the time where men are more happy being in the "comfort zone" when they've been with someone a long time. You couple that with the ADD lifestyle that women have become accustomed to and the media constantly telling everyone they deserve better and it's a no win situation for the guy who's genuinely in it for the long haul. I'm starting to think a serious "long haul" woman doesn't exist anymore. Nothing makes me leave a relationship. I'd work on it until I drew my last breath, unfortunately I've yet to find a woman that has my level of committment.
This post really caught my eye... I have the same saying of men... "grass is greener" complex.. I could say many of the same things about many men I have run into - and no, I have yet to meet one who is as dedicated to a relationship as I am. For me, I tell a man upfront that I don't take relationships lightly.... and I have NEVER cheated on a partner.... although I have many who thought I did.... why? ... because my friends are about 50/50 on the male/female split. I too have yet to find a man that has my level of commitment..... so I would say that most of your post is not gender specific..... but obviously, you aren't dating men, so your experience is limited to women.
Bandito said:
That's why the majority on here are separated and divorced with kids,confused of where they were and unsure of which direction they are going...many with no knowledge of who they are or what they want.Always putting good men down,when most are at fault for their own choices/mistakes/imperfections and having failed many times...materialistic with no idea what real affection/romance/love is and seeking things that are basically unimportant.Chasing fantasies because living reality is difficult and many can't handle the pressures of being genuine.It's easy to call others mad/bitter/angry for speaking the truth,yet many are because of their own guilt for being that way and all you have to do is meet them to understand their views on relationships carry no true value.A minority are good women however,still they are over-shadowed by the clones who want to hide the fact they may be worse then men and really don't have much to offer.
The same could be said for this post - I could say the very same things about men. Many men have not gotten over the women who have hurt them, so they take it out on all women.... and are often only looking for the next bed-warmer (see "grass is greener" complex, above). The only difference between that and the materialistic women is what they are seeking out.... and to be honest, many of these "grass is greener" people are addicted to the thrill of the chase... the only difference is what they are chasing.
There is a minority of good people out there - it is not a gender thing..... and unfortunately, the good ones often get over-looked because they aren't rich enough or go to bed soon enough. I know many people of both genders who would fit into that category. You got it right Bandito when you said, "If you meet a good one...keep her...you'll be stupid if you don't!".... only I would change the "her" to "them."
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:43:35 AM | People have affairs Psychology because they need to be punished
People having affairs should be shunned for 1 month and not allowed to see their children unless
they have a promised time set up and it should be supervised.Next time it is 1 years etc.
There should be a law against it and you have to pay the other person money. Even if you poor you have to take a job to do it. If you rich the partner get to take something you will value besides money. I know children should be allowed to see both parents
but the cheater maybe cheating with someone who in the children life and if that relationship stops fails may takes it out on the children. If there are consequence maybe people will get out of the relationship or simply not do it. Maybe the other partner should suggest the punishment besides the money. Maybe even an affairs
jails called the Cheaters jail . I never did it and never will because a relationship is something very important and you have work on it all the time. | |
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| Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:02:11 PM | For every action there is a reaction and so on and so forth.
Any person who feels threatened by another will act upon those feelings (a reaction). That action will cause another reaction/action in the other person but both parties will be held accountable for their OWN actions. Any outside threat that can bring harm to the "self" allows a person to protect themselves but any threat we inflict upon others will be the burdens we bear.
Why do men/women cheat? There must of been a threat but that reaction/action itself is an infliction upon another. And what about the one who was cheated on? If they don't forgive, they're also inflicting a threat, out of revenge.
So where does it stop? Right where you stand. How does it stop? By your choice. You can start a new action/reaction. You can stop inflicting and/or start forgiving.
I believe we all have this ability and we can choose whatever we think we deserve. But remember, we have to give our deservings. We don't take them.
Those are my thoughts on why m....me....me....people cheat. : ) | |
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