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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 51 | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/1/2005 11:05:10 AM | wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly
replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving with you in the car."
Ok its not a british joke but i thought it was funny! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/2/2005 1:03:39 AM | Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered
her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you
were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays
sound
mindedness. The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hanged
himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead" Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up there to dry.
How
soon can I go home?" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:13:30 AM | WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" A Store Asst asked, after folding items A woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet The Asst noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" asked The Asst. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/4/2005 6:18:12 PM | An elderly couple are showing some of the inevitable signs of aging (no - not those ones ! they're getting a bit hard of hearing!). The husband thinks his wife's hearing is deteriorating badly, so he asks the doctor for help. "You need to assess how bad her hearing is" says the doctor "wait until she has her back to you, and then say something softly from across the room, and see if she responds. If not move a bit closer and say it again. If she still doesn't hear, get closer still uintil she can hear you, and then come back and tell me how near you had to be to get a response".
So the husband waits until his wife is at the kitchen sink, and he stands on the other side of the room and says "What's for supper dear?" - no response, so he moves closer and repeats "what's for supper dear?". Still no response, so he moves right up behind her and asks "what's for supper dear?".
The wife turns round and says "for the third time, we're having shepherds pie, are you getting deaf or something" !! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/4/2005 7:23:12 PM | have you heard that saddam is asking for the same jury as micheal jackson had. he said, if micheal can get away with what he done then he can get away with anything. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/5/2005 7:26:51 AM |  I thought you may like this version of "I Will Survive"
At first I was afraid, I was petrified, when you said you had 10 inches Lord I almost died, but I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a big Mac and you've bought me a french fry, I should have known that it was bullsh*t, just a sad pathetic dream, should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans. Go on now go, walk out the door, don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4, weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out, don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count. Chorus: I will survive, I will survive, Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive, I will always have good sex with a handful of latex, I will survive, I will survive... hey hey. It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing short and proud, But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed. Go on now go, walk out the door, don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4, weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out, don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count. (Chorus) | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 2:22:47 AM | two peanuts walking down the road.....one was assaulted.
what do you get if you sit in a freezer?......iced buns.
Knew an amazing magician once, He walked down the high street and turn himself into a bar!
what does a nun do after having sex?.....she lights up a candle!!!!
Well, you cant say I didnt try!!!! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 5:23:11 AM | What is brown and sticky?
A stick. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 8:48:47 AM | A man phones in sick to work. His boss is slightly annoyed with him and asks "Well how sick are you?"
"Well I am in bed with my sister," he replies. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 10:03:48 AM | President Bush visits a fourth grade classroom where they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy.' So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'."
"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"Nope," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. "Well," Bush asks, "isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'."
"Excellent!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either." | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 10:10:39 AM | Bill and Ben were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find
the height of the flagpole," said Bill, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ben shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde!
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 1:59:25 PM | Bill and Ben walk into a pub,
go up to the bar and Ben says "flobble yobble wobble",
and Bill says "it's ok Ben, I'll order these, you're pissed". | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 2:17:21 PM | Iraqi Freedom fighters have captured Saddam Hussein near Tikrit.
They offered him to the USA for the $25m reward.
But Chelsea are reported to have bid $27m. | |
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| Some good early morning jingoism
Posted: 10/12/2005 11:36:00 PM | Some good early morning jingoism.....
Following recent events in London the French
government announced
yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are"Surrender" and
"Collaborate".
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their
military.
Updates from elsewhere around Europe
The Italians have increased their alert level from
"shouting excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing".
Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans have also increased their alert state
from "disdainful arrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching
songs".
They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "isolationism"
to "find somewhere ripe for regime change".
Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the
world" and "ask the British for help".
Finally here in the UK we've gone from "pretend
nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea".
Our higher levels are"chin-up and remain cheerful" and "win". | |
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| Some good early morning jingoism
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:59:32 AM | What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in n out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert? | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:42:34 PM | The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend,
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches
abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love
with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles
of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure
ecstasy".
The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I
get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on da curtain. She
hits da fockin' roof. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:44:06 PM | The Readhead
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me".
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you"?
"Well, no" she says. "I'm actually a blonde".
"I thought so," the doctor says.
>
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"Y our finger is broken!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:45:19 PM | Sue Ellen, a blonde Texan city girl,
marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the
cows the rancher says to Sue Ellen, "The artificial
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of
our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four
just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Sue Ellen takes him down the barn.
They walk along long row of cows and when she sees
the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he googled to think just might be
another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this
is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Sue Ellen explains.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:48:42 PM | Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a
straight row, totally nude, in
a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his
weenie & they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of
them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of
spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first
candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response
from all the priests
until she got to the final priest,
Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it flew
off, clattering across the
ground & laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came to rest & bent
over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring.... | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:53:37 PM | The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
asked
the question, "When you die and go to heaven...which part of your body goes
first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of
you, and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think it is your legs."
"Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the
other
night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh
God,
I'm coming. If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted. | |
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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 73 | |
| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 6:03:24 PM | what is a woman favourite chocolate
twix she gets two fingers inside her | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 6:04:24 PM | | pmsl thats rude! or a kitkat, and sometimes u get four! | |
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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 75 | |
| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 6:21:39 PM | | ouch glad im male lol... | |
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lol sarah great one
