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| british jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 6:27:05 PM | we girls dont complain! | |
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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 77 | |
| british jokes
Posted: 10/27/2005 4:00:39 AM | who was the first person to sing
SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES??
joan of arc.. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/27/2005 5:35:24 AM | An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!" | |
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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 79 | |
| british jokes
Posted: 10/28/2005 8:22:15 AM | new goverment health warning
it has been dicovered that sex can make you gain weight
3months a slight bulge can be noticed
5moths conciderbly noticable and back pain is felt
7 months a large bulge is there
9 months hospitalised for a few days | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 8/16/2007 8:18:49 AM | A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for £88."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, That sounds like a Visa card" says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is No way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £117.00 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't You tell me it was on sale for £88. How did you get to £117.00?"
"Well!" he replies, "The rod and reel is £88.00, the Duck Caller is £22.00 and the Fish Bait is £7.00." | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 8/16/2007 9:48:32 AM | An englishman , Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar..
Barman says
"is this a joke"
Obviously as this is too short to post i shall keep you entertained with a littly tap dance
tap de tap tap tap de tap...
Thankyou. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 8:08:27 AM | Three men are sitting in room smoking cannabis. After a few spiff's they run out of gear one of the men stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my specialty spliff's." Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, "So what was he doing then - Cannabis?" "Well sort of", replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff." "Oh" replies the doctor, "so what did you put in it?" "Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other spices" comes the answer. The doctor sighs,"Well that explains it he'll be here for 3 weeks before he wakes up" "Why, what's wrong with him?" asks one of the men.
The doctor replies,
"He's in a korma".  | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 8:13:38 AM | The joy of Farting This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him
to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:32:16 AM | | this young lad burst into the house and said i wish i d been shot into space his dad says if i ant av been pissed you would have been | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:44:07 AM | A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies." | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:45:13 AM | My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he?ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super.?
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn?t moved a muscle. ?Perhaps you didn?t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.?
She calmly turned her head and said, ?In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.? To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ?Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I?m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch.? | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:52:24 AM | Two packets of crisps were walking along the road. A passing car stopped and the driver asked if they would like a lift.
"No thanks," said the crisps, "we're Walkers. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 9:59:54 AM | An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 10:06:50 AM | | There was a man I knew kept feeling happy at all his suicide attempts. One day he jumped infront of a train and finally succeeded. I would imagine he's quite chuffed to bits now................ | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 10:51:16 AM | A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. ?Dey makes you wild at sex.?
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn?t need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, ?How could sandals make you into a sex freak?? The Jamaican replied, ?Just try dem on, Mon.? So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn?t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican?s hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, ?You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!? | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 11:10:28 AM | a guy knocks on the door of a house with a sign in the window saying dog for sale £10
the house owner opens the door, invites him into the living room telling him to make himself comfy and get aquainted to the dog whilst he makes coffee.
as the host goes into the kitchen the guy sits down and the dog says
"hello"
the startled guys say "what!........you can talk?"
the dog nods and says "well of course i can.......i've also won crufts 4yrs on the run, i was head sniffer dog at heathrow airport, i worked in austria for a while teaching st bernards how to track survivors buried in the snow, i taught the terrier to say sausages on that's life, i've done varied tv and stage work, and i've just gained a degree in canine phsycology."
at that point the host returns and the guy excitedly says "i have to have that talking dog......he's travelled, educated, intelligent and talented..........i just have to have him........but why are you letting him go for only £10?"
to this the guy replies
"because he's a f*ckin liar!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 11:15:55 AM | A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem?” “I’m out of gas,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,” said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow!” the man exclaimed, “what did you put in my gas tank”?
bp answered the bee | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 11:30:42 AM | What has thomas the tank engine and Bob the builder got in common?
Their middle names. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/20/2007 2:33:52 PM | | I was a bit depressed last night so I rang the samaritans. I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them i was a bit suicidal, they got all excited and asked if i could fly a plane!! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/27/2007 11:11:53 AM | A guy is speeding down the outside lane of the M1 motorway. A patrol car spots him and with a blue light and siren pulls him over into the hard shoulder.
Ok sir, the officer says; we just clocked you doing 110 mph. Whats your name please.
To which the driver says ; its Wankbrake, Officer sir.
The officer wasnt amused and asked him again for his real name but the driver was adamant.
Ok! the officer says ; where do you work i'm going to ring up and double check to make sure you are who you claim and that you ACTUALLY work there!
The driver says; I work for Ball and Ball Bearings....and duly gave the officer the number.
The officer got on his phone and rang .........
Good morning this is Ball and Ball Bearings, Steve here, how may i help?
The officer replied; Hello this is Officer Smith, do you have a Wankbrake there by any chance?
To which the man on the phone replied........
Wankbrake????????????? we dont even get a blinking tea break!
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/27/2007 1:08:27 PM | hey pet, that joke about the old lady sounds like where i work.
i'm new here so be gentle with me | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:46:30 AM | A gap year student starts work at Marwell Zoo. The head keeper gives him the first job of the morning - to feed some very rare finches in the aviary. As he is feeding them, they all turn belly up and die. 'Oh no' he thinks, its my first day and I've killed these birds.' In case he gets found out he takes all the dead finches to the lions den and throws them in. The lions eat them.
The next morning the student is given the task of cleaning out the primate cages. He accidently knocks over one of the climbing frames, killing two chimpanzee's stone dead. 'Oh no' he says, its only my second day and I've killed two chimpanzee's.' He drags them to the lions den to hide the evidence, throws them in and the lions eat them.
The following morning his task is to count the number of African Honey Bee's in the insect house. While counting them, he treads on the hive killing the Queen and all the little worker bee's. 'Oh no' he says, 'I've killed all these bees and its only my third day. Unless I can hide the evidence, I'll be sacked.' So he scoops up all the dead bees and takes them to the lions den and empties them in. The lions eat the lot.
That afternoon a new lion arrives at Marwell Zoo and when introduced into the den, says to the Alpha Male, 'Gosh, its nice in here. Whats the food like?'
The alpha male lion says ' bloody excellent mate, in the the last three days, we've had Finch, Chimps and Mushy Bee's'. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 2:00:29 AM | a prostitute has 2 tattooes... one on each thigh....one of John Terry and the other of Frank Lampard.
Whilst 'entertaining' a client one evening, he notices these tattoes and comments on how much he likes them.
'ah, she says, but do you know who they are?
he looks and says 'i think the one on the left is Frank Lampard, the one on the right is John Terry.. and the one in the middle with the curly hair and thick lips is Sean Wright Phillips!''
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 6:58:07 AM | *What a Winker*
George had gained an interview for a new job at a top City company, but unfortunately, he had a problem with one of his eyes - it winked constantly.
"we'd love to take you on" said the managing director, "but that winking is too distracting."
"Wait! i can make it stop by taking two aspirin" said George.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a dozen condom packets and placed them on the desk before finding two aspirin. He took the tablets and winking instantly stopped.
"Thats all well and good" said the MD "But we don't condone womanizing here."
"No, no. you've got it all wrong" said George "Have you ever asked for aspirin at the chemists while winking?" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 6:59:32 AM | *The Frustrated Grandmother*
Patrick is walking down the stret when he notices his Grandfather sitting on his porch, in a rocking chair - with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa," He asks, "Why are you sitting out here half nude?"
The old man looked at him sheepishly.
"Well," he said "Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea" | |
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