|
|
|
|
|
| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:00:36 AM | *A step too far*
A voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist, who tells her to undress at once. After she's disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman,
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says "You're checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalitties."
"That is correct" says the lecherous doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes" she says. "You're getting herpes." | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 7:02:13 AM | *The lustful woman*
One day, a big breasted, attractive young lady is sitting on the bus. when a good looking fellow gets on and sits opposite her. Attarcted to him, she starts smiling flirtatiously. Yet to no avail. The man ignores her. Surprised and frustrated, the young woman unbottons her blouse further to reveal her bounteous cleavage and hitches her skirt up to show her stocking tops. However, there is still no reaction.
Frustrated beyond belief, she tries a last ditch attempt to capture his attention: she whips off her knickers, jumps onto his seat and straddles his face. Showing the first signs of emotion, the man smiles and shouts out.
"i may be blind, but i know that smell anywhere - it's Grimsby, my stop!" | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 9/28/2007 12:06:10 PM | A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right
now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit yourself when I tell you the price." | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:51:48 AM | One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!” | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:58:13 AM | Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interstingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than spending a few days away from home (plus it’s a great time to clean the house). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is for your and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it during your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at all times without any strings attached. What this probably means is that you do not love your husband as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I’m not sure I understand your problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal. | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/1/2007 5:34:10 PM | Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell:
Catholicism: if sh*t happens, I deserve it.
Protestantism: sh*t won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: why does this sh*t always happen to me?
Buddhism: when sh*t happens, is it really sh*t?
Islam: if sh*t happens, blame the infidels.
Hinduism: this sh*t happened before.
Hare Krishna: sh*t happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh*t! 
It PAYS to Pay attention:
"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical
students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that
you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger
into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of
them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:
I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger." | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/2/2007 12:32:01 PM | THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history...................... | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:26:15 PM | The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.) | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:27:00 PM | Why Men Are Happier!
Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost £5000. 00 A tuxedo rental - 100 quid
Men can open all their own jars. | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 5:04:22 AM | whats yellow and lives on dead beetles ?
yoko ono | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 5:44:11 AM | I slip my mouth around it,
And suck it til i'm high,
And when the white stuff comes in my mouth,
I suck the fecker dry...............................................................................................
CADBURY'S CREME EGGS, HOW DO YOU EAT YOURS?!!!!!! | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 6:00:48 AM | The other day I went into town to shop at Woolworth's. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break".
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a ****head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 5 minutes. The more I abused him, the more he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 8:53:05 AM | A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!". | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 8:59:25 AM | I'm not a virgin
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 9:10:08 AM | A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."
Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor.
The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?"
The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell."
The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"
The man said, "Sure, I love to drink."
The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"
The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."
The counselor replied, "You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?"
The man said, "Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled."
The counselor replied, "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"
The man said, "Yes, I love to gamble."
The counselor replied, "You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night--black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?"
The man said, "Well, no I'm not."
The counselor replied, "Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you! | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 12:03:02 PM | Confession
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now" | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 12:04:10 PM | A Ride Home
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But wheres his wheelchair?" | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 12:05:15 PM | Surprise The Wife
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish
The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.
The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.
His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for ? | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 2:33:21 PM | Bad day
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'
And damned if the lazy son of a **** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!" | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 6:36:08 PM | Someone walked in the emergency of hospital!
Doctor: what happened your right ear is burned badly like that?!!!
Patient: because I was ironing my clothes, suddenly the telephone rang! And …..!!!!!!!!
Doctor: so what happened that your left ear is burned as well?!!!!
Patient: Well, just rushed to call the ambulance!!!!!!!!  | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/18/2007 6:50:47 PM | A little boy was questioning his father!!!!
Boy: dad, where were you born?
Father: Manchester.
Boy: so what about my Mum?
Father: She was born in Paris?
Boy: what about me, where was I born?
Father: you! In London!
Boy: Dad I got confused, HOW WE 3 PEOPLE DID FOUND EACH OTHER!!!!  | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/20/2007 2:26:49 PM | Q) How do you tell legitimate jelly-babies from illegitimate jelly-babies?
A) Turn the bag upside-down and the b@stard's fall out! | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/21/2007 1:18:58 PM | There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker, and thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you. | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/21/2007 4:43:56 PM | | abdul and paddy were beggers outside waterloo station , abdul has a mercedes a large house and loads of money, paddy had nothing , abduls begging hat was overflowing with tenners paddys had a few coins in it , how do you do it asks paddy, look at your sign says abdul , paddy read his sign , out of work and wife n 6 kids to support , then he read abduls , i only need another £10 to get back to parkistan . | |
|
| british jokes
Posted: 10/22/2007 3:41:06 AM | A newspaper reporter sees a dog mauling a young boy, a man runs over and chokes the dog to death.
"That's amazing, I'll run a story tomorrow" said the journalist, "Welsh man saves boy!"
"I'm not a Welshman" said the man
"What about Scotsman saves the day"
"I'm not Scottish, I'm Scouse" said the man
Headline in next days paper....SCOUSE B******D KILLS FAMILY PET | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
