| british jokes
Posted: 11/13/2007 10:04:30 AM | What did the slug say to the passing snail?
"Big Issue?"
Sorry, it really made me laugh when I heard it this afternoon, I had to share it with everybody! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/13/2007 11:36:42 AM | 8 ways vodka is better than a penis
1. Vodka is always stiff
2. Vodka doesn't shirnk when it's cold
3. Vodka lasts as long as you want it to
4. Vodka doesn't prod you in the back in the morning demanding attention
5. You don't care how far down your throat vodka goes
6. You can have as many vodkas as you like in one night withough looking like a slut
7. You can enjoy a vodka enfront of your mum
8. Vodka is always a pleasure to swallow | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 6:20:20 AM | I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The constipated mathematician, worked it out with a pencil.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 12:15:04 PM | A bloke just rung me and asked if i wanted 8 venison legs for 50 quid, is that too dear???????????????????? lmao | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 12:16:20 PM | | 2 guys were in a pub talking about what the got there wifes for there birthdays.. the 1st guy says . i got my wife a ruby ring and a sports car, if she dont like the ring she can take it back and she will still have the car. the second guy say ... i got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator. if she dont like the slippers she can go f---k herself , | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 12:34:37 PM | Talking about wives.
The best divorce letter ever from a man to his wife
Dear Yvonne...
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Yvonne." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T*ts like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Yvonne? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Yvonne, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Yvonne, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Yvonne. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking tv remote is.
Love from your soon to be ex husband. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:02:33 PM | 1,men are like..LAXATIVES,they irrate the crap out of you
2, men are like..BANANAS..the older they get, the less firm they are
3, men are like..WEATHER..nothing can be done to change them
4, men are like..BLENDERS..you need one but you not quiet sure why
5, man are like..CHOCOLATE BARS..sweet smooth and they usually head for the hips
6,men are like..COMMERCIALS?.. you cant belive a wrd they say
7, men are like...DEPARTMENT STORES.. their cloths are always 1/2 off
8, men are like..GOVERMENT BONDS... they take sooo long to mature
9, men are like...MASCARA.. they usually run at the first sign of emotion
10.men are like...POP CORN.. they satisfy you... but only for a little while
11, men are like..SNOW STORMS...you never know when they're coming.. or how many inches your going to get or how long it will last
12, men are like..LAVA LAMPS..fun to look at.. but not very bright
13 men are like..PARKING SPOTS..all the good ones are taken
. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:06:08 PM | very good 
Very good indeed. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 2:12:40 PM | A husband and wife were in bed one night, moaning that there was no good news on the telly.
"I can tell you some news that will put a smile on your face" she says.
"Go on then" replies the hubby
"Your brother is good with his c*ck ...but yours is bigger!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 2:13:29 PM | Whats pink and stinks?
Dawn French......lmao | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/17/2007 2:35:49 PM | | How do blind people know when to stop wiping their arse? | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 7:31:57 AM | A baby monkey asked his mum "Why are we so ugly"?, and his mum replied.
"Son thank God we do look like this, you see see the state of the ugly people reading this on POF. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 8:22:57 AM | In case of a fire please read below the instructions below................................
Not now you thick git.
Only in the event of a fire. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 9:24:21 AM | | Did you hear about the man who went to his doctors complaining of stomach ache and skin rashes after eating rice? After numerous tests his doctor diagnosed that he was basmatic! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:40:17 AM | this joke is very bad ....... be warned .
6 Englishmen and an irishman are in a police line up for a rape charge .
A women was walking down the line when the Irishman says
"Christ, she`s a right miserable looking cow" . | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 12:46:07 PM | | scientists have just comfirmed that after many years research they have managed to mix chickens and onions dna and finally produce a****that makes women cry | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 2:53:17 PM | Why do sharks not attack solicitors?
Professional courtesy
To some the glass is half empty, to others it is half full, to an accountant the glass is twice as big as required. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/18/2007 3:09:57 PM | A guy goes to work with a smile on his face .
when he walks into the office the boss says " your late stop smiling you bugger"
guy says " cant help it boss, I had sex for the first time today"
boss says " with who ?"
guys says " dunno her name, but she was tied to a train track , so thought id have her "
boss says " did she give head "
guy says " nah, I couldnt find it " | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/20/2007 3:50:23 PM | Here's one older than most of ya.....
An older woman in a night club managed to pick herself a toy boy up and found out to her delight that he was a virgin.
After plying him with a number of drinks, she managed to tempt him back to her house and up to her bedroom.
'Is it true you're still a virgin' she said to the lad. 'Of course I am, I've been saving myself for my true love' he said.
'Well just let me teach you one or two little tricks for when you wed' she said. 'First of all we'll start with a 69'.
'Is that an ice cream' said the lad.
'No, of course not' said the seductress ' take your clothes off, I'll take mine off and we lie head to toe on top of each other'.
Having had a few drinks the lad did as he was told and divested himself, before lying on the bed. The woman getting ever more excited lay next to him and as she lifted her leg to mount him, farted.
The lad choked, having had the full force of the fart in his face and shot up from the bed. The woman apologised and tempted him back down to where she wanted him. After calming him down she again proceeded to position herself on top of him, only to fart again. The poor lad was wreching with the smell and again shot up from the bed but this time started getting dressed.
'I'm sorry' said the woman 'give me another chance, I promise you'll enjoy it'
'Not likely' said the lad, 'I couldn't stand another 67 of them'. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/21/2007 7:22:45 AM | The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was getting into bed
when his wife complained of having a headache as usual.
"Perfect" he said "I was in the bathroom powdering my penis with
asprin,so you can either take it orally or as a soppository the choice is yours"! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/21/2007 7:37:49 AM | Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and see's his dad giving
his mum one,his dad just looks at him and laugh's,throws a pillow at
him and told him to get out! A little while later Johnny's dad hears a
commotion coming from Johnny's room,he rushes in and is horrified
to see Johnny s**ging his gran - Johnny just looks up at his dad and say's
"Not so f**king funny when it's your mam is it"! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/21/2007 7:46:55 AM | Little girl finds her dog dead with it's legs in the air and asks her dad
"Why is it like that" Dad say's "It's died and it's like that so jesus can
pick it up and take it to heaven". A couple of days later she say's to
her dad "Mum nearly died today,she was on her back with her legs
in the air shouting,Oh jesus i'm coming i'm coming and if the milkman
hadn't been holding her down we'd have lost her"! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/21/2007 8:30:29 AM | This made me smile althouigh it's not technically a joke:
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!
Hope
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/21/2007 10:35:18 AM | Life with a women is like a pack of cards,
You need a HEART to love her.
A DIAMOND to marry her
A CLUB to smash her fooking head in
And a SPADE to bury the **** !!! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 11/22/2007 4:45:52 AM | | englih man scottish man irishman in court judge says not u three again 25 times u been up before me im in a good mood today im a dog lover if u can sing me a song with a dog in it il let u off english man goes first how much is that doggy in the window case dismissed says the judge scottish fellah gets up mummys gone buy me a bow wow case dismissed ur free to go paddy gets up strangers in the night exchanging glances judge says i gave u a chance to walk free ur gonna get banged up i aint finished yet says paddy SCOOBY DOOBY DO DA DA DA DA | |
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