| british jokes
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:46:35 AM | SUNDAY MORNING SEX
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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| british jokes
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:37:52 PM | Before marriage:
He: Yes, at last! It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No, don't even think about it!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course, over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you go on picnics with me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes!
She: Darling!
After marriage:
(Simply read from the bottom to the top) | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:50:27 PM | A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide.
"F**k off," says the librarian, "You won't bring it back!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/1/2008 4:08:26 AM | A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful
young woman sitting next to him reading a book
titled "Strange but true sexual facts".
"Interesting" he asks
"Yes" she replies,
"For instance,did you know that the American
Red Indian has the longest penis in the world
and a Scotsman has the thickest"!
"Oh i'm sorry" she said "My names Helen
and yours is"?
Tonto McTavish love". | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/1/2008 4:09:10 AM | Young Iraqi lad signs pro contract at Liverpool FC,
He scores a hat-trick on his debut and gets
carried off shoulder high.....He rings home all
excited to tell his mum the good news and asks
how the family are?....
"How are we" says his mum
"The house has been bombed,your Dads been
shot,your sisters been raped and i've been mugged
and robbed at gunpoint,.....Why the **** did you
bring us to Liverpool". | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/1/2008 4:09:46 AM | Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom and see's his
Dad giving his mum one,his Dad just laugh's and throws a
pillow at him and says "Get out"
A little while later Johnny's Dad hears a right commotion
coming from Johnny's room,he rushes in and is
horrified to see Johnny shagging his Gran - Johnny
just looks at him and says
"Not so ****ing funny when it's your mam is it". | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/1/2008 4:10:31 AM | 2 Irishmen making letter bombs,Paddy says
"Mick,do ya tink i've put enough explosives
in this envelope"?
"Dont know,just open it and see" says Mick.
"But it'll explode" says Paddy.
"Dont be fickin stupid"Mick says
"It's not even addressed to you!!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/1/2008 4:11:16 AM | A family are driving behind a dust cart when a
dildo flies out and hits their windscreen.
Embarassed and to protect her young sons
innocense the woman says that was a big
insect! One of her sons says i'm surprised
it can fly with a****that size!* | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:01:31 AM | Just got this email, so funny!!! I havn't read through all of this thread so hope I've not repeated any!
Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.
Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly the first time and you can walk all over them
forever.
Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????
Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business
Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.
Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!
Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.
b | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:53:44 PM | | a 2 foot lady midget goes a doctors with a sore minge doctor examines her gets his sissors out n starts cutting get up and walk over there he says has the soreness gone she says great no more pain what did you do CUT THE TOPS OFF UR WELLINGTONS | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:48:57 AM | A blonde gets a job as a teacher,she notices
a boy on the field standing by himself while
the others kids are playing around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak
to him. "You ok" she says.
"Yes" said the boy.
"You can play with the other kids you know".
"Its best if i stay here" he said
"Why"? says the blonde.The boy says
"Because i'm the fookin goalie". | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:36:27 AM | Why do cows always look bored when being milked?
If someone woke you up at 4am, rubbed your tits for 2 hours and didnt shag you, you'd be pi**ed off too!!! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:41:13 AM | What have the bible and a penis got in common?
They are both shoved down your throat by a priest! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:45:56 AM | Ed Zachary Syndrome
I woman walks into a doctors office and says, I really have a problem - I cant get any sex!?
The chinese doctor says okay take off all your clothes and walk back and forth a few times in the office. The lady does as the doctor instructs and hes says yes! I know what the problem is! You have Ed Zachary Syndrome.
Bemused the lady asks, whats that mean?
The doctor replies: " You face looks Ed Zachary like your arse!" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:49:16 AM | An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:21:56 AM | A school teacher in asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way
he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Nina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big
she can only fasten eight | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:03:36 AM | 3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto's
and a mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.'
He saw me he said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long
The mistress: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say
anything.....but we had wild sex all night.'
The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers
for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and
mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:...... 'Alright Batman, what's for dinner...?' | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/11/2008 9:50:10 AM | some more for your men bashing collection
question they put a man on the moon
answer why cant they put them all there
question what is the difference between men and pigs
answer pigs dont turn into men when they are drunk
qwhen a man says can i help with dinner he means why isnt it on the table
the trouble with women is they all get excited about nothing then they marry him
women should put pictures of mmissing husbands on beer cans
love is grand but to a woman divorce is a hundred grand
there are only two words offensive to men stop and dont | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/17/2008 1:40:24 PM | Just a few Scouser Jokes i thought you might like to read.. they are very funny!!
Well i think so anyway!!!
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
Another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
And not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until
Suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the Drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one
after Another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's
a Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
``````````````
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got
One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black
Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the
Meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
```````````````
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
Object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
`````````````````````
A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool
Shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on the
Wall.He was just about to leave when the barman says:
'Where do you think you're going?'
The Scouser replies: 'I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I
think I'd better leave,'
The barman says: 'No no no. It's too late for that.
You've got to roll the Dice Pal,' The Scouser looks puzzled and says: 'Roll the dice?'
The Barman replies: 'Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out Of you,'
The Scouser says: 'What if I roll a 6?'
The barman replies: 'You get another go..'
`````````````````
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She
Asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher
Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan,
Then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man
Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
For you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all
Of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
Addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/17/2008 1:47:25 PM | A little girl is lost in Tesco. The security man says "Whats your mum like"
to which the littlegirl replies "Cocks and Vodka" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/17/2008 2:49:55 PM | Englishman and an Irishman share a railway carriage on a long journey.
Englishman says "Lets have a little quiz to pass the time - If I get an answer wrong I will give you £50 as I am English, educated and clearly superior to any Irishman. And if you get a question wrong, you only have to give me £5 because you are just another stupid paddy."
The Irishman says that a quiz is a great idea and says "Ok, what mammal has three legs, three eyes and two tails". The Englishman ponders this for a while and admits defeat. "Well Paddy, have to hand it to you, I am stumped. Here is £50 quid". The Irishman pockets the cash and says nothing.
The "Englishman says "Ok then, what mammal has 3 legs, 3 eyes and tails". Irishman replies "Fcuked if I know - heres £5 for you" | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 4/17/2008 3:23:22 PM | a farmer has just discovered the way to grow vibrators and has a whole feild of them
but he now got a problem with sqatters. | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:13:31 AM | An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times' sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ' How am I doing '?
The prostitute replies, 'Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots'. Three knots he asks, 'What's that supposed to mean ?' She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.  | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:35:19 AM | Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Fvck her! | |
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| british jokes
Posted: 10/30/2008 3:00:48 AM | | a lady tells her priest "i have a problen, i have two female talking parrots, but they only say one thing" "what do they say?" asks the priest...they only know how to say"hi we are prostitutes want some fun?" thats terrible! says the priest, but i have a solution, bring your two parrots over to my house, i will put them with my two male parrots whom i have taught to read the bible and pray, my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase. The next day she brings her parrots to the priests house, his parrots are holding rosery beads and praying, the lady puts her parrots in the cage, they say "hi we are prostitutes, want to have some fun?" one male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims" put the beads away brother are prayers have been answered!" | |
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