| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/5/2006 2:17:19 AM | ofcourse children do better with a dad its common sense that a child devlope stepment is created for better or worse through thier mom and dad and i mean biological mom and dad.step parent just dont cut it.
In a situation like this, blood literally means nothing. I was raised by my stepfather, who took the active role in my parenting and did a wonderful job. My 2 oldest children never knew their biological father, he ran as fast as he could as far as he could .. I give complete credit to their stepfather for the wonderful role he took in parenting them. I agree children need a positive male role model in their lives, whether it's a father, grandfather, uncle, etc. But to assume that it HAS to be the biological father for the child to develop at its best is just plain naive. My 2 oldest children are amazing kids, polite, well mannered, good grades, the works .. and I credit their stepdad for that.
Edit: I'm taking some of the credit for myself, of course LOL | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 1/23/2007 7:18:19 PM | Lets bring this issue back on the stand. I have 2 boys that I would love to be active in there lifes but.... The mother refuses to let me see them. It seems that allot of women out here now days are looking to have children and then leave the father hanging on the rope. I was with my ex for 7 years had 3 wonderful boys which we lost one at 2 months from sids. What i have to say about this is lets turn this around do children need a Mother yes do children need a father yes. Children can sence like other people said in there posts the hostility,anger, grief, ect. That has or was or is built,building, has been Children are very smart they relize there last names if they have there fathers last name and relize hey moms last name and this guy i call father/dad has also got a different last name so were did my name come from. And what is a kids favorite past time?
Questions they love to ask questions. And i have delt with there mother telling them i am a worthless SOB and among other things. I asked her not to demean me in front of the kids but she still does this all the time. I am currently seeking full custody of my children as i have recordings of phone calls of her downing me and her yelling at the kids. Her adopted father thinks he is the father of the kids and she does not speak to me any longer i have to go thru her dad what BS i know i can stand up for myself why can't she there (OUR) kids and we have to treat them with love,affection,respect, and care. If we dont or didn't do this the justice centers would be full of people. Our kids learn from the parents roles in there lifes i want and wish everyday i could be active in my kids life.
She has also sent child support payments back to me. So i have tried to support my children she thinks now that she has kids she wants to do it alone and my kids the time i was around them they both were daddies boys they would not have anything to do with there mother think about how this effects them now. Children have a right and a say in what they want. Dont stop them from searching for there fathers or say demeaning things. This goes for fathers as well. Dont stop the kids from looking for there Mothers. It is unhealthy and wrong.
Just my 4 cents worth. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 1/24/2007 2:04:49 AM | | I hope your ex comes to her senses and lets you two have a relationship. She should be thankful your intereseted....in case she hasnt noticed there are plenty of families who need a Daddy....good luck to you | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 1/24/2007 2:10:29 AM | | this is likely in poor taste but.....we're hiring over here.... seriously, good luck, try to always keep in touch with your kids, they'll come to you when threy're old enough if all else fails, good luck honey PS doesnt the court grant you visitation rights? cant' she be charged with an offense if she doesnt allow you to see them if you have rights to do so?? Thats the way the law works in Ontario | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 1/24/2007 2:13:32 AM | | you're son is far beetter off. Any mother who would abondon her son is probably not going to be the greatest influence.....what morals and what values ould he have learned form her? You're right and I feel better now too | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:39:18 PM | | Sorry for taking a while to get back to this post but no the court procedings are in a shamble right now there asking for continuanses all the time. Basicly a way to heed me off from seeing the kids. As for hiring over there lol canada is a awsome place so i hear. :P Anyhow things will look up soon i document everything and it will look bad on her in court that she is not allowing me to see them and have that relationship with my kids. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/12/2007 11:06:13 AM | | yeah children do need a father, i never met mine and it ruined me growing uo without my dad there i thought i must have done something wrong and thats why my dad left. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/13/2007 11:35:47 AM | Well....i have ben assured by my ex many many times over the past 2 years that I am completely unnecessary in their lives and they are fine....despite the fact i have a great career finally, don't abuse alchohol or drugs....and can produce many fine character references( i work as a corporate freelancer). Despite my repeated attempts to contact them...she refuses to let them speak to me
need?
kids don' t NEED either parent to survive...if that's all we want for them. survvival..i have first hand experience...Survival is for animals. family is for humans. family is mom and dad. end of story
but all the mom love and her family's love will NEVER erase the deficit from their hearts that a loving father brings. and vice versa of course.
lastly, my mom raised 3 boys on welfare...did her very best...i still miss not having had a real father. It surely would of enhanced my soul.
imagine what it will do to them when they find me one day and find out there were no valid grounds for Mommy to deny my involvement. They will look at me and go WTF???? was this all about? He's amazing! why were we denied?
and despite our best efforts, we'll never really connect the way we could have...and they WILL feel a very deep and profound sense of loss in their lives
the things a dad provide are intangible but real.mom too | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/13/2007 12:52:17 PM | | I have been divorced for a few years & used to think my children absolutely needed their father... I was wrong. He did what it took to be a father until the past 2 yrs (will be 2 in May). My youngest daughter was always daddy's girl, his little princess, the world revolved in her eyes around her dad. May of 2005 he began dating this woman, 2 weeks later they moved in together and he has failed to come visit/see or attempt to make any contact w/the children at all. He failed to pay child support for months, at my own expense I had to get that taken care of to. Many people might say "well it's her fault (the gf). " My thought is just this: if he were any type of father, it wouldn't matter what the gf said, he wouldn't have missed out on 2 years worth of birthdays, Christmas, all the things the children have experienced in the past 2 years. I don't talk bad about my ex, the children are old enough now they see on their own what he is about, what he fails to do, etc. I don't understand why his priorities are where they are, I can say he has lost out on so much when it comes to our children. My son is 13, at an age where he does need a man in his life, however I don't think the best thing for him would be to see his father come to the door as if the past 2 years haven't happened. My son himself has stated he does not want to see his father, it's sad, but I do understand. My son feels he has chosen his gf and her children over his own, which the reality is my son is right. My youngest daughter writes him letters every now and again, I mail them for her, she never gets a reply. A father figure or a man figure in their life, of course, but their own dad, I don't think they need his instability. He is a man who would argue in front of the children during our marriage (I walk off, never argue in front of them).. so not good for children... a man who has had drug issues in the past hence the reason he only had supervised visitation, etc. He is someone who will throw things in a fit of rage over the least little thing. I do think all children need a positive male figure in their life, however I do not totally agree it should be the bio father... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/13/2007 4:08:13 PM | Children need to be involved with both parents for the well balance of their emotional development but, discriminating bio parents as a good female and male role combined to follow as example and influence.
There are fathers, as well as mother, that don't even deserve to be such. The negative impact is that is the case, is worst than the result of a child raised by a single parent.
The ideal situation should be to have both for the right balance. Unfortunaly, there are cases were the child is better off with only one, rather than the unfit other counterpart.
Regarding of the society tendencies to make male roles unnecessary, definitly, the answer is yes. In the name of the untrue "best interest of the child", the biassed position of divorce court and the application of family law toward women is just unfair for men and the child. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 12:49:46 AM | | A saying comes to mind as I read this and others on here about fathers. Anyone can be a father.It takes a special MAN to be a DAD. personally I have not heard my son introduce me as his father and that makes me feel good.I'm his dad and I have worked very hard to make it that way.Is it always easy?Heck no,it's damn hard work but I feel this way.I only get one shot in raising him everything else in life I can get two or more chances with. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 7:46:03 AM | | Yes, a child definately needs a "father figure" in their lives. NO they do not need to be daddy, but one that will help them develope a healthy view of men and how one should act as a man in the adult world. For girls need to grow up with a good example as to how a man should treat them. Boys need that influence to become the man of a girls dreams. The father figure is an integrel ingredient to becomming a responcible adult, but they do not need to be the natural father. Hope that helps. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 8:03:33 AM |
For girls need to grow up with a good example as to how a man should treat them. Boys need that influence to become the man of a girls dreams. The father figure is an integrel ingredient to becomming a responcible adult, but they do not need to be the natural father. Hope that helps.
I agree with you that it doesn't need to be the Natural Father. If he is not willing to take an active role in the children's lives. And someone else is... Then so be it... However that said it should not be left 100% to mom to decide what guy she feels is best for the kids. As I know my EX wife doesn't agree with 100% of my parenting style.
Also, I can't really agree with Boys need dad to teach them how to be man of a girls dreams... If you are teaching boys to do that, you are in essence not teaching them to be men... Boys should be taught to respect women... But not taught they have to conform to fit into a woman's ideals... Just as we seem to keep insisting on not teaching girls to be the woman of a man's dream. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 8:45:25 AM | | i can't believe i agree with what you posted spider. boys definitely don't need a woman to teach them how not to be a man and girls definitely don't need a man to confuse them either. kids need both parents for different reasons and until people truely understand the concept of a two parent home... people will continue to carelessly bring children into this world and seperate them from one of their parents, only to subject them to continued abandonment by the people they date and dump over the years in the hopes of finding mr./mrs. right. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 8:57:05 AM | Kids do not NEED both parents to be happy and lead productive, successful lives with enriching relationships of both sexes. End of story.
If children have solid role models of both sexes and a good parent to raise, guide and nurture them they in fact do not need a biological father to make their lives better. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 12:49:27 PM | end of your story ^^^ 
it's nice to know that your story doesn't encompass the rest of the world or we might end up with a world full of fatherless children.
whether or not a child has good role models or one great parent... kids will always have a need of some sort for both parents at any given time throughout their lives. fathers are not disposable as some have come to believe... they are just as important as mothers and ought to be held in a higher regard that some folks care to bother. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 1:13:15 PM |
kids will always have a need of some sort for both parents at any given time throughout their lives. fathers are not disposable as some have come to believe... they are just as important as mothers and ought to be held in a higher regard that some folks care to bother.
Very well said... And I'm glad places like our courts are waking up to this fact. And instilling fathers rights more and more... Despite the objections from the mother. My simply suggestion for women who don't want to deal with fathers... Don't become pregnant. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 2:00:30 PM | Yes they are instilling fathers rights but what about the rights of the children?
My eldest son was attacked on several occasions by his dad. This was a man I lived with then married and showed no signs of aggression until the kids came along. It's not a case of not becoming pregnant sometimes. I was dragged through court for 2 years fighting a battle against him having unsupervised contact. There was not a chance in hell! Court finally decided that dad could not see the children any more. That was a year ago. My son actually stopped wetting the bed the day this was decided. It took so long because even though my son suffered "it is in the best interests of the children to see both parents."
Sometimes it's not! Some parents terrorise their kids. Not just dads. I think children should be listened to and not just made to accept what their parents want.
My boys are now at a stage where they would like a man in their lives. They are at an age where they know what happened and why they don't have to see their dad. I think a positive role model doesn't have to be the bio dad at all, just a lovely guy who knows how to behave. My experience could have jaded me against all men but it hasn't. I don't have to slate their dad. He did all the bad work for himself. Sad story but very true and guess what? The boys have come on in leaps and bounds since. They have lots of confidence, school work is good and they are happy, well balanced, polite kids. That's down to me.
I have a friend who is a step dad to 2 kids. They call him dad and he is dad in every sense of the word. That's fabulous! I hope my kids are as lucky. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 3:04:44 PM | Yes they are instilling fathers rights but what about the rights of the children?
My eldest son was attacked on several occasions by his dad. This was a man I lived with then married and showed no signs of aggression until the kids came along. It's not a case of not becoming pregnant sometimes. I was dragged through court for 2 years fighting a battle against him having unsupervised contact. There was not a chance in hell! Court finally decided that dad could not see the children any more. That was a year ago. My son actually stopped wetting the bed the day this was decided. It took so long because even though my son suffered "it is in the best interests of the children to see both parents."
Okay I'm not trying to down play your personal experience in anyway.. However when ever I read these sorts of testimonials, and the writer asking such questions about the rights of the children. I always have this nagging thought in the back of my head.. Do you feel that your personal experience translates into the norm of society.
Do you feel that every single case out there is like yours? And that we should enact laws to give sweeping power to Moms or Dads based on small minority of abuse cases? To me the answer to all the questions is NO.
Abuse happens, I won't deny that... I'm sure it happens more often then we all think as well.. However it still falls into such small % range of the parenting population. So we have to treat each case individually when it happens.
Also as far as rights of children. What rights are we talking about? We have decided that children are to young to think for themselves in terms of deciding whats best for them overall.. Hence why we are parents.. And are responsible for our children. If we simply start enforcing the choices of children, and respecting their rights... I can garantee you, gimme 1 day with any child... I could make them not want to be around mom or dad anymore... And I'm not even their parent, and carry a emotional connection.
Sometimes it's not! Some parents terrorise their kids. Not just dads. I think children should be listened to and not just made to accept what their parents want.
My boys are now at a stage where they would like a man in their lives. They are at an age where they know what happened and why they don't have to see their dad. I think a positive role model doesn't have to be the bio dad at all, just a lovely guy who knows how to behave. My experience could have jaded me against all men but it hasn't. I don't have to slate their dad. He did all the bad work for himself. Sad story but very true and guess what? The boys have come on in leaps and bounds since. They have lots of confidence, school work is good and they are happy, well balanced, polite kids. That's down to me.
Children should not be made to accept what parents want... Most children of parents who abused them, still love the parent that conducted the abuse against them. And would love to still have a relationship with them. Reason being, to them these parents are their lives... Yet we pull these children away, and force them to not have contact with that person for safety reasons.
Also as I mentioned.. If a child starts simply requesting not to see a parent. Give me a day with almost any child out there, I'm sure I could convince them that Mom or Dad is the scum of the earth. Point being, your assuming that children have the ability to make complex decisions like we do... 99% of children's choices on things are based on emotions of the moment.
Has your child ever become upset with you, and stomped out the room. Obviously they don't want to be around you anymore... Should that be taken as an indication that you are not worthy to be their parent anymore? Or should it be considered they are having a bad day? Or even just a temper tantrum..
Again I'm not trying to critize you directly... But I feel your specific cases falls into the small minority, and I mean tiny small... Fathers have fought long and hard to be reconized in the courts... Just as women have fought hard to be reconized in the work place.. ext... Men have had to fight for their rights in even more basic items, like being allowed to see their children.
One of the reasons they have come to a point of having to having to fight things out in court a bit is because the courts want to make sure before they revoke a right of a parent.. It is being done for the right reasons, and not simply because Mom or Dad is simply trying to sever contact with the other person. Mountains of cases of Dads being slapped with restraining orders, having rights revoked.. All based on false accusaitons.. and it's not until years later when the Mom recant their stories that the truth of the situation is revealed.. But not before it has destroyed the lives of these innocent men, and the lives of the children.
I understand you experiened pain and anguish in your situation.. But please don't think you represent the majority of the Parenting Population out there. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 3:49:44 PM | I don't for one minute think that. I hope I am a small minority in the grand scheme of things, but I actually advise people in situations of domestic abuse and it is not as small a minority as you might think.
I certainly do believe we should listen to the children. It is up the adult to realise when what they say is the result of a tantrum or the direct result of abuse. There is a million miles of difference.
There are a lot of people on this thread who have critised dads and moms and the system. There have been a lot of generalisations stating that yes despite everything kids need both their parents no matter what. They don't! What they do need is positve parenting. Positive role models.
Courts unfortunately do not distinguish between the good and the bad they just lump everyone in together and you have to fight for your rights. That's men and women. The whole court system should be overhauled in dealings with childrens matters.
I feel for every single parent out there who has been an innocent victim of the system or a viscious ex. I just needed to state that not all women who sever contact with ex's do it for their own ends. Sometimes there is a justifiable point to it all. My kids probably wouldn't be here now if I hadn't done what I did.
You are quite right in saying that children still love the parent that abused them. It is a constant cry for approval though. I have witnessed it and it is hearbreaking stuff. My son was mature enough to recognise that his dad would not ever behave so didn't want anything more to do with him. It was up to me then to fight the battle for him because his voice didn't matter.
"Also as far as rights of children. What rights are we talking about? We have decided that children are to young to think for themselves in terms of deciding whats best for them overall.. Hence why we are parents.. And are responsible for our children. If we simply start enforcing the choices of children, and respecting their rights... I can garantee you, gimme 1 day with any child... I could make them not want to be around mom or dad anymore... And I'm not even their parent, and carry a emotional connection."
The Childrens Act 2004 says that all children have the right to live free of fear. The "Every Child Matters" bill is something that is very worthy, but in court it isn't listened to. I respect every child and their rights. I find what you said there rather scary. I work with children and work with some very screwed up kids. The thought that you could do that, to me, is awful. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 6:48:58 PM | | its in the eyes... it's highly doubtful anyone would agree that children facing situations such as yours should be allowed to be put in harms way. you don't fall into the category this thread addresses IMO. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/15/2007 8:40:45 PM | | I am a single mother of 3 boys. It was my decision to be single after many years in a loveless marriage. As punishment for wanting to be single my now ex husband advised me that he would make sure I felt single, and for many years he did. He would go on long periods without talking or seeing kids.4-8 months at a time some times. He knew I would not let the kids know that he was hurting them to hurt me. Instead I made up false reasons as to why dad never called or came to pick them up. Eventually the oldest realized on his own. My middle son has issues that he fights with inside all the time. He wishes his dad & I would get back together so that we can be a family and his dad will be an active part in his life. Unfortunately there is no storey book ending for this. My son has had to deal with the loss of his father (from being absent in his life). He is full of anger and even blames me for his dad not seeing him. I have never told my kids the truth. I am afraid to tell them because I don’t want them to hurt anymore over the issue. I don’t want to say anything negative all though true about their father because it will only hurt them more. I do believe kids need both parents in their lives. It also need to be an amicable relationship so this kids view it as a healthy one and cant thrive positively. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/18/2007 3:58:12 PM | Well I was raised with both parents.....but I am a single parent and my children recieve all the love they need from myself and my family and friends.
In my case....it's definately better to raise your children single handed rather than put them through being raised in an unsafe environment.
I didn't want my children to be without their father.....but that's life....I do believe myself and children will be very close and I am sure that what children never have,they never miss.
I know plenty of older single mothers, whose children have grown up, did amazing for themselves and are much stronger people. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/18/2007 6:46:43 PM | I saw my "dad" once in 40 years, only because I drove myself over there when I was 17 to see him and see if there was an interest there...there wasn't. He lived 15 minutes away.
Do I think kids need a dad...to an extent I do. I dont believe they need one thats abusive or neglectful or are going to use the kids as a "get even" tool in any way shape or form but I...looking back over the course of my life think that there are alot of things that I maybe missed out on because of it. Granted there are single moms or dads that have done an outstanding job raising their kids by themselves, but I think a child needs both parents in some way shape or form, or at least some type of male or female influence..role model if you will in their lives.
Of course my "dad" taught me one thing...that I wasnt going to treat MY kids like he did...so even though their mom and I are not together they still "get it" from BOTH sides.
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 2/19/2007 12:03:53 AM | ^^^^^^^^ Desert_dog:
Excellent Post... I am fellow Single Father... And I know there are things I am teaching my son, that my EX would never even dream of teaching him... And like wise if my EX was involved with her son, there would be things she could teach him, that I would have no clue as to where to be begin.
Why is this? Very simple... There is no mystics behind it.. I am a Man, therefore I think like a man... My ex is a Woman, and therefore thinks like a woman.. I'm not sure why this is so hard to understand. And it seems to be less understood by Single Moms then Single Dads... no offense women. | |
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