| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 9:39:27 AM | blueyed, yea, it was just my mindset and how I read the words you wrote. I agree, its not imperative for the happiness of the child or that the child cannot grow up happy, loved, and into a great person.
As far as biological, I think at all costs the child needs to be with its biological parents and then if thats not possible adopted male and female. I had loving adopted parents and had a happy childhood. Im not complaining, nor do i wish anything different. I have two families now and I love both. I feel blessed. My adopted family is my family though through thick and thin, bad and good. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 10:36:53 AM | @sugarcandygirl... you said
I made the wrong move and did not look for another permanent male in my life.... I'm sure it would have made a difference in their lives to have a stable male in the house...
So to answer your question... YES... children need both a MOTHER and FATHER!!!
Now let me give you something to think about...NO one ever KNOWS for sure if they are entering into a lifelong commitment. So lets say you had chosen to find them a "premanent" man...and 1 year later he left for whatever reason...now you have more kids...2 different fathers. And so you try to use your theory again..."Gotta find the permanent man." so you meet another and do the same thing. Will all of your kids be better off cuz there was a "permanent" man in their life? I don't think so.
When your daughters are telling you about their father abandoning them...do you agree with them? Or do you try to talk to them about why somethings happen the way they do. I think any parent that jumps on the "Lets bash the Ex" bandwagon..is only setting their child up for failure. They say they hate him..you say...Damn right I'd hate him too he's a terrible sob.
When my daughter complains about her father...I talk to her about it. I explain that her father loves her very much...but sometimes we can't help the choices we make. And that's why it's very important to make sure on a daily basis that you are making good choices. She gets it..and she has no abondonment issues...she knows that she has what she needs right here...a mother who loves the bejesus out of her. And that's all that matters. And no guy coming in to my life is gonna make her any the better.
Good luck to you. Just wanted to offer you an alternate opinion..as I don't think you needed the perm guy!  | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 11:05:40 AM |
When my daughter complains about her father...I talk to her about it. I explain that her father loves her very much...but sometimes we can't help the choices we make. And that's why it's very important to make sure on a daily basis that you are making good choices. She gets it..and she has no abondonment issues...
This has got to be the most SANE post I've read. Many single mom's (and dads) have
to read this.
There is almost nothing as devestating to a child to be told by a parent that
the other parent is a bum or garbage - to tell you own child that makes
them feel worthless in many levels that only a child's mind could appreciate. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:09:53 PM | Yes Lazy, parents should be careful to never speak ill of the other parent. But I do feel that the abandonment issue is on a much deeper level, and is a wound that, although it can be soothed, cannot be healed by explanations of a father's absence; I think that children tend to blame themselves for their parent's actions and internalize these feelings of guilt and don't always express them. Children at a very young age, say 4 or 5, don't possess the ability think in abstract concepts. They feel that either my parents love me, or they don't; and if they don't, then it must be because I'm not worth loving. And if one or more parents is absent, this feeling of blame and unworthiness surely would be present, and will become a staple in the emotional development of a child. Hence the "abandonment issue" or sensitive area, may inevitably or irrevocably develop. That's one of the many reasons it is so important for both parents to be involved throughout a child's upbringing, if at all possible.
That's been my experience anyway. Thanks to everyone for your thought-provoking and insightful posts so far. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:23:29 PM | | I do think that children need a father. My daughter's dad just left the picture and we're doing okay. I am a good mother, and I provide as much as I can for her, but when she's crying at night because she wants to see her dad, it crushes me. I don't know if it's just because it's been a BIG change for her, or if she knows that he probably won't be around her anymore. Some people call them "dead beat dads" I wouldn't call them that, I would call them cowards. In my opinion if some guy is going to have sex and create a child that has done nothing wrong, why not be in the child's life? Even if it's just a child support payment once a month. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:29:01 PM | Thanks Lazy I totally agree. I think that children know they are the product of you and your ex so by extension calling their dad/mom and ***hole will only make them think they are like that. I have freinds who's kids think the divorces are their faults...and my daughter asked me that once..and I gently giggled and told her "No way."
It's all about communication...and positive communication at that. Not everyone will respond the same way..but it is most important that you remain calm and collected when discussing your ex. Remember it's the kids that get hurt. Oh and btw...sometimes there is a clause in divorce papers that deals with badmouthing the ex...it's in mine...I added it to make sure that he would never say things to hurt her...and if he breaks that..he can lose visitation. So beware of doing it for that reason as well.
Good luck all! :) | |
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vp2
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Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 57 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:36:08 PM | do children need a father??
most definitely, all kids should know and love both parents. Unfortunately, that can't always happen. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:37:11 PM | I know this has nothing to do with badmouthing one another, but does anyone have any opinions about what I should do concerning child support? Josh, her dad, keeps calling me and wanting to come home from NC, but I don't want to put the emotional stress on either one of us. I want to be happy, and not back and forth with feelings of excitement, anger, and saddness. I don't know if I should go for child support or not. I am so comfused. I guess I am just younger, but I know that I am a good mom and I just want the best for my baby, even though she's two, she's still my baby and probably always will be.
Thank you for your help. It's appreciated!!! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 3:41:16 PM | | I'm going to start a new thread on child support for you, under single parents. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:01:40 PM | | All children need to be loved unconditonally,educated,cared for and raised with open minds and hearts. How we treat our children of today will show up in the adults of the future. And sometimes the parents are NOT the ones to do the raising, sad to say. Anybody can be a parent, it just takes a lot to be a mommy and a daddy. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:39:02 PM | I think a child needs a loving and stable environment, someone to guide that child and provide good strong morals.
I am fortunate my son's father is a great role model to our son who is 8.
My 8 year old lives with me and see's his dad on regular basis.
I am having a hard time phrasing what I want to say....but bottom line...is I cant imagine raising an 8 year boy and not having his father actively involved., especially with a child that loves sports and adores his father opinions on everything. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:44:47 PM | | Kids need to be around responsible adults. It is how they learn social skills. I try to be careful what I say in front of them about there mother. I never try to be negitive. She does a good job of that herself. They picked me to live with. I aslo consider it when dating. I think it is important that my kids see that I am dating and not bed hopping. I dont do that is my nature. They learn more form what we do they what we say unfortunatly. A child need to be in a good loving enviroment. I dont care if it on parent or two or what there sex is. I kids just need to be loved and respected. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 5:57:51 PM | OK I've watched this thread for three pages & now its time to chime in -
I think that what Matthew is trying to do is open up discussion...
I do not think that it was an attempt to bash one gender parent over the other.
So here is my answer to the question -
Children (male or female) need a positive MALE role model in their lives. This could be a male relative - uncle, older cousin, grandfather, godfather, long-time family friend. My daughter responds better to a male presence - my son would like someone to emulate... to date this has been my step-father - their gramps. He is there to participate in their lives when their fathers are not. Both their fathers are as active as they can be in their lives. I do not expect that someone will replace their fathers.
Yes I would relish the opportunity to have a partner in the rearing of my children - someone to help me when I am tired & don't feel like dealing with the fun & games that comes with raising spirited children. But I make certain that the next person introduced into their lives is healthy for them.
But in the mean time I raise them with a wonderful support system - Hillary quoted "It takes a village to raise a child" - I second that!
C | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 6:18:59 PM | A parent is a parent regardless of gender ! We have to remember to put aside our hatred for our ex's no matter how difficult they may be for the best interest of that child and their development. It's bad enough that single parents are socially stigmatized or thought of as "dysfunctional", "below poverty level" or "raising the next future criminal" When people abandon the preconcieved ideal of what a family truley is, then we will find that a family unit can be just as healthy when two parents that are no longer together work together for the love of that CHILD. We need to put aside our anger and allow the other parent to be a parent. I admit it women can be scornful and make men feel unnecessary usually this is brought about by their emotions. I am not saying that men are perfect but they are the other parent! I grew up without a father and i can say that i had a hole in my life even to this day, this is not the fault of my father. My mother hated him so much she never told him about me and to this day she will not tell me who he is..... who do i hate? Not my father!
I also feel that by living in a single parent house, that caused me to in some way to end up a single parent. I do not want my children to end up single parents.
The love of a child can forgive all.........As parents we place hate and fears into our children. | |
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Can
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Joined: 9/8/2005
Msg: 65 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/25/2005 8:21:56 PM | | Well i believe that for the a health of children it is wise to have someone to support a child in ways a mother can't.... Like if you think about it women are the more emotional humans and men are the more logical humans so for the good health of a child they could really benefit the role of a father but that role should be very dependable for that child. But as for NEED, nah not really... Father is only a title given to a man.. ---- Daddy is a role that plays a big part in a childs life. Speaking from experience I have a 2 year old and her dad just came into her life this past easter and I don't regret a thing, its the best thing for our daughter and I guess I lucked out he is really a good daddy to her... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 1:37:45 PM | I have a question for you Matthew...what do you think is better?
A) To keep a dead beat Dad around, who doesn't pay support or contribute in any way financially and who rarely see the child ...maybe once in a blue moon...but promises the World.
B) Remove him from the baby's life before she's old enough to start being "disappointed" and upset over the fact that he's hardly ever there?
I'm torn over what to do because I totally agree with you on the whole feeling abandoned, yet how will she feel when he's only there once in a blue moon and constantly breaks promises? I don't know what's worse. What am I supposed to do...let him hurt her? | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 2:18:38 PM | Growing up, my mother kept my father out of my life. I didnt totally understand.
Now at 26, for the first time, I gave my father a chance... and I understand WHY she did what she did, and I realize that she did the right thing. And I turned out okay.
My baby's father is an abusive alcoholic. so... I will keep him out of her life.
I think she will be fine as long as she has other positive male influences in her life.
( Grandfather's and uncles, etc)
Does this make sense? Am I doing the right thing? It's constantly on my mind,
and I feel guilty about it daily. I think OMG what if I am harming her rather than
protecting her. Being a single parent is NOT EASY! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 4:00:11 PM | | Oh Rebecca I really feel for you...raising a child alone truly must be one of the most difficult, and most responsibility-laden tasks we can have before us...did you read mtndawn's post above? She's doing the right thing if he is an abusive alcoholic. And she said that her mother made the right decision by doing the same thing. I know my mother made the best decision for us when she removed us from my father's life. He still hasn't changed over 27 years later. He's been married 5 times and has at least 8 children, all of which he neglected and denied responsibility. He's been in and out of jail all his life. He has nothing to offer but hurt for others... Ultimately, it will be your decision Rebecca, and I trust you will do what's right for you and your daughter. I wish you the best, sweetie, I'm so sorry! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 4:04:51 PM | Of course children need a father. They need a father as much as they need a mother so if you don't think that either is needed well then there you go. Maybe it would be better to just set them up in a dorm when they get old enough and have done with it. The whole point is that whether they be males or females, children need to know and have good role models represented by members of both sexes. A father is no more necessary than a mother once the they are out of the womb despite what it may be convenient and pleasant to believe.
My personal belief is that up until about age seven to maybe ten or so the mother is the more important parent. After that it shifts to become the father. Neither are truly replaceable but if people insist that neither is necessary we need only look at every study ever put out on the matter to show us what happens when there are no fathers around. It's not good. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 4:05:15 PM | | I agree with celticprinzess. It doesn't matter weither it's the father or the mother. As long as there is a female or male influence around. I have a 5 month old and his father isn't around but he has great uncles and 1 grandfather and 1 great grandfather and plenty of cousin and friends to help out when he needs a man around. He is never without. I'm a great mother. My son is better off without his bilogical father around anyway. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 4:19:05 PM | | well got my kid now for 1 year and yes im a single father and i think a father is a good role model for then it hard to be mom and dad at the same time but that life be a good person and the kids will love you. mother are father . | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 6:54:29 PM | | Although I would love for my daughters father to love her as much as I do, I don't think she needs him. If she has all the love and care she needs, why would she want someone who isn't more than perfect to her? If you know what I mean.. | |
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vp2
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Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 73 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 7:27:06 PM | I don't know if this answers any questions, but I just thought I'd throw it in here. It might answer the question, I don't know.
"Latley ive been spendin lots of time with my kid
Tellin him stories
About the things that we did
When we were a family
Long time ago
Ive answerd his questions
Till im blue in the face
Wish all that hurt in him
I could erase
But i tell him the truth
Cause he aint to young to know
Single father
Part time mother
When im not one
Then im the other
You used to be
My full time lover
Now im a single father
And a part time mother
I spend every minute
I can with my boy
Theres no doubt about it
Hes my pride and joy
Someday he will grow up
And i wont have him no more
Some things i just find
Too hard to exsplain
So we go to mcdonalds
Or i buy him a train
And we go put it together
On the living room floor
Such is the life
Of a single father
He says daddy exsplain
If its not too much bother
While its just you and me
Living here in this home
I dont understand it
And neither does he
Why theres just two
When there should be three of us
Sharing this moment
Lord i feel so alone"
damn good song, kids should have both parents, but don't always need them both.
Edit: I just re-read the lyrics here, I think they are a little different. The website I pulled them off of was a site I've never heard of. They're close enough, though. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 7:45:43 PM | I think people are throwing their own situations into this question too much here and not actually answering the question. This is apples and oranges when you mention how your ex has nothing to do with your child(ren) and they seem fine without him/her. It could be said they'd be fine without you if that were the case. No doubt they'd still be alive and otherwise well-adjusted. The question is asking if we NEED fathers. Well, no, we don't need them. However, using that same logic, we don't NEED mothers either.
My position is this : if there was only one sex then no, it wouldn't matter. However, there are two. Happy, well adjusted children are more likely to be produced in two-parent homes whether you like that fact or not. That isn't always the case of course and those in that situation do the best that they can. For that we are thankful and their efforts are noted and appreciated. Nevertheless, it's both wrong and misleading to trivialize the role of a father in the reering of children. In the absence of a father then good male role-models are a must.
Every study ever done shows exactly what happens when there's no dad or positive male role model around to show young men how to be men. They have a tendency to grow up with a healthy disrespect for any type of authority. (and before you start thinking about how your kid is bucking the trend remember I also said that in this case there aren't supposed to be any positive male role models around either) It's not a hard and fast rule that they will grow up to be no-good's but the odds increase dramatically without somebody around to make them behave when mom can't physically control them anymore. Yes, this is specifically meant for the young males but young women need a father or positive male role model for much the same reason. They need to see how men are and behave. It's no mystery that men and women aren't the same. If she get's her mother's view of men hammered into her head we can only hope that it's a good one because without a good man around to at least counter a poor attitude towards men that girl will grow up to distrust, dislike, and likely fear men in general. That's not healthy. | |
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vp2
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Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 75 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/5/2005 7:51:58 PM |
I think people are throwing their own situations into this question too much here and not actually answering the question.
sometimes people draw from their own experiences and situations in order to answer the question to the best of their knowledge. Personally, I'll listen to a single parents opinion on a question like this before I listen to someone with no kids. | |
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