| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:18:59 AM | Hey blue,
I've lived this life so I am speaking from the school of experience. I have seen how it affected both my brother and myself. Later in life, I often asked the same question of other men whom were raised by single mothers and they were beset by similar problems. I'll answer your questions below. Please keep in mind that I am referring to normal or even somewhat decent fathers (or even stepfathers), but not to abusive ones.
why can't he learn that from a mother or anyone else who's taking care of him?
Because men and women deal with things differently. For instance, a majority of women will insult men during arguments in ways that isn't acceptable for men to do in return. Also, many women resort to acts like slapping, pushing, etc during heated arguments. Watching his father's restraint (talking about normal fathers) in those situations will provide the guidance he needs to succesfully deal with the women in his life. We often model the behaviours that we see.
should a man deals with others be different than how a woman deals with others?
Yes. Unfortunately, I have seen this time and again. Women can get away with irrational or aggressive behaviour in public situations that would often result in a pissing match should a man do the same. Men need to learn to maintain their composure in most situations because the outcome is potentially more serious...even deadly. I have dated so many women or seen women just go off on a stranger that would easily spiralled out of control had it been me acting out.
should how he "deals" with his wife be different than how a woman "deals" with her husband?
should a man deal with disagreements in a different manner than a woman deals with them?
Ideally...no. In reality...yes. See above.
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Anneri
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Joined: 8/25/2005
Msg: 127 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:29:00 AM | @ gotapulse.
I have one who takes my son to watch football matches, comes with me to cheer him on when he's playing football and rugby, took him for a golfing weekend and gives both kids advise from a mans perspective yes.
Which is alot more than some fathers offer their children. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 5:07:56 AM | I have two children from a previous marriage who see their dad and I strive to keep that a good relationship in their lives. Although he may not have wanted to be married anymore does not mean that he did not want to be their dad. His desires in life changed after we had been married for almost twelve years. That was a hard thing for me to see...that he could still be a good dad, but for my kids, I have to strive to keep my feelings out of the picture where their relationship with him is concerned. I do believe that they need him in their lives. On the other hand, I also have a baby whose dad wants nothing to do with him. Although I am a Christian, I did seriously contemplate abortion when I got pregnant. Having had two horrible experiences with miscarriages earlier in life, I could not follow through. The loss of the life inside of you is an unbearably empty feeling. I believe that God has a plan for my baby just as he does for my other children. While I believe that the role of both parents is important...you can't change someone's will. I grew up in a pretty abusive situation with both parents present in the home. I teach in the inner city where many of the students are from single parent homes, and live in a predominately white city where both parents are "present" physically....but many are unavailable emotionally....many are off chasing the almighty dollar. I see many similarities in the young people where I live and where I teach. Both just want to be loved. Isn't that what we all want? I am for letting other people be involved in the lives of our children. We go to church, scouts, and my kids are involved in one music and sporting event. It is their chance to have other people touch their lives. Also, school has been a very positive factor....I like to think that I do the same for the lives that I touch each day...as they, in turn, touch mine. I have to say that, for the most part, the students raised by loving, single moms....are very respectful toward women. I wish I could say that about the families where both parents are present. In fact, that is one main reason why I like working in the inner city rather than somewhere closer to where I live.
Bottom line...in my opinion...
Life happens...we all, at some point, have to figure out who we are. My job is to love and trust that God loves. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:50:11 PM | | In my opinion. Children need both parents. But it also depends on the mothers and the fathers. If the fathers are abusers, physical or drug or alcohol use then I think the children are better off. If they are the type of parent that says, I promise and then breaks the promise every time you turn around then the children are better off. This goes for the mothers as well as the fathers. But children love their parents either way. Listen to the song...Cat's in The Cradle. I don't remember who sings it or who wrote it. But it has a good point. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 5:42:47 PM | In a perfect world then children have both parents. Since this isn't a perfect world we make do the best we can. If the biological parents aren't exactly the best then I think as long as a child is able tohave a good positive role model for that gender they grow up just fine.
BTW rRedneckkountrygirl,
It was Jim Croce who sang the song I believe if memory serves correctly. Not sure who wrote it if it wasn't him. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/9/2005 9:52:54 PM | | I agree! People in the world now need to be more responcible in choosing who they have a child with more wisely! They need to think about the consiquences of what they are doing, & not just to them but how the childs life will turn out because of there irrisponcibility! I dont believe a child will ever have as much respect for their mother or father that put them in this world w/only half the love they diserve! I respect my parents greatly, because they have been together 33 years & married 24, that means they dated/lived together for 9 year, then got married & had children, & they weren'tpregnant when they got married! My parents did the right thing, they have a loving, stable relationship, then told the world that they promised to love forever, then had children & have always provided us w/the world! They are responcible respectable parents that i am proud to say are mine! I feel sorry for the children who get asked what does your dad do for a living & they have to say I dont have one, or mother! I couldn't be proud of either of my parents, yes the one that stuck around I could be more proud of but, I would still have this feeling that i wasn't put in this world from love, or wanted when i first came along & couldn't respect either parent 100%! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 4:09:45 AM | I had a fairly happy childhood where I was showered with love & attention from both parents..
What a question to ask,
How do people think the children happened, Immaculate conception ? | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 2:05:51 PM | | I feel children deserve 2 parents....not necessarily biological or even hetro...they only need one but it is better to have more people commited and loving to bring more perspective and input. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 3:18:44 PM | How men and women deal with things, little things, in every day life is so different that a child growing up without one or the other misses a whole different perspective on life. I am a single father with fully custody. My son was with his mother until he was 9, I spent every single cent I had to get custody. I would not have it any other way. I moved to a smaller town, walking distance from a good school, and changed professions to support us.
He is 12, and I know already I will all to soon be missing these days I spend with him now.
Blood in, blood out. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 5:52:21 PM | I believe that any child who grows up without two parents in their lives (whether together or not) loses out and suffers damage. My daughter's father has chosen not to be a part of her life (she is 16...he has had little to do with her since she was 13). Because of this she has developed eating issues, suffers from boughts of depression...and probably has developed feelings of inadequacy which are sure to affect her into her adult life. I feel I am a good mother and have tried to compensate as much as I can without being over indulgent because of it. It is not always easy. Try as I might...I cannot provide the love she feels she has lost because he chose to leave her life.
I have a close freind, also with a 16 year old girl, whose biological father has not been in her life at all due to her choice. My friend's daughter has had feelings of inadequacy, anger at her mother for not having stayed with the father, and feelings of extreme curiosity.
IN either circumstance I feel both girls have suffered and will continue to suffer due to the fact their father has been absent from their lives.
I in no way believe that any woman should maintain an unhealthy relationship with the father...sometimes there is no perfect answer to a situation...just the best answer. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 9:41:48 PM | Hell yes I think kids need both parents. They may not need either one of their biological and they really don't need 2 that don't get along, but they do need to grow up around both sexes. You can't be a man or a woman unless you've seen one. Don't get me wrong, there are people out there that have been thrown into the roll of both and have successfully play both rolls in the kids life, but not many have successeded.
As a father, when my son falls I tell him shake it off, with the intention of making him tough. But his mom would hug him with the intention of making sure he isn't hurt. With a daughter, the mom can do everything except be the man in her life that tells her that she is pretty so she doesn't need to search for compliments from just any guy. So I do believe that kids can benefit from having both. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/10/2005 9:59:06 PM | In my experience as a single parent of two boys it is not always best to have the biological father involved in the childs life. Also I know from experience that the rejection the child does feel when one parent ignores them is a chore to get over. I have been fighting for quite a few years now to get my youngest sons father to take the responsibility he did chose to have but to no avail. Constantly he chooses to go months without contact and then thinks all is well to see his son. It has gotten to the point now that son is realizing what is going on and is very hurt everytime he is supposed to have a visit and his dad is a no show.
I do think a good role model whether it is the biological father or a big brother or a family friend plays a big role in a young ones life.
All the info on this message board has been interesting and helpful to myself.
Take care all | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 12:03:39 AM | I, myself, am a single mom of almost 3 yr old boy/girl twins. I don't feel that the father necessarily needs to be there for the children to turn out just fine. As long as you do the best you can to raise them right, and never bad mouth their father (even if he was an aweful person) they will be happy. Eventually, I'm sure, my kids will ask questions as to why their father abandoned them. I'm not totally sure what I'll say to them, and it breaks my heart just thinking about it. I know I can't tell them that their father had bigger and better priorities in life....such as moving in with another woman who has 2 kids of her own that he is now raising. "They are such a joy to be around", he said. How would I tell them that. They don't need to know that sort of thing until or unless they ask when they are old enough to know the truth. In cases such as mine, where I had to leave with the kids because he scared the kids, and I feared for their lives/futures with him around (another long sickening story there....Dr. Phil here I come), I truly feel that the kids are much better off with no father at all, than to be constantly hurt by him for the rest of their lives.
I know my kids will be happy and healthy as long as I do my best and surround them with people who love them.
I hope this helps in some way. Good luck to all of the single parents out there. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 12:51:01 AM |
I don't feel that the father necessarily needs to be there for the children to turn out just fine
Yes, barring any external forces, they'll grow up into those 'nice guys' that no girl wants. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 2:59:12 AM | @ladyangeline
First off, I don't know your situation - what I do know is that there is always two sides to stories such as these.
Some of things you wrote were scary... who is judging whether or not the father was an awful person? Sure, there are cases where the matter is fairly easily settled (ie. child abuse) but bad feelings, for example; brought on by the break down of a marital relationship, could cause one parent to wrongfully believe the other parent is no good for the children.
I do find it odd, however, that this particular father is raising two other kids (not his own?)... | |
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| matthew27
Posted: 10/11/2005 6:59:33 PM | I personally think that i child can grow up perfectly normal with out either parent. As long as there is a positive role model in the childs life. i.e. if the father is gone they have man they can be close with. I think that is why i am so picky about dating.. I dont let them meet my child. I want to find someone who will be good for me and a good role model to my daughter.. And for the record when a parent is looking for another person to be in their life they are not neccesarily looking for that other person to be mommy or daddy. That tends to scare the opposite sex away I have learned that, the hard way. | |
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| Alissa1987
Posted: 10/11/2005 7:06:52 PM | WHOA slow down there. I was with my daughters father for 5 years. We used 2 forms of birth control and still became parents. Sometimes it just happens... You cant neccesarily pick it... We really didnt want a child at the time, but it happend. Parents need to gorw up and take responsiblity for there actions is what you should be saying. Its great that you have wonderful parents. But not everything is a fairy tale. This is 2005 where the divorce rate is like 45%. And it is not fair of you to accuse parents who have unplaned children to not want them. When i found out i was pregnant there was not questions we were having a baby and raising it. I am a loving responsible parent and I am no longer with her father.. So you are basically saying that i am a bad parent. I think that you need to becareful haw you phrase things.. You are bringing your self some bad kharma with some of your comments | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 7:39:32 PM | @mobibu
No, you don't know my situation, but I will give you some idea of what an aweful man he is. And I quote, "If (son) turns out to be a homo, he will be kicked out." I said, "oh, but if (daughter) turns out to be a lesbian she can stay right?" He replied, with a sleezy grin on his face, "Well, yeah, as long as she brings her little friends over so I can watch." If you knew my ex, you would know there was more than just a joke behind that comment. You should never even joke about stuff like that!
Now, I'm sorry, but wouldn't that scare the hell out of anyone who heard that from a parent. Not to mention the fact that he had also been looking at kiddie porn on the net, and doing soooo much more disgusting stuff that goes right along with all of it.
Unfortunately, this isn't just a case of bad feelings. I was, and am, truly scared to death of him being around these two little ones.
I understand that there are two sides to every story, and know that some dad's get screwed over by their ex partners after a break up. I feel for those innocent people. But unfortunately, in my case, YES they are better off without their father. Both my children, expecially my son, were deathly afraid of men until about a year after I left him. Babies should never be afraid of a parent.
At this point in time, there is no restraining order against him and nothing stating he cannot see his kids. I haven't done the whole legal process yet. And still, he has only seen the kids once in about a year and a half. He is now somewhere else in Canada (won't tell me where so he doesn't have to pay for his kids) and has apparently moved on with his life with someone else, obviously more important than his own children. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 7:46:49 PM | lady, I'm sorry that you perhaps another poster made you feel the need to justify your statements and decisions.
Good luck to you. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 10:42:20 PM | Parents should have to pass a psych exam, and a myriad of other tests before being allowed to have children. Then there should be a 5 year waiting period after that. Not everyone should be allowed to procreate.
Children need both parents. Can one parent raise a child? Physically, I am sure they can. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 10:49:29 PM | | Loved that answer dallasguy. Children can be raised by one parent, Ive done it for 16 years, but because of only one parent I have gone through alot because the other wasnt there. Alot of women these days think its ok to have a child and never invlove the guy, bad choice... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/11/2005 11:36:25 PM | ladyangeline1
I have to ask and please answer - what did you see in your husband
to marry him? Why did you see fit to have many children with him.
And, about when did he have a personality transformation?
I don't understand...i ask this questions but nobody seems to answer.
Enlighten us on how you thought he was a fit father when u conceived.
Dallas; I agree, but also a mental exam for people who want to marry. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 2:38:02 AM |
lady, I'm sorry that you perhaps another poster made you feel the need to justify your statements and decisions
Yes...God forbid we question a woman since they only speak the gospel. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/12/2005 3:38:43 AM |
Yes...God forbid we question a woman since they only speak the gospel. If you'd like to think that, go right ahead, although I think it's a bit over the top. | |
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