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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:26:38 AM | I'm sorry I still think that a child needs only one parent that truly cares about them. It does not matter in the least whether it's their mother or father. What do you think if a woman raises two boys they'll be gay and hate football, or like myself a father with two daughters, ya think they are going to grow up to be boys? A well rounded and sincere parent of either sex can raise a perfectly normal child with no more hang ups than any other child around. I find it absolutely ludicrous to lay blame on someone for anothers shortcomings or failure to see them. People can hide things for years, and can decide to change into a POS over night. With extreme rare exception no one enters a relationship expecting to be abused or left with children. Someone would have to be really full of themselves and rather delusional to think they know everything about everyone they have ever had a relationship with. If that were the case you'd still be with the first person you dated because he or she must of been absolutely perfect for you or you wouldn't have dated them. And really only an idiot would abandon such perfection.
There are many ways for a single parent to make up for the absence of either gender as a role model. My girls had dance classes, modeling classes, cheerleading and many other activities which gave them a view of how other girls were. Do you think a single father doesn't cook, do laundry, clean house, what is it you think they won't learn? Do you think a single father doesn't shoot hoops or work on his car, I just don't get what so extremely important would be missing. A single parent tends to just be both mother and father. I sit up with my kids when they are sick and go shopping with them when needed. Explain what exactly we don't have to offer them | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 10:11:04 AM | | i feel that all children need a male role model to look up too. it fill's the void that they have left there instead of asking questions all the time and always having endless nights of crying into there pillow's | |
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vp2
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Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 204 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 1:19:21 PM |
You chose your situation by becoming pregnant as a teenager. Conventional wisdom advises against doing so for very good reasons. Obviously your partner was too young to realize the importance of his role as a father in order for him to suddenly pick up a drug habit when he has a wife and two young kids at home. I'm not judging him either...he is (correct me if I'm wrong) very young
no offense, tick tock. you say that your not judging him, but it sounded as if you judged her. I might have missed another post where you said you weren't, but I didn't see it. What gives you the right to judge her for getting pregnant as a teenager? You never had sex as a teenager? I know I did. The only 100% effective form of birth control is abstinence*spelling?* She still did not choose for the father to go off and start doing drugs. Which leads me to a question for you. My wife left me to smoke crack with another man, because I don't smoke crack. Should I have started smoking crack so that my son had both me and his mother? People don't make other people do drugs, the drug users choose that on their own. Trust me on this one. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:32:30 PM | ^ Read my posts again, because you obviously didn't understand them. I never judged either her or him, but only stated that she chose her situation - as did he. We all do. I had my fair share of sex as a teen but never fathered any children because I made damn sure every precaution was taken. Yes, sometimes accidents happen, but there are many options available (ex. morning after pill, abortion), so yes, she did choose her situation.
Which leads me to a question for you. My wife left me to smoke crack with another man, because I don't smoke crack. Should I have started smoking crack so that my son had both me and his mother?
That's absurd! No, you should have dumped her ass and sued for sole custody. Where did I say that she should become a drug addict so that she could be with her husband? That's right, nowhere! Anyway, you chose your partner poorly.
People don't make other people do drugs, the drug users choose that on their own. Trust me on this one
Never said that people make other people do drugs, but that perhaps that he was too young and irresponsible (like your wife) to understand the importance of his role as a father. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:51:34 PM | I agree with your post tick tock, despite the controversial tone. We all chose our life for the most part. Unless the other parent passes on, then we have a say. Sometimes people "change" or lead a life that is different from the type of person you were led to believe they were. We're usually young, inexperienced in life/relationships, and immature without the intelligence to listen to those older than us. This is usually a big part in our choosing a less than adequate partner.
Teen pregnancy shouldnt happen, deadbeat parents shouldnt exist. The point is- it does, and they do. Thats the real world. It doesnt excuse it, we all have to live with the consequences of our actions. We all make bad decisions in relationships or other wise. Some of us end up parents because of it. We are at "fault" for our circumstances, but does that mean our children are undeserving of love and support from their family and community.
I totally understand where you are coming from, but the smartest solution for society is to equalize the playing field. Better educated parents produce better educated children who are less likely to fall into the same cycles. By providing support, but also forcing people to work hard and earn their way we are decreasing the likliness that these poor choices will be repeated in the next generation.
None of us should make excuses for our lives, or project the blame onto anyone else. But we also shouldnt be harassed for making a mistake. You may not be a single parent, but I am sure you have made other mistakes in your life. It just isnt broadcasted for everyone to attack you about it. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:01:31 PM | | ^ Great post, melissa! One thing though, I don't think anyone was being harassed for their choices in life, merely pointed in the right direction when they employed the "victim mentality" excuse. As for my own mistakes, I have made plenty and have listed some of them in the forums. I expect honest feedback and respect others when they do so. And...I fully accept responsibility for 99% of the hardships I've endured in life. There may have been external forces involved, but ultimately my choices led to my own demise. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:21:10 PM | Thank you, I am glad we can see eye to eye, because I genuinely agree with the basis of your arguement. You probably say it a little more direct than I do, but your point is the same.
I fully accept responsibility for 99% of the hardships I've endured in life. There may have been external forces involved, but ultimately my choices led to my own demise.
TOTALLY UNDERSTAND AND AGREE I think this is the hardest thing for most people to understand. Yes, it isnt fair that your parents failed you, or your ex isnt contributing to the well-being of their child-- but in the end none of that matters. At the end of the day, your child, your family, society-- everyone wants to know what YOU did about it. So in essence, everything else is irrelevant. My mother had the worst upbrining you could have, as do many ofthe kids I work with... and some of them choose to be a victim, and some choose to close the door on that part of their life and move forward with what little they have been given.
It is truly a choice. Life is a series of choices. Even if we make a ton of bad choices, we can always choose another direction. We are a product of our environment, to a certain point... then we have to choose to accept or reject that childhood and the values we learned.
For me, the year I spent in counseling truly working to understand why I had made the decisions I made was the best thing I could have ever done. I am overall a better person and a better parent because of it. I personally think therapy should be mandatory for all single parents (with few exceptions). | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:34:43 PM | Exactly, Melissa! So many people tend to use excuses (I hate to say it, but women do this more than men) rather than deal with their problems in a rational manner. I have faced more than my share of horrible experiences and have realized that had I chosen a different path in each of those situations, then maybe my life or someone else's would have been better today. It is way too easy to say that you didn't have a choice because of X or Y. Ever since I had that epiphany, I consider my actions carefully and ponder the potential outcomes. I hate when I hear people say any of the following:
He deserved it cuz he was a jerk...
He made me...
I had no choice...
She forced me...
etc. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:55:23 PM | I believe by experience that a child can grow up as a healthy, happy adult, but it really depends on how the parent raising the child reacts and teaches the child at a very young age.
I have raised one child, and he turned out pretty damn good concidering not having his biological father in his life. Mentors can be a blessing! | |
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flame
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Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 211 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/19/2005 3:02:36 PM | | my dad left me at 14 and thats when my mom and sisters took over me and i started to become a girl myself... i love nothing but to dress as a female..i love thongs short skirts tight pants nice tops heels hose wig makeup.. but the thing is my mom will not let me dress and i cant help it is there a women out there that can take me shopping so i can buy my own clothing plzzzz.. i am now 18 | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/19/2005 3:15:46 PM | Flame,
why don't you post a picture of you dressed up like a woman, would be after all fairly entertaining.
It's not, then you're just BS
DragonRider | |
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flame
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Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 213 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/19/2005 3:42:43 PM | | i dont have any clothing to dress in i want a women to take me shopping my mom watches me with her clothing will not let me touch it | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/21/2005 2:56:02 PM | Thankyou vp2,a bit of understanding and sense!
And Tick Tock i'v been thinking about what u said and u was partly right.I did choose to have both my children.It wasn't planned and we used protection but it failed.First was an pure accident,and the reason i caught easily with my second i found out was to do with medication i was taking,(for epilepsy).they interfeared with the pill.On the one occation we did not use a condom i fell pregnant.The choice i chose was to not have my babys killed or put up for odoption.That reason bieng,at the time they had both a loving mother(which they still VERY much have) and they had a loving father.Plus i am against abortion and i loved my babies and was not about to give them up.I will repeat though,I DID NOT choose what happened after that.I disagree when u say 'single mothers' act as victims.F**k do i.I am not a victim,I have 2 beautiful children who i love very much and are with me every day.My ex is the victim.he has a life full of drugs,crime and he has lost his children.My ex beat me,stole from me whilst i lay dying in hospital,he cheated on me,he kidnapped my daughter and as a result of the mental stress i went through i got epilepsy(this is a proven fact off the doc's)...i could go on.
But the thing is,i am NOT a victim.After all that i am still standing!!
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/21/2005 3:03:18 PM | Still Shelbe, you chose to date someone with obvious ISSUES to say the least.
Maybe you like the bad-boy types.
Whatever, when you have sex, you have to understand that there is ALWAYS
'ACCIDENTS' and you bear the responsibility when 'ACCIDENTS' happen. You can't
use it as a leverage to pry yourself away from him.
And yes, BADBOYS do beat their wives, they do drugs, they are criminals.
But, I'm not understanding why you chose to dump your bf....when did you get
tired of the criminal world?
i am NOT a victim
I would have been more convinced had you not listed all the crimes against you. Remember,
you chose to be in the criminal world and all the negatives the eminate from such
a world. Don't be such a victim. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 4:33:34 AM | If u take notice of wot i'v said u will see that i chose to dump my my ex when i discovered wot he was getting into.I am not an expert when it comes to drugs so i didn't know that the reason he was bieng how he was,was cos he was stoned.
I am definetly not one for BADBOYS.He is the only real BADBOY i have had in my life.When i got with him he wasnthat so i didn't know wot sort of world i was letting myself into.
I didn't choose to be in the criminal world.As soon as i discovered my partner was involved in drugs i ended it.He didn't turn to crime untill we finished. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 5:59:50 AM | Shelbe, hes a  /troll
He is like many random people we get in here... they come in, refuse to accept that these situations are more than one dimensional and throw hate around like its their job.
Ignoring him is the only thing that will work. You wont win on this one, cant argue with ignorance.
 Youre doing an awesome job, he has no idea what your situation is. I dont see any "poor me" whining on your end, so ignore his insults.
Tick Tock seems to be reasonable as you can see from earlier posts. Lazy though, Ive yet to see him be reasonable. I'll keep waiting! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 3:02:50 PM | Thankyou for your comment Mel.I agree /troll.(i could say worse).
As u noticed there was no whining from me,thats one point i was trying to get across.I don't know about winning this argument,i think he's met his match.Im not one to stand down(i suppose its partly due to bieng a woman.lol)But then again it is getting boring.I'm just repeating myself over and over.Not worth my time.
Thanks for the comment...'i'm doing a awesome job'.I certainly hope so.I love my kids to death and would die for them.They are both happy and healthy so i think im doing a pretty good job,yeah! 
As for Tick Tock,i suppose i can see where he is coming from.Don't agree with everything he says but,Hey...thats life.But i do agree about Lazy,nothing reasonable there.Some of his comments were just plane old nasty. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 3:10:01 PM | I'm no troll
I just subscribe to the fact that there are no such thing as accidents.
I may come off as harsh but I'm no troll. I don't buy into 'accidents'. If I
did, I'd have to dismiss people as being retarded. I think most people
are intelligent but if you insist otherwise... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 3:15:49 PM | | Lazy, sometimes people just can't tolerate differing opinions and they have to insult/put down. That seems to be a theme today. God forbid you come to a "public" thread and have an opinion! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 3:19:11 PM | ^^^ I just say my peace and leave. I'm not here to tell people what
they WANT to hear. This is what makes me attractive to my friends and my gf.
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 6:41:59 PM | | I believe children need a father or at best a male role model in their life..My sons father passed away when my son was 10, and my son unfortunately saw it happen, I am a single mom doing the best I can, but there are some things that his father would have been much better at as he has gotten older (he's 15 now)..I know it is hard for him not having his father around, but yes I believe children need both, mom or dad, as a vital part of their life growing up... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 7:33:37 PM | Hi,Great question,In my opinion(as a single dad who has joint custody of 2 young children)
First of all my ex and I get along well and we both know that we both want whats best for our kids.we talk and communicate well for their benifit,and our children are very happy,kind and caring kids.Just because her and I didnt work out,it dosnt mean they should suffer.
Fathers are so much more important these days and more involved in parenting then years ago when he was the worker and mom was the child raiser and cook...please dont get me wrong..im not saying fathers are more important then moms in anyway.So if a father is a wanting ,caring,involved parent I believe in the event of a brake up he should be allowed equal access if he so disires..Unless theirs violance or reasons that he should not be around the kids,when my kids are with mom we talk every day ,My Dad died while my mom was expecting me and as a kid sometimes I found my self being jelous of my friends who had both parents,but lucky for me i had older brothers and sisters,I think kids need a dad very much but will adapt to what ever they have to with the help of moms,grannys ,family,One thing I will never understand is how a father or mother couldnt bother with his or her kids once there is a split..I know there are special cases but man these are your children..love them,,,hugg them and let them know how wonderful they are....Dave | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/22/2005 8:41:56 PM | being a single parent of a 17 year old boy, i've found that there are certain things i'm simply not equipped to teach my son... in that respect, i do feel a child needs both parents.
i happend to get lucky and ended up with a very well rounded young man and overcame different obstacles i faced as a woman raising a young man by leaning on my father, my brothers and friends who could actually relate to him as he needed. i do think i was at a slight disadvantage having a boy but i wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
i would think it would be just as difficult for a single father to raise daughters... there are things men just aren't equipped to teach their daughters as well as their mom might be.
i know my dad just about fell out of his chair the day i called him at work to tell him, instead of my mom, that i had started my period. he wispered instructions to me over the phone and i could tell he was just mortified. i was too but that was because i didn't know what was happening to me... mom never warned me about that stuff. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 10/23/2005 12:51:03 PM | Awesome post Kitty! 
I think your post highlights the need for male(or female) influence and the challenges in being able to fill the "gap" when the other parent is absent. While it is not the best situation, you show us that it can be done.
Its not the ideal, but it does not mean the children are doomed so long as their is a strong family system in place and positive role models from the other sex. Mom/Dad is the best person to provide that influence, but those of us where the other parent is absent or unfit are not doomed to have hateful criminal children. It has to do with Quality! not quanitity. | |
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