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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/27/2005 11:41:31 PM | Intimacy Deprivation?
Being married and your spouse treating you like a commodity is worse than being alone and having no touch from anyone....everyone needs to be touched, everyone needs to be held. I remember looking down at my hand one night after being divorced.....it was about five years after my divorce; and i thought "GOD" i am never going to have the feeling of my heart pounding, my insides racing and my body warming all over when someone touches my hand....someone i have a fondness, likeness for.........i touched my hand myself, but it isnt the same.....and you cant get that from a one night stand, or from a "me" person.
I have dated recently and have found there are alot of people who think of "THEM" not their date.....its about their lives, their events........and you cant have "real" intimacy without knowing that person which means you need time to know them which means you have to actually go out and meet them - and in this day and age, with children unless its a bar, house party its not going to happen!
Having the feeling of someone you love hold your hand is theeee most exciting feeling in the world! Going grocery shopping, window shopping, or walking anywhere and stopping to realize they are looking at you, smiling at you and when they touch you - your whole world rocks..........A fantasy? too romantic? hope not! | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 10:35:11 AM | Its me mr adorable, shaunadanielle you move to Olympia and help me start my porn site and you will have lots of friends OK? The REST OF YOU, if you are so intimacy deprived.....there are plenty of old folks at the nursing home and kids in group homes, and animals at the animal shelter who would realy love some hugs and touching, or are you just complaining people dont hug YOU enough? Maybe there is a reason for that. what comes around goes around
Go out and be of service to your community and neighbors, and Me and my freind Karma will guarantee someone loves you back sooner or later. Or maybe you aren't tithing enough at your church. Pat Roberts said you gotta donate at least 10% for a year before God rewards you.
We aren't little babies anymore not getting hugs from mom | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 2:01:23 PM | | How long can someone go without any form of intimacy before you....go funny....snap or whatever happens. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 2:14:22 PM | | Spiritual people may go their whole lives. Loosers, not very long. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 2:22:16 PM | | I totally agree with you. A look and smile all of this is so important, I am recently separated and I know how lonely it can get. Those special hugs, kisses, and warm touches mean so much, and when you don't get them, what a horrible feeling that is. | |
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glenpr
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Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 33 | |
| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 3:11:03 PM | | Well heres some info from a 50plus lady. I have only had three love relationships in my life and what I've learned from it seems not to help me any. I am a very kind, loving, compassionate lady with empathy. I will do anything for my friends, a good friend I am. Having said that, the needy men are attracted to me, my first husband left when my second baby (special needs and demands) took too much attention away from him. He said we can get together when the kids grow up. The next man was the best thing that ever happened in my life, he needed me as much as I needed him, he spoiled me and I spoiled him, he was quick to compliment and comfort me, and always there when I needed him as I was for him. The intimacy helped me survie, as I didnt have the intimacy with my husband. Now for the third time, I have known a fellow for 15 years and was always there if he needed a friend. I didnt get deeply involved as I had teenaged children to raise. I let him go so that he could find someone and marry and have kids as he said he wanted to do. It didnt work out for him and we got back together. I thought that now seeing I am free we could have a nice intimate relationship, as he told me he didnt want to get married or live together. I love him, I find it easy to love him. He works out of town much of the time. He is only here every few months for a few days. He now dumped me, well said he still wanted sex with me and otherwomen. I can understand that when a person is out of town, but when back here for such a short time he wants others. I never did get hugs, caring, consideration, or respect from him, although I told him all my needs, he did not want to meet one of them. Actually I am easy to please, a few basics and I am happy. But I guess he was not willing to provide anything I wanted, and desires to go on to the next. He didnt even have the courtesy of dumping in person, it was on the internet, sending me his profile from this site . So makes me wonder if he CAN even have empathy. The point I am trying to make to you ladies is that if you are too caring you might just attract those that are too needy. Now I just want to be strong and develop some good friendships. God bless you all | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 3:32:31 PM | | I got divorced 5 years ago but before the marriage ended there was ZERO Intimacy so I can say that I am now going into my 7th year without anything. The closest I get to intimacy as sick as this my sound is when my daughter gives me a hug. You have any idea how bloody sad that is. Then I talk with this female a while ago and she goes on and on how how great her sex life is....the whole time knowing that I have been very alone for the past 5 years without any female contact... I do not know what she is trying to prove, but her going on about what a great screw she got last night just makes me die a little more inside. I do not want to go to a hooker that would not be Intimacy, that is just a act that is cold without feeling just a job to her. I need to be loved and feel loved and wanted. I have not felt that is so very long that I am forgetting what it even feels like now. All I do know is that I feel so empty inside and that all my insides are just a big empty dark void like the vacuum of space, like a black hole from which nothing can get out and is bottomless. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 3:35:41 PM | "Is it possible to be alone, when you are surrounded by people?"
Absolutely cheatingheart! Story of my life. I think I can count on one hand how many people I've had in my life who "DIDN'T" make me feel like that. Ahh...but that's my grievance, not theirs. Nothing much impresses me, or surprises anymore, and that can be a daunting way to live. Is it "settling?" I would rather look upon it as finding tolerance within yourself for others, because everybody that is brought into our lives has something to teach us. Sometimes it's best to learn the lesson and move on quickly, other times, you never want the lessons to end.
"It's better to be seen for who we are & be alone,
Then to be accepted for someone we're not & be lonely....."
"When we think we need to belong we often follow others....
When we follow our heart, we feel like we belong, regardless of others."  | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 4:07:12 PM | Fishbill.....
I give to my church, volunteer in my community, help children everyday, have adopted several pets, have lots of friends who hug me everyday. . You are way off base here....
Intimacy is not just about being hugged, having sex, etc. It has to do with a HUMAN connection with someone.
And as for your comment about what comes around, goes around....WOW! To quote my friend brawnydog from another thread...sounds like someone's a little bitter to me...maybe they haven't had any in awhile.
The definition of "intimate" :
Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.
Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature: intimate prayers.
Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter.
Marked by informality and privacy: an intimate nightclub.
Very personal; private: an intimate letter.
Of or involved in a sexual relationship.
I think the keywords of this definition are...innermost, personal, private, sexual, deepest, familiarity.
And Fishbill...to quote my friend brawnydog again .....MOO!
For the rest of us....hang in there! | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 4:24:04 PM | " Spiritual people may go their whole lives. Loosers, not very long. "
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I guess but then you always have Mary on the right, and Jane on the left.....if you catch my drift. But I am talking about us real people not someone off in La..La... land of some inner quest for the rest of your life... A quest on the meaning of life and when you find out what it is then its to late and you die of old age. Ya some meaning...think your life away.
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 5:39:18 PM | It's takes a great deal of skill and a warriors courgage to transform personal suffering.
This is exactly what Buddhism is all about.
Anyone who believes that another person, another relationship, will somehow make everything all right has deluded themselves. No one can love you better than you can love yourself. (forget the easy joke here). | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 5:52:59 PM | | This was so very well put.. I think we all feel that way at one time in our lifes.. :) | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 6:03:02 PM | | Marriage does not always ensure freedom from loneliness. Mutual misunderstanding or lack of compatibility may cause stress that can produce uncertainty and may even result in isolation for spouses and children. But apart from loneliness caused by the death of a loved one, divorce, or physical or emotional isolation, there is another kind of loneliness that can affect us very deeply. This occurs when our relationship with God suffers and we feel separated from him. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 6:05:51 PM | Hey iLuvmonkeys2...You are very right in your message,I been on my own for a year and
a half and what makes it harder is that,it always seems to come up in your mind when
you least expect it to.I get on this service and look and look for that right person,but
it sems that some people are just hard to find,or they are so far away.I just can't use
the computor to look for anyone anymore,I have to go out and find them face to face.
I hope you find who you are looking for,and ease your heart for the rest of your life.
As for me I don't think I will be able to find someone out there that even cares.
That's life some are happy and other's are lonely,as what my name is.
Lonelytwo | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/28/2005 7:58:01 PM | | I think Lovmore answered this "topic" perfectly. And it makes me wonder, why other people, like everyone, understands that? Sure I wanna touch a warm body and have a GF, but, I cant let life be any less, or complain, about it. | |
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glenpr
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Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 43 | |
| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/29/2005 12:56:41 AM | Holy Serendipity Your qote is just beautiful, ty hun
"It's better to be seen for who we are & be alone,
Then to be accepted for someone we're not & be lonely....."
"When we think we need to belong we often follow others....
When we follow our heart, we feel like we belong, regardless of others."
I find this to be so true. I want to still be me, be kind, caring, and loving, and true to my values, and if someone cannot love me for that, he is not worthy of me. As the saying goes if you love something, let it go if it comes back to you it is meant to be if not it never was. God has his plan and never gives us more then we can handle. You are a beautiful person Holy, always remember that. In the end we all have to answer. And you know what when you have intimacy and love it will remain with you, my second love when we broke up told me that if I ever needed anything to look him up and he would be there for me. That meant a lot to me and I have that and his love in my heart. I would never look him up though as he is married now, but that nice piece of him I will forever hold in my heart. God bless you hon. Sometimes I think maybe we are only meant to give love to others, but God has his reasons.
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/29/2005 4:37:35 PM | Being alone does not necessarily mean that we are lonely. A person can be alone for a long period of time, enjoying the things he or she does, without feeling at all lonely. In contrast, there are those who cannot stand to be alone.
The American Heritage Dictionary states: "Alone emphasizes being apart from others but does not necessarily imply unhappiness. . . . Lonely often connotes painful awareness of being alone . . . Lonesome emphasizes a plaintive desire for companionship," that is, a condition of grief, woe, or melancholy. The person's heart needs to be comforted with sincere and loving fellowship for it to be cheerful once again. Finally, solitary is defined as a condition that "often shares the connotations of lonely and lonesome . . . Frequently, however, it stresses physical isolation that is self-imposed."
So you can see that everyone feels this when we have that basic need for companionship. Just don't let it get you down and enjoy the times you have to yourself while you can. The opposite of being lonely is being smothered with so much attention. The important thing is to be balanced. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/30/2005 12:26:41 AM | I am very happy to see so many thoughtfull replies and heart-felt expressions. Now, with 45 posts, let's summarize the consensus thus far. And my thanks to AzureGypsy for the compliment. I would love to know what feedback you get.
I wish to clarify something further as some posters seemed a little of the mark in their replies. The 'Intimacy' I am refering to is of the quality you can only get from a mate; lover; partner; fiance, choose the label that best fits you but I think you get the point. Friends, family and anyone we wouldn't otherwise share our body and soul with offer different 'qualities' of intimacy.
The majority of the posts agree that long-term lack of intimacy with a 'significant other' does take a toll on the soul. In dealing with this, some of us percieve pain. A pain great enough to erode our self confidence, worth and value perhaps disabling us to a degree to either attract, express, or feel intimacy again. Others have toughened just enough to continue their search, but not forgetting the scars that thoughts, feelings and emotions, or lack thereof, have left them. While others turn to spiritual beliefs, either because gOD loves us or we have convinced ourselves that transcendence can replace what surrounds us in our physical world. So we have three methods of dealing with this deprivation: suffering(sometimes, but not always self inflicted); hardening of our feelings; and distraction (work, volunteering, hobbies, religion).
Some of us here have observed that others, possibly more often than not, unconciously signal prospective mates that we have been wounded and are still healing. It may be that some are too eager, too reserved/closed-off, too tense, too hungry, too needy, or too false in their presentation and unintentionally push people away. These signals and behaviours deserve more attention on our parts. I smell ozone. Let's not forget these points as I feel personally that they require introspection.
'PoorGie' posted this for us:
"So you can see that everyone feels this when we have that basic need for companionship. Just don't let it get you down and enjoy the times you have to yourself while you can. The opposite of being lonely is being smothered with so much attention. The important thing is to be balanced."
I strongly agree PoorGie and thank you. Let us be warry however: when a need cannot be met, people sometimes attempt to compensate in some other way to balance themselves. Some people can make this trade off of 'give me something else if not intimacy' while for others, it is a near impossible or incomprehensible endeavour. For when we least expect it, someone, usually a friend, comes along and vents about being 'alone' for 3 months or needs to brag. The last point can have that salt-the-wound effect for some and throw that delicately created balance right out the window.
The good news is that it seems most of us would rather do without than comprimising who we feel we are. Pass up the one night stands; refuse to settle; continue to believe enough in ourselves that we shouldn't sacrifice the self in order to accomodate someone who isn't deserving of the real person each of us are. I think that shows some hope for all of us.
But might it also suggest that 'adaptability' is being avoided? Changing a little to inherit a lot.
HUGS for all!
Sincelery,
Eron-Wood | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/30/2005 7:18:31 AM | | what I wouldn't give to share a meaningful, heart-warming kiss...it's been much too long! Hmm I try not to think about it...otherwise I get sort of bitter about being exluded from the romantic world | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 9/30/2005 9:32:13 AM | | It just doesnt seem like a big issue for informed healthy people. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 2/22/2006 9:24:58 PM | There is nothing wrong with being alone but when it stretches on for days, weeks, and then months it eventually will convert to loneliness. It is a basic human need to desire to be touched and held and have people simply desire and enjoy your company. And if you are somewhat quiet and introverted like I tend to be, then it is very,very hard. I can identify with the young girl who commented that she doesn't have any friends. Me neither, not even male friends never mind a girlfriend. Acquaintances, yes, but none that I am close to. It would be great to have someone just to share a beer and a laugh with, simple commonplace things that so many people take for granted and yet are hard to come by for some of us. I can't remember the last time anyone touched me in any way, I wonder sometimes if I will ever experience female touch again but it's too depressing to sit and brood about it. I just know I'm a great guy, I like myself, and I try to stay busy and not think about it. | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 4/7/2009 1:37:04 PM | Agree.
Has anyone researched how childhood deprivation of intimacy results in grown-up children's difficulty in finding a partner? | |
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| Intimacy Deprivation
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:55:56 PM | | Wow! This topic sure strikes a chord. I can't lick my own ears or kiss my elbows. Gotta have someone else to do that! | |
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