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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/5/2005 7:22:04 PM | If someone wants to practice polyamory, polyandry or polygyny, that's really up to each individual and the people they want to be with also have to make their own decisions about it; and if they're happy with it, I certainly don't have a problem with it.
For myself personally, when it comes to a personal relationship with a man, I've never been able to date more than one man at a time, let alone be dating several and be intimate with them. Just can't do it. If I'm going to get to that stage with someone, then that's who I want to be with and be doing that with, not someone else. I've been told by friends that I should just date a number of different people, then find the one that I really want to have an exclusive relationship with, and that's probably a good idea; but I know when I date someone if I want to see more of them, and if I don't then I can't continue to do so. I also know if I do want to see more of them, then I can't date anyone else, even if they're not ready to be exclusive with me yet.
Just dating, to me, is when you're beginning to know someone and you both want to see if you want to continue getting to know them. Webster's defines it as "a person with whom one has a usually romantic date; to make or have a date with; to go out on usually romantic dates"...works for me ;) Relationship is defined as "the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship; a specific instance or type of kinship; a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings; a romantic or passionate attachment"...that works for me too ;) So if I'm dating, it's not a romantic or passionate attachment...yet ;) | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/17/2005 8:33:18 PM | poly_pal, sorry i didn't check back any sooner! please do post poly links.. i have found a few, but it always makes for great reading.
thanks! | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:06:00 PM | I prefer one person at a time. I don't want to know what he's doing when we're not together and don't ask. That is pretty much where I am right now. If he is seeing others, all I can do is show him how much he means to me and hope that : 1) He chooses me solely or 2) Breaks things off with me to avoid hurting me.
I've never been in an open relationship by choice. This time I have "hooked back up" with a former lover who went his own way a few months ago. I'm thrilled to be back in his company and just don't want to know who else is in his life. Maybe I'm wearing blinders, but I prefer to see us as monogamos. I will stay that way with him as long as he shares my bed. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/17/2005 11:46:10 PM | I wouldn't be into a polyamory relationship...a guy I dated briefly a few years ago contacted me last month! Was all gung ho about getting together then sprung it on me that he and his GF are looking to enter such a relationship...He explained it and while it sounded interesting, it is not for me. I want to be the one and only in a relationship because I only want my one and only. I do beleive though that there are many different possible one and onlys for a person to choose from...that is what dating is for!
I will date more than one person at a time if no committment has been made...but I won't sleep with anyone. Make sense? I think if someone is single and sleeping with everyone they date, that is slutty...
Just my own thoughts...
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/18/2005 11:50:30 PM | Sorry to take so long sinnergirl. Been busy trying not to lose my shirt in some hi-tech venture I am involved in.
Polyamory is a relationship style (and arguably style of living) involving the creation of "intimate networks" of friends, partners, and lovers. It is also referred to as "responsible non-monogamy". I don't know if that makes the status quo "irresponsible monogamy" (my words), but it seems to me that "serial monogamy" is very common and almost everyone on this site seems to have been a victim of it, or a party to, simply because people change or their relationship lacks something they need.
It is definitely not for everyone, but is really quite misunderstood. It also takes a lot of work and therefore requires pretty special and quite intelligent people to make it work.
Here are a few interesting links that you might find mind expanding. The first one is very good, the rest pretty good.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
http://www.polyamory.org/
http://www.sexuality.org/l/polyamor/polyfaq.html
http://www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm
PP | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 12:05:42 AM | | polyamory can work if all parties truly care about each other and its not just a sex thing,and I agree it is preferable to multiple 'monogomy' (haha)..I think it is possible to love more than one person,there is not one person who can satisfy all our wants,or if there is then I havent found mine yet lol.However for me personally,once I have got past the dating stage and so has the other,I know I'm a one man woman..old fashioned I guess,I admit to believing in all that Jane Austen stuff :)) but I certainly do not judge or close my mind to change .At the end of the day if all are happy,loved and cared for with honesty,then thats what matters. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 1:12:33 AM | I personally don't believe in the rule that there is one person out there for everyone. I believe that not any one person has all the true qualities i'm looking for. I figure that if I can meet someone who has 80% of those qualities then the other 20% can be worked on during the relationship. I would never try to change someone, but you're never going to find that 100% and chances are if you do it's only for a short time.
As for dating,,,,, if you are dating then you can date whom you please when you want. The only time I would not date numerous people is if I have had the "exclusive" conversatin with someone... at that time i'd commit to that one person and see where it lead me.
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 4:46:15 PM | But if time spent in an activity or with a second close relationship with another person sends you home to your main squeeze a happier person, then maybe all parties benefit?
The expectation that one person can fulfill all of another's needs, especially as people change over time, is pretty unrealistic.
Marriage was started at a time when people got married at age 14 or 15, and life expectancy was age 30. Who could have foreseen that you would be "stuck" with the same person 30, 40, 50 or more years? (LOL) | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 5:02:04 PM |
I prefer one person at a time. I don't want to know what he's doing when we're not together and don't ask. That is pretty much where I am right now. If he is seeing others, all I can do is show him how much he means to me and hope that : 1) He chooses me solely or 2) Breaks things off with me to avoid hurting me.
I've never been in an open relationship by choice. This time I have "hooked back up" with a former lover who went his own way a few months ago. I'm thrilled to be back in his company and just don't want to know who else is in his life. Maybe I'm wearing blinders, but I prefer to see us as monogamos. I will stay that way with him as long as he shares my bed.
But in your profile you state that he or you want to have a threesome with another lady if it is alright with her. So how can you do this and still perfer only one person at a time? Plus your profile states that you want to meet another women to get to know and then anything goes between the sheets. So that would be you, your lover and this other women that hardly is one person at a time.
By the way my stand on this is....If it is a serious relationship please don't cheat on me, I would never do that do another person, but if it has just been a couple of dates and nothing serious just let me know that you are talking to other women and I will tell you if I talk to other men.
Cheers  | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/19/2005 5:57:00 PM | Where is the fine line between single and slutty?
I don't use words like "slut" or "slutty" only except in describing the kind fo women I like.Really I'm a firm believer in to each his own.While I believe that a monogamous relationship is for the majority of people,I fell there are folks who simply cannot function in a monogamous relationship for a variety of reasons.If one were to say that monogamy was the only way to go and anything else was immoral then their only other option is celibacy.Not a good choice either for most folks(nothing wrong with celibacy if that's a person's choice,just doesn't sound like a lot of fun).
You can label alternate "immoral" or "dysfunctional" all you like,and I may even agree at a point,yet,many times in life,you have to make a choice which is the lesser of "evils".
What's worse,a person who ends up cheating on an undeserving significant other repeatedly or that person having a few FWB's who consentually "date" them knowing what they are getting into? | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:10:58 PM |
Just checking out opinions on polyamory, dating and single life. Do you think that there is only one right and perfect person out there? Can you accept dating more than one person and in fact loving more than one person?
Where is the fine line between single and slutty?
What is just dating, and how exclusive do you think that should be?
Do you date one person at a time, or does your phone ring off the hook?
Just curious...
I don't see anything wrng with dating multiple people at once, so long as sex isn't involved, but me personally, I can't ethicly justify (in my mind) sleeping around with multiple people at the same time. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/24/2005 5:46:02 PM | I believe it is up to the individual(s) in the relationship. Back in the mid 90's I was in an open relationship. What it taught me is that I am monogamous. I had no desire to sleep with anyone other than my partner at the time. I guess I am just a monogamous person. At the same time I have known several people who are in polyamorous relationships and it suits them fine.
Its important to know what your boundaries are but to respect the choices of others providing they are consenting adults of course/ | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/24/2005 7:22:16 PM | | Let me add my thank you Poly Pal for links to further information. I have a daughter who has experimented with a variety of love relationships and I find myself believing more and more that I can love more than one person at a time. Not all the men I care for share that confidence and/or perspective and I have come to realize that I have stronger connections to one person than another. And sometimes I worry about losing that connection to another person, but I know that would be the same in a monogmous relationship. Funny thing is the more I entertain the idea, the easier it seems to be to find something (emotionally) that I like about men in general. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/24/2005 7:23:47 PM | My measurement of the integrity of a polyamourous relationship would be to see what their children are doing today. Have they finished school? Stayed off drugs and out of Jail? Maintened a clean house and ernest career? Perform community service? etc...
Of course, those standards are hard to acheive and obviously many hetero folks shouldnt be allowed to marry or have kids until they finish school, get a job, stay out of jail, and dont use XS drugs or alcohol. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:17:27 AM | Do you think that it would put less pressure on a person to find everything they "need" in a single partner?
I find that when you put down your psychological barriers to the idea, your capacity to love grows, and each new contact has potential to make you better for your other relationships.
I like the idea that you do not have necessarily have to end a relationship to explore a secondary option. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:19:56 AM | Right Fishbill. Since the failure rate for traditional relationships is 2 out of 3, I think they may be a major reason for many broken homes and kids.
Since poly relationships tend to advance the cause of love, positive growth and honest communication, I could see how they might risk seriously damaging future generations! | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/25/2005 10:15:13 AM | | ....MY IDEAL SITUATION.....would be to hole up all the beautiful lovely men i have loved over my life time......and, all LIVE TOGETHER....lol.......of course, i would be the ONLY WOMAN tho.....lol.....SELFISH, HELL YES!......lol......and, of course, it wouldnt work, cuz, i ONLY love men, whom would NEVER consider sharing me......lol.......HENCE, why i am single.....and, WHY i am such a fragmented SOUL...........wandering.............lost..............always searchingggggggggggg....................lol......today is a weird day, for me. (sorry)......... lol....x0x0x00x0xx0 lisa | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:53:34 PM | | Thankyou sinnergirl for starting this thread, I believe that polyamory relations are more nateral then monogamous ones or there would not be so many people falling in love with others when they are not suposed to. I dont beleive that society in general is willing to accept polyamoly because they feel its wrong to love more than one person at a time. I would also like to thank polly_freind for the links she shared with us. keep spreading the love!!! | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 4/23/2006 6:33:06 AM | interesting responses. for any who voiced it, yes there is sex involved in some polyamorous relationships! what i am talking about is true relationships with more than one person, so if your idea of a real relationship involves sexual contact, then i mean sex with more than one person. some people have functionable marriages with no sex, so if that is your lifestyle, then i suppose polyamory would not include sex.
dating is not really what i mean here. dating usually means you are seeing more than one person anyway, or at least have left open the possibility of another entering the picture at any time. no harm no foul.
as for the mention of drugs and such, i really don't understand where you are going with that, unless you are thinking of a commune style hippy venture. again, that is not what polyamory is about. if you use it as an excuse to be a flippant whore, or use drugs as an excuse for your flippant whoring... lol... then you are more confused than open-minded!
this is not about extravagant gadding about! i have been (with the exception of a couple beers here and there) pretty much straight edge for the last several months. since quitting smoking, i have been straight edge for 24 days... so drugs have nothing to do with my situation.
how many people have had a real realtionship with more than one person, where no one considers it cheating? | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/24/2006 8:57:47 PM | First, I have to say that I am not religious and never have been, so my thoughts on this have nothing to do with a Christian god or any other god.
I saw a bit of that show "My Husband's 3 Wives" that airs on TLC, and so I came in search of this post. I also thought maybe I could get some advice from real people like that. Referring to the situation of the TV show; one man, three wives. They don't sleep with each other, he just sleeps with all of them (I assume not at the same time).
In this situation, the guy waited until after his first marriage (only legal one) to tell his wife that he didn't see staying mono (why get married then?) and that he would probably cheat on her. While she was away in the military, he met another woman. And rather than leaving, this woman (who must have self-esteem issues) stayed. (Personally, I'd have had the marriage anulled right after he told me that he couldn't see being mono...that's the sort of thing you tell someone sooner). What's worse is that there are children being raised in that environment. Where is CPS?
Poly is wrong on so many levels (in my mind). It is hard enough to make a relationship between two people work, let alone more. I figure that if one person isn't enough for you, then they aren't the right person, so break it off. Obviously the person doesn't care how it hurts the other person (and believe me, it does...even if on a subconscious level) to feel "not good enough" to be the only one. Many the other partner of the poly couples handle that by finding their own #2, I guess. NOT A SOLUTION! I think poly stems from intimacy issues or something. If one dumps you, you'll still have one (or more) to fall back on. The more people you date, the less time you have to spend with each one, so you don't get sick of them as quickly (perhaps why some poly "relationships" last longer than mono ones).
So, because I can't fathom any sort of real love being involved in a poly "relationship" I would like to know from actual polys (that are either a man with multiple women but the women aren't involved with each other, or a woman with multiple men that the men aren't involved with each other) why you do it.
At least if it's a triad and you all sleep together, I can sort of understand that (still warped, but I can understand it). But not one man/woman with two or three wives/husbands (as in the show). In that situation, are the women allowed to date outside the marriage? If not, is that really fair? Seems to me like a dude just trying to stake claim on as much *** as possible. I doubt you see many poly relationships like this involving one wife and three husbands. (all that sex would kill her... :))
I just don't understand AT ALL. I can't get my mind around it. To me, love means that you adore the other person, and you should always think of their thoughts and feelings before you make a decision. So, bringing another man home is obviously not going to bode well for your current bf/hub's confidence, or their importance to you.
Maybe it is just the guy in the TV show that is a ****head.
PLEASE EXPLAIN.......... | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/24/2006 9:16:53 PM |
Polyamory is a relationship style (and arguably style of living) involving the creation of "intimate networks" of friends, partners, and lovers. It is also referred to as "responsible non-monogamy". I don't know if that makes the status quo "irresponsible monogamy" (my words), but it seems to me that "serial monogamy" is very common and almost everyone on this site seems to have been a victim of it, or a party to, simply because people change or their relationship lacks something they need
Until about 8 years ago I would have been quite opposed to the concept of polyamorous anything. And then one day I realized something ~ who the hell am I to judge how others choose to manage their private lives? Poly is not (in my opinion) dating multiple people ~ true polyamorous relationships are committed relationships with more than one partner. I call dating multiple people frenzy dating (just to keep various relationship types separated.) It's unusually difficult for monogamous people to embrace this one small reality: not all people believe in monogamy. Unless one chooses to truly know and understand how/why some people choose a non-conventional lifestyle ~ they are basing their opinions on emotion rather than information. I have often laughed at myself because I am living a poly lifestyle ~ I'm just doing it one man at a time. I don't believe in forever for myself. I do want to believe it for others, but I don't lie to myself about me. I am not "forever" material. Maybe that is why I can understand poly lifestylers ~ it's a complex dynamic that is as individual as those who choose to live that way. I respect their honesty and I am often times amazed at the harmony that exists in those particular relationships. It's not how I would live ~ but I am not about to throw moralistic judgments at people who have created a life that is comfortable for them and their partner(s.) JMO  | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/24/2006 9:51:10 PM | | Whatever works for you. For me personally, making time for a relationship with one person is tricky as a single parent, so I can't imagine juggling two or three relatioships on top of full time work and parenting. Seriously, logistically it doesn't make sense to me. What if you have kids in all those relationships? To me it seems like complicating your life. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/24/2006 9:57:37 PM | OP: I'm a believer in one on one. I don't believe in dating several people at the same time, it's just not cricket. I am the type of person to put ALL of my energy into one person, and I would expect the same in return. It's a little thing called 'respect' for oneself, and the person I am dating. Involving others to join the bandwagon is just making life difficult and complicated for oneself. One at a time please.   | |
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