| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:50:09 AM | It all depends, I know a guy who was still living with his ex and dating another woman behind her back, she left him, he continued dating this woman, and another woman, niether knew about each other, the first one of course knew about the gf at home and suggested he hide the truth from her, because she knew the gf would be hurt by it. When it happened to her and it went past the dating and he was sleeping with them both, she left too, then the other one gave up as it wasn't a challenge anymore.
I don't think polyamourus relationships are all bad, but each person involved needs to know and agree with it as a few others here have said. If it isn't agreed on and one tells the other they are the only one, to me it becomes cheating.
I think these relationships hurt more people, then they do any good for.
Oh and the person who stated single=no sex
slut= lots of sex
where did you get that from? A slut is one who sleeps with multiples of people and doesn't really care who it affects, just as a whore is a paid slut. Look it up. People can have lots of sex with one person, but not really be in a relationship. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:19:16 PM | i am not sure that poloyamorous relationships hurt more people or destroy souls
there is no justification for saying this sort of thing, monogamy is about people owning people, how is that right? | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/20/2009 4:44:34 PM | I agree with MuskokanMan
Whatever floats your boat. When you an adult you can choose what type of relationship you partake in as long as you are honest with the other participant of the relationship and they agree with the arrangement.
Also if the person is initially ok with an open relationship relealize that you or the other person feelings could change. They may develop a deeper attachment and feelings for you and don't wish to continue the "open relationship".
Jealousy could arise in such a relationship as well. To me to have an successful "open" relationship, you have to work harder and put a lot into it to make it work for you.
I don't know from experience but I assume that would be the case. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:18:34 PM | my personal oppinion is ... i do not approve of all this multiple partner business if in a LTR...if you single and dating meanng just going out with someone without the intent of a LTR then thats simply dating so if you want to date someone every nite then by all means go for it you have no commitments to anyone so I would say it is ok... as for being slutty that depends on if you are sleeping with everyone you go out with now that would qalify as slutty...
If you like someone enough and they have told you the same you may want to ask them if they would be opposed to being exclusive and seeing where things went if not then there is your answer... it has to be a mutual agrement...
as before mentioned there is a fine line between going out on a date with someone and actually dating someone... going out is simply to have company to events and or see if you have enough in common to go any farther no strings so to speak... dating someone is that you have made the commitment to date them and want to be with the one person. when you go on a date if your phone rings off the hook then so be it does not mean you are slut or anything liek that just means you have not met the right one yet ... now if you exclusive with somone and phone rings off the hook then thats a whole horse of a different color and thats cheating.... | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:22:37 PM | many people who have posted speak morally from their own perspective - yes if you are hetero and monogamous a poly dynamic would be wrong - for you, however what if you are bisexual? what if you just can't pick between apples and oranges? maybe I am a strange fruit! Polyamory was not an apparent choice (we are not socialized to consider all the options)
1)I am far from slutty, in fact I require an STD check in writing before taking a relationship to a sexual level
2)I have found that I got more bites as a traditional lesbian! Pursuing a poly lifestyle has in fact limited my choices as much of our society is closed to these ideas, and we poly folk are rare treasures.
3) Which is more wrong? - being open and honest about one's sexual orientation and needs, or leaving a trail of broken hearts (serial monogamy) flipping back and forth between genders and never fully meeting one's needs? What is so morally wrong about a bisexual woman with a committed male and female partner? Polyamory and polyfedelity has nothing to do with lies or cheating.
It's about being honest with yourself and others. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:34:34 PM |
for you, however what if you are bisexual?
I know this won't be popular with the bisexuals on here, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
After dating a bisexual girl, I have to say that I do NOT believe this. I don't doubt that a polyamorous relationship can't work, but not the way that quite a few bis want it to.
The thing is, I don't see a bisexual person as someone that likes both genders. I see it as someone liking a wide subset of "features." Boobs, wide shoulders, nice legs, firm arms. So, if that's the case, why couldn't I have multiple partners? I mean, I like small perky boobs, but I also like big boobs as well. Shouldn't I have both??? (this is sarcasm, btw)
Bisexuality is NOT an excuse to have an unfair relationship. This is purely my personal opinion, but I think if you're bi and you want the opposite gender, you need to share him/her with your SO and have a *truly* open relationship (I see some couples that do this, and I think that's a very healthy good thing).
Don't do the all-too-common thing of "only one opposite gender; all-you-can-eat of the same gender." Even if your partner agrees, it's not fair to him/her. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:39:27 PM | | How people choose to live their lives is really no ones business but their own. If people are happy and like whatever type of relationship they have chosen to be in then I wish them all the best. No one type of relationship is right for everyone. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/24/2009 11:50:08 AM | If all parties are being open and honest and consensual - what is unfair about it?
threesome can be a wonderful thing if that is what all parties involved want - my boyfriend is hetero and monogamous and there for not interested in threesomes . . . just me as I am bisexual, polyamorous and all - and would never try to change me or be with out me - in fact he just proposed! What would be unfair is me trying to force him into a threesome as you suggest - or worse him trying to force me into a lifetime of monogamous heterosexuality.
Cype, I see no reason why you couldn't have multiple partners if that's what you wanted - so long as there is Consent on all sides. And here in lies the key factor CONSENT. People will do what they want with their bodies and their hearts and that is their prerogative it is honesty that we owe each other.
Everyone is different and maybe for some sex can be reduced to body parts and equated to an "all you can eat" buffet, to me this ignores the most important aspects of relationships and friendship. I find that the relationships I have with women are intrinsically different than the relationships I have with men. To me it is like comparing apples to oranges - and just because I like apples and oranges does not mean I always want a fruit salad! hahaha
It is possible that the communication barrier arises from how heterosexual monogamous people view sexuality - is sexuality just body parts for straight people? - not about friendship and love? Is that why you are so concerned with lies and deceit? It seems that the posts informing about polyamoury and polyfidelity are primarily concerned with honest open friendships which may involve intimacy. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/24/2009 2:40:23 PM | You have englobed three different aspects in one thread. Dating is dating, as long as you are honest with the people you are dating and they know that. Open relationships, where you are not exclusive but love each other and have sex with others. Polyamory is indeed loving more than one person.
In the end, as long as honesty , truth and trust are maintained, then either way whatever make someone happy. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:08:51 PM | | Dating is about getting to know people. There's a chance that you might meet more than one interesting person at a time and end up dating more than one. Nothing wrong with that. It happens. When you decide that one has potential to be a serious romantic relationship, you need to let go of the others, but make sure both people feel the same. "Slutty" implies sleeping with more than one person. That's always wrong. If your sleeping with anyone, it's best to have a ring on your finger first. Otherwise, there's bound to be trouble because at least one person in the relationship isn't actually ready to make a commitment as serious as that kind of intimacy implies. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 3/2/2009 3:31:26 PM | | I would love to put a ring on a woman's finger, but I won't give up my husband...so do I fall under polygany or polyandry? There is no specific term for a woman having a husband and a wife. It's hard enough to find acceptance for sexuality OR multiple marriages never mind both in one instance. I suppose we could get around it with my husband being a polygamist, but I would feel more like we both belonged to him rather than all of us belonging to eachother. I definitely believe in consent , equality and commitment for all involved so it's not a matter of sleeping around as many people like to criticise. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 3/6/2009 2:32:13 PM | There is no line, that is man or as the case may be woman made to make themself feel better, i find it usually directly corrulates with how far the stick is up someones ......
The heart is a huge organ and is able to love many people at the same time. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 7:52:10 AM | The whole success of 31 Flavors is built upon the fact that human beings like (heck, CRAVE) variety.
"Variety is the spice of life."
If someone said, "Pick your favorite ice cream flavor," in a heartbeat, I would say vanilla. But every now and then, I really crave some strawberry. Or some chocolate. Or some mint chocolate chip.
The great lie American society puts forth is that open relationships don't work, when truthfully, based on studies and interviews of those who live it, DO! The reason for the lie is due to the influence of the church.
Open relationships aren't for anyone -- and no one is forcing you to live one -- but for those couples who are secure and honest enough with themselves and their partners, it not only works, it strengthens their marriage/relationship. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:07:52 AM | In my world...
Dating is about getting to know people. There's a chance that you might meet more than one interesting person at a time and end up dating more than one. Nothing wrong with that. It happens. When you decide that one has potential to be a serious romantic relationship, you need to let go of the others, but make sure both people feel the same.
I will never practice polyamory which is being sexual and intimate in your "dating".
But, that is me. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:16:21 AM | Good grief,
LOL, I say most of the guys fantasizing about more than one woman in their bed better learn to satisfy that one first before they go adding extras, LOLOLOL
Polyamory is a subject that has been explored quite a bit recently on tv. But have any of you noticed, it is not the Brad Pitts and Angelina Jolies who are polyamorous, it's the trolls and the unwashed and unshaven. I don't mean to stereotype here, but if you find a wonderful partner, why would you want or need anyone else in your bed? Your partner should be able to do anything and everything to you that you want, and you should do the same in return, so therefore no need for multiple partners....unless you are into collecting women/men, and it seems those that are doing so aren't getting 9s and 10s, they are getting a lot of 2's.
I think that the 'open relationship' thing is just another way to say to someone that you are not attracted to them anymore sexually and want to go get a piece somewhere else, without all of the guilt. If a man is not happy with me in and out of the bedroom, he needs to move on! Please don't waste my time.
Beth | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:28:16 AM |
it's the trolls and the unwashed and unshaven.
Now where on earth did you -- who isn't even interested in open relationships -- research this data? Your statement is false. Those into the polyamory scene are no more or less attractive than anyone else.
Your partner should be able to do anything and everything to you that you want, and you should do the same in return, so therefore no need for multiple partners.
Open relationships are for both parties in a marriage/long-term relationship. It's something both agree on. To say that one person is going to satisfy everything you need rings hollow. Again, human beings like variety in every aspect of life -- from art, to music, to food, to fashion, to literature, to friends, and so on. So why does that not apply to your sexual partner?! It's okay to want variety from every aspect of life except sex and your partner?! That 100% does not make sense.
If a man is not happy with me in and out of the bedroom, he needs to move on!
It's not so much about being happy; it's about being fulfilled and stimulated. Think of the first time you hear a tune on the radio where you've got to go,"Oh, man, I have to buy this." So you buy it, listen to it a lot, and then don't listen to it much anymore. You still like the tune, but your level of stimulation from it diminishes. That's just natural.
Now obviously, human beings are vastly different than a tune on the radio, but the principle still applies. Couples in open relationships are still committed to the main relationship (marriage/long-term) first and foremost. The open play allows each to acknoledge the fact that they still find other human beings attractive and interesting. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:39:08 AM | All that may be true for you, Beth, but that doesn't mean you can generalize.
Most of the polyamorous people I've met have been in the pagan community, and most haven't been attractive, but there have been notable exceptions, and I was in a polyamorous relationship with several people who were at least 7's!
I can also be extraordinarily happy with one person in and out of the bedroom, and be madly in love with them, while we still both enjoy purely sexual encounters with others. It's simply provides a little variety and spice, and mostly just emphasizes and reminds us how good things really are between us. Since this is entirely an optional thing, we can choose to play only with 7 to 10's.
This works for us, but I don't expect that it would work for most, nor do I think the people who prefer monogamy are wrong - they're just different. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:44:35 AM | | I happen to find a lot of women attractive. When one finds me equally attractive, I'll settle down and concentrate on just her if that's what she desires. If not, I won't get too attached to her and will still continue to look around myself. Test the waters. Just use protection religiously. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:50:56 AM | LOL Zebra Circle,
I hope my SO never compares me and our relationship to a pop song! That would devastate me! I am so much more of a Broadway show!
And FYI, I do have some experience in researching the polyamorous lifestyle...I have seen multiple shows on television (everything from Real Sex to the History Channel), and I have a couple of people I know who are more into pagan lifestyle, as the gentleman above spoke of, and to be honest, it seems like a desperate attempt to find someone to love them and satisfy their sexual needs....more like quantity over quality.
If you are into this kind of thing, I hope you have a ball (pun intended) and find it fulfilling and satisfying. I however have been lucky enough to find a partner that DOES stimulate me completely, both in and out of the bedroom. I guess if you are not lucky enough to find that, then you keep searching for the Holy Grail. I am not saying there is anythng wrong with Polyamory, if it fulfills your needs, then by all means go for it. But it is not for me, nor would I put myself into such a situation. Methinks I will stay in the traditional relationship that makes me such a happy woman.
Beth | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 9:21:49 AM |
Do you think that there is only one right and perfect person out there?
No.
Where is the fine line between single and slutty?
There is no line (fine or not) in the same way that there are no sluts IMO. A "slut" or "slutty behavior" is someone else imposing his/her "moral" judgement on you/your behavior - nothing more, nothing less. And unless that someone is a person that matters to me, I (seriously) couldn't care less what other people think of me/my behavior.
What is just dating, and how exclusive do you think that should be?
Just dating is just that, just dating. Exclusive is when you both (or all;) decide to exclude others and become exclusive to/with each other.
Can you accept dating more than one person and in fact loving more than one person?
Those are two different questions in my opinion - sure you can date more than one person at a time, as long as you're honest with everyone.
As for the second part of the question, I believe that it's completely possible to love (and be in love with ) more than one person.
An open and/or polyamory relationship is not something I would care to explore at this point in my life but...it's something that might have interested me when I was younger and if I had been childless. I say might because I don't/can't know for sure...all I know for sure is that I have no problems with it.
Do you date one person at a time, or does your phone ring off the hook?
Haha. I don't date at all and no, my phone is certainly not ringing off the hook (well not for me anyway but I do have a teenager in the house ...grrr...  ;).
JMO
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 11:17:09 AM |
For example, to get the benefits of a relationship with someone, you have to give up dating anyone else
Actually, that's not true for everyone. You can have a great relationship AND date others, as long as everyone is in the know and agreeable. Usually, these are exclusive propositions, but it's not necessary that it be so.
remember the "road" to an open relationship probably means the person has tendencies towards some characteristics or personality nuances that could be indicative of the person's overall character
That is correct. It could be indicative of the ability to love greatly, think outside the constraints of social conditioning, and act ethically in the pursuit of their own and other's happiness. It can be a positive thing - or it can be negative. It certainly depends on the individual, doesn't it? Not everyone is the same, just as some can act ethically even in complex situations, whereas others cannot. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 5/27/2009 1:26:56 PM | Life of leisure put the true science behind the molecules.. and their is some very interesting research being conducted on mating and attraction and chemistry as to eggs and sperm.. and even rationalizing can't compete with what the body is giving off.
Beth .. also pointed out what I believe is really an issue .. as I have watched some videos of poly wogging .... the crowd pleasers I saw don't do a thing for me in terms of attractiveness either .. so maybe it is the universes way of saying tootles to certain genes.. so from an evolutionary standpoint we are breeding this type of behaviour out of the animal .. hmmm
It would be interesting how the laws of states would handle the legalizing of these unions .. as married groups and what benefits you could have with friends with benefits and group benefits .. sounds kindah like corporate collapse .
If a guy or gal is on this site they should be clear about what they are exactly looking for when it comes to the dynamics of the unions they already participate in .. transparency is necessary in the profiles of the profilers and profilees .. and I believe that trying to convince or contact someone that is clearly not interested is cohersive harassment and is just someone looking for a specific "look" for their suitcase of tricks... I respect the informative and transparent profiles on fish that have a sound understanding of how this works .. I don't have much use for people who try and recruit the unrecruitable.
poly wolly woo.. I have alot of friends .. none that I want to become poly with .. as in f'ck em .. but maybe if we weren't friends I would f'ck .. butt not in a nice way. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:07:30 PM | | Bumping this up to ask a related question: are there any success stories of helping people get rid of their social conditioning and possessiveness and become open to polyamory ? Failure stories of people unable to come to terms with non-exclusivity despite a very strong emotional and physical intimacy, would be insightful too. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 12:22:40 AM | I'm okay with people having whatever relationship they like as long as they don't try to trash talk what I like - that is, long-term monogamy.
Biologically, humans have evolved to have higher-level thought. What separates (wo)man from beast is our ability to not be ruled by instincts and hormones. It is our thought that gives us technology, that gives us society, that gives us laws, that gives us language. It gives us the capacity to do things many other species cannot do. Our thoughts are natural, so too must be the ideas many of us hold. To say one sort of relationship is against biology or less natural than another is false. Perhaps that would apply to a simple beast, but human beings are capable of far more. The stance I take is that people should do what makes them happiest, as long as it doesn't directly hurt somebody else.
For me, what makes me happiest is long-term monogamy.
To me, monogamy provides the most potential attention while having the advantages of both worlds. I mean no offense to those that are non-heterosexual - I only express my views on what seems ideal to me. Men and wome, while different, are equal. They have different genetics that work to code different hormones that create two very different people. These differences work together and the man-woman team's strengths will compliment each other and shield their weaknesses. They are stronger together than the sum of themselves separately. Their attention, in a permanent monogamous relationship, remains focused on the strength of their bond. This undivided bond is absolutely beautiful and potentially stronger than anything else, I imagine. | |
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