| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 8:33:44 AM | I do what works for me personally. I'm old skool when it comes to dating/relationships.
I don't have the inclination to be intimate with more than one woman, nor do I have the energy. It's a job in and of itself to keep a woman happy, satisfied and feel secure to begin with ! But the rewards are well worth it in the end. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 9:05:55 AM | Although I can certainly understand why someone might see merit in polyamorous relationships or that serial daters believe they are improving their odds of finding their significant other, I tend to lean heavily on good old fashioned one on one getting-to-know-you kinds of rapport with men.
I'm popular and outgoing. I may chat with several men or spend time having some good times /good conversation with those men, but my heart can only belong to one man and I'd desire the same exclusivity from him.
So yeah, I date one at a time, I love one at a time, and I am a one man woman who wants a one woman man.
I go for quality, not quantity. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 10:50:20 AM | well that kind of relationship isnt for me, Im not into Communist relationships sharing my woman with the community or as the boys up here say, Not interested in kangaroo gals ( hops from one bed to another)
If others want to do that, hey its your business not mine, I like the ole one on one thing my self. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:07:43 PM | I can't profess any kind of extensive knowledge about polyamory as a lifestyle, but it's curious to me that the bigtime polyamorists end up dependent on the taxpayers to support them, all their wives and their children. A lot of them seem to spend so much time in the bedroom, they can't be bothered to go to work.
I believe that the challenge of a monogamous relationship is to care as much about the other person's spiritual growth as we care about our own. To do so, we surrender the fruits of immediate gratification and the "me... me.. it's all about MEEEEE" mentality that's become so prevalent in these times. Our love relationships are "designed" for us to be sexual beings having spiritual experiences together and spiritual experiences BUILD the spirit.
I also think that "hoarding", particularly "people-hoarding" is a mental illness...
JMO | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:28:07 PM |
I believe that the challenge of a monogamous relationship is to care as much about the other person's spiritual growth as we care about our own. To do so, we surrender the fruits of immediate gratification and the "me... me.. it's all about MEEEEE" mentality that's become so prevalent in these times.
You couldn't be more ironic even if you tried to.. for a second I thought you were a poly proponent! There's nothing more about "me... me.. it's all about MEEEEE" than the possessiveness of an exclusive mind! "Thou shalt not make any other man/woman happy than me". It's not enough to connect at every level with each other, have amazing chemistry and intimacy, be totally open, have passionate sex or spend 6 days a week together... you must also not dare do any of these stuff with anyone else because after all... you're MINE!
It's ironic and sad that we use the same word for romantic/sexual "love" and their non romantic/sexual counterparts when they couldn't be more different in terms of selfishness and possessiveness. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 2:27:17 PM | You couldn't be more ironic even if you tried to.. for a second I thought you were a poly proponent! There's nothing more about "me... me.. it's all about MEEEEE" than the possessiveness of an exclusive mind! "Thou shalt not make any other man/woman happy than me". It's not enough to connect at every level with each other, have amazing chemistry and intimacy, be totally open, have passionate sex or spend 6 days a week together... you must also not dare do any of these stuff with anyone else because after all... you're MINE!
Oh... give it a rest LI!!! If you can't understand that sex isn't a playtoy for a hedonistic little boy, I doubt that anything I say will help you with that.
In the REAL world, most of us appreciate the fact that someone very special has come into our lives. Most of us know that focussing our efforts on our growth as 2 PEOPLE and as a couple, plays out well in the world around us. Most of us don't have time to be jumping from bed to bed after we've worked full time jobs, looked after our responsibilities, spent some time working toward worthwhile causes and spent some time with the person we love.
There's something called reverence and sacredness for those of us who believe that our sexuality has more value than a Fisher-Price playtoy to be shared with the neighborhood "kids". If you ever experience it, you will never again, sacrifice the beauty of one to one intimacy for the sake of your urges.
I personally believe polyamory is just one more way to avoid having to learn what it takes to be truly committed to someone and having to remove one's mind from one's crotch for more than a few minutes each day. So be it if that's the lifestyle you choose. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 2:31:21 PM |
I personally believe polyamory is just one more way to avoid having to learn what it takes to be truly committed to someone and having to remove one's mind from one's crotch for more than a few minutes each day. So be it if that's the lifestyle you choose.
Well said!
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:07:40 PM |
I would not comment on your "preference" if you came out and admit "hell yes, I am selfish and possessive when it comes to my romantic/sexual relationships". The only reason I replied was the ridiculous claim that poly relationships are "me me me all about me" when in fact the opposite is true.
All preferences are selfish and non-logical, beyond the point that they are preferences. A preference is liking Coke over Pepsi. While I have the ability to agree, it's preference and there cannot be, objectively, truth as to whether one is better than the other. So there is nothing logical about it. If it's not an appeal to logic, then it's an appeal to emotion. What emotion is somebody going for if they're going for their preference? Greed, I suppose, fits.
Arguably monogamists are greedy for wanting one person's entire attention to themselves. Arguably polygamists are greedy for wanting the attention of several people. Neither, in itself, is more correct than the other. In certain environments, it becomes a matter of opinion which is better.
I like Coke over Pepsi because it tastes better to me. I've already stated why I like monogamy better. For every reason you trash monogamy, there is a matching reason that could trash polygamy. If monogamy is possessive, then polygamy is greedy and unfocused. Can't say one is more selfish than the other though, that's just silly. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:47:38 PM | I've always felt that if it takes more than one woman, I've got the wrong woman.
I mean that in every way imaginable.
I had an adventurous girlfriend once that wanted to include another woman. Every guys dream right? Except for one thing. I loved her and I was afraid including someone else might be risky. So we never did. We did have something good, but it didn't last. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:59:37 PM | If you need to ask.....maybe you're too dumb to date.
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Sorry for the off topic question, but...........
Was that really called for ?
Just when I'm beggining to enjoy seeing a forum post without seeing this ! People, exercising poor judgement and lack of vision, make a smart ass comment !
Cheers
Paul | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:04:47 PM |
I read elsewhere that you're having a pretty tough time trying to get other people to buy into this hogwash. I can see why
Trolling eh? | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:54:31 PM |
magikarp, I appreciate your opinion, you sound more reasonable and less dogmatic than most monogamists. I'm a moral relativist myself and I rarely consider my opinions universally "superior" than the others, I'm all about personal preferences. Here I am arguing only about the association of specific words ("selfish", "greedy", "possessive", etc.) to specific practices (exclusivity, polyamory). I leave the moral judgments to those who claim to higher moral ground such as Silkenfire.
You claim that polyamorists are greedy for wanting the attention of several people. That's partially true, but why focus only on the taking part ? As in 1-1 relationships, it's a give-and-take; polyamorists also want to offer to more than one people.
As for the selfishness, do you think that the following two opinions are equally selfish ?
Exclusivist: "I want to be the only one to satisfy you romantically and sexually."
Polyamorist: "I love to satisfy you romantically and sexually but even more I want for you to be happy, regardless of whether I am the reason for it. If I happen to be the only one, great. If not, that's fine too."
Moral relativism ties in with my atheism. I simply believe things are, not that there's some universal "right", "wrong", "good", "evil", or that things have reasons or meanings, beyond physical and chemical reactions at various scopes. Of course I do have my preferences and in the real world I will exercise my social and economic power into explicity supporting those that operate by my preferences, but I acknowledge it's not universally right or wrong, but simply is.
That being said, we're working on a completely open philosophical framework - I'm not sure if you really see the point in debating the issue, given this. While you can continue to argue that polygamy (it's quicker to type than polyamory and more readily available in my mind, plus you understand what I mean, so I don't bother using the effort to aim for precision in my literature) is more/less subjective quality X, you know that unless we setup some framework limiting the freedom of the definition of such qualities, it would be fruitless. If you want to debate with some framework, discuss the framework you'd like to use and perhaps we'll come to a mutual agreement and go from there. If not, then don't bother. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:54:50 PM | (...) polyamory is treating one's sexuality like a playtoy instead of with the reverence and beauty it deserves
(...) spending their time out jumping from bed to bed.
There... does that help your reading comprehension?
Absolutely, it confirmed by previous position that you don't know WTF you're talking about.
It is neither selfish NOR possessive to be capable of valuing something that is beautiful and special. Where true intimacy exists, one of the elements of that intimacy is that it is placed above all else... not unlike most of the other things that we cathect to in this lifetime. If you are incapable of putting your intimacy on the pedestal it deserves, you will have to content yourself with kicking all that goes into intimacy around with no more value than you'd place on a football in the schoolyard.
I could have written the paragraph above myself while talking about polyamory. What you don't seem to be able to grasp is that "something that is beautiful and special" or "true intimacy" don't presuppose exclusivity. I'm all about intimacy and bonding and everything you appreciate in a traditional relationship. I just don't accept that the recipient has to be only one at any given period of time. After all there are no true monogamists, only serial ones that hop from relationship to relationship every few months or years.
I don't share the parenting of my children with other parents, nor do I parent other people's children. If part of my friendship with someone else is for instance, that we treat each 0ther's confidences with the respect they are due, I am most certainly not going to go share them with other people. And I certainly don't engage in a sexual relationship with my parents, my children or my friends/colleagues.
Are you trolling, playing dumb, or what ?!? What I meant is, do you have trouble sharing your love among your two or more children ? Do you feel you need to select between your father and mother ? Do you get jealous if a friend of yours gets together with a different friend ? If you say that all these relationships are not sexual, that's a cyclic argument. That's the whole point of the discussion, why are sexual relationships an exception. If you take it for granted that "they just are", there's not much to debate about.
There's a HUGE difference between being "selfish and possessive" about my intimate relationship and treating it with the respect, value, sacredness, reverence and importance it deserves. A HUGE difference!
Ditto as above, I could have written this spiel. I treat each of my poly relationships with the respect, value, sacredness, reverence and importance it deserves. Part of the respect is recognizing that I don't have the exclusive rights in my partners' happiness. Your mileage may vary.
Rest of your irrelevant/trollish comments ignored; please stick to the topic if you want to be taken seriously. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 9/29/2009 7:38:34 PM |
I could have written the paragraph above myself while talking about polyamory.
But... another HUGE difference... You didn't write it yourself, did you? No... you didn't. I did.
What you don't seem to be able to grasp is that "something that is beautiful and special" or "true intimacy" don't presuppose exclusivity.
And what you don't seem to be able to "grasp" is that part of what makes that intimacy beautiful and special IS its "exclusivity".
I just don't accept that the recipient has to be only one at any given period of time. After all there are no true monogamists, only serial ones that hop from relationship to relationship every few months or years.
Hogwash!! There are many marriages that are both faithful AND lasting. If you want to use today's high divorce rates to support your um... er.. reasoning, you need to remember that there are a lot more things that go into a "committed" relationship where people are actually investing in one another and their coupleship. If you think hopping in the sack with numerous other people is going to build a good relationship with someone, I daresay you have a lot more time on your hands than the rest of us do.
Rest of your irrelevant/trollish comments ignored; please stick to the topic if you want to be taken seriously.
That's the other thing I find with men who are of the polygamist persuasion. Most of them tend to be bossy, controlling and dominating. Thanks for reminding me...
Overall, Buddy, I couldn't care less how you decide to live but it sure seems to me that a lot of people share my view about treating one's partner like a valuable human being instead of some little Tonka truck they can just leave parked in the sandbox whenever the mood suits them. I don't see that happening on your side of the opinion.
None of this is worth my valuable time so do carry on without me and try not to leave any further insults in your wake. It really does detract from your credibility. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:01:26 AM | | I acually believe in it,know of others that practice it, and want it for our relationship, but find it hard to find others who would want it! | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:09:20 PM | I have been in twice open relationships, but they were usually long distance which meant we cared for each other and allowed flexibility others. But, do I want to do that again. Possibly not. I want to find a partner in crime, and possibly be open to more unconventional modes like swingers clubs and things we can do together. (not necessarily full swap). Do I want him to have relationships with these women, one on one no. Would he want me to do the same? Then its not a relationship anymore. I am not jealous when its a physical thing, when his heart no longer belongs to me but many other women, then I am not his special one anymore. I didn't sign up for a harem. In that case I want 10 cabana boys and I'm Cleopatra.  | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:07:07 AM | | Please send me those links. The whole "your the only one for me thing " seems to me sort of ridiculous in the sense, that only 1 person is right for you when theres 6 billion people in the world. When I think about it it would seem like it closes off a lot of relationships the whole being exclusive thing, but I'm not sure I've never been in a relationship with a girl and had her shared by another guy so I can't say. It all comes down to jelousy and we all say jelousy is a stupid trait and we acknowledge that but why is it when it comes to love it's totally ok. Please send those links thanks. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:45:20 AM | | polyamory is big around here. it's not for me. i want to develop a relationship with many layers, one to one, in depth and over time. i want to balance this with other things going on in my life. some people want the same, some are threatened by the intimacy beyond sexuality and some are really truly "poly". i don't judge them nor do they judge me. at least those i know. i do want to know upfront where a person stands on the issue, given it's prevalence, so neither of us waste each others time in terms of considering each other as mating material. other than that, we all join in on activities, etc. everyone is different and as long as open and honest, then i see no reason to try to change someone else. that is why the world is diverse. there are enough people in it to find those with whom you gravitate. tantra yoga is being commercialized around here, but for me, engaging in a true tantric relationship where there is a bond on all levels, is my ideal. i believe i am slowly reaching that level of understanding in who i am meeting lately. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:48:05 AM | | Dating acquaintances which to me is just that...open/dating/polyamory relationships... are good...like some people are quantity over quality types. They'd be the one on fast food joints and would consider eating at a Food Hall a date. A bargain is good... to a point I guess. You see it all the time at the supermarket check out...the people that would dive for 24 toilet rolls made out of unrefined industrial grade recycled sand paper over 4 rolls of silky smooth toilet roll goodness for the same special price of $4.99. Knowing someone in-depth to me is far more exciting...riskier, costlier, but the return on investment takes forever, sometimes you get a kick in the eye instead...and they poo-poo your musical taste and choice of reading material and tell you how to save on toilet roll with those. Knowing the nuances and bits that make them tick far more satisfying than the occasional random root, I found....I mean I hardly ever remember their names or faces, or their goddamn birthdays, or if they had a root canal operation sometime in their twenties, how they like their toast, how they smell without that FemFresh stuff. Heck, I can't even remember if they were even a good root. All I know is that they were a good bargain... on sale, but the quality was nothing to write home about. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:43:10 AM | I know a couple that swings. I asked the wife one day how she does it because I could not. Her reply " I love him too much and can't let him go" how sad. The same day she told me this is the same day she told me how he had given her an STD for the fourth time in there 20 year marriage. Needless to say I do not call them friends only aquantiances because I will not associate with people having such low morals.
Meanwhile, to each their own. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:34:29 AM | My two cents worth:
1) I think there are many suitbale matches out there. There is no one right and perfect person. I think that we have to, and to some extent we do, make concessions, compromises and choose another that is best suited. Perfect? No such thing.
2) I think that you can date more than one person at a time. Typically though this is done without the knowledge of the other datees and this is where the problem comes in. Is it ethical to date several persons at once? Unless you are open about it...no.
3) Can you love more than one person at the same time? Absolutely. Most people has a maligned vision of what love is. Their idea of love is possessive and therefore in their mind one that loves can only love one.
4) Just dating is just that ...going out on a select date with someone. "Just" dating suggests to me that the relationship /friendship is casual and the participants are free to date elsewhere as well.
5) Exclusive dating is wher ethe couple have decided to and have talked about being exclusive...no dating others. This particular landmark typically occurs in the woman's mind the first time the couple has sex. that man is not always aware of the landmark .
I have dated 6 women at one time before and all knew about the others. Sometimes we wnet on group dates and other times one on one. The one thing I had to keep in mind was that these women as well had the option of seeing other guys. One has to be able to handle the emotional turmoil this type of relationship can throw at you. | |
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| open/dating/polyamory relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:40:55 PM | | I truly wonder when you did the group dating thing, one male and six women if the women went because they were all genuinely interested in you or they wanted the challenge or beating the other girls to you. | |
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