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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 4:19:18 PM | I think you have a point, while I would date a single mom ,and I would
expect and respect her for putting her children first, I would not like to be
the last thing she thinks about, and if the relationship grows then I think
I would be pleased if the childern looked to me not as a second dad but
a good friend , who has shared many of life s moument s good and bad
then I wouldn t look at them as a burden or baggage but as an extention
of there mother s love, for alowing me to be part of the family | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 4:41:41 PM | | Women with children are to be admired. However, there are plenty of women out there that look just as good, are just as smart, just as funny, live just as close, just as helathy, make just as much money, and have all of the other desired characterists, but don't have children. What does that mean? It means not having to worry about a babysitter every time you go out. It means not having to worry about having a date interrupted because something is going on with her kid. Sure, these things are only minor annoyances, but if you date a woman with no children, you won;t have to put up with them at all. Unless you're a single male parent I say stay away from women with kids. | |
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JSJR
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Joined: 5/20/2006
Msg: 703 | |
| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 7:34:35 PM | To me the big thing is that when a man hears that the woman he's dating has children, it presents him a whole new level of responsibility, and, in response to this, many men immediately begin considering the relationship as a whole. It's a lot of responsibility to care for children, and, to do the children justice he has to find his feelings fast and be pretty honest with them. Sometimes it's too much. Other times, he really does love the woman, and accepts that her children could potentially become his as well.
I disagree, however, that the man should come second to the children. I understand that will be the case for a long time during the relationship, but, upon engagement, and, having shown he's legitimate, he should be treated the same way as if he was the actual father of her children. I think that obviously he's going to be spending a lot of time learning to accommodate and be flexible and learn and try hard to fit in and show he cares, and it's up to him to prove that. I think that he'll also have to prove his love for the woman and the children, but he should be considered an equal in the family, once he becomes a part of it, and not treated as an outsider. I think it's not healthy for anyone in the family. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 8:31:03 PM | | JSJR - A parent is never equal to the child/ren. Children always come first, ALWAYS. Even with both biological parents. Even if this step father is treated as the biological father, he is still only equal to the women, and hence still not equal to the children. In the case of 2 single parents coming together, this equality would have to be reached prior to living together. Unless of course they are both crap parents :-) | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 8:45:46 PM | Okay, time out ! When we all stop thinking of ourselves as merchandise, and concentrate on our own happiness, not that which would be given to us by another (gee, isn't that how the credit card companies want us to think), then when we can all stop keeping score and worrying about who gets what, then that's when it happens.....you don't care who thinks what, you become a family and you will stand together against the world. It does not matter if you have the biggest plasma TV, the finest house on the block, or the coolest clothing out there, much less the "best" car......all these things can be taken away in a split second, while those you REALLY love are the true treasures of your life. Just take a look at CNN, or think about some recent disaster - see any fools carrying plasma TV's in the flood waters of New Orleans ? You think those things worked once they got them back to where ever ? Did they bring any food to their loved ones or were they left to cry in hunger ? Or worse....
I'm a widow of 7 yrs with an adorable, disabled 8 yr old son. I had it all, so I don't worry too much when someone says I'm too this or too that, so no date. I know what true, meaningful love is, and the smiles and hugs I get everyday from my son keep me going.
Of course I'd like to be with someone, but not if it means being less of myself to make them feel better about themselves ! Shrug it off and walk away knowing you are not diminished by it. Settling for a M/m Right-now may mean that M/m Right walks on by...Grandma was so cool !  | |
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JSJR
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Joined: 5/20/2006
Msg: 706 | |
| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 9:05:13 PM | lurvaboy--I think we likely think the same way, but our words are a little different to describe our beliefs.
When I was a little boy, my mother always said to me and my siblings "I love all of you equally." She didn't want anybody to feel like they were less loved. But when we asked "What about Daddy?," she responded "I love him the same (amount)." The idea being that nobody is loved less, and that we were all equally important.
I still hold this belief today. Nobody is more important than anybody else: we are equally important. Of course my parents worked as hard as possible to provide for us children, and they always, time and time again, sacrificed for us, but it doesn't make them second. They are still human beings too, and need to be treated as such. Not as second-importants...
But I think that all semantics aside, we're more than likely on the same page. The children are important and a lot of sacrifices have to be made on the parent's part to raise those children is I think the summary of it. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/28/2006 9:13:20 PM | | In those words it does sound alot better. But I will never be as important as my children and when they ask a question that leads upon that path, i simply tell them that they are way more important to me than i am to me. I don't think you can be even a half decent parent if that isn't the way you think. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/29/2006 7:04:21 AM | | I have kids myself (one that lives with me & one that doesn't) and I seem to have the same problem from women once they find out I'm not just an "every other weekend" Dad. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/29/2006 7:50:25 AM | i have a son and i dont have troble finding dates.. but most the men i see jus dont understand the sacrafices u make w kids!!! so i dont date much i dont want men cumin in and out of my son's life, most single men after a few months find out they cant deal w it!!! | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/29/2006 7:26:06 PM | I think you have to factor in current laws and litigation as well.
The issue of paternity is becoming much more complicated. Some men find out much later in life that children they thought were theirs is actually someone elses child. Many of these men, not all, but many, are asking to be relieved of child support payments and restitution. Many court rulings have denied this saying these dads are the only dads the kids have known and since they signed the birth certificate, its just too bad and they have to keep writing those checks. Men are now being sued for child support after donating sperm to sperm banks for articificial insemination. Many people want to put themselves in the shoes of the mother with three kids, I suggest putting yourself in the shoes of a man who is being told to raise a kid thats not his because he signed a document by means of deception.
I think given all these lawsuits and the convoluted Family Court systems, a man has to weigh out whether if dating and eventually living with a woman with kids will force him into legal fatherhood. Its one thing to accept you may be a surrogate father or male influence on your own choice, its another to be compelled legally. I know men who considered donating their sperm to clinics to aid infertile couples, but now won't even do it for a million bucks. No one knows when and how the laws will change and I think that makes alot of men leery about children in general.
And thats why I think many men avoid women with children, men are fairly practical, and its a situation where they maybe be taking some huge risks with very little upside for themselves. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 4:50:55 PM | Is the measure of a man how much he's willing to give to save a woman from her own choices? I don't think so.
Every woman who states "real men are only those willing to date single moms" speaks from her own bitterness. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 6:41:30 PM | This is in response to simbadsailor...........
I do believe it seems as you are the one who is bitter! Not every woman needs to be saved... And we all have choices don't we? More often than not it is the mother who takes the responsibility in raising children if a marriage breaks down...not to say that men can't do it...most men.....(not all men) don't want the responsibility that comes with raising kids.
Being responsible, generous and non-judgemental of others is a sign of maturity. And that my dear, is what seperates the men from the boys! | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 6:50:06 PM | I think you have to look past what people say and see what they do.
There is a disproportional number of single parents on POF. The common link seems to be they have a hard time finding a mate they deem suitable and they all have preexisting children to bring into a relationship. What does that say?
It says there is no incentive out there for men to date single mothers.
Single mothers can say whatever they want, because its not going to change the fact that single mothers are a disproportionately large segment of the POF community and many aren't having luck finding dates or finding someone to enter in a relationship with them.
If being a 'boy' means you don't want to raise another guys kids, eat the implicit financial cost, take on the potential long term financial and emotional liability with virtually no upside, then by all means, call those guys whatever you want. Just don't have your kids call them 'Daddy' | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:03:57 PM | If all have choices, why do you demean those who choose not to date single mothers?
I'm responsible: I don't have children if I'm not ready for them.
I'm generous: I will help any person who needs my help.
I'm non-judgemental: I don't judge you or your actions.
Being responsible, generous and non-judgemental doesn't mean you have the duty to step up and take a responsibility that is not yours (And who is more judgemental that somebody who thinks: "if a man does not want me, he's not a man"). Anyway, most men want the responsibility that comes with raising kids... their own kids.
I insist: any woman who somehow demeans those men who choose not dating her, for whatever reason, speaks from her own bitterness. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:09:42 PM | | LOL MrGordon........who has put it in your mind that all single Mothers are after is a man to emotionally and financially support us? The 1950's are over! You know what?...I am finished reading these posts. It is men like you who create the stigma about what and who a single Mother is....Let me tell you what most single Mother's are like....We are compassionate, hard working, unselfish and smart enough to stay away from arrogant men like you!...You may want to look up those traits of personality for a definition. They are the foundation for a good personality. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:15:03 PM | Who you date is a matter of personal experiences, opinions, and the things you witness throughout your life. Some men (and women for that matter) have a set of those experiences that puts a big stumbling block in the way for them to date a parent. I am sure if you all think about it you have a set of conditions in your life that have helped you establish your preferences.
It is just like so many of the other threads on here : some people are upset because the whole world does not want to date them because they are :
fat/thin
parent/non-parent
rich/poor
blonde/brunette
glasses/no glasses
short/tall
flamingo/pigeon (that last one was just for fun, lol)
Dating is hard enough without pre-existing issues before the relationship even starts. If a man does not want to date you because you have kids, why would you care? It is only something that would cause trouble down the road. There are plenty of men who do not find it a problem - make your life easier and don't try to be Supermom, fighting inequality and striking down all nay-sayers in your path! | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:18:26 PM | "If being a 'boy' means you don't want to raise another guys kids, eat the implicit financial cost, take on the potential long term financial and emotional liability with virtually no upside, then by all means, call those guys whatever you want. Just don't have your kids call them "DADDY"
I agree with you because EVERYONE of us knows rather we will admitt it or NOT that our baby/kids ONLY have ONE daddy and ONE mommy, no matter who we end up dateing/marrying there should be NO reason why our kids should "HAVE" to call, another woman or another man "mommy/daddy". | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:18:55 PM | in response to simbadsailor
You have missed or lost the whole thread of this topic! If you don't want to date a single parent...or have no intention of doing so...then why are you even commenting? Just bored?...I do not demean a man's choice to not date a single mother if he himself is single and childless. Personally I won't date men who don't have children. Please save your opinions for topics you have had some experience with. Who knows....you could be a single Father some day!!...And then I would love to hear what you have to say...because then it would be releveant to this discussion. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:25:42 PM | ^
Good personality goes a long way.
But it never goes as far as good personality plus youth, plus no kids, plus wealth, plus good looks, plus no ex husbands, plus being in your prime period of fertility.
In the dating world, if the first thing a person has to offer is good personality, then unfortunately its going to be tough for them to date in general. I'm not saying a good personality is not essential, but its like putting on your resume that you happen to have two hands and ten fingers. Guess what? Most people have two hands and ten fingers.
And what is a relationship? Where you met someone who compliments your life, they are there to support you emotionally and share in the finances to maintain a decent standard of living. I would be a little hesitant to meet anyone who didn't want some kind of emotional or financial support in a relationship.
I don't create any stigma, its the united voice of many men who simply won't date single mothers. Like I said, you can say what you want, but I'm watching what people do. Single mothers are a big percentage of POF members and they are having a hard time dating or finding a mate.
I'll make you a deal, I'll look up 'good personality' in the dictionary if you'll look up 'marketability' | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:32:57 PM | Dear babs, if you care to read my profile, you'll see I'm a single father. So whaddayaknow, what I say is relevant to this discussion.
Do you see me demeaning those women who don't date me because of it? No.
Do you see me calling single, childless women who want childless men "immature bimbos" or similar? No.
Do you see me complaining because some women won't date me? No.
Big difference, isn't it?  | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 6/30/2006 7:48:24 PM | | I say to this thread we are who we are. Being a parent doesn't define me as a woman and being a woman doesn't define me as a parent. Of course they exist what a waste of a good thread space. | |
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