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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 2/18/2007 6:35:41 AM | piano4te,
Man, I have to hand it to you for tellin' it like it is!
I'm new here, and this is probably the absolute worst post to introduce myself on, but
this is a subject that I feel strongly about.
Unfortunately, you've hit the nail right on the head!
The problem is no one seems to know how we got to this point.
When you see a profile that screams "My kids are my life!", "My kids come first!", that's usually a BIG red flag!! That tells me all I need to know. No man wants to be 2nd, 3rd, 4th in line after whatever silly daily "crisis" is occuring.
These women are suffering psychological trauma.
Bottom line......Your mate should come first. That's the foundation for a stable family......two committed ADULTS. Everything else falls into place rather easily when you build on a solid foundation.
In all fairness to single moms everywhere, this is a common situation alot (not all) find themselves in. And, guys, we have to take our share of the responsibility for putting them there.
It usually starts out with a vision of a nice life with a loving relationship, a little gingerbread house with the white pickett fence, 2.5 kids and the dog etc.......pretty much the American dream.
Then somewhere between the dog and the second mortgage... shit hits the fan.
The dream gets shattered.
More likely than not "prince charming" turns into an insufferable a$$ole and the woman gets so beat down emotionally that she has virtually no self esteem left.
Be it alcohol, drugs, infidelity, physical and/or mental abuse, whatever the cause of the split up, the woman buys into the lie that she's not worthy of being loved. It's just not in the cards for her.
Along comes the urban myth called "unconditional love" that the media has pounded into our heads, (thank you Ophrah!) and she gets sucked into believing that the mother/child bond is the only "true" lasting "forever" love that exists. "You don't need a man, you have your kids!"
"They'll love you unconditionally, no matter what!" "They have to love you...DNA say so!"
They get VERY, VERY possessive, and protective of that bond and, yeah, while they may want a partner, that partner is always going to come in, at best, 2nd or 3rd.
Welcome to the modern day dysfunctional fractured family!
I've even seen this behavior extend to the point that, although not intentional, the lives of the children have been harmed. Mothers who can't let go of the security blanket they have wrapped themselves in for 18+ years. In fact, it's not uncommon to find 3 generations of emotionally crippled family members living under the same roof. Teenage mothers are welcomed, if not outright encouraged to move right in. (Kind of like knitting on another 18 years to that blanket.) Or, when the kids finally do leave, they pray for grandchildren to return.
Sad, so sad...... it gets passed from generation to generation.
No wonder society so casually accepts it.
Who's to blame??? Men blame women, women blame men.....round and round we go....
The truth is, there are forces within our society that benefit greatly when families fail.
So much in fact, that they have found all the tools necessary to achieve just that.
That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it! (Sorry if I offended anyone.) | |
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baysey
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Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 1502 | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 2/18/2007 6:02:47 PM | | Here again I could ask the same question , I am a single father of 3. Dating has proved to be a limited nightmare. It's just as tough to find women who are willing to date long term if your a single dad. There are both out there I am sure , I guess we have to just keep looking? | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 2/18/2007 6:22:07 PM | | Wow ! I gotta say I disagree with a lotta this post. I agree with parts of it, but speaking as a single father , I am guilty of a lot of what you point out here as a problem. "My kids come first" is something I have uttered out of my own mouth many times, In most cases when you see that on a single parents profile it is a flag. It's a flag that says hey I have kids and I don't casual thing and they are a part of my life. It says , I want to let you know about them up front. It says I won't let our dating get in the way of my responsibility. Why make it sound like we have to as men be on the defensive about it and "red flag" it? I have no problems coming second or third , I already put my 3 kids ahead of myself anyway. If your willing to date single parents , you already know this isn't a sign of the need for therapy. It's simply putting the fact that you have kids on the table and letting possible interested parties know your not in it for some casual dating time. Some people without children may not understand that the kids come first , I certainly do. On the other side of that , I do agree that if you have a solid foundation to build a relationship on everything falls into place including the children. Maybe that phrase is to weed out those who won't be good parental figures, and who won't understand that the kids do come first. "Your" needs get met when the day ends and after all the daily chores of parenthood end, so in my opinion , it all boils down to .......yes the kids do come first! | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 2/18/2007 10:47:21 PM | ready4real1,
Point taken........just thought I'd point out why alot of those relationships don't always work out like everyone would have hoped. Not everyone has the same expectations going in.
No need to be on the defensive, (the flag) just a word or two of caution. Lots of emotions
at stake on both sides.
Traditional (old school) values and ideas sometimes clash with "new age" thinking.
I see alot of single mothers are just spelling it out up front, and that's good, but quite a few
seem to be sort of .....well, screaming it out loud!
Not so much a s/p bashing post as a sad commentary on society in general.
I'm sure if you were to talk to folks from an earlier generation they would tell you that
together, the adults must come first, because they, alone are soley responsible for their children. Parents ARE the foundation upon which families are built. Financially, emotionally,
spiritually, etc. One provides for the other.
Emotionally secure parents=emotionally secure children, or at least far better odds.
What we've been led to believe today, is "everything is about me, me , me."
Imagine if two adults were to actually consider one another's needs as a vital element in keeping a healthy family unit in place.........anyone see how that could NOT be beneficial
to the children?
"Reverse engineering" is a handy tool. LOL! If we understand what's broke and why, 99% of the time backing up gets us to a point where it will function again.
BTW, my other post is "as told" to me by more than one single mother.
Pretty common, really.
In answer to the OP's original question......................
Yes, as long as everyone is on the same page, sure. | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 1507 | |
| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/2/2007 12:05:25 AM | hardrock225,
I know you wrote this post a few weeks ago....and I wish my response to it had come two minutes after you posted it.....Fist of all....I think you are mistaken when you define a single Mom as being defensive when putting her kids first. It should be looked on as an attribute....not a flaw in a woman's character. I am sure if I were to talk to women from generations past...they would say they led the life their husbands choose for them...without much complaint. You cannot reverse back to the age where women merely accepted and men ruled. I am a single Mom...and I have 3 other people who depend on me for everything from food to shelter...with lots of snuggles in between. Perhaps the reason some of us gals are so loud in voicing our position on being a Mom is to weed out those who aren't worthy of the rewards we have to share. It is tough to date being a single parent...It is even tougher finding a person who's priorities are in line with your own....... | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/2/2007 10:30:32 PM | Hey Hardrock
Are you a parent?
from the sounds of the post you must not be..as with single parents, and meaning the ones who have had the partner walk away and leave them by themselves they have to put the kids 1st.
For a 2nd adult, comming into that picture, they have to be aware of what they are walking into, and even with 2 people who have been toghter for yrs, kids will always come 1st.
Your mate must come 1st????
WTF
is that a general statment or one based on fact...If that were the case my kids would be in a real bad place...because as a adult if you ask a parent to choose between there childern and there mate
GUESS WHAT!!!
the mate will loose
If you want to get specfic..yeah there are sometimes where the mate (GOD I HATE THAT WORD)
but over all single parents MOM OR DADS, need to think about, and consider there kids fir the most part 1st
So stick to your story...I always have liked fairy tales
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/2/2007 10:46:58 PM | | Yes unfortunalty its a Black Flag we carry proudly, I think alot of men don't give us the chance. Lets just get it straight I'm not looking for a Dad she has one, I'm not looking for someone to babysit or change diapers. I'm looking for someone for ME | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 4:01:42 AM | | yes there are men who date women with children. but there are times when if the children take a dis-like to the male then the relationship will not get off the ground as some(not all)children become resentful to there mother dating another man and not there father | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 10:22:50 AM | There're several men out there eager to date women with kids. It is ironic to find out women are scared about dating father with kids. I was dating a woman recently and she left when my daughter moved to live with me. Her complain is that I don't want to be judge. Is it a crime to be a responsible father?. I understand what you're going through but men do go through with the same issue too. Good luck in your search. The right man will definitely shows up one day. Keep the faith, don't generalized and never loose hope.
D | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 12:06:38 PM | | I prefer to date a man that has kids due to the fact that i cant have any more kids. but keep meeting men that cringe at the word kids. well good luck with your search. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 4:06:10 PM | You bet!! I was single 10 years ago with one child and am now single with 2 children. I have never had an issue with people not dating me because I had children. When I was last single, I was 25 and most of the men I dated did not have any children of their own...it was just never an issue.
I have seen so many posts on here about this same issue and I don't get it. Perhaps I have been lucky or maybe there is something about me that just makes it a non-issue.
Good luck in your quest! | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 4:34:57 PM | HONOUR it is actually pretty simple. Many of them refuse to see that it might be them or a drama causing ex that makes so many men shy away. It is just easier on their personal ego if they can say that it was because of the kids. ....There is also those that try fishing for someone out of their league and refuse to see that the common denominator is them.
So for you single parents who don't get it.
1- sometimes it is not the kids, sometimes it is you
2- do not let your ex cause drama
3- do not let your kids disrespect you
4- do not let your kids disrespect your mate
5- if the person is going to be your mate then sooner or later they will be in a disciplinary position, the fact that they are not the biological parent has nothing to do with it.
remember the old saying any male can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad let them be the dad. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 5:34:44 PM | | Well my kids are not teenagers. But I can get dates ... the problem with my kids age is that a date is very costly for me because of babysiterrs. But I do have a girlfriend with 4 kids and the oldest is a teenager that gives her TONS of problems. She just met a great guy and they hit it off really well. He just moved in with her. So yeah, it is very possilbe | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:02:10 PM | | Well, as a single father who spends at LEAST three nights per week with his kids, I actually prefer to date women who are already mothers. I will definitely do so. I adore kids. My problem is the same one that several guys have mentioned, that the women I meet usually won't have anything to do with me, due to me having MY own kids. | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:11:11 PM | | the real question is what you expect from a man. i cannot generalize all men into one category but i will try based on my own opinion. young men want to find a woman that they can learn together with, grow as people in a relationship. a woman who as a child has already experienced alot of those life events with someone else, a different man and you are only getting "seconds" it is not your child, she will have other priorities, and you want to be able to be relativly carefree. im sure some single mothers have alot to offer, perhaps to those who have already experienced alot in life | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/4/2007 12:36:52 AM | Yes, men who date women with kids still exist. They are the ones who see children as blessings from above as opposed to 'excess baggage.' Now there are those who are either not ready, or afraid, or intimidated by the existing family relationship. They're not bad men; They're simply not the right ones to commit to. Or for some, it's simply not the right time. For me, it's not ever been horribly difficult to find someone to date because of my two little ones. I see them as great accomplishments in life to be proud of. They are very beautiful and amazing! Yes, I have a profile here; however, I am very choosy and the online personals, as a medium of meeting eligible bachelors, beats the bar concept. Additionally, I am an independent woman, who takes care of myself physically and professionally, which reflect my self-esteem and strength to let men know that I've done and continue to do it without them. I will welcome and submit my heart, my body, my mind, and my soul to Mr. Right when he finally walks into my life. Honestly, I think at times the way some men react to single motherhood is greatly affected by the way we project ourselves (our lifestyle, habits, career, etc.,).
Good luck to everyone! | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/7/2007 2:48:56 PM | yes I would Im in the Bronx, NY. 1 or 2 childern would be nice, I ve done it before
I enjoy the young one s they are eager to learn , and the olderone s I like to play
video game s | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/8/2007 6:40:40 AM | | I think one has to be very careful... some men say they are fine with it ... until they get close enough to hurt the childs feelings when they just bail...be carefull not to introduce them too soon... i made that mistake once! The last guy i dated made my daughter wait almost 2 months for a charger to a gameboy he gave her, he kept telling me and her he was going to bring it to her and would never show up... I tried to buy the right one but couldnt get one...total disregard for a child's feelings...and he just didn't care.. out of sight out of mind... and children just don't understand that people can just be cruel...this guy ended up being a real child himself!... | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:12:26 AM | I have 2 children at 19 years old... someone want to tell me how i am supposed to get a guy in my age range to actually want to have something to do with me without having screaming kids on their mind.. i have two girls my oldest is 16 months old and my youngest is 3 months old... why is it that everything is just fine when you are talking to a guy and then the fact you have kids comes up and they are like oh i gotta go.. I know i am young and the ****er that got me pregnant is in jail for 18 yrs.. for stupid stuff i tried to tell him about... now i have no help from anyone and i am lonely and every night i have to sleep alone everything just seems more hopeless... I just want someone to love me and my children... is that too much to ask of guys these days.. I love being a mother but this is just way too hard sometimes...
~Evelyn | |
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| do men actually exist that date women with kids??
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:19:12 AM | lovely the sad fact is that most of the men your age are not ready to settle down. It sounds like you are fixated on the idea that a SO will be able to solve the problems. Not going to happen. You have to get to the point where it is a want a person in your life and not a need.
Remember that you have to get through your emotional baggage before you are really going to be ready for another relationship. Believe me guys can sense when you are needy. | |
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