|
|
|
|
|
Keljo
|
Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 26 | |
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 9:43:10 AM |
but had some kind of rude responses from women on this
ditto on the responses from men!
Adder....
More questions:
When dating a single father should I:
pay for the baby sitter?
pay for diner/movies/whatever half the time?
is there a time limit on how late/early I can call? (if I am waiting for AAA at midnight, will you stay on the phone with me until the tow truck arrives?)
once we are established, and dating, is it OK for me to pick up little gifts for the kids 'just because' I thought they might enjoy it? (I'm talking books, games, small things like I do for my friends's kids).
if we go out and take the kids with us, what is my role? If they are doing something that could get them hurt or hurt another, am I allowed to intervene if you aren't looking or are in the bathroom with one of the other kids? ( I went on vacation with friends and neither was outside when their 4 year old was on hte boat dock nearly ready to take a header into the canal....I was IN the canal swimming and I rushed over and started yelling at him to get back! I got out of the water, scolded him and took him in the house. THEY were mad at ME for yelling at their kid !!!! THEY weren't even aware he was outside! WTF?!?!)
I am basing these questions based on MY experience with friends kids, my friends that are single moms, etc. My nephew is another story, I am family, so I can scold/correct and discipline him when he is with me (rarely neccessary BTW).
Again, I KNOW kids come first. Please, you don't have to bother to respond if you have nothing more to say than THAT. | |
|
| |
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 1:24:11 PM |
No need to be nasty, I am asking legitimate questions
Nasty?! I understand that you are asking a legitimate question. And you have received a legitimate answer from me... twice now, but have chosen to read negativity into the replys rather than reading the answer.
No nastiness was intended keljo. Nor, previously, was there intended to be any insinuation that you personally might be judging single dads. If it were otherwise I would have written something like "YOU, KELJO, are wrongful judging single dads..." and as for nasty, well, I'm not going to bother typing any of my style of nastiness... 'cause it is very clearly and evidently NASTY and leaves little room for misinterpretation.
But hey, whatever works for you. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 1:41:22 PM | It all depends on what she's looking for...She might not want kids of her own but be open to
step-parenting. Or.. she may want to live witout kids in her life, totally . Only one way to know.
I don't have kids and prefer to meet either a custodial parent (full custody) or somene who doesn't have kids now but is open to having one. It's an indiviual thing.
good luck to all who are fishing. | |
|
Keljo
|
Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 30 | |
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 1:50:36 PM |
I would also add that it is unfair to judge men with kids for the statement that their kids come first.
I never judged, just wondered why it even needed to be stated.
It's just saying that no, he can't drop everything on the spur of the moment to cater to your every whim or need, because you are a grown-up fully capable of caring for yourself
And THAT isn't nasty? You assumed I was a needy, implied selfish, person. Are YOU projecting your feelings towards the childfree?
Nasty?! I understand that you are asking a legitimate question. And you have received a legitimate answer from me... twice now, but have chosen to read negativity into the replys rather than reading the answer.
Yes, I percieved the comments as nasty, and in no way useful. You didn't answer any question other than stating you had 'momma bear' in check. Good for you, unfortunatly, that cannot be said or EVERY single parent.
If you really want to be helpful, how about offering legitimate answers to my questions instead of vaugly veiled hostility.
I may be a fully capable adult able to care for myself, but that does not mean I do not WANT or DESERVE the attention women crave from their man. If wanting closeness, reliabilty and intimacy is selfish, then so be it. I am selfish in that respect. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 1:54:53 PM | Also, I felt better knowing that I wouldn't play second fiddle to the children (which also is totally scary..) However many single fathers state that the children are the most important thing in there life which implys no room for a female partner .
Maybe it is just me but I steer clear of ads that say things like.."Nothing will ever come before my kids" an other such sentiments..(but not my "kids mean the world to me")
For the good of all ,I think,,when people are a couple they come first to each other..are "team mates", each others number one priority and share all. Yes, of course, co-parenting is a big part of it. But starting out that an adult realtionship won't be a priority is not the way to go.
I read the type of mentioned alot and also " I am unavailable only every other weekend and one night during the week"
What these things say to me is "I am really not ready to have a full Partner yet..or maybe ever"
Jmo, of course.. but alot of men put women off with statements such as these. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 1:55:03 PM | Also, I felt better knowing that I wouldn't play second fiddle to the children (which also is totally scary..) However many single fathers state that the children are the most important thing in there life which implys no room for a female partner .
Maybe it is just me but I steer clear of ads that say things like.."Nothing will ever come before my kids" an other such sentiments..(but not my "kids mean the world to me")
For the good of all ,I think,,when people are a couple they come first to each other..are "team mates", each others number one priority and share all. Yes, of course, co-parenting is a big part of it. But starting out that an adult realtionship won't be a priority is not the way to go.
I read the type of mentioned alot and also " I am unavailable only every other weekend and one night during the week"
What these things say to me is "I am really not ready to have a full Partner yet..or maybe ever"
Jmo, of course.. but alot of men put women off with statements such as these. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 2:12:20 PM | I am sorry for the rant but, we as men dont over rationalize those very questions when we date girls with kids and have none of our own. What if you had the kids and the guy didnt have or want any, and he didnt give you a second thought because of questions like..." will i have to fight the dad someday when i come over to watch a movie." "will he smash my window
um,, Just for the record lots of men will Not date women with kids. Period.. Many won't even consider them. I get alot of mail and it is very obvious that they think it is a boon that I do not have kids..and plainly say they don't want to date women with kids.
(you could do a thread about that alone,, Plenty of single moms would say it's so)
As a matter of fact, I get alot of responses from guys who's rearin years are behind them,,(they're kids are adults and they want no more).,Men who already have children (and do not want more)..and those who don't want anyone who already has them.
Everybody is entitled to thier preference..just saying,,
Perhaps they are not avoiding single Moms cause of papa bear..but they are avoiding them.
I have dated men with children and Yes, mama bear can be an issue.. Lots of divorces are not civil and mama bear can make things anywhere uncomfortable to difficult to way problematic ..if she has a mind to. Plus there is the fact that if it is a problem..it's not one that will necessarily change..You'd have to deal with it..very Long term. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 2:59:37 PM |
And THAT isn't nasty? You assumed I was a needy, implied selfish, person.
No, you are assuming.
I stated that "you", by which I implied adults in general, of either gender, are adults, while children are at the mercy of their environment... which you chose, for whatever reason, to selectively edit out on two occassions now. As *children* are *dependent*, parents *must* put their child/ren first.
I don't even know who you are, and so never bothered make any assumptions about you.
But hey, like I said, whatever works for you. If you want to imagine that I have it in for you, a person that I don't even know, knock yourself out.
Cheers! | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 3:13:22 PM | I am a single dad raising two boys (thank God) LOL. Momma bear is no where in the picture.
I have been reading this thread and decided to jump in with both feet. In women profiles they state they have kids and that they are thier world. Why can't us men say the same?
I feel that the children should come first. But with in reason. Us poppa bears are human an so are all these sexy momma bears. We just need to find a happy medium for everybody. I usually go out on dates when my boys are having sleep overs at friends at first. And if things proceed and momma bear and I would like to do something with the cubs, she is introduced as a friend. We might meet at the location we are going to instead of her coming to my place and going with us. Then over time she can come to dinner or movie night. The two worlds don't have to be constantly together.
The person with children should be upfront with the other adult in question letting them know there are kids involved and on what level, full time, weekends, holidays. Even if the person don't want kids don't mean she don't want to be around them. My boys are very loveable and women that I have became friends with have fallen for my boys more then me. LOL | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 5:39:28 PM | In women profiles they state they have kids and that they are thier world. Why can't us men say the same?
Hi Hoosier..
Just for me.."my kids are my world".."they're everythng to me" etc. would not put me
off.."nothing will ever come before them" does.
Just my opinion there... | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 7:48:25 PM | >>>So, would a childless woman who doesnt want kids date a single father who doesnt want more?>>>>
Interestingly, when I was single before I had kids I was worried that by dating a man with kids HE wouldn't want more kids and I wasn't willing to marry someone who didn't want kids with me or at least try to have more kids. If it didn't work I would have been okay with that. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 7:52:47 PM | >>>>Never had a problem with the twins mom. Even to this day she and her daughter come to my son's b-day parties.>>>
I did this as a stepmom. My ex and I would attend the kids' birthday parties at the biomom's house where both sets of grandparents, us, the kids' mom and stepfather, aunts, uncles, etc. We got to be pretty good friends and it worked really well for us. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/1/2007 8:42:38 PM | These answers aren't directed at anyone specific in this thread even if I use the word “you”. You in this case and every instance is the general you and not a specific person. Actually, I think this thread is valid for the man who wants to date a single mom.
>>>>What I wanted to know is if there were room for BOTH a woman and his children. Or does what I want (full blown adult relatoinship with dates and intemacy) not matter and will everything we do have to be kid friendly? >>>>
Yes, you will be able to have a full-blown relationship with a man (or woman if you are a man reading this). As a matter of fact, I think if you don't have adult time regularly you'll find it a lot harder to get to know someone because then you are just seeing part of them – the parent part and not the person part. You need to decide if you want to be involved with someone who is asking you to only see them as a parent rather than an adult. Yes, I realize there are many single parents who might find it difficult to get babysitters regularly and if that bothers you than that situation may not be the right person for you right now. .
>>>>Will my dating pappa bear make momma bear ticked off? >>>>
Depends on the woman (or man). Really, it is as simple as that. I think that if I were getting involved with a single parent again one thing I would want to find out really early is to determine what kind of parenting is involved between my date and his/her ex. If there is a really nasty relationship between the date and the other bioparent it might be helpful to evaluate if you want to be involved in such a relationship. It doesn't mean that you don't think that your date is doing the best (s)he can but just that you aren't ready to deal with the issues involved in that relationship. I don't think it is wrong to step back and say I'm not ready for this. If you find our that things are running smoothly between date and the ex than let your relationship unfold and see how things play out.
>>>>When pappa bear says "my cubs are my life and always come first" am I supposed to just accept that his heart may not have room for me and my needs as his SO will never really matter as long as the cubs are still in the cave? Will I resent the cubs since pappa bear already told me they come first (essentially makeing me FEEL like a second class citizen)?>>>>
I think it really depends on the person you (general you, not specific to OP of this) are choosing. In my mind, the person I want to be involved with is the same person regardless of whether or not they have children. If I resent the person's kids than I might not be ready to date a person with kids. That's my problem, not his and he and they shouldn't be stuck with me because I'm feeling bad about something. I think what needs to be accepted is that the relationship might have a different timeline with kids as it would be if there is no kids.
For example, if dating person with no kids, you might go out a couple times per week, might get intimate a little faster, and you'll meet the parents. Dating with kids, means that you might not be able to go out as frequently (but you can still IM, phone and e-mail), intimacy might be delayed and you'll meet the kids at some point (hopefully not too soon) and eventually meet the parents of the person being dated and also possibly the other bioparent depending on that relationship.
>>>if I was stranded at 11pm or 3am would I be able to call you for help?>>>>
Depends on the person you are dating and their own specific situation. I think if you are in a good relationhsip with someone and you called because you were in a bad situation they would want to know about it and support you even if they couldn't help you. It would be kind of the same if one got stuck and they called their boyfriend who worked overnights. You might be able to call but he might not be able to come help. Again, depends on the circumstances.
>>>>When dating a single father should I: pay for the baby sitter? pay for diner/movies/whatever half the time? is there a time limit on how late/early I can call? (if I am waiting for AAA at midnight, will you stay on the phone with me until the tow truck arrives?)>>>>
Again, depends. As a single mom, I wouldn't expect my date to pay for babysitter and I would only expect them to pay for the date as much as I would if I weren't a single parent. My date isn't about the fact I'm a single parent it is about the fact that I'm a woman who is looking for companionship. As far as time frame to call – depends on their needs. In my house, I arrange a place I can be in my house so that I can receive calls without disturbing the kids. I'll aslo shut off my phone so that voice mail will pick up and check it periodically to see if anyone called while the phone was off. Different people do different things.
>>>
Don't see why not. Again, you'll have to follow the cues of the parent being dated.
>>>if we go out and take the kids with us, what is my role?>>>>
I would expect my date to be a friend to my kids and if I got distracted by something and he saw my kids in a dangerous situation, I would hope that he would speak up – as much as I would hope that a stranger would speak up if I missed something. I don't get offended by that. I can't speak for others though.
>>>>.I was IN the canal swimming and I rushed over and started yelling at him to get back! I got out of the water, scolded him and took him in the house. THEY were mad at ME for yelling at their kid !!!!>>>>
I was in a similar situation with my very young cousins in August. I had to get my 5 year old cousin to move from where she was (on a dock where the water would have been over her head had she fallen in) and then removed her from the dock and waited with her until the parents returned. I protected an unprotected child and let the parent's deal the disobedience as they saw fit. I didn't do any more scolding than it took to get her off the dock. I'm not going to comment on your friends' reaction because I wasn't there but I did want to share my similar story.
I hope there was no offense taken because there was none meant.
Good luck. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/2/2007 2:08:42 AM | Hello Cutey,
I agree with you and the other men and women that kids are the world to them/us. I was only commenting that most single moms say that in their profiles and that they come first. I was only saying that men mean the same thing as the women that post that. And like these wonderful, caring, loving, sacraficing parent we are capable of loving more then just our kids.
Why is that even posted in the profiles? I would think that is a gimme. All that should have to be said on either side of the fence, is "I have kids with me ________ time" It should be assumed that that person will love the child"ren" above all others, BUT can still love a signaficant other as well. Parents (male and female) that don't have full custody are not any less loving towards their kids as full time parents. Circumstances of each case determines who gets the kids. There are wonderful dads out there that only get the kids every other weekend due to court rulings that would give their right arm to have them more. Just like there are women like that.
Yes women are viewed as the more loving and caring of the two sexes, But men are just as capable. My two cents worth on this thread is this.
Women don't be afraid of getting involved with a single dad no matter how often he has his kids.
Depending on the age of the child"ren" that will determine how much interaction will be involved between you and the kids. Younger kids will be involved more, but not necessarily all the time. Older kids (teenagers) will be thrilled dad is going out for the night that will allow them to trash the house, eat all the food and talk on the phone/puter all night long. hmmm sounds like date night for a married couple LOL
All parents will love the children above all others, even the real birth parent. We all feel like we are walking on the clouds when we are holding our new born. but we all are capable of loving another enough to make them feel special. And depending on the circumstances would move heaven and earth to be there for them. Just like in a marriage of the birth parents, if young kids are involved the one at home with them would be unable to leave to assist at 3 in the morning, but would prob stay on the phone until help did arrived.
If any would like to make a private comment please feel free to drop an email.... | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/2/2007 2:23:46 AM | Keljo,
I would not expect a woman to pay for a sitter, That would be a nice offer and would go along way to melting my heart but I would cover that. Might have an existing arrangement to swap "sitting" duties with another friend. or something like that.
As for paying for the date, whatever is planned. When in the "get to know you" portion I think men would rather pay for things. Atleast if they are from the "old school" like I am. After it moves to exclusive/serious dates, if the woman calls and says "hey lets go to dinner, my treat", that would be fine but I would still offer to pay, chip in for the date. Women like to treat the man to a night out just like men do the women.
When it comes to dates with the children, I would expect the woman to make sure they were safe at all times. I wouldn't worry about them being helpful or friendly towards them, that would already have been determined in previous conversations and dates in how they react to phone calls that always happen during the date. Her asking how the kids are doing and so on. If I felt the woman don't want any part of atleast a friendship with my boys I wouldn't have her around them. Mine have been thru enough in their short lives don't need negativity around them.
If the woman in question wanted to pick up a gift that thought my boys would like that just demonstrates their caring side more and would be fine with me. I would draw the line on expensive items. Unless we have gotten to the stage of "family night" and if it was a holiday or birthday but even then there is a limit. I don't want the woman to feel they have to buy approval from the boys to date me.
Calling can be done at anytime I think, Friends call friends all the time right? You will just have to be understanding if he says "can't talk right now, I am busy doing ______" homework, cooking, playing the list is endless. That don't mean he doesn't want to talk but has other obligations at the moment, just like he wouldn't be able to talk while at work.
Hope this helps. Don't give up on single dads !!!!! | |
|
Keljo
|
Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 42 | |
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/2/2007 1:51:56 PM | Thank you Mallygirl and Hoosierdad.....THOSE are the response that I was looking for. Some honest insight and answers to my questions. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I would like to state that if I made plans (say to go to a Steeler game as I can often get tickets) and we were going to be gone all day, I would offer money for he sitter or money for the sitter to order pizza and maybe bring over a movie for the kids. Thats just the kind of person I am.
On the gift things...I never purchase extravagent gifts....maybe a book, a board game, a ball, a doll, an activity book (Crayola makes great ones) - things like that. As a former teacher I prefer things that involve kids and make them think or get creative and use their immagination.
I do have one act of revenge on my older sister planned though....I plan on teaching my nephew to play the trumpet....and insist that he practice EVERY DAY! *muuuuhahahhaahahahaa* | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/2/2007 2:16:38 PM | you are very welcomed.
I wouldn't mind if the woman brought movies or ordered a pizza for the kids while we were gone that is being very thoughtful and helpful.
And the level of gifts would be fine. I just don't want to give the impression that when a woman comes over they get a gift. Dad is the one getting the gift. LOL The gift of adult conversation!!!!!
I would recommend drums tho a whole set bass, snare, cymbal the works LOL | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/2/2007 8:30:25 PM | Keljo
Wow, sweeping generalizations about childless women. For the record, I have known since I was 12 years old that I will NEVER be able to have children of my own. Stop making assumptions about childless people. Not every woman is selfish.
I did not say "ALL", but was refering to a majority, or rather a select group. And by stating you know "many", does not necessaraly reflect a majority either...so we both are on the same level. You need not take my comments personaly as i am not aiming at anyone in particular but simply refering to my personal experiences.
Hope that mends the ill feelings. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/2/2007 9:09:07 PM | Hello Hoosier,
I agree with you and the other men and women that kids are the world to them/us. I was only commenting that most single moms say that in their profiles and that they come first. I was only saying that men mean the same thing as the women that post that. And like these wonderful, caring, loving, sacraficing parent we are capable of loving more then just our kids.
In that case, if I were a man I would pass on women who said that in thier ads!
I guess I am not sure that people get how those "on the other side of the fence" might feel. Sure, any man I meet will love his kids to bits. That's a given. But say we'd wind up only having the kids he already has. Would you want to walk into a situation where someone was saying, "Yes I want a partner. Just want you to know you'll always be second"?
In a first marriage did people go around saying,,"I have kids, and my wife willalways come second to them?" Well, maybe I can't put it into words adequately..It sounds out of balance to me. And wouldn't be what I was comfortable with. The parents should be a team and a united front... for the good of all: for the kids and for the sake of the marriage too.
Men and women both say it..and in both cases, they are putting people off.
Why is that even posted in the profiles? I would think that is a gimme. All that should have to be said on either side of the fence, is "I have kids with me ________ time" It should be assumed that that person will love the child"ren" above all others, BUT can still love a signaficant other as well. Parents (male and female) that don't have full custody are not any less loving towards their kids as full time parents. Circumstances of each case determines who gets the kids. There are wonderful dads out there that only get the kids every other weekend due to court rulings that would give their right arm to have them more. Just like there are women like that.
I would never assume that a man couldn't be just as good as..or even the better, parent.
And I know that many Dads who are just as capable as the Mom get only some time with their kids. My preference for a custodial parent is only because I'd like to be a "full time Mom". If you'd read men ads, you 'd note that most men who already have children (full or part time) usually say they do Not want more. If I married someone who had custody every other weekend and wanted no more kids.."Every other weekend" woud be the extent of my Mothering..... Not exactly "the full experience"..It has nothing to do with any assumption I made about him.. So if he had children, I Prefer we have them all the time ..(though I know it is somewhat rare). I would consider a non custodial Dad who wanted to have another child.
(but there aren't tons of them either).
I once dated a man who had a young child. (About a year old). He was seperated, about to be divorced and custody was still at issue. He was over there alot,, mowing her lawn and doing whatever, to keep it civil. After several months I still hadn't met his child..He wanted to wait on that. Calls from the ex (they sounded belligerent) interrupted us at times. Plus, with him being busy every other weekend,..work, errands and our schedules, we really did not get to spend much that much time together.
Then a holiday came up ...and he would neither bring the baby,so I could finally meet him, nor have his Mom watch him, even part of the weekend. He thought I'd be ok with spending the whole holiday weekend alone.
(Yes, he really was seperated..I checked,,and saw the papers and his place.)
That's the last seperated person I have dated or ever will date. And now when I do consider dating someone with children I have to sense and see that they are willing to take the time needed to grow a realtionship.
I would not expect someone to get dresssed and leave thier kids home alone at 3 am. to
come meet me ..It'd be irresponsible to do so ..But is the phone on?? Honestly, if I am at the side of the road somewhere, alone, and your phone is off because the house can't be disturbed..or I can only call at certain times,,or certain days and get a hold of you, You're really not available for a realtionship,,,in any sense of the word.
And there are other things I would want to know:
When they have thier kids are they totally unavailable? Will they get a babysitter sometimes.,especially special occassions? Do they Always have to be home at midnight? How long would it take before I was introduced to the children?..
JME... There are some (some) who use the fact that they have kids as an excuse, not to have a relationship that can go somewhere. "Player parents",,if you will, who have an out
whenever they want one..Not the majority ,,,but some.
all just my experience and my opinion..of course
J | |
|
| |
ooge
|
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 47 | |
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:04:33 AM | I'm a divorced man whose children live with my ex. My children come and spend alternate weekends with me. This means that I don't have a lot of time to devote to a relationship as I put my children first.
I find women with children tend to be more tolerant of this situation than women without children. It's almost as if the women with children see my putting my children first as attractive or a draw. Does this make sense? I guess for the women without children it means that they can't see me as often as they would like or may have to deal with step-children etc.
If my children were living with me it would be different as I would have to find babysitters etc.
The way I figure it is my children are a part of me and any woman who wants to be a part of my life has to accept that. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/3/2007 11:25:19 AM | You are welcome. I''m glad I could help even though I'm not a single dad :).
I'm the same way as you are when buying gifts for kids; crafts items are at the top of the list along with toys that make them think.
Do you plan on having your sister want to talk to you again? LOL | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/3/2007 1:15:39 PM | | i always go through the single parent forums because to be honest i am very attracted to single fathers esecially the ones with custody. there is nothing sexier to me then a man who takes care of his responsibilities and the most important of those is family. i think you guys have just met the wrong kind of childless women. a single father is perfect for me i adore children even the difficult ones and love spending time with them. it is a turn off when i meet the kids right away i believe that should take some time. i think the thing that initally scared me off from guys with kids was the fact i loose the kids from my life if things don't work between me and the guy so i try to make a point of seeing if we are capable of being friends even if things end no reason to hurt the kid(s). in my eyes a child does not need to be mine to love them. | |
|
| Men with kids,women without
Posted: 1/3/2007 2:48:31 PM | | well im a single dad of 5 kids I must be your dream lol and I agree with you all kids must be luved | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
