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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:26:00 PM | The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a Concordia graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a Irishman straight off the boat
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Concordia graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the Irishman top that?
The clock started again and the Irishman sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three gals in a pop-up tent.
But, Tim and I knew what to do:
I bucked one and Timbuktu. | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:50:02 PM | One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them. The priest says, "I've got an idea how to get us some free drinks." He walks in alone and the rabbi stands at the door and watches. The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But my son, I've already paid for the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, father, but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and orders a drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives him the tab, and the rabbi says, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, rabbi, I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's the second time that happened to me today." The rabbi says, "That's okay, son, no offence taken. Now, just give me change for the twenty I gave you, and I'll be on my way." | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/3/2005 11:16:40 AM | Theory of Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Toronto chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when its compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With Birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
This student received the only "A". | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/9/2005 2:12:33 PM | | A man takes his wife to the doctor for a checkup. The doc’s office calls the next day and explains that the results got mixed up and the wife either had aides or Alzheimer’s. Frantic, the husband wants to know what to do, so the doctor explains. “Take your wife to the closet mall but at least two miles away and drop her off, if she finds her way home, don’t screw her!” | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/9/2005 10:31:34 PM | Why the INTERNET is like a PENIS....
1) It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it more difficult to get any real work done.
2) In the long distant past, it's only purpose was to transport information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
3) It has no conscience and no memory. Left to it's own devices, it will just do the same d*mn dumb things it did before.
4) It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's to late.
5) If you don't apply the appropiate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
6) It has no brain of it's own. Instead it uses yours. If you use it to much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
7) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than it's actual size & influence warrant.
8) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
9) It has it's own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"
10) Some folks have it. Some folks don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power, but they are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree it's a nifty toy, but it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it, would like to try it.
11) Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
(  Anybody have their own additions.....)
 Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God", says an elderly nun in the back, "I'm so tired of chardonnay!"  | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/10/2005 11:57:29 AM | ^^^^^^^priceless!!!! Kids say the darndest things don't they.^^^^^^^^^
Two blonds sitting in a Tim Horton's in toronto,one looks at the other to ask"What's closer,Florida or the moon ?
The blond replies,"The moon because you can't see Florida from here".
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/10/2005 6:39:38 PM | A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios." | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/13/2005 11:00:33 AM | | a man finds a bottle washed up on the beach. he pops the cork and low and behold a genie comes out. " i'll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for you ex-wife will get double". the man agrees and for his first wish asks for 10 million dollars, the genie says, granted, but remember, your ex just got 20 million dollars. for his second wish, the man asks for a five million dollar mansion, granted says the genie, but remember your ex just got a 10 million dollar mansion. the man taking alot of time to make his last wish says to the genie, i can't believe my ex gets double. that really pisses me off. the genie responds, wish wisely my friend. just then the man says, i've got it, for my last wish i would like for you to beat me half to death. | |
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LCinLA
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Joined: 8/18/2005
Msg: 37 | |
| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/13/2005 1:24:13 PM | Good one. I like the kids swearing one, too.
Some thoughts from one of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright:
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Ba Dum Bum | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/13/2005 2:07:39 PM | A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse." | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/13/2005 4:16:59 PM | There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of
nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the heavena above,and with a singlegesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and
you shit on its head." | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/13/2005 9:40:51 PM | This is more for all us Canadians on here..Americans likely wont get it ..lucky for them lol
There is work to be done on parliament hill...and three contractors are standing on the front steps with a government representative,waiting to make theyre bids.
The guy from Toronto steps up first,tkaes soem measurements,makes some calculations and a few mintues later says to the Rep:
"I'll do it for $19,000 --$9000 for materials,$9000 for my crew, and $1000 profit for me."
The guy from Calgary goes next,does all his measuring and figuring and says:
"I'll do it for $17,000 --$8000 for materials,$8000 for my crew, and $1000 profit for me."
The guy from the ad company from Quebec steps up and without any measuring or figuring says:
"I'll do it for $57,000"
the government fellow looks at him puzzled and asks:"$57,000?"
The guy from Quebec replies:
"yup,$20,000 for me,$20,000 for you and we get the guy from Calgary to do it for $17,000"
lol..i like that one
--Two blonde female students are sitting around one day.One is reading the paper and gasps and reads aloud the headline:
"Two Brazilian soldiers Killed"
the other looks unsure and asks:
"How many is a Brazilian?"
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:02:06 PM | --One day an old man in his 70's is sitting on a park bench feeding the birds,when he noticed a 9 year old boy playing and eating chocolate bars.
the old man watches as the boy proceeds to eat 7 chocolate bars,one after the other.
The old man being concerned approaches the the young boy and says:
"You know young man,eating that many chocoalte bars is totally unhealthy ,you should eat more fruit."
The boy look at the old man and replies."My grandfather lived to be 106."
The old mans says,"By eating 7 chocolate bars a day?"
The boy replies"NO,by minding his own FU**ING business!!!" | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/14/2005 7:03:07 AM | Dear Nergal:
Oh shut up -
Have you READ ANY of your own posts in threads across the board?
Following the rules *scoffs*
I'm suprised you're still allowed on this site.
okay I'm done :)
Why does m.jackson like 38 year olds ..
well duh - cuz there's 30 of them
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/14/2005 9:46:20 AM | I pulled into the parking lot of a shopping center and rolled down the windows so my pup had fresh air.
She was lying in the back and I wanted to impress upon her that she must stay in the car. So as I walked away, I pointed my finger, saying, "You stay there. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!" I repeated.
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
. | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/14/2005 9:50:32 AM |
A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/14/2005 11:42:26 AM | a teacher giving a grammer lesson asks her class if anyone can use the word beautiful twice in the same sentence. sally instantly raises her hand and says, my mommy was making a beautiful dress, and when she put it on, she looked beautiful. very good said the teacher. anyone else. jimmy raised his hand and said, my mommy was making a beautiful dinner using beautiful vegetables. very good said the teacher, johnny you're next. johnny stood up in front of the class and said,
last night my sister told my father that she was pregnant and my father said..............
beautiful f'ing beautiful | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/15/2005 4:57:13 PM | This couple was getting divorced the judge ask there son where he wanted to live. the judge ask " son do you want to live with your mom" the little boy said " no sir " the judge ask " why not" the little boy replied " cause mom beats me"
So the judge as " do you want to live with your dad " the little boy again replyed " no sir " the judge as " well son why not" the little boy replied " cause daddy beats me too"
By this time the judge was confused and ask the little boy " ok son if you don't want to live with your mom or dad who would you like to live with" the little boy replied " jeff gordon"
the judge looked at the little boy with shock and ask " why would you want to live with him" the little boy replied " cause sir he does not beat anyone" | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/15/2005 7:29:01 PM | Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked him,
"Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
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An attorney is sitting in his office late one night, when Satan suddenly appears before him. The Devil tells the lawyer, "I've been watching you; you have potential, I want you on MY team, I have a deal for you!
Here's the deal
...You will win every case you try,
Your clients will adore you
Your colleagues will be in awe of you,
You will make more money than you can possibly ever spend.
The lawyer asks, "So... what do you want in exchange?"
The Devil says, "All I want in return is the usual, your eternal soul, plus, your wife's soul, your children's souls, and your parent's souls.
The lawyer thinks for a moment, then asks, "So.... What's the catch??"
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/15/2005 8:02:55 PM | adam is walking through the garden of eden when he looks toward heaven and says to the lord"i am so lonely can you create somthing so that i will not be lonely" GOD looks down and says adam i will make you the perfect companion.this will be the ultimate thing that could ever be by your side.when you are sick it will confort you,when you feel bad it will bring you spirits up,it will bring you so many joys and pleasures that you will look forward to each morning just to wake up and enjoy the company of what i am going to create and give you. adam is very excited but thinks for a minute then looks back up to heaven and says"so how much is this going to cost me" GOD says "oh an arm and a leg".adam thinks about it for a minute and says so what can i get for a rib.
a guy is walking down a beach when he comes across a bottle,picks it up and rubs and of course genie pops out.the genie says i can only grant you one wish because my powers are failing so you must make your one wish really count.then the genie says a few more rules,i cannot give you money or power,i can give you the means to gain these things but they cannot just be given outright.the guys sits there and thinks for a long time and finally says ok i want you to make me a bridge that goes from new york to england,i will make this a pay as you go bridge and will make lots of money and be rich.the genie looks at him and says i am not sure that i have enough power to do that.all the material and such that would be a huge job.can you think of something else.so the guy sits there for a long time and then looks at the genie and says i know what i want.i want to have complete understanding of women,i want to know why the act like they do,why they cry,why they change there minds so much,i want undersand them all.i will write a book and make more money than i ever dreamed i could.the genie looks at him for a minute and say so you want that bridge two lane or four lane. | |
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