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| Subject: Gotta love a redneck
Posted: 10/15/2005 10:49:16 PM | A North Carolina redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down.
In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
Interstate 40.
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck.
He asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver said, "Bout what?" | |
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| Words Women Use
Posted: 10/15/2005 10:50:45 PM | Enjoy!
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say "You're welcome."
WHATEVER
This is a woman's way of saying “*!#@ YOU!” | |
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| Birds & Bees for the Internet Generation
Posted: 10/15/2005 10:52:11 PM | The mystery is gone ... How was I born?
The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born?
Dad responds, ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said, “You've got male!” | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/16/2005 12:14:31 AM | a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. a obviously drunk man walks up to them and sais" father, rabbi.... i am jesus christ."
not wanting to upset the man the priest sais" it is obvious you are drunk my son so i forgive you."
the drunk protested " no i am jesus christ, i can prove it."
so they agree to see his proff and he tells them to fallow him. they get up to the bar and are standing there waiting for the bartender. about 5 min pass and the bartender finally comes down to there end. he looks up and sais "JESUS CHRIST!!!! your back again?" | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/16/2005 2:59:35 PM | There are two muffins in a oven hehe
one muffin turns to the other muffin and says .. man it' shot in here
and the other muffin looks at the first muffin and says
HOLY shit! a talking MUFFIN! hehe | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:07:59 AM | THIS ONE IS FOR THE BLONDES
a guy gets onto a plane and sits next to a hot looking blonde. he decides to make his move and leans over and says, they say that your flight will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with someone. the blonde, who had just opened her magazine, looks up, closes the magazine and says, fine, what would you like to talk about. the guy thinks for a second and says how about nuclear energy? the blonde responds that should be an interesting subject, but do you mind if i ask you a question first? the guy agrees. o.k. if deer, cows and horses all eat the same stuff - grass, why does the deer crap pellets, the cow flat patties and the horse biscuts? the guy replies, well, i don't know. the blonde respondes, well what makes you think you can talk about nuclear energy when you don' t know Sh*t. | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/17/2005 12:22:49 PM | WOMAN'S ENGLISH
or what they say and what they mean
yes - no
no - yes
maybe - no
i'm sorry - you'll be sorry
we need - i want
it's your decision - the correct decision should be obvious by now
do what you want - you'll pay for this later
we need to talk - i need to complain
sure...go ahead - i don't want you to
i'm not upset - of course i'm upset, you moron!
you're..so manly - you need to shave and you sweat alot
you're certainly attentive tonight - is sex all you think about
be romantic, turn out the lights - i have flabby thighs
do you love me - i'm going to ask for something expensive
how much do you love me - i did something today that you're really not going to like
i'll be ready in a minute - kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
is my butt fat - tell me i'm beautiful
you have to learn to communicate - just agree with me
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? - too late, you're dead | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/17/2005 1:11:19 PM | MENS ENGLISH
hey, i'm being fair.
i'm hungry - i'm hungry
i'm tired - i'm tired
do you want to go to a movie - i'd like to have sex
can i take you to dinner - i'd like to have sex
can i call you sometime - i'd like to have sex
may i have this dance - i'd like to have sex
nice dress - nice cleavage
let me give you a massage - i want to fondle you
what's wrong - i guess sex tonight is out of the question
i'm bored - do you want to have sex
i love you - let's have sex NOW
i love you too - o.k. i said it...we'd better have sex now
let's talk - i'm trying to impress you by showing that i am a deep person and maybe then we can have sex
will you marry me - i want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
i don't think that blouse and skirt go together - i'm gay | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/17/2005 2:12:46 PM | Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/20/2005 11:06:16 AM | | a woman is enjoying a coffee at starbucks when she sees a very odd funeral. there are two long black hearses followed by a woman walking her pet pitbull, and 200 woman in a single file line. the womans curiosity gets the best of her and she asks the woman with the dog, who's in the hearse. the woman respondes, the first hearse is my husband. my dog attacked him. the woman asks, and the second. the woman walking the dog replies, that's my mother-in-law, she tried to help my husband when he was attacked. the woman then asks, ma'am, can i borrow your dog? the woman with the dog quickly replies, get in line. | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/20/2005 12:01:15 PM | Mr. Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motor Corporation, Died and went to Heaven for judgement. At the gates St. Peter told Mr. Davidson; "Since you've been such a good man and a professional engineer, your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr. Davidson thought about it for a minute and said "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for him."
St Peter took Mr. davidson to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Mr. davidson then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah, yes; indeed I am." "Well," said Mr. Davidson, "Professional to professional you have some major flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion
2-It chatters constantly at high speeds
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4- The intake is placed to close to the exhaust
5- Plus monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance cost.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, you do raise some good points" God replied, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment, God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours......................." | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 10/20/2005 12:45:21 PM | One lovely evening, the detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty friend Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After having dinner and drinking a few glasses of wine, they became tired and went to sleep. A couple hours passed and Sherlock Holmes awoke, and shortly thereafter woke Dr. Watson as well. He said, "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see." Dr. Watson replied, "Well, sir, I see millions of stars in the sky." Sherlock Holmes asked, "And what does that tell you?" Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, "Well, astronomically it tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." To which Sherlock Holmes replied, "No, stupid! Someone has stolen our tent!"
A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch**** three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big guy looks down and says "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch**** three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bedside. He asked his brother how his wife was, and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." Relieved, the husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."
One hot summer afternoon a woman is at the local public swimming pool when she notices a man smoking a cigarette underwater. She is astounded that such a thing can be so she asks him how he does it. "It's easy." He said. "I just use a condom." "Where can I get them?" The woman asked. "Just go into any drugstore and ask for them." The man tells her. The next day she goes into her local drugstore and asks the clerk for a condom. "Any particular kind?" He asks. "Yes," she replied. "One that will fit a camel."
A man runs into the bathroom where his wife is taking a bath. "Honey, pack your things, I just won a million on the lottery!" "That's fantastic! Should I pack for the beach or the ski slopes?" "I don't care. Just make sure you're gone by noon!!!"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk." | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 11/4/2005 2:11:27 PM | a man and woman are doing yardwork when the woman quits and goes in to take a shower. the man now needs the rake that his wife was using. he yells up to his wife and she makes hand gestures that she cannot her him. the man then makes his own hand gestures...
touching his eye, then his knee and making a raking motion. (i need the rake) the woman then gestures back to him by touching her eye, her left breast, slapping her butt and rubbing her crotch. (eye, left tit, behind, the bush) | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 11/4/2005 11:33:05 PM | "The Parrot"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" | |
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| Whose got Jokes? Be funny but clean (if thats possible)
Posted: 11/4/2005 11:44:19 PM | This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and
everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain!
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