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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 2:31:48 PM | Humanbeing, great questions! For myself I'm eating heathier, sleeping better hours, and taking care of my recovery after a very long healing process following a life saving surgery. I'm not yet done healing the physical, but in a few weeks I'll be there. I've learned from old hurts that I have the right to control the damage they do to me today. Old relationships? Many of mine were unhealthy. Today I strive to surround myself with good examples I can learn more from and share with. Some old relationships simply are faded to dust. Old traumas I've been dealing with for the last five years, and I find remaining centered in who I have become today, setting and sticking to healthy boundaries, I'm spending a lot of time retraining my responses to unhealthy situations.
Basic goals are today, to get through it without hurting myself or another human being lol (no pun intended) As my dad used to say, "If you have one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." So I try and stay in the present more than thinking about the past, or worrying about the future.
I've spent the last five years working on loving who I am, taking joy in idependence, having pride in my own ackomplishments, striving each day to tackle something new, and getting my praise from within instead of without of myself.
Life is a one day at a time deal. Often one minute at a time. And I think the greatest lesson I've learned this past year is not allowing toxic people into my life, and if I find one there, getting rid of that situation as quickly as I can and as tenderly as I can. I'm not responsible for the feelings of someone else, but I am for my own. Today I'm free to be me. That's the most important thing of all. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 2:32:01 PM | My focus is on finding peace within myself and the joy in discovering what a wonderful person I am. I am blessed to have great health but I stuggle with weight so I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle with exercise (diet not so great these days).
Life is truely what you make it and I have long put my past hurts behind me and have moved on to a brighter place. I try to be the best person I can be and always consider myself a work in progress. Never one to pity myself or live the "woe is me" lifestyle.
As I get older and hopefully wiser, I find that my struggle to find acceptance has long disappeared. Where once stood a woman who was so in need of praise and public recognition, now stands a woman who is proud of her accomplishments and silently reaps the rewards of a job well done.
Love269 had always heaped praise and compliments upon me for all that I have helped him with and it made me uncomfortable, however, now as he moves to a different phase in his life I am able to accept his praise as it is coming from a deeper place within himself.
I have opened my heart to let love (or at least LIKE) in and hope that I will be able to accept it when it comes my way.
Carry on folks.
DD  | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 3:41:35 PM | i can totally relate to the relearning the independence,
that's exactly what I have been doing this summer, when the final child was no longer home, I kinda fell apart and I'll share what I find a pretty incredible experience, reasons, angels, God I'm not sure but something happened, hope we don't mind the read because telling this story means a lot to me and will make my otherwise pretty stagnant day very productive.
I raised my three kids in a home I bought in 93, great big 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom victorian ( built in 1886), complete with for those who believe ghosts, sorry but I'm now a believer, anyways the house basically took my life away with repairs and mortgages and high energy costs well first the kids started moving out. That was last summer, the first in August, The next by xmas and the third this April. I had lost my job, company closed was working low paying jobs and couldn't cut it. Well I decided it was time to clean some stuff out have a garage sale and maybe put the house on the market. By now I had the hydro cut off, gas was going next. and did !! I tried finding help but my situation seemed to slip through all government cracks.So needless to say I had to go to a women' shelter. I went back and had the garage sale I figured the bank would be foreclosing next so I better get everything out. Well by !p.m. I was shaking the man's hand who bought my house. The house sold. As a joke a few hours earlier an old friend said hey let's put a sign in the tree for sale, everything else is for sale.I was saved, never ever would have expected that.
P.s. When people are going off topic it does me a lot of good because it usually causes a need to smile and or laugh !! lol sorry | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 3:51:04 PM | well haven't we been a busy lil group of posters today? a cruise now huh? i'm up for that! sounds like we'll be traveling all over the world...bucs darlin' all i know is i'm watchin' my shoes very closely! i stepped away from those bright lights and news cameras barefooted! i'll have to be very careful not to let that happen again!
time my friend...i can't stand the thought of you leaving us again! i depend on your wit and wisdom. please reconsider. as someone else pointed out, you were one of our founding members...remember the first night of communion beer? bucs pastoral robe? now i really am gonna have to come up there and kick yer butt! i love ya hon...email me if you'd like to talk. you know i'm always there for you.
2uneek...i'm so glad you decided to join us here! i see you're already makin' new friends...i'm so glad. i had a feeling you fit right in!
leafs...i've missed ya my Canadian twin...glad you're back with us. are ya ready for the cruise? i got the coronas girl, we're ready to roll! yes, you're right. the last thing we want to do is lose this thread. thanks for reminding us to be good.
mama...how're you're claws today hon? hope you're having a good day...look at you go girl...you're awesome!
human...it's funny how my focus has changed since the thread began (has it really been 6 weeks leafs?) i've learned the art of self-forgiveness, i've learned how to give myself the gift of me, i've learned i'm loveable and a good friend...that i have something valuable to offer. my focus? no specific goal really...just continued growth. i once heard that life keeps giving you the same lessons over & over again until you learn them...i wasted a lot of years trying to learn those lessons over & over again. but guess what? i'm finally gettin' it! d*mn that feels good...
hey roaul...beer me!
edit: tuesdays...wow girl! look how far you've come! i relate very well to kids leaving home. my baby just turned 17 and i have to tell you, that just about did me in because i knew her moving out is just a heartbeat away. age doesn't scare me....bring on the years, i could care less about getting older...what scared me what the thought of being along after the kids leave....OMG girl you took me back to where i started! when i joined the thread i was so focused on that...on being alone after the kids were gone. and i just realized i haven't even thought about that in weeks! woohoo...i really am making progress! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:03:50 PM | I didn't mean to rain on anyone's parade,so to speak...just didn't want the thread deleted for too much chat...trust me,,,I'm all for cruises and communal beers!
Iluv..amazing how many of us has to learn independance again.
We think we're independant because we single, but,in reality,we still are dependant upon our kids needing us.That's a real shock to get over once we realize they're old enough,and hopefully mature enough to make adult decisions.
Wow..that was too deep...Coronas all around! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:22:09 PM | iluv I would've given them back, but I was umm passed out, yeah in the ambulance...really.
Tuesday that story was a great one, thanks for sharing. Sometimes when we think it's all over we get a miracle.
As a type A personality *sigh* it's hard being driven all the time. At times, I'm my own worst enemy by trying to do too many things at once, and finding myself so spread out over a bunch of things that I can't do any of them to my satisfaction. I have to try to stay focused and I've been doing a lot of writing, so now I understand what writers go though. Not that I'm a writer at all, just been working on a few things. I did finally start writing a letter to my late husband. The first two days just a sentence here or there. It felt stilted. The next day, wow, it gushed out.
I told him about the 911 call, me running in sheer terror to the neighbors, pounding on their door covered in blood, and the EMTs working on me and then being flown to the hospital. Those memories are vivid, and remembering them to write them out doesn't affect me. When Maury Povich was interviewing me I remember him asking me how can you talk about this tragedy so he said something like I don't want to say coldly but you talk about it calmly. I just said like i'd told many others, when I remember it, it's not like it's ME, it's like I'm looking at a film of something I just remember it that way. I have to guess I have distanced myself enough from it that I can recall it without having to feel the emotions. I was telling my husband about his funeral on Dec. 23, about me walking up to the casket with my sister and brother in law. About his relatives that came down from up north that I never had met, about many people from his childhood, people he worked with, people from our church, people from the neighborhood, even some of his customers.
I have just been the type of person to confront things head on, even and especially the hardest. I made myself look at the crime scene photos, read the autopsy report, the confession. There were many, many things, many steps, many things i felt I had to face. As I told you when the first experience of a new holiday season hit me, and I was just overcome with sadness, the next day sure enough I had to stop in the store for something. I walked over to the Christmas display. Just stood there and looked. I remembered the fun of my kids helping me decorate, all the wonderful events at our church. I let the memories of the happiness and joy fill my mind and I promised myself to do my absolute best to truly enjoy this season and my family and my wonderful man. Now I can walk by a Christmas tree, santa, any of that and just smile.
It's a matter of choices, to keep focused on what I've been able to share with loved ones at Christmas rather than that one where I had so much taken. I may have a brief episode here and there, as I am totally human, but I do and can control what I allow my mind to dwell on. I have to relearn things too, iluv we all do. I have gone back and reread some of the "sermons" it seems that God had given them to me, in hindsight to prepare me for what was going to happen to me. It's really amazing that I could have thoughts and write things that I would need myself before I even knew. That isn't me, not at all, that's God taking care of his child.
It's always a miracle to me, when some of you write me and ask for advice or help and I feel so ill-equipped. There's people on this site I don't even know that've written me about their own personal dilemmas. I have to trust that as the work of God, and I ask why me? But I do trust that if He has sent them, then He will give me what they need. I reach out to Him, to be used to give the words that are needed. I sit here and wait, and it comes. I have to say it's the most humbling experience, to be used of God to touch others. That's the lesson for me to empty myself and let God fill me and use me. So that's my life goal to be used of God to accomplish what He's planned for me to do and fulfill. | |
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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 832 | |
| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:23:28 PM | well for me being from the uk i can only grow in friendships as you can never have too many friends.and through the friendships i make i learn each and everyday to become a better human and i also increase my learning of life. so i am never at a stand still but always evolving...beers all round | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:25:50 PM | aww leafs you didn't rain on the parade. we can still go on crazy flights, take cruises and drink lots of communion beer...we just gotta remember to stay on topic too so we don't lose this...
you're right. i've always thought of myself as a very independent person just as you said because i've been a single parent so long. i never really realized how much i depended on my kids until i started thinking about them leaving...wow scary thought thinking about being 40ish and having to learn to be independent all over again...alone. but it's all good! i've learned so much and the thought doesn't terrify me like it once did. in fact, now i know it'll all be okay. i'll be fine and they'll be out there spreading their wings in the world...
whew! deep indeed girl...someone hand me another corona!
edit: bucs...i'm so glad you finished your letter hon. even more glad that you're looking forward to a joyful holiday season. you have your own struggles as we all do and yet you give and give of yourself to us. just one of the reasons we love you and strangers reach out to you. you've been a gift to me...i'm grateful that you cleared the path and helped me learn from your experience. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:31:15 PM | iluvmonkeys it's kinda ironic that i found my way here, thanks to bucs and georgie of course!!
And at the stage of my life, where I can find people all around this world that are going through the same and or similar type of growth spurts !?
I am having a daily struggle with alone and lonely, you guys help with that a lot !!
I have been told I am like a crab who always hides in their shell when they get scared. I need to throw my shell out in the lake after I stop on it for a while !!
Better have me some communal wine first !! then procrastinate a littte more !! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 4:36:38 PM | tuesdays...you know i struggled so much with alone and lonely...in my mind they were one in the same...if i was alone, i'd be lonely; if i was lonely, it was because i was alone...one of the things i've learned here is that they are two entirely different things. like you being here helps the lonliness...when i log on, i'm with friends wherever they may be. and when i go to bed at night i no longer feel alone, but it's not just my friends here...it's that gift of me i finally learned to give myself filling me up, giving me peace...i'm so glad you're here! i think you're already breaking outta that shell hermit girl!
speaking of procrastination, i gotta go cook dinner...yuk! god i hate cooking! anyone out there that wants to cook for me...surely one of you loves to cook...aw, come on guys help a girl out here! | |
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Roaul
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Joined: 4/14/2004
Msg: 840 | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 5:55:17 PM | Double Cabin...shame on you!The devil?lol!
Bucs is charm,class,style ,intelligence and humour...not only in her posts,but in person..
You know..the whole friendship,love etc.. of this thread...I may not find the love of my life on here...but,I've made some wonderful,lifelong friendships..
In 30 years..Bucs and I will be using big screen magnifiers...emailing each other..saying "do you remember when..."and laughing until we pee our Depends! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 8:10:20 PM | double cabin Quite an entrance there my good friend. Actually he IS half right, I'm a total Gemini....I already alluded to the bent halo and leafs knows...and that pic my dear with the dragon NOONE will see...now, my Canadian counterpart, who's telling the panties story you or me? Show of hands, here, my version or leafs? (mine's better *wink*) Hey leafs, my darling buddy, I gave you the first chance, I also have notes of your other escapades, I was only along as the photographer and friend...hahaha, remember the bird thing? hahaha Oh I guarantee I DO!!! It's up to you, sweet thang, eh?
EDIT: Aw, phooey, leafs was being nice to me (hanging head in shame) I was just having some fun....
OT: It's actually very interesting to get to this "stage" of life, a lot of fun or a lot of whatever we want it to be. Kind of like a kalideoscope, you turn it one way it looks all confusing and twisted, it's the kids toy with the pieces of glass, but turn it a few more turns and you see something incredibly beautiful. So even in confusion, hurt, sadness, we can see hope and expectation if we look at it from a slightly different perspective.
And now being serious (which you know how difficult that is for me at times) leafs nailed it. Finding something unexpected when we're not looking, sometimes that's when we stumble across the greatest treasures. And I LOVE leafs dearly, and only had the joy to experience her in person. Leafs and I had some precious times which will be everlasting memories. I treausre them leafs already. And I've already shared them with my kids and my darling. Leafs is beauty and the essence of lady and princess defined. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/8/2005 10:32:19 PM | Thank you for the excellent answers....I'm just beginning my journey of rediscovery myself. It's an interesting road, to say the least.  Like everyone, I have rough times and good times...thankfully much more good times these days. Life is generally pretty good.
Coming up on one of those difficult times, though. I should be able to handle it just fine....but one often thinks "sheesh..I've never experienced this before...what am I going to feel? What am I going to do with it? What am I going to think?" I ty to avoid thinking like that, but it's not always possible, is it?
I notice I'm being cryptic...I'll just lay it out. My divorce became official 5 months ago. A week after our seventh anniversary, my ex confessed to me (after a little pressure from a mutual friend) that she had been cheating on me for almost a month, and had no intention of stopping. Our divorce was actually amicable...It hurt like hell, of course, but I did recognize that it was hard on her also, and we each did our best to try not to hurt each other any further. I've forgiven her for the infidelity, and forgiven her bf too, although I don't like him at all, and am not really expected to do so. We haven't seen each other much or talked much since... our lives have traveled in different directions. On the 15th of this month. it would've been our 8th anniversary if we were still married.
This is unfamiliar territory now...I'm feeling rather uneasy as that day approaches....I'm not quite sure how I'll handle it. I've got a good support network, and I'm sure I'll be fine.... just dealing with the uncertainty of the unknown, I guess.
Thanks, everyone!  | |
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 845 | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/9/2005 5:47:26 AM | Like every change in life, take small baby steps and work your way up to a full gallop. Ending a relationship is never easy and the reasons for the ending can cause long lasting affects. Best advice I can give is to keep yourself busy but not so busy that you don't have time to heal. There is no set time limit for this healing process either....one day at a time. I've been divorced for 9 years and will admit that the first year was a scarey one filled with lots of emotions and fears.
Good luck.
I still want chocolate.
DD | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 11/9/2005 5:56:55 AM | Ladybug.......I'm eating a double-chocolate cookie right now...NaNaNa Na!! J/K
But,you're right...the first year is really tough..and thinking about the anniversary,when you're no longer together,can be painful...but,baby steps seem to work,and make things a bit easier as time passes. | |
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 848 | |
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 850 | |
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