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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/8/2005 5:26:24 PM | Thanks you sweeties...you know I love ya all bunches. I started writing this iluvmonkeys but I'd already written it for something else. So I'll give ya a sneak peak at giving yourself the gift of you...hope it helps.
Giving yourself the Gift of You
What? I can’t be serious, right? Absolutely. Happiness and love come from within, we can’t give someone else something we don’t have. How do we achieve a healthy self love, a self esteem that is solid and real and not overboard into being narcissistic and egotistical? Funny thing is those with the outwardly huge egos and so into themselves are usually the most insecure of all.
Know thyself. Hmm…well yeah, I know that person, the one in the mirror, looks kinda like my drivers’ license picture. Alright seriously, now. We all have good days, bad days, and we have our own hot buttons, things that make us more emotional than others. But every human has tendencies, patterns of behavior that are repetitive. Have you thought about or studied your own? Ever asked yourself, why did I say that, what was I thinking? Good, that’s a part of self discovery. So first off we take a personal inventory, we get to know ourselves in an honest and forthright manner, not who we WANT to be but who we are now. We can change, but we can only change with acknowledgement of a characteristic or habit we want to change, and a plan.
Self confidence, what is it and where does it come from? Self confidence by definition has to come from where class? From self, good answer. A self confident person knows their abilities and skills, what they’re good at and what they’re not. They also know their strengths and weaknesses, their areas where they’re vulnerable. Self confidence does not depend on other people and their opinions and thoughts, but self confidence can be either built up or torn down by what others think of us, if we allow that. We should be aware of what others think and maybe even reflect on that. They are seeing us from a different perspective. But we need to be aware that there are those who are lacking in self confidence who get pleasure from tearing down self confident people so that they can feel better about themselves.
As much as possible, stay away from these people, they cannot do anything but make you question yourself or set your mind on a negative path. People who are highly critical with nothing good to ever say to anyone are out to destroy or eat at other’s confidence because they themselves do not possess this quality. Surely you know someone like that or many like that. They’re the naysayers, the ones who can tear down your good news, pick apart any success you’ve achieved and leave you feeling down.
As much as is possible, spend time with those who support you and can celebrate your achievements and successes and can be happy for you. It’s good to have our own cheerleaders, those who support and encourage us. If you have people like this in your life, keep them, and cherish them, they’re like gold. Just to summarize, self confidence depends entirely on what YOU think of yourself. Other people’s opinions can either affirm it or if we allow them to chip away or destroy it. That choice is up to us. Keep your self confidence intact and don’t let anyone rob you of it.
I really believe that our self esteem and self worth is the sum of what we truly think of ourselves. And we're so HARD on ourselves. Self criticism seems to be the norm, almost. We know everything we've ever said or done, and yes, I'm in the hall of fame or shame on that one. At an early age, I'd done so much, but wasn't happy. It took a few years of maturity and lots of self reflection to realize I was robbing my own self of just being able to be happy for what I had done. Why would I deny myself that? Listening and buying into the criticism of others. And frankly, looking back, the critics were people who didn't have the drive or determination to do what I'd done. This isn't an excerise in narcissism, but people who haven't had what it takes to do what we've all done, they're the ones who step in to tear us down. Look at the motive, I'm not a haughty bragging person, but really if you've accomplished something that most don't why shouldn't you reward yourself for that? Sometimes, and I've had to do some personal cleaning house on this, it's time to step away and cut ties from that. Those people only hold you back. They plant self doubt, as "friends and family" I've cut a BUNCH of those ties. It's a liberating thing. Okay quick story, the "family" meaning the 5 kids, me baby girl by a LONG shot, 7 years younger than my youngest brother. I had just finished grad school, picked up my LARGE diploma went to meet then to decide what to do about the house, all that stuff. I graduated with a 4.0 Summa Cum Laude, straight A's in grad school, with kids at home, being solo, raising 4 kids alone, buying a house, with a good job. I'd have thought it would've been a hoedown, we were at Longhorn Steakhouse. I barely got an obligatory pat on the back. My three older brothers, MUCH older never even went to grad school, had wives at home who raised THEIR kids, and the oldest my sister..well, never finished college and married a great guy, but always took the path of least resistance. That's fine, I know my siblings well, and they've all accomplished things, but I feel I accomplished so much more. I was just a bit disappointed when I showed them my degree, they patted me on the head and STILL treated me like baby sister. Sorry not meaning to get distracted, but I think this has merit. I have emotionally divorced myself from that. OUR parents I know because they both told me were so proud of what I'd done and they never knew about graduate school. That's fine they were always my cheerleaders!!!
So apologizing for length here the point IS to cut off the naysayers, even if they're your sibiings. I don't have a lot of time for them and when they email me, they never offer any support, it's always a waa waa. I feel a bit sorry, none of them has ever faced or known a real challenge, I'd rather shut them up by sticking an adult sized pacifier in their mouth. Because as I see it, that's what they deserve.
When I came home from that awful, stupid "reunion" I turned a page. I still get a contact now and then but not much, Thank GOD! Don't need it don't want it. My kids were upset as usual at the behavior of my sibs, not just because of ME but the whole package. KNow what? We're a family just me and my children and my cherished DIL. Oh yeah, we don't need or seek approval from the clueless. And we're a strong family unit a mother and her children, HELL YEAH!! I love it because I see that in them, they tend to discard all the negative BS and are just proud as punch of who they are and what they're doing.
ilovemonkeys Hope this serves to help you, I only shared a personal story, just for relevance. Be proud of what you've done, embrace your accomplishments. Your rewards are instrinsic, personal, to allow yourself your own personal ownership of who you are. Be proud of that cherish that, hold it close to you, darling, that's your greatest gift. That's giving yourself the gift of you. Your own personal celebration, your own ticker tape parade. Embrace it, because you are your own personal treasure. | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 81 | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/8/2005 11:43:38 PM | Ah yes Bucs the choir is warming up! Couldnt agree with you more and some of this so poignant for me right now in this moment at this time in my life.
I do find my faith waning (a fair bit lately) and have taken to asking for more faith. For shattered hopes can sure wittle away at it.
Moe Joe, I have to agree....The Four Agreements incredibly inspiring. Something to attempt to remember at all times.....truly a life's work!
Thanks all....needed the encouragement and inspiration...how fortunate to have found you all here! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 1:26:04 AM | Ah yes Pastor Bucs, I'd give ya that amen and a couple of woohoo's!!! Cuz, we tend to get a little somber here at times and forget we earned that gift of ourselves. Remember, when you are down to nothing, God is up to something. I was born in the 40's so I have participated in 7 decades although I have not yet qualified for Sex. Guess I'm a late Quint, lol!!! Missed Woodstock because I was in a special fraternity called the Mekong Deltas. Wasn't 10 ft tall and tried ducking. Except for a few I did pretty well too. 23 yrs a Marine and then I went postal. Done with that stuff called work now, but hardly tired let alone retired. This is great, finally!!! I love myself and never stopped laughing at myself either. (Especially when I'm loving myself, woohoo!) Been alone for quite some time now and most often by choice. I also get the kid shivers when I see those incredible foot prints. (5 sets BTW)
From my peaceful vantage point, every contributor on here makes me happy to be with you. We are in a position to give back lots because all those tools we picked up along the way make it easy for us to carve out a better tomorrow. I am amazed at/with each of you. Alphas line up over here. What do you mean NO!!!! I hope this thread never ends and that those younger will stop by and see these 2 things. (Start organ music please) "A bird sings not a question or an answer. A bird sings because it has a song." "A ship is safe in the harbor, but don't ever forget that it wasn't built to do that." Love you all!!!! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 9:04:09 AM | | Aww guys..the pastor Bucs thing was a tongue in cheek, as I was out shopping UGH which I hate yes, I know, missing the shopping gene hehe. Anyway, my mind was just wandering with random thoughts pondering on what we'd all been posting earlier. I'm dealing with it all myself so whatever I think I may have figured out or come to peace with, that's what I write about. And when we all do that, wow we have a wealth of wisdom and insight. And yes, my daddy really was a minister from the age of 19 til his retirement in his 60's. He was a slight built man but very firey in the pulpit, much like a Billy Graham. His sermons and the life he lived so formed and molded mine and for that I'm thankful. And of course, being one of the preacher's kids we didn't have a choice about going to church it was mandatory...hehehe. But myself like others were the benefactor of a man truly sent from God, called of God with passion, fire and love for his congregation. He was a true shepherd who loved his sheep and tended them with great care. He's been gone 8 years now and his sense of humor would NOT appreciate the pastor Bucs thing, but he'd love me anyway. Sunday for me is football, and I'm excited to see the Bucs come away with another win! woohoo. When I came home and sat down at the computer, I figured well this is gonna be preachy, some of my posts are like that. So church will be dismissed early today so everyone can get home in time to watch the game!! Go Bucs!! And God bless every one of you, you're all a source of strength and inspiration, a haven to come to for what we need the words we long to hear. The love and caring i've received and given back here is just unbelieveable, it's like a mighty river. All of you are precious to me. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 9:45:59 AM | maven...keeping the faith is, at times, truly a difficult feat. shattered hopes and life's lil disappointments do keeping chipping away at it don't they? i find i lose mine almost daily lately and then i log on here and read all of these wonderful, inspirational posts and i find it somewhat restored. this thread has certainly become one of those things that helps me to rebuild it. and i am definitely going to find a copy of the book you and moejoe recommended. every lil bit helps...
time2spare...i'm tryin' to coax my ship outta the harbor...thanks for reminding me it wasn't made to just sit there in dry dock...
bucs... darlin'...you're a gem! have fun watchin' the game! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 1:41:18 PM | | Encouragement is a special gift that humans can give to one another. So rarely used, unfortunately, yet so powerful and priceless. When we find people who give it and give it generously, we've found something special. I want to remind myself to take every opportunity I have to give out a good word, a pat on the back, a cyber hug, a way to go. As long as we keep believing in each other and holding each other up and cheering everyone on, we can become almost invincible. It's like a boost a charge of energy to have our spirits lifted and refreshed. Wow this does sound preachy, but thanks Dad, I learned this from Dad. He was well loved and known as a great encourager. I believe in all of you, there is such untapped potential in all of us and we all have the power within us to make not only ourselves but every one else better. The great thing about faith, it's resilient, sure we can lose it or have it damaged but we only lose it momentarily. Faith can be and is restored. Faith bounces back we can rebuild and refind it again. Our hope is as bright and strong as the promise of tomorrow. We can't know what will happen, but we can know that if we hold fast to who we are, our faith and hope will sustain us and carry us through. I've seen it many times in my own life and so have each one of you. We can be down but not out, cast down but not destroyed. The power of faith and belief is unmeasureable, tap into it, just when you think it's gone if you reach back far enough you'll always find there's more there. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 2:54:51 PM | Bucs...a little story re;encouragement...
I was at work today..talking a bit about my friends on here and how we treat each other well and listen and encourage one another...and my boss said "you know,I've noticed a huge change in you..you're so much happier and more encouraging to everyone around you in the past few months."
My answer was " I guess it's meeting new friends with similar problems,and them being there for me ,and vice versa..being a bit of a cheerleader for others."
So,in an odd way..coming on here and being able to vent ,or joke,or try to help someone,has translated into my everyday life!
So...thank you to all my friends on here..my life has been bettered for meeting you! | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:15:57 PM | | leafslady Same here...you are just one of many who are ALWAYS there, always and the times that we've emailed each other for advice or just to vent, you've always been there to help me. And I SO trust your judgement and wisdom, you're a dear and valued friend. And I'm honored and better just for knowing you and calling you my friend. Sure I've met some men from here, not always dates from hades experiences either, but not the right fit yet. Meeting my forum friends has been like finding buried treasure but much more valuable. I have friends from 2 other forums I've been on and I'm not really a forum person but guess I've become one. It's not just the topics and discussions but finding like minds, tender hearts and just darn great people. I have friends from a forum and we just celebrated our third anniversary, yep met them 3 years ago and one person started a personal website and forum just for us. I hear from these people all the time and we share everything, jokes, funny stories, prayer for sick loved ones, concerns, if one of us has a need, they flock around and hold that person up it's just incredible. When my DIL was diagnosed with leukemia, I came home and started a thread and poured it all out. I had pages of email, tons of help, but prayers, encouragement. That so helped to sustain me, turns out one of them is a nurse in an oncologist's office, we talked by phone she gave us such valuable info, my son and DIL were able to get her meds paid for by the drug company. We probably wouldn't have known this, and also passin read my post on here, and he sent me the same info. I had tons of mail from here, again people reaching out helping people. She's doing very well, back to work and school. But it was my cyber friends, who are REAL friends and some family members who helped us, sustained us, without their love and support, getting through the first difficult month would have been incredilby difficult. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 92 | |
| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:33:12 PM | There's lots to be said about POF. Have I met my Dreamboat on here? Nope, but I so enjoy the forums, and its wonderful to know that I'm not alone in this world in some of my experiences. I've also met some wonderful email buds here!
I took a break from dating from 2000 through 2004. I became caught up in work, caught up in home improvement projects, and I really wanted to avoid dating, it was like how many more bottom feeders do I have to swim with before I meet the "Big Fish". So, I did find other things to do. In April 04, I unleashed my profile on another dating site. I didn't take it seriously, and the next thing I knew, I met up with a really nice fella. Joe had a wonderful sense of humor, he made me laugh lots, he was a good listener (never gave me advice unless I asked for it), he treated me like a lady, and he really brought out the best in me. After dating for 2 weeks, he ran into an Ex GF and wound up going back to her. I was sad, but it was okay, because Joe did give me a wonderful 2 weeks. I felt hope, and most of all, I felt like yes, I am a good catch for a wonderful, good, and decent gentleman. It was long after I met Joe, that I met my ex BF (Kurt). We spent 5 wonderful months together and we are still good friends to this day.
There are times that I think, I've been divorced for 17 years, is there ever hope? Absolutely, I know there is hope! I've been lucky to have loved and been in love! I've been blessed to have had 10 wonderful years of marriage to Rick. I've blessed been with meeting some wonderful men along the way.
If I meet "the one", so be it. Meanwhile, I'm filling up my life with travels (going to Botswana in April 06); considering going into business for myself; and exploring all that live has to offer. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:46:45 PM | | leafs My internet friends made ALL the difference. Sure, I have some family but my brother wrote once or twice, my sister called a time or two, my niece who is a nurse called from Michigan, she was a great help, and I emailed other family and never got a response. The email went through so it wasn't like they didn't get the email, but not a peep. My two elderly aunts both called from Michigan and Indiana, they're just precious ladies. But the support from my sibs was very limited, hardly a passing interest. No big surprise, I don't rely on them for anything, thank GOD! But honestly if it were a member of their family, regardless of the distance we've put between us, I'd have been there for more than a placating email or two or a phone call. Hello, it's CANCER, we're talking about the life of a young woman, a dear sweet 23 y/o. And holy crap, I have friends who've had relatives that write me when they've had severe illnesses and cancer, and I keep in close touch with them. Just to see how things are going, what the updates are on their conditions and how my friends are holding up. I had a forum friend from New York, only one I've met of that group on vacation in Orlando, I drove over there and spent the night with her and her girls in their townhouse. But she wrote me and was ready and willing to donate bone marrow. At that point we didn't know exactly what type of luekemia she had, but hers does not require bone marrow transplant. Donating bone marrow? Do you even know how painful that is? I was blown away, another email from a local friend, asking what type of blood, she'd go donate platelets. I was just amazed, touched and humbled at the caring of these people willing to do that for my DIL. They stepped up and volunteered, I never even asked. Neither ended up being necessary, but they stayed with me, they hung around, and I had tons of email every day from them wanting to know what's going on and they volunteered all of this out of the blue. Ready and willing. I told my DIL and she was in tears as was I that perfect strangers to her would be willing to give that. That's love and caring and sacrifice and to find that on the internet from cyber friends. I call that a miracle from God. My friends here are all heaven sent, God sent you all to me. Just the right person, the right words at the right time. Sometimes even before I ask, it's already there. God works miracles but he works through people. And I've been blessed beyond belief. God is so good to me and it's because of all of you. He works out his miracles and sends blessings through all of you. | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:59:28 PM | i had no idea when i posted my profile on POF over a year ago (yikes! has it really been that long?) that it would become such a big part of my life. i certainly haven't found "the one" here either and, truth be told, i probably won't...just not that many fish in my part of the sea. but the day i discovered the forums truly did open up a whole new world for me. i'm geographically challenged living in a relatively small town...small conservative town at that and i'm so.....not conservative. finding people here to date seems impossible...finding friends i can relate to and who are going through the same thing's life is throwing my way definitely not happening. it's just a wonderful thing finding such amazing friends all over who are not only dealing with the same ups and downs but who are so caring and supportive. isn't it wonderful that such friendship not only sustains us but carries over into our everyday lives? truly incredible when you think about it. thanks all. you're a great bunch of cheerleaders...yep, even you passin' though imagining you in a skirt with pom pons is just a lil weird.... guys...love ya!
edit: leafs is right bucs...one of the most touching posts i've read. the truth is you've blessed us with your heartfelt support. you'll always have ours... | |
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| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 4:22:39 PM | | Bucs, your father may not have saw the humor in you being called Pastor Bucs, but he would have saw the encouragment that you have given and the way you have given it. His life was dedicated to spreading the faith of God. As you encourage your friends (and people like me just sitting on the side reading) to keep or restore that faith, he would be happy I think. You may not be a minister but you certainly share some valuable and encouraging insights. Sorta like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and I for one am glad I walked into this orchard | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 99 | |
| Quadragenerians 'n up- friendship? love? or just making it one day at a time?
Posted: 10/9/2005 4:24:40 PM | Bucs - a very touching post. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.
You know, it is amazing the difference between friends and family. When I announced to my family that I was getting a divorce, my Mother's words were "if you'd been a better wife, you wouldn't be getting a divorce". My Father's words were "I'm sorry to hear that". My brother's words were "I'd like to kick his ass". My sister, because we lived in the same city, she was there on & off for support. The sad thing, especially from my parents, not once did I ever hear the words "if you need us, we're here for you, you can call us anytime, if you need anything, let us know". I was 31 at the time. Two weeks after my ex hubby asked for a divorce, I had to have major surgery done to remove an ovary and a tube.
On the other hand, my friends were always there for me. I could pour out my tears, they wouldn't always tell me what I wanted to hear, thankfully so. I'll never forget the words that one of my guy pals told me "Go For It". I stick to those infinite words of wisdom each day! Adam gave me the "kick" I so much needed to jump start my life... To this day, I don't know what I would do without my friends. I love my family, but my friends, I cannot put a price tag, I am blessed to have each and every one of them in my life! | |
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